My frail, 94-year old grandmother was rudely awakened at about one o'clock this morning by a very frightening phone call.
"HOWDY!" the loud voice said in a thick Texas drawl. "I'm George Bush! I just wanted to call to let ya'll know that when I'm re-elected, the first thing I'm gonna do is take away your social security. All you old geezers will be out on the street with the rest of the gutter trash!"
"Bullshit," Gramma shot back.
"No, bullshit, ma'am. No siree," Bush responded. "This is George Dumbya Shrub, the pee-Resident select, and I'm going to cut off your medicare, raise the prices on your prescription drugs, kill your poodle and burn your house down. Yeee-haaaaaaaw!"
"I'm hanging up," Gramma warned him.
After a brief pause, the caller changed tactics.
"Paralysis got you down?" he asked. "Vote for John Kerry, and you'll get up out of that wheelchair and walk again."
"I'm not in a wheelchair!" Gramma replied.
"Alzheimers, eh? Too bad Dumbya banned stem cell research, or your brain wouldn't slowly be turning into goo as we speak."
"Oh Jeezus!" Gramma groaned.
"Ah, an Evangelical, are ya? Did you know that Dick Cheney's daughter is a lesbian?"
"You're making me sick."
"Well, Gramma, you better hope it's not the flu, 'cause Bush is withhol-"
"Lawrence, is that YOU?" Gramma growled, cutting him off in midsentence. "You little shit! How'd you get my number?"
"Err...ummm..BUSH STOLE THE ELECTION!" the mysterious, yet enlightened caller stammered. "WHERE'S OSAMA, YOU CRAZY OL' BAT?"
*click!*
Alas, look at what it's come to. Bush has polarized this nation to such a degree that reich-wing grandparents are rudely hanging up on their own grandchildren, and getting unlisted phone numbers so you have to hire a private investigator to track them down. Some grandparents are even changing all the locks on the doors, and getting big guard dogs to keep friends and family from pulling out their Bush/Cheney yard signs and tp'ing their trees.
All this thanks to a man who promised to be a uniter, not a divider.
I received a whispered phone call that said "seven days" when I was watching a movie the other day. On 10/25, it'll be "seven days" until the election which is "seven days" from today. I'm scared, Larry. I'm real scared.
Posted by: Moonchild | October 18, 2004 at 08:36 PM
Someone in your family may be suffering from dementia, but it isn't your grandmother.
Posted by: aelfheld | October 18, 2004 at 09:38 PM
Dammit, Larry -- you made me spew 18-year-old Scotch all over my monitor!
Posted by: Cheney W. Halliburton | October 19, 2004 at 06:39 AM
I know where you all live. Soon we will have "Liberal Larry" classified as an Enemy Combatant.
Big Brother IS watching, and I am most displeased.
Posted by: Dick Cheney | October 19, 2004 at 06:56 AM
Excellent work, Lobo.
Gotta keep them grandparents in line, ya know.
Posted by: Five0 | October 19, 2004 at 07:15 AM
We'll see just how pro-Bush Gramma is when she gets drafted.
Posted by: Liberal Larry | October 19, 2004 at 08:03 AM
@"Dick Cheney"
Looks like we have an imposter.
Posted by: Cheney W. Halliburton | October 19, 2004 at 08:30 AM
Need not fear, Grandma! When I am elected President, I shall be your only Lord and Savior. I shall make the dead walk, pacify the Middle East, cure the lame and sick, all in 6 days.
Posted by: I, Jedi Kerry | October 19, 2004 at 09:30 AM
I think Bush has large stock in Alpo. He wants to take away grandma's social security and medicare so they have to have their medicine and resort to eating from Fido's bowl of Kibble's and Bits. DAMN YOU SHRUB!
Kerry of course, will change that when he takes office and uses his magic "cripple healing wand" and raise the taxes of those of us who don't need our money to 90% and be able to feed the hungry, clothe the naked, and make sure Grandma lives to be 300 in a single bat of an eye!
:)p
Posted by: ThaSickness | October 19, 2004 at 11:18 AM
It is vitally important that we get the truth out this election, even if we have to impersonate people and say things they don't really mean in order to do it.
Posted by: Vishnu Troll Daddy Earth Goddess | October 19, 2004 at 01:30 PM
I'm preemptively helping my grand parents right now to make sure they NEVER EVER hacve to deal with this kind of problem.
Posted by: Bad Commie | October 19, 2004 at 02:27 PM
Whew! Larry, I am so relieved to see you back with the liberal program. For awhile I thought we'd lost you! One of your best!
Posted by: JannyMae | October 19, 2004 at 03:06 PM
those dirty repukes.
I have a GLBTG friend in the hospital right now, he's recovering from AIDS. Not only was I not allowed to see her, but some right winger actaully wouldn't let me park in the handi-challenged parking area. Prick.
You are so right Larry. If these REpukes had their way , they'd melt old people down for their oil.
I can't wait until someone shoots one of them.
Peace.
Posted by: Strangelove | October 19, 2004 at 03:58 PM
Best line: From Larry's own Grandma: "You little shit, how'd you get my number?"
Oh man, I'm in tears. A grandmother hiding from her grandson!!! How do you come up with this stuff????
Posted by: Fuzzy Bunny | October 19, 2004 at 06:10 PM
Fuzzy, it's all true -- every word of it. You don't have to believe me, just ask Dan Rather.
Posted by: Cheney W. Halliburton | October 19, 2004 at 07:33 PM
Jedi Kerry,
I must confess that I am curious what you intend to do on the seventh day, after you have saved the world on the first six? The hegemonic RepubliKKKan party along with Darth Cheney, Bu$Hitler, and the Shrub family want you to believe that some "omnipotent" God rested on the seventh day, but you won't need to rest on the seventh day, will you?
Posted by: StateOfJefferson | October 20, 2004 at 08:06 AM
(chugs the sacramental wine)
Posted by: StateOfJefferson | October 20, 2004 at 08:07 AM
I heard Bush was gonna kill two birds with one stone and draft Social Security reciepents to fight in Iraq. I know because Ted Rall told me so! LOL
Posted by: ThaSickness | October 20, 2004 at 10:54 AM
Just think of all the problems that could be solved in this country, today, if only America's seniors were honest people.
It's time, oh great ones of the "Greatest Generation", to stand up for truth, call a spade a spade, and do what Liberal Larry's grandmother finally did: get your liberal grandsons/granddaughters who went off to a fancy college that you paid for before rejecting their religious upbringing, growing their hair long, demonstrating against the military and for their homo friends, and smoking grass--remember those ungrateful bastards? Anyway, get them on the phone, and tell them they're little pieces of shit.
Posted by: Kevin W | October 20, 2004 at 12:49 PM
My grandmother is a Republican, and they told me I was a little shit for supporting Kerry. I told them that, no, even though I disagree with Senator Kerry on the actuarial computations in his Medicare rescue plan, I support the man because he took a bullet in the ass for me in Vietnam, saving my life. Or, actually, saving me from getting the bullet in my ass, as he was directly behind me at the time. And I promised her, John Kerry would take a bullet in the ass for you too, grandma. If he happened to be right behind you at the time, anyway.
I think I changed her mind.
Posted by: Swiftie 4 Kerry | October 20, 2004 at 12:53 PM
John Kerry took a bullet in the ass and lived? Some would say that proves he's the Antichrist. Taking what would be a lethal wound for anyone else whose brain is ... down there ... and surviving?
Scary.
Posted by: Cheney W. Halliburton | October 21, 2004 at 10:42 AM
And you didn't ask her if she had AlGore in a can?
Amatuer.
Posted by: Cricket | October 22, 2004 at 08:07 AM
You know, Bush is withholding vaccine in return for votes. Think about it. It is an election year and the elderly have already been frightened by John Kerry into believing that their Social Security is at risk, so why not with hold shots? That will get those stubborn old people who defeated the original Hitler to vote for his clone.
Pass the bong.
Posted by: Cricket | October 22, 2004 at 06:58 PM
Canceling SSN, withholding flu shots from the elderly...isn't it obvious? This is all the setup to a "near future" drama...
SOLENT GREEN IS PEOPLE!!!
Posted by: Chuck Heston | October 23, 2004 at 04:04 AM
Kerry didn't take a bullet in the a$$. He got a grain of rice in his bicep.
Posted by: Cricket | October 25, 2004 at 08:17 AM