BlameBush!

I'm Osama Bin Laden, and I Approve This Message

Surfacing for the first time in over a year, Bin Laden attacked President Bush in a video-taped statement today, accusing him of "misleading the American people", and waging "the wrong war, in the wrong place, at the wrong time". Before a cheering crowd in his home town of Flint, Michigan, the Che Guevara of our time demanded freedom for his Muslim brothers, the resignation of Donald Rumseld, and the indictment of Dick Cheney for his corrupt ties to Halliburton. Most shocking was Bin Laden's scathing ridicule of Bush for sitting on his ass while the towers burned.

"Although he's sent millions of jobs overseas, we never thought that the pee-Resident SELECT would leave 50 thousand of his citizens in both towers to face the horrors by themselves when they most needed him," a concerned Bin Laden said. "It seems that listening to a story about a little girls's pet goat was more important than paying attention to airplanes butting the towers. But what more can you expect from a coke addict who went AWOL from the Texas Air National Guard? More of the same, more of the same."

Bin Laden's statement kicks off a 12-state "Get Out the Vote" tour with Bruce Springsteen, Bon Jovi, and Max Cleland's severed limbs.

I See a Bush Moon Rising

As we know, all ecological disasters can ultimately be traced back to Bush's refusal to ratify Kyoto. Sunspots. Earthquakes. The extinction of the dinosaurs. Even that funky business going on with the moon last night. Indeed, the timing of this whole moon thing seems especially suspicious - coming practically on the eve of our elections and all.

Despite what the fundamentalist biblethumpers will have us believe, lunar eclipses are not a "sign from God", nor are they caused by planets magically moving around in space. Obviously, there's a more scientific explanation. Caused by a high density of pollutants in the air - i.e. SMOG - a lunar eclipse is like a canary in the coal mine, signaling an ecosystem on the verge of collapse thanks to years of Bush's reckless environmental policies.

Shrub does not bear all the blame, however. With our culture of mass consumption, all of us have played a part in causing these bizarre celestial events. According to the The Communist Party USA - a non-partisan, grassroots organization dedicated to carrying on Joseph Stalin's legacy of environmental preservation - the United States consumes 85% of the world's natural resources and is responsible for over 97% of all pollution. Meanwhile, smaller, non-developed nations like Zimbabwe and France are left holding the bill. Every few years, 750,000 French citizens suffer needlessly from the adverse effects of lunar eclipses - eclipses caused by America's wholesale gang-raping of Mother Nature. During a surprise eclipse in 2003, the entire French city of Bordeaux unconditionally surrendered to the moon for several hours. Bush has yet to issue an apology.

The time has come to get over our primitive concept of "sovereignty" and join the International Community. As a dog will invite chiggers to clamp onto his flesh and sap away his very life essence, we too must reach out to our third world neighbors and give them complete regulatory control over our industry and trade. Some may call this a "radical" idea, but desperate times call for hysterical screeching. The United States is just too corrupt to keep its own house clean, and therefore must rely on the wise guidance of our benevolent UN elders.

Top scientists predict that if we maintain our current course of relentless environmental destruction, another lunar eclipse may occur as early as 2007. However, this may be the least of our worries. Unless we nationalize our economy and surrender all private property, Columbia Professor Al Gore warns that we can expect an ecological disaster like the one foretold in the shocking documentary The Day After Tomorrow, in which super-intelligent tornadoes seek out and destroy major Los Angeles tourist attractions, and gusts of cold air chase people down library hallways.

I don't know about you folks, but I'm not looking forward to spending my retirement in snowy Tijuana. On Tuesday, I'll be casting my vote for John Kerry. He defended this country as a young man, and he'll return the moon to it's rightful hue as our President.

Restoring Dignity to the White House

Now that's sure Presidential. I'll tell you this: Bill Clinton never stained the dignity of the Oval Office in such a vile manner. John Kerry won't, either.

Thankfully, by this time next week we'll be rid of this buffoon once and for all.

The New Face of Al Qaeda?

Something about this whole Al Caca thing has been grating on me, but I couldn't put my finger on it until this morning.

Most of my blog entries are born from the fumes of ordinary household cleansers, but sometimes my greatest revelations come while posting comments on other blogs. This morning I was over at Jet Noise, giving that fascist Cassandra a righteous smackdown with the blinding light of Liberal Logic, when it hit me.

380 tons of explosive material is alot of stuff to move overnight. You'd need twenty semis to haul all of it. Even Bush, in his divine stupidity, couldn't let a whole convoy of semis slip past him unnoticed. He's a dunce, but he's not blind.

So I got to thinking: what if they used one of those clown cars - you know, the ones that magically have room for 100 clowns? I expect a couple of tiny cars would be virtually invisible to spy satellites, and could easily slip though any checkpoints. After all, who is going to stop and search a funny little clown car? You'd have to question all those annoying clowns, with their big red noses and their loud horns. It'd be too much of a hassle. Best to just let the clowns on through, folks. I know I would.

Now, consider that a typical size-39 clown shoe could pack enough plastic explosives to bring down a 747. A clown carrying an anthrax-laced custard cream pie could walk right into the Capitol building, blend in amongst the senators and congresspersons, and take out John Kerry's entire staff of hairdressers. A squadron of clowns could take over an entire Pacific Northwest hemp products company and force its employees to read Ayn Rand screeds while ingesting vast amounts of fatty foods.

Terrified? You should be. Perhaps more so when you realize that Bush has done absolutely NOTHING AT ALL to protect us from terrorist clowns! He's wasted all this time chasing down innocent middle-eastern males named "Mohammed", when the real terrorist threat is Mr. McPickles, the Happy Hobo.

If there's one thing we learned from 9/11, it's that Bush let it happen in order to line the pockets of his Halliburton buddies. But if there was another thing we learned, it's that "he who hesitates is lost". NOW is the time to act, before any innocents suffer at the hands of these insidious, giggling vermin.

We must stake-out the places that clowns congregate: circuses, carnivals, gay pride parades, Michael Moore book-signings, etc. and record any suspicious activity. That is, activity that would be suspicious for clowns.

We must order airport security throughout the country to scrutinize any brightly-colored clowns who try to pass through the gates - provided they don't scrutinize more than two clowns a day and give equal attention to non-clowns. Under all that make-up, clowns are people too, you know. Protecting Americans from a painful, screaming death should never be used as an excuse to hurt someone's feelings.

Furthermore, we must constantly remind the public that clowns are a gentle, peaceful people and any anti-clown violence will not be tolerated (unless it's against Republican clowns, and then it's a matter of political expression). As President, John Kerry won't ignore the clown threat, but won't round up all the clowns and haul them off to Gitmo simply because they checked out a library book he doesn't like, either. Unlike Bush, Kerry will reach out to the clown community and bring them into the decision-making process. Rumor has it that he's already picked several clowns to fill his cabinet. But make no mistake: Any clowns that harbor plans for violent acts against the United States, John Kerry has a message for you: Go right ahead! Then watch in awe and horror as we conduct a global test, consult Marcel Marceau, fire Donald Rumsfeld, and then hunt you down wherever the International Community says we can!

What should we expect from Bush? More of the same, folks. More of the same.

Bush in Deep Al Qaqaa

Well, I'm back from a wild, four day hunting trip. You heard me right: HUNTING. With a GUN!

Don't worry, I'm not becoming a NRA gun nut conservative or anything. Right-wingers have fueled the common misconception that liberals are all a bunch of sprout-eating sissy boys who don't have the cajones to hunt down Bambi and shoot him in the ass. But I'm not only an environmentalist, but a mad rapist of the environment as well. Yep, you better believe it, bub! I'm a big, macho huntin' man, with a great big gun that I like to fire off because my penis is too small, and I don't take no guff from pansy-assed chickenhawks.

As usual, I "bucked a bag", as we huntin' men like to say - a thirty-seven pounder, at that. Ah, the glares of envy as I rolled into town with the carcass of the vanquished beast on the hood of my Toyota Prius! When I got home, I couldn't help but strut around my cervine trophy in full macho camo fatigues, pounding my chest and grunting like a meat-eating subanimal before crawling inside to watch the World Series.

Ah, baseball, the great American pastime. Right up there with churchgoin' and cleaning your gun after a good huntin' trip, if you ask me. I'm proud to say that I'm a devoted White Sox fan, and hope they wallop and trounce the Green Sox, or whomever it is they are playing. Julio Manuega is perhaps the best player in the sport today, and I'm sure he'll get his fair share of touchdowns on the ol' baseball square this week. I'll watch every single game - provided I'm not out huntin' varmints with my boomstick.

Anyway, there was a pile of email and news waiting for me when I got home and I'll probably spend the next couple of days playing catch-up.

First and foremost, it appears that our beloved Papa has taken a tumble. Needless to say, I instinctively suspected that the Shrub was behind it and had taken out poor Fidel just as he had taken out Che'. But it appears the great man simply became woozy at the thought of how his children are suffering at the hands of Bush's evil embargo, and fell off the stage. Thankfully, Cuba has a health care system that is the envy of the world, and ol' C-Daddy was back bustin' the rhymes as early as Saturday. Viva la Revolucion!

The next item on my news desk is the biggie. Call it an "October Surprise" if you will, but this just may be the final nail in Bushie's political coffin.

I danced a little jig of joy when I read the blaring headline "380 TONS OF EXPLOSIVES MISSING IN IRAQ", but my initial giddyness gave way to feigned outrage as I realized how Bush has once again failed the American people. According to our friends at CBS news, it has now come to light that the pee-Resident allowed over 380 tons of explosives to escape Iraq. In his headlong rush to war, he failed to move our troops into Bagdhad fast enough, and thus allowed tons of weapons to slip through our grasp.

Please keep in mind that these are not the fabled Weapons of Mass Destruction (WMD's) that Saddam never had, but rather smaller, less pointy, Weapons of Tolerable Destruction (WTD's). They weren't important when Saddam had them and are only dangerous in the context of Bush losing them. For years, Saddam held these weapons safely under lock and key, stockpiling them for purely humanitarian purposes - foreworks displays, blowing up tree stumps, etc. For decades, he diligently kept the explosive material out of the hands of America's enemies. Now, thanks to Bush's incompetence, Saddam's entire WTD arsenal has fallen into the hands of Iraqi Freedom fighters, or worse: Al Qaeda Freedom Fighters.

According to the International Atomic Energy Commission (a non-partisan, grassroots organization dedicated to insuring that world tyrants develop safe & sane nuclear programs), these once harmless weapons can now be used to commit terrorist acts or even detonate a nuclear bomb. Imagine an entire U.S. city in flames, millions dead, millions more dying painfully.

Simply more proof that this was the wrong war, in the wrong place, at the wrong time.

UPDATE:
Some of my readers have been emailing me to complain that I not only held a gun, but used it to engage in a violent act against our animal brothers. Once again, the right-wing has distorted what I said in order to mislead the American people. I never said that I went hunting. What I said was that I went to a Van Halen concert on Friday night, and spent the following three days in a marijuana-induced stupor. I don't remember much. I'm not even sure how I got home, frankly. The good news is that my glaucoma has completely cleared up, and Sammy Hagar has dropped all charges.

Is Ralph Nader the Messiah of Biblical Prophecy?

I've always admired Nader's footloose, freewheelin', rock n' roll persona, and I thought he'd be a wonderful addition to the presidential debates. Unfortunately, our opressive two-party system has the democratic process in a hegemonic chokehold once again, and I fear even Nader's promise of legalized crack won't pry it loose.

Still, it would be unwise to completely write Ralph Nader off this election year. The political dynamo is now on the ballot in 34 states, and stands a good chance of putting another 10 under his belt by November. If people finally wake up and realize that Nader is the last, best hope of mankind, I expect he might take at least .015% of the popular vote.

It's a hard pill to swallow, but too many Americans don't appreciate how much Ralph Nader has improved our lives. I can still recall the days before seat belts, when Grandpa would drive me around Vegas in his old Chevy Corsair, my head violently slamming against the dashboard whenever he stopped at an intersection. While I look back fondly on those times as my formative years as a liberal, I am infinitely thankful that Nader the Crusader fought to insure that all new cars have properly installed seatbelts. When he came to speak in Seattle a few months ago, I jumped at the opportunity offer him my undying gratitude for all he's done for me.

An orator of the classical style, Nader does not disappoint. With the dishevelled and unkempt appearance one would expect from a tenured Berkeley professor, he spoke at length about the political whores in D.C. and their corporate pimps, lambasting Bush for being both.

"Bush is a warmongering corporate whore who whores himself out to his corporate whoremasters!" Nader proclaimed before a cheering crowd of twelve at Seattle's Volunteer Park. "John Kerry is a whore too, but not as bad. We must cast off the shackles of global corporate interests and free ourselves from the opressive chains of capitalist whores!"

Utter brilliance. But the audience's wild applause suddenly turned to gasps of shock and horror as Nader stepped from behind his podium and tore off his clothes, revealing the pale, spotted nakedness of a man who has spent too many years under flourescent office lights.

"I will no longer festoon myself with the commercial by-products of megamonopolist slavemasters who profit from the exploitation of the working class!" Nader declared.

I felt a sudden pang of guilt. How long have I worn clothes, at the expense of the working man?

"You'll may also be surprised to know," Nader continued, "that I now refrain from bathing or practicing any personal hygeine whatsoever. Unlike the mega-corporatate whoremongers who pour their unholy industrial wastes into our streams and rivers, I will not allow my bodily filth to pollute our pristine natural resources. Therefore, I proudly store all my urine and fecal matter in small, airtight mayonnaise jars until such a time that they can be safely disposed of without harming the environment or exploiting any labor."

I felt another stab of shame. How long have I been crapping in toilets?

Then something happened that bordered on the Divine - something we Naderites will proudly tell our hunch-backed, androgynous larvae years from now. In mid-sentence, the great Ralph Nader began speaking in complete gibberish.

"It is only when we've rid ourselves of every last vestige of imperialist opression that we can truly be - Fooooogeldymoogunkedy gunkelyhoopity gerp!"

The crowd stared at him in stunned silence for several seconds, not knowing what to make of his bizarre behavior. It was I, and I alone, who truly understood what Mr. Nader was getting at, where he was coming from, and exactly where he was going.

You see, Ralph Nader's not simply some kook at the back of the voter's pamphlet, to be mocked and ridiculed by the likes of you. This is a man with godlike political savvy and superhuman intellect. Every word, every action, every nervous twitch is intentionally crafted to convey a specific message.

So as I watched Nader standing there in his birthday suit, hair in wild disarray, spittle spraying from his mouth as he spouted his transcendental gobbledygook, I knew it was really a symbolic attack on the influence corporate America wields over our lives. From cradle to grave, we're raised to be obedient drones in the fascist hive of commercialism; mindless slaves of the military industrial complex. The way we dress, what we eat, even our very educational system itself is tainted with the stench of capitalist greed.

The public schools, funded by blood money taken from the pockets of the working class, are merely another means of wielding control over the masses and raping the environment. Think about it: How many forests had to be clearcut to supply you with pencils and paper throughout your entire public education? Obviously, Nader is a man of deep feelings and cannot live with that kind of guilt. In a flash of brilliance, he therefore rejected the very language forced upon him by the totalitarian gulags of the mind.

"Moogagamooga McFoogahooga!" Nader gurgled as he clawed around in the dirt for grubs. "Boogagrrrnrkthk!"

I stood there, enraptured by this visionary of the ages, this prophet, this personification of the socialist dream. He was the purified agreggate of all progressive sapience, the logos pouring forth from his toothless cakehole like fresh vomit from a seasick wino. Like Siddartha exploding under the boojum tree, Ralph Nader had reached true liberal enlightenment.

I still recall the look in his eyes as the police dragged him away. I imagine Jesus had the same expression when the ancient Republicans nailed him to a cross for his liberal views. But just as Christ rose from the manger or whatever it was, Ralph Nader will rise from the ashes of his political career to lead us to Paradise.

Bush Scaring Seniors Again

My frail, 94-year old grandmother was rudely awakened at about one o'clock this morning by a very frightening phone call.

"HOWDY!" the loud voice said in a thick Texas drawl. "I'm George Bush! I just wanted to call to let ya'll know that when I'm re-elected, the first thing I'm gonna do is take away your social security. All you old geezers will be out on the street with the rest of the gutter trash!"

"Bullshit," Gramma shot back.

"No, bullshit, ma'am. No siree," Bush responded. "This is George Dumbya Shrub, the pee-Resident select, and I'm going to cut off your medicare, raise the prices on your prescription drugs, kill your poodle and burn your house down. Yeee-haaaaaaaw!"

"I'm hanging up," Gramma warned him.

After a brief pause, the caller changed tactics.

"Paralysis got you down?" he asked. "Vote for John Kerry, and you'll get up out of that wheelchair and walk again."

"I'm not in a wheelchair!" Gramma replied.

"Alzheimers, eh? Too bad Dumbya banned stem cell research, or your brain wouldn't slowly be turning into goo as we speak."

"Oh Jeezus!" Gramma groaned.

"Ah, an Evangelical, are ya? Did you know that Dick Cheney's daughter is a lesbian?"

"You're making me sick."

"Well, Gramma, you better hope it's not the flu, 'cause Bush is withhol-"

"Lawrence, is that YOU?" Gramma growled, cutting him off in midsentence. "You little shit! How'd you get my number?"

"Err...ummm..BUSH STOLE THE ELECTION!" the mysterious, yet enlightened caller stammered. "WHERE'S OSAMA, YOU CRAZY OL' BAT?"

*click!*

Alas, look at what it's come to. Bush has polarized this nation to such a degree that reich-wing grandparents are rudely hanging up on their own grandchildren, and getting unlisted phone numbers so you have to hire a private investigator to track them down. Some grandparents are even changing all the locks on the doors, and getting big guard dogs to keep friends and family from pulling out their Bush/Cheney yard signs and tp'ing their trees.

All this thanks to a man who promised to be a uniter, not a divider.

Alright, Enough About the Lesbian Already!

Okay, so maybe mentioning Cheney's lesbian daughter in the last debate wasn't exactly a brilliant idea. But aren't we going just a wee bit overboard, folks?  After all, when Bush remarked in the first debate that "John Edwards has a fat wife, but that's who she is...who she was born as", the democrats expressed nothing but gratitude for his thoughtfulness. If you ask me, this melodramatic right-wing overreaction to Kerry's comment betrays a certain degree of shame and embrassment on Cheney's part for his daughter's sexuality.

As a father of two girls, Kerry was merely trying to reach out to Mary Cheney and let her know that while her own dad might be a homophobic bigot, he himself was perfectly comfortable with her sexuality.  Unlike the gay-bashing repugs, John Kerry understands the pain and suffering gays and lesbians experience on a daily basis, and his shoulder would always be there for Mary to cry on.

Of course, neither The Scowl or his hellbitch of a wife appreciated Kerry's compassionate gesture.

"I did have a chance to assess John Kerry once more," Lynne Cheney told a crowd of snarling harpies. "And the only thing I could conclude is this is not a good man. This is not a good man. And, of course, I am speaking as a mom and a pretty indignant mom. This is not a good man."

John Kerry, a decorated Vietnam war hero thrice wounded in combat, was deeply hurt by Cheney's remarks.

"I was simply trying to say something positive about their daughter," he explained. "I have many gay and lesbian friends, and it's important for us as a society to embrace and celebrate their diversity. Although I'm a devout Catholic, I'm very open-minded and don't feel threatened by two consenting adults expressing love for one another. In fact, Mary Cheney would be perfectly welcome to express love for another woman at my place any time she wants. I have a nice shag carpet. We could dim the lights a little...put on some music.  Terayza might be a little stand-offish at first, but once we get some gin and raisins into her, she'll be as loose as a goose - if you know what I mean. Then once you two have got acquainted, I could put the camera on a tripod and join in.  It'd be a blast."

So you see, Kerry's harmless remark wasn't as sick and twisted as the reich-wing radio jocks are making it sound.  His motives were purely innocent, and he in no way meant to offend Mary Cheney or her family. If she would simply lift the restraining order, he'd be more than happy to drop by with some scented lotions and body oils to make up for it. 

Separated at Birth?

"I never left the democrat party..."
- Ronald Reagan

I've always had deep respect and admiration for President Ronald Reagan, perhaps the greatest, bestest, most wonderfully liberal president that ever was. Indeed, I consider him to be sort of a mentor, a father figure who has shaped my political thinking and made me the progressively minded, patriotic American that I am today. John Kerry, too, was amazed at the worldwide outpouring of love an affection shown towards Reagan when he passed away last July, and suddenly realized how much alike they were. That's why it pains us to see what has become of the Gipper's beloved Republican Party. The GOP has swung so far to the right since Reagan was in the White House, I doubt he'd even recognize it. The Fundamentalist Christian Evangelicals and Neocon Warhawks have turned the Party of Lincoln into the party of special interests, uncontrolled military spending, sweeping budget cuts, and back-alley abortions.

Bush has attempted in vain to capitalize on Reagan's popularity by constantly comparing himself to the great man. However, as history shows, John Kerry is more fitting to carry on the Gipper's legacy than anyone in the Republican party today. Ronald Reagan believed that the government's money, when pried from the greedy hands of the masses, was best invested in social programs for the People, not wasted on bombs and tanks. Although a deeply religious man, Reagan never let it interfere with his judgement, and was perfectly willing to support anything that contradicted his moral beliefs if it got him in good with the homos. Most of all, Reagan was loved the world over not for bombing the crap out of third world countries, but for embracing our allies and trusting their wisdom.

In fact, Reagan earned the title "The Great Communicator" for his keen ability to rally the International Community behind him. When our German allies invited him to their country to celebrate the Allied victory over Hitler, Reagan healed the wounds of WW2 and won the hearts of liberals everywhere by laying flowers on a German military cemetary.

When Libyan agents made an utter nuisance of themselves and bombed a West Berlin nightclub, killing two G.I.'s, Reagan didn't rush off to war without a plan to Win the Peace. Instead, he turned to our European friends for guidance. When it was suggested that U.S. bombers should immediately fly around both France and Italy and attack Tripoli, Reagan wholeheartedly agreed.

When Iran took 45 Americans hostage in 1982, the Ayatollah Khomeni was trembling in his turban for fear that Reagan would lose his temper and conduct a "Global Test". The hostages were released and Khomeni enjoyed his final years as a nobel laureate and tenured professor at Columbia.

When Palestinian freedom fighters hijacked the a cruise ship and executed a handicapped American, Ol' Dutch wasted no time in demanding a tersely written UN resolution condemning the horrible crime. Once again, our European allies stood by our side and brought those responsible to justice. Ten minutes later, those responsible were released and enjoyed a life of quiet religious reflection until U.S. troops rudely dragged them out of Iraq last year. Alas, the contrast between Bush and Reagan couldn't be clearer.

But out of all Reagan's successes, it is perhaps his cooperation with Mikhail Gorbachev that we admire him the most for. Despite their great philosophical differences, the Gipper was willing to sit down with the wise Russian leader and obediently assist him in his quest to end the Cold War. Because of Reagan's willingness to capitulate and compromise, the threat of global nuclear annihilation has been lifted and Gorbachev has taken his rightful place as Savior of the World. Think of how much potential Saddam could have had if Bush worked with him, rather than simply killed his sons and chased him down a spider hole!

That's the lesson that our European friends have taught us, one Reagan learned well, and the one that his true successor, John Wilson Kerry, will hone to a fine art.

* * *

Tonight, on CSI: Mobile, Alabama: Det. Cleatus Bodine (Gary Busey) investigates a human tooth he finds behind his Uncle Jethro's trailer. Is it his mother's? His sister's? Or both?

He Blinded Me With Science

When John Edwards casually mentioned the other day that he and John Kerry would make the lame to walk and the blind to see, the right-wing biblethumpers automatically assumed he was speaking in a religious sense. Actually, it was quite the opposite. Edwards was in fact talking about something uneducated repugs would know nothing about: science. The science of stem cell research, to be exact.

Stem cells taken from the human embyro have already cured millions of Americans of diabetes, AIDS, and unwanted pregnancies. Whether injected directly into the human bloodstream or enjoyed as a spread on crackers, stem cells can also cure male pattern baldness, sleep achnea, chronic bad breath, problem flatulence, rigormortis, dandruff, genital warts, and even insomnia - as long as you're touching the screen when John Edwards is on TV. God only knows the medical advances we would make from stem cells taken directly from John Edwards.

Currently, there are 150,000 - 200,000 human embryos sitting in a warehouse outside Barstow, California, just begging to be experimented on. As Dr. Mengele once said, "They're going to be destroyed anyway. Might as well have some fun with 'em." However, Bush blatantly refuses to open these embryos for research out of a fear that some great bearded god in the sky will smite him down.

So because of the Shrub's superstitious beliefs, Christopher Reeve is gone. Thanks to Shrub's loyalty to his 700 Club masters, Michael J. Fox will never talk to his feet in a wacky TV sitcom again. Thanks to Dumbya banning stem cell research, John Kerry's icon and mentor, his beloved Ronald Reagan, lies in a hopeless vegetative state, unable to speak the words he'd most suredly want to tell his fellow Americans: "Help is on the Way!"