Border's Bookstore is a Right-Wing Shill

I got a very troubling call last night from Ashley "Peaceblossom" Phelps, my significant-other who may or may not be a member of the transgendered community. Her voice trembling with shock and horror, she told me that the downtown Border's had just stocked their "Bestsellers" shelf with 20 fresh copies of the Unfit Liars for Bush book. I screamed and dropped the phone as if it were a poisonous snake.

My God! I wheezed, clutching my chest. What have they done? All our hard work! All the blood, sweat and tears we had shed to protect innocent people from that filthy book of lies had gone right down the crapper.

Back in my UC Berkeley days, we could just toss such right-wing trash into a pile and have a great, big Bonfire of Liberal Enlightenment. Not anymore. Thanks to Hitler Bush and his dissent-crushing PATRIOT ACT, we progressives are forced to employ more creative measures to exercise our Freedom of Speech in this fascist police state. So for weeks, Peaceblossom and I plied the manager of every bookstore in town with "cash incentives" to keep that modern-day Mein Kampf off the shelves. Most were more than happy to comply, with the exception of Waldenbooks, i.e. MormonBooks, which is too holier-than-thou to take our bribes. No big surprise. We simply resorted to Plan B: sticking wads of chewing gum between the pages of the few copies the store had in stock, and replacing their covers with jackets from Michael Moore's book.

Border's, however...I had always believed that the Border's folks were on the side of truth and knowledge. Apparently I was wrong. Apparently, they've chosen to allign themselves with Karl Rove and his hatemongering, propaganda-spewing, swift boat ilk. I quickly changed out of my underwear, put on some clothes, and marched down to Border's to give those traitors a piece of my mind.

An little over an hour later, I walked into the busy bookstore, making my way around the giant pyramid of Bill Clinton's books, past the giant revolving dais of Bill Clinton's books, and down the long aisle of Bill Clinton's books to the shelf where all the bestsellers are usually displayed. There was Maureen Dowd's masterpiece in the #7 spot. Tommy "The American Weenie" Franks' book was at #5, although it looked like someone had stuck chewing gum between the pages. But the #1 shelf - where Unfit Lying Liars for Lies was sadly suppose to be - was completely bare!

How could this be? Perhaps Peaceblossom was mistaken, and they never stocked the horrible books. Or maybe the manager had seen the light and thrown them into the dumpster where they belong. Either way it was peachy keen with me. Case closed. But as I turned to leave, I saw a fat man in a "Bush '04" t-shirt and a ridiculous styrofoam "W" hat wheeling a load of the Unfit books towards the register.

"HOLD YOUR HORSES, FATSO!" I screeched, pointing an accusing finger at him. "WHAT THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING?"

"I'm a GOP operative," he confessed. "We go around town, buying up all the conservative books in bulk so they make the NY Times Bestseller List."

"I KNEW IT, YOU FASCIST!" I screamed. "Put those books back RIGHT NOW, before I call store security and have you beaten unconcious!"

He laughed meniacally, flashed me the three fingered salute, and continued pushing his ill-gotten booty towards the check-out line.

Needless to say, I was enraged.. I was so furious, that I almost kicked over a stack of Bill Clinton's books in anger. When I got my hands on that back-stabbing store manager, I was going to throttle him in the fashion of Jingus Khan!

I searched all over the store for the jerk - even looking under the giant oak table of Bill Clinton's books, only to find a pile of Monica Lewinsky's books smiling back at me. He must have known I was coming, because I finally found his skinny, turtleneck-wearing, Judas Iscariot ass hiding behind a lifesize cut-out of Bill Clinton.

"Stay away from me!" he hissed. "I'll scratch your eyes out!"

"I paid you ONE HUNDRED DOLLARS to keep that trash off the shelves," I growled at him.

"The money you gave me was counterfeit!" he hissed back. "I mean, golly gosh, imagine my surprise when I learned that Bill Clinton isn't even on the $100 bill!"

"Don't try to confuse the issue!" I snapped at him. "The authenticity of the bill is irrelevant, you partisan pajama operative! It's the information ON it that matters. Besides, I know a 90 year old woman up at the retirement home who worked for Bill Clinton back in 1972, and she'll confirm that he wants to be on the $100 bill. If that isn't good enough for you, then I'll just take my money back and my business elsewhere!"

