Although I'm an open-minded, tolerant person, I couldn't help but laugh hysterically at the 15 geeks camped out in front of the local video game store last night. What a bunch of pathetic losers! No job, no girlfriend, no life - they probably still live with their moms. P. Diddy himself couldn't energize these lazy slobs enough to get off their backsides and vote for John Kerry, but they have enough piss 'n vinegar to sit out all night in the freezing cold for a stupid video game.
I shook my head and went inside.
"Is my Special Deluxe Boxed Limited Edition Directors Cut of Halo 2 in yet?" I asked the cashier.
"Yes, it's in," she replied, "but we can't give them out until midnight."
"YOU CAN'T GIVE THEM OUT?" I screeched in shock and horror.
She pointed outside. "Would there be a line of desperate, 30-year old virgins out front if we could?"
"That does it," I growled. "I'm angrier than a Jiralhanae with an ass full of Needler barbs! What is your name?"
"Myranda," she told me. "With a 'Y'."
"Well, Myranda with a 'Y', I'd like to speak to the manager, please."
"I am the manager," she snipped, "and you aren't getting Halo 2 until midnight."
So it was like that, was it? It looked like I'd have to lay a bit of the ol' Chomstein Charm on her.
"I'VE HAD THIS GAME ON RESERVE FOR FIVE YEARS, YOU CRAZY BITCH!" I screamed, stomping my feet for effect. "I WANT IT I WANT IT I WANT IT GIMME GIMME GIMME NOWWWWW!"
"Midnight," Myranda sighed, rolling her eyes.
"FASCIST!" I screeched and stormed out.
The most highly anticipated video game of the year, Halo 2 picks up where Fahrenheit 9-l1 left off. Despite Fraulein Malkin's naive assertions to the contrary, the game is a "damning condemnation of the Bush Administration's adventure in the Middle East," and a searing indictment of Amerikkka's systematic extermination of its indigenous peoples. So it's no wonder that when I returned to the store at 11:45, the long line of hopeless nerds now stretched all the way down the block and around the corner.
"To hell with this," I spat with frustration, and went home. I have to work in the morning. I have a JOB and a LIFE. I can't be standing in line with a bunch of fat, greasy, social parasites all night.
So at 5:45 a.m. this morning, I returned to the store once again to discover the line was gone and the geeks had completely disappeared. I quickly parked my car, bounded up to the entrance, and pulled the door. It was locked. I pulled the other door. It was locked, too. I pulled the first door again. Still locked. I pressed my face to the glass. It was dark inside, but I could swear I saw movement in the shadows. They were probably getting ready to open up any second. I bet if I just counted to thirty under my breath, they'd show up and unlock the doors. 1...2...3...4...
Suddenly, someone coughed beside me. I looked up to see three other dudes, also pressing their faces against the glass.
"Dude," one said. "Are they open?"
"I don't know, dude," I replied, checking the doors again. "The sign says they open at 9:00, but maybe it's just a tease. Starbuck's across the street is open, so why isn't the game store?"
"It doesn't make any sense!" another guy screamed, pounding frantically at the glass. "HAS THE WHOLE WORLD GONE MAD?"
"Calm down," I told him. "It's only three hours. A little patience, and we shall see the reign of witches pass over."
I checked the doors one last time and then went in to work. At 10:45, I called ahead to the store to insure that they were indeed open, then feigned a seizure in my cubicle and got the rest of the day off.
I sped back to the store and dashed inside. Alas, there was sweet Myranda, holding my stainless steel copy of the Special Deluxe Boxed Limited Edition Directors Cut of Halo 2. I paid her the sixty dollars and strutted outside.
Seemingly out of nowhere, a teary-eyed, unshaven nerd in a black leather trenchcoat and a Dr. Seuss hat lunged at me.
"Dude!" he pleaded with me. "I'll give you $100 for your copy of Halo 2!"
"They're only sixty bucks inside," I informed him.
"They're sold out, unless you have one on reserve," he cried.
"I'll give you $200 for it," a myopic poindexter in a propeller beanie offered.
"250!" the first geek countered. "But you'll have to wait until my Mom comes to pick me up to get the money."
"Hold it, dudes," I said. "As an enlightened progressive, I couldn't possibly exploit your desperation and misery for my own personal profit. The capitalist system of 'supply and demand' leads not to the general well-being of society as a whole, but to vast wealth in the hands of the few. By all rights, this game should go to the one who NEEDS it most, not the one who'll pay the most."
"I'm 35 years old, unemployed and live with my mom," Dr. Seuss informed me. "I have no girlfriend and six cats, one of which died this morning. I need the testosterone-fueled violence of Halo 2 to give legitimacy to my pointless, wasted life."
"He's lying!" Propeller Beanie spat. "He's been out here all morning, buying copies cheap and selling them on eBay for $500 a pop! I need the game for my sister, who lost her leg in Vietnam and is suffering from chronic halitosis! She's been clinging to life for nine years waiting for Halo 2 to come out. With your copy, she can live again."
"LIAR!" Dr. Seuss screamed, and tackled Propeller Hat to the ground. Disgusted, I watched them wrestle in the grass like wild animals, biting and clawing over a silly video game as of it were a hunk of raw meat.
"Fools!" I said, breaking them apart. "Don't you know that competition is merely the manner and form in which the bourgeois controls the proletariat? Private property must be abolished and in its place must come the common utilization of all instruments of production and the distribution of all products according to common agreement -- in a word, what is called the communal ownership of goods."
The stared at me. A thin string of drool ran down Propeller Beanie's chin.
"In other words," I said. "You must share the game."
I placed my copy of the Special Deluxe Boxed Limited Edition Directors Cut of Halo 2 on the ground and walked away.
As I sat in my car, watching the two dweebs tear each other apart, there came a call on my cell phone. It was Myranda, with a "Y".
"I saw what you did out there," she cooed. "I like a man who appreciates Marx's vision of egalitarianism in its purest form, unlike those pathetic Lockeans who don't know how to please a woman. I'm off at five - would you like to meet at my place tonight for a ginseng colonic?"
"Wish I could," I replied, "but I'm afraid I must decline. As much as I'd like to check out your petite bourgeoisie, I'll be playing Grand Theft Auto; San Andreas on my Mom's hi-definition TV for the next few weeks."
I hung up and slowly drove home.
Another love lost? Perhaps. But as a wise man once said, "That activism requires sacrifice is a given; it is the notion of a meaningful political life WITHOUT sacrifice that is wildly unrealistic."
HALO is short for HAL liburt O n.
It's all just another plot: keep the ignorant masses entertained, to blind them to all the ongoing debcales of the Bu$Hitler junta.
Posted by: Gullyborg | November 09, 2004 at 03:35 PM
These titles are obvious metaphors. Halo the one and only Albert Gore. Halo 2 is clearly John Forbes Kerry. Diablo 2 you ask - who can that be? Well, he nickname rhymes with pimp and he just stole his second election.
Now you tell me which one of these titles the exit polls say was more anticipated - Halo 2 or Diablo 2? Of course Halo 2!! Exit polls never lie! That said, just wait four years until Halo Squared (codename "Hero Hillary") comes out. All the Diebold cash register machines in the world will stop H-squared from trouncing the latest edition of the Diablo series.
Posted by: Cicada | November 09, 2004 at 04:18 PM
I can't believe those pathetic losers would stand in line for a video game. Ha! Don't they know that the world has moved on without them? Why, you can DOWNLOAD far superior video games than Halo any time you want! For instance, last night I started downloading World of Warcraft. Now THAT game is going to be worth waiting for. It is now 39% downloaded, so I'm sure by Thursday morning I will finally get to emmerse myself in the rich, textured world of online RPGs. Yes, once this thing is done downloading, I can once again lose myself in the land of Orcs and Necromancers and Trolls and Dark Elves. Thank you, God, for not making me anything like those desperate Halo-loving losers.
Posted by: Bonnie | November 09, 2004 at 04:48 PM
You aren't getting any since Peaceblossom left are you Lar?
Posted by: Pile On® | November 09, 2004 at 07:28 PM
Halo sounds like the biggest scam since my ex-friends talked me into playing "Evercrack". I played for hours at a time, and I've gotten better highs from smoking oregano.
Posted by: Moonchild | November 09, 2004 at 08:02 PM
"ginseng colonic"
hahaha... ewww.
Posted by: Lune | November 09, 2004 at 09:18 PM
"I read what you wrote up there," I cooed.
Too funny...I am wiping tears and using Tiger Balm on my aching abs. It is Bush's fault that my abs hurt. If he weren't re elected, I wouldn't be in this pain and at your blog this early in the morning.
Loved the Chomsky dither at the end, comparing religion in its old wasted selfish screed being incarnated anew as government and how we must somehow synthesise our former actions dictated by pastors to the state and run by bureaucrats.
I wish I could Chomsky. That neofascist Cassandra has us doing self flagellation for WINNING!
Posted by: Cricket | November 09, 2004 at 11:24 PM
I bought a box full of Halo (the originals for $19.95 each), wrote a number 2 on them with a sharpie and sold them for $39.95 outside the Best Buy before they opened to the line of geeks. Then when the store open, I took my obscene profit and went in to buy the real one, of which there were plenty since the geeks had run home to play there new one. Ha, I love capitalism.
Posted by: Norman | November 10, 2004 at 04:38 AM
Wow, even after a few hits from the bong, I wasn't able to realize how this piece blamed Bush for anything. Thanks to Cricket for clearing it up for me! Now, if you'd pass that Tiger Balm....
Posted by: JannyMae | November 10, 2004 at 06:52 AM
Larry has a job????
Posted by: Carolynn | November 10, 2004 at 07:17 AM
Larry, I really hate to tell you this, but you are a first-class wuss.
Yes, that's right, you have achieved a level of wussiness superior than your fellow travelers. You are the bourgeoisie.
Go back and nail that clerk.
Posted by: Cheney W. Halliburton | November 10, 2004 at 10:46 AM
But I'm only half way through GTA!
Posted by: Liberal Larry | November 10, 2004 at 12:17 PM
Cheney W. Halliburton you insensitive psuedo conservative! He just poured his heart out on losing Peaceblossom to the Bush-is-elected-I-must-live-in-Canaeda-now Exodus with the parting of the Red States Borders, many people now enslaved by the re election of Bu$Histler have had whole families torn up.
How could you? *sob sniff*
Oh, pass the bong.
Posted by: Cricket | November 15, 2004 at 09:14 AM
I AM NOT SURE IF YOU ARE BEING SARCASTIC OR NOT. FANTASTIC!
Posted by: McP | November 17, 2004 at 02:21 PM
You are a good writer Larry , some of your stuff is hilarious with or without the buzz of the bong...
But I think you work for Bush.
In fact ,I KNOW you work for Bush.
But I can not say more for now...
Posted by: Friend of USA | November 24, 2004 at 08:57 AM
Thank you G-Units of the suburbs. I am guessing that you all live in suburbia, own a PS2 and play Grand Theft Auto. Then claim to be a gamer even though your most likely horrible. HEY LETS GO BUY MADDEN FOR 50 DOLLARS EVEN THOUGH WE COULD GO OUTSIDE AND PLAY FOOTBALL FOR FREE OMZZZ!
P.S. Your an idiot for turning myranda down. Any chick who plays games rox.
P.S.S. I hope to god this is a joke because if its not your a complete idiot for giving away 60 dollars and dare I say the best game ever.
Posted by: Setsu | December 17, 2004 at 11:52 AM
I must object. I am a "Halo fan boy" and must therefore defend my gaming habits. To begin, RPG’s are for those to pathetic or inept to BEGIN possessing skill. Instead, they rely on +20 weapons and Armor that makes you immune to all damage types, as well as having enough hit points to absorb any damage done.
Furthermore, I was not impressed by your attempts to act… ACT like your IQ isn't sub par at best. Face it, when you type Neo-anything nobody gives you any credit.
I have played Video Games all my life. I BEAT Halo 2 on legendary 12 days after its release. I did that in 4-5 hour segments. I didn't skip school, call in sick to work, miss church, and let my grandma die just to play. It is a game. Unfortunately Gamers like me have acquired an unnecessary stereotype of being pale skinned, dull-witted, mindless pieces of human flesh designed to be manipulated by subliminal messages.
EVERYONE who posted that Halo/Halo2/Diablo2 was acronyms for something else are not only the intellectual equivalent of paramecium, but also conspiracy theorists and a SAD excuse for a human being.
Before you decide to post a textual rebuttal let me tell you one thing... I'm never reading here again. You claim to be open minded and objective. In all actuality you are closed minded attempts at an intellect that believes using a thesaurus for every "Blog" is going to give you prestige. I am truly sorry you exist. You should not be allowed to reproduce.
Posted by: FrostBite | December 17, 2004 at 01:41 PM
My God, that was you?
That day, walking away with two dislocated arms, but one, sweet copy of Halo 2, I saved my sister from her Hell-sent halitosis and yet I still felt as empty inside as that other poor fool's stuffed cat.
Your words that day rang so true, though, and yet I had forgotten them.
Had I only read this post before taking these pills, I might have turned my life around...
Posted by: Dweeb B. | December 17, 2004 at 02:19 PM
I fallowed a link into this disgusting excuse for a blog. What are you, a communist? I hate Bush, but he’s a hell of a lot better then Kerry would have been. I’m a Canadian for god’s sake, and we’re known for our hatred of Bush. American politics are as fucked up as any other capitalist country (look at us, we had Crèachen), but that’s no resion to bad mouth capitalism. I say kill both Bush and Kerry, and have Rev. Sharpen vs. Schwarzengger in ’08. Just because your pissed at Bush doesn’t mean you should take it out on the Gaming Industry. Go move to China and work in a child labor factory making me some more copies of Halo 2, which by the was kicks GTA:SA’s ass. Thank you, fuck you, good night.
PS. What the fuck is wrong with you? A gamer girl comes on to you and you giver up for GTA? Go buy a 2 player game and have her come over and play with your joystick. Oh, wait, buying something is only done by capitalist. And of course that’s something you hate. God dam communist. Only thing they are good for entertainment value, like running down student protesters armed with signs and ideas with tanks.
Posted by: Halliburton CEO | December 17, 2004 at 06:05 PM
Ok, as I like both GTA and Halo 2, I still say your are stereo typing the fans of halo. I dont think its fair to think that all gamers are geeks that never see the light of day and dont have a relationship. I will agree though that there are the nuts out there that do that kind of thing. and personally, I really didnt care about the presidential election.
Thirdly If I had a choice between GTA,HALO 2.....I would say Need for speed undergound 2.
Posted by: Morbats | December 17, 2004 at 09:17 PM
If you took this article seriously... you are the most idiotic person to walk the face of the earth. Yes I mean you dweeb b.
Posted by: RedNovember | December 20, 2004 at 12:54 PM
woops halliburton ceo. weird commenting system...
Posted by: RedNovember | December 20, 2004 at 12:55 PM
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