Farewell, My Porcupine

Tears welled in my eyes as I sat out on my balcony last night, watching the sea of headlights slowly moving north on I-5 towards Canada. Thousands of my amigos, my comrades, my brothers-in-arms had packed up their VW vans with anything they could smoke and were heading for higher ground. Artisans, actors, poets, musicians, bong craftsmen - a rag tag fleet of rebels on a lonely quest to find their homeworld. I imagined Ashley "Peaceblossom" Phelps - my significant other who may or may not be a member of the trandgendered community - was somewhere amongst them. Only hours before, we had stood on the corner outside my building, saying our tearful goodbyes.

"How could they f*%@ing do it?" Ashley cried, her fist-sized Adam's apple bobbing up and down as she blubbered at me. "How could 59 million people put that c*%&@&#@ing chimp back in office? Didn't they see 9/11? Didn't they hear any of the melodramatic hyperbole from hysterical homos? After all our hard work, all our high-pitched screeching, how could America betray us so?"

"It's the Evangelicals," I told her. "They used gay marriage and abortion to lure the mindless sheep masses away from the really important issues, like legalized marijuana and free condoms for elementary school kids."

"Those G*%%#*N Christians!" Peaceblossom spat. "They're ruining this country with their "moral values", and their "sanctity of human life" crap! They should be loaded up onto boxcars and sent away before they turn the whole country into a fascist state!"

"Yup," I agreed, "In a few more years, it'll be nothing but food banks, homeless missions, and Ten Commandments plaques for as far as the eye can see."

Ashley fell into my arms, a single tear running down the stubble of her cheek. "I'll be f*%@ing lost without you, Larry."

"Me too," I wheezed as her bulging biceps squeezed the air out of my lungs. "But I have to stay here and fight the good fight, even if I have to do it all by myself. Like Mad Max without all the guns and testosterone, I'll walk the wastelands of our democracy and defend what's left of our personal freedoms."

Yesterday, I bid farewell to my best friend Travis, who was sailing to China on a raft made from empty soy milk cartons tied together with macrame'd hemp rope.

"Someday, Katie Couric will smile again!" he cried as he pushed his makeshift vessel into the cold waters of Puget Sound. "Someday, she'll be free to frolic with the chipmunks and happy rainbows. On that day, I shall return."

The Coast Guard picked him up six hours later, half-frozen and mumbling "four more years...four more years..." over and over again.

Alas, my pal Travis is gone. And now I was losing my sweet, gentle Peaceblossom, too.

"Holy F%*$@ng Sh%T! My ride's here!" Peaceblossom shouted as Booger-eatin' Benny Borkowski's finger-painted VW van pulled up to the curb.

"Hi, Benny," I greeted him. "Still eating your boogers?"

"Dude," Benny replied with a look of contempt, "they're 100% organic."

"And you have an inexhaustible supply, " I reminded him.

"Right on!" He cocked a thumb towards the back of the van. "We got room for one more, if you don't mind sitting on Alec Baldwin's lap."

I shook my head. "No thanks. Someone has to stay and hold down the fort."

Benny nodded sadly. "I was at Kent State in '70. Wounded Knee in '73. WTO in '99. Chuck E. Cheese in '03. I aint never seen nothin' as bad as this," he said, employing perhaps the worst triple-negative I'd heard in my entire life. "I thought about sticking it out, but I'm too old for any more liberal crusades. It's time for ol' Benny B. to ride off into the sunset for the last time."

"The sun set two hours ago," I told the tenured UC Berkeley professor. "And Canada is to the North."

"Riiiiiiight, I hear ya," Benny said with a knowing wink. "Let's roll, Peaceblossom!"

Ashley and I hugged one last time before she hopped into the van and waved goodbye. I watched as she rode away, out of my life forever, her chiseled features pressed forlornly against the rear window.

Farewell, my little porcupine. I'll never forget you.

Comments

[dick craiglow]

I may be one of those who voted for George
Bush, but that doesn't mean I can't enjoy the musings of a Kerry fan.

I read you every day and laugh like crazy at
your take on the world...please don't head
north...America needs you.

[Pete_London]

Did you have to do that? I have tears rolling down my face here! Superb.

[Vishnu Troll Daddy Earth Goddess]

Larry, I will always be here for you, and my biceps aren't even bulging.

[JannyMae]

"We got room for one more, if you don't mind sitting on Alec Baldwin's lap." LMAO!

[Cheney W. Halliburton]

Larry, why weren't you at that school in New Jersey? I told you to be there, waiting on the roof.

Dammit, this guy has more lives than the villains in ten slasher-movie sequels!

[JannyMae]

Hey, Cheney! Cue the evil, maniacal cackle!

[Pile On®]

Larry you give me hope. You have got yourself a healthy dose of moxy, and don't even get me started on the cut of your jib!!!

[Lune]

How will Larry make it through the next four years? I fear for him.

[Moonchild]

I too have heard the siren call of back bacon, Bob & Doug McKenzie, and waiting six months for a bedpan. I might succumb one day, but it will not be today. Thanks Lar.

[The Babe]

I too have tears rolling down my cheeks at the tender scenes. It tears my heart out to know that Larry is going to sacrifice himself like Rush Limbaugh has for the cause of liberalism. You are one righteous dude man, and deserve a fr%$#@(*ng Congressional Medal.

Pass the bong

[Mourning dove]

Hey, we all gotta eat, don't we?

[Cheney W. Halliburton]

Janny, the cackle is for special occasions. Like when one of our right-wing death squads actually manages to DO ITS JOB!!!

[Rutherford]

"They should be loaded up onto boxcars and sent away before they turn the whole country into a fascist state."

In the past few weeks there was a slight dropoff in the number of trainloads of boxcars, loaded with wimpering cokeheads and despairing liberal family members. I wonder if the traffic will resume soon.

I don't think Bu$Hitler made any attempt to reverse the decline in our local smokestack industry.

Have a happy day.

[Sobek]

Larry, that was the saddest thing ever. I'm glad you're sticking around, fighting the good fight. And remember, every time you miss Ashley "Peaceblossom," just think to yourself, "Hillary '08."

[Bobo]

Just to make a clarification - women don't have Adam's apples. Hence the name.

[Christina]

Absolutely Farooking Priceless!

;-D

[jonag]

Hillary definitely has an adam's apple.

[ilyka]

Didn't they hear any of the melodramatic hyperbole from hysterical homos?

*

If you're trying to mock the media's assertion that Republicans used gay marriage as a wedge issue, it'd be more effective to revise that "hysterical homos" label, as it's only shoring up the very point you're trying to demolish.

[Five0]

BWAHAHAHAAHAHAAHAHAAHH!!!!!!!!!

That's WAY better than Annah takes Fiver!!!!

[Friend of USA]

100 % organic and inexhaustible supply ...

Larry you are f*** 'n hilarious man.

It's funny also because it is not that far from reality ;
Some of them actually drink their own piss !

There is even a book out there on the subject ,I think I saw that on Larry king ,or some other very late talk show ,many years ago ... no joke.

[Doug]

Larry, aren't you the guy who called the Phil Henrdie Show about "Peace Cookies?"

Hmmmm... on the other hand maybe you ARE Phil Hendrie.

[Tori]

Life is short, and this aritcle saved valuable time on this Earth.