Ten minutes later, I was back home and on the phone with Peaceblossom again. We're not going to take this sitting down. We're going to hit Border's where it hurts and organize a boycott. If they think they can squash our freedom of speech by preventing us from preventing them from selling books, they have another thing coming!

Comments

[La Femme Crickita]

"Another thing coming!" Lib Larry, I knew it. You are a genius. I am so ashamed that Borders is selling that right wing trash. I stand with you in solidarity. How can we, the denizens of the blogposters' world, help?

I can call and ask if they have Prince Albert in a can or at a Used Rush LIlmbaugh clithing sale. That will keep the managers busy. Remember, "The Sun'll Come Out, Tomorrow," so hang on. We're here for you, man.

[Cheney W. Halliburton]

I'd be glad to help out, Larry. I own a lot of stock in Books-A-Million and anything that hurts our prime competitor is fine with me.

I'll call Gordon Liddy and we'll start mixing the explosive. You rent the truck.

[the hairless bush]

pure genius

[Victim of Oppression]

My boss (a fascist who looks like Daddy Warbucks and smokes a cigar) told me the other day about how he went into the local Borders store and asked why they weren't carrying the swift boat liars' stupid book. The manager told him they could only sell books if they would make money.

So when I ordered my copy from Amazon, it took about two weeks to show up. No wonder. It's because there's almost nobody out there who wants the stupid book. It's not even worth their trouble to try to sell it.

[Wes]

Larry, you fricken rule!

[Pile On®]

Nice underwear Larry, those look a lot more comfortable than those hemp ones you sell.

[JannyMae]

Shocking! Simply shocking! Border's a right wing shill? Next thing you know, Karl Rove will be faking memos and giving them to Dan Rather. Pile On, count me in as another sucker who was fool enough to click on Larry's, "underwear," link...very attractive!

[Lune]

Sweet mother of pearl! I don't have time to read this now because it is so funny it will take loong time to read... will print and read later whe...

[ry]

Actually, Larry, not to be TOO nitpicky, but--the CORRECT way to pronounce "Genghis Kahn" is "zzHjenzhjis Kaahn."

At least, that's how my hero, JFK, pronounces it.

As far as how you came to stumble across that "xdress" link, I don't even want to think about that.

[El-ahrairah AKA the Gungy Guide]

Um, why would you refer to Waldenbooks and MormonBooks? I don't see the link.

[Kool-Aid Drinker]

Everybody knows Waldenbooks is really a Zionist shill. They should call themselves Judenbooks!

[Liberal Larry]

Wal-Mart, Smith Food King, Sears, Dominoes Pizza and NASCAR, and WaldenBooks are all owned by the Mormon Church. Just ask yourself why none of them will sell porn to kids. They're all dummy corporations set up to funnel money into right-wing hate groups like the Boy Scouts and Goodwill.

[JannyMae]

Wal-Mart, Shmal-Mart! I want to know how I can catch Ashcroft planting these crickets in my house. First, two in the closet, now he has planted one behind my kitchen cabinets! I must keep him from continuing to plant these bugs in my house! I KNOW it's him, but I can't catch him!

[Vishnu Troll Daddy Earth Goddess]

The best strategy for us to follow is to steal as many copies of the Unfit Lying Liars Lies book as we can find and give them to the skinhead neo-nazi redneck hillbillies in Alabama who are all going to vote to re (s)elect Bu$Hitler anyway (after we make a few photocopies for reference, so we can pool our mental resources pouring over them to find and exploit the lies and improper footnotes). Here is my reasoning:

1) Stolen books do not count as sales, therefore it drops out of the top-seller lists. No best-seller reinforces our belief that no real people want to read anything that puts Bushit in a postive light or casts doubt on the heroics of the great Senator Kerry who served in Vietnam.

2) Stolen books cause losses for the evil kkkorporations like Borders and the publishing companies. Kkkorporations do not like to lose money, so they will get out of the business of printing and selling this dangerous book. That means more shelf space for Clinton and Moore. Probably also Molly Ivans, if we can convince her to write another reference tome.

3) Insurance companies will have to cover the loss, resulting in a loss to the military-industrial complex that controls the insurance companies, which in turn controls the republikkkan kkkongress that mandates that we pay for car insurance. See the wheel coming around? The kkkorporations, the insurance companies, it all adds up.

4) without the profits from insurance companies, the military-industrial complex can no longer afford to saturate the marketplace with their Gaia-destroying SUV's. Did you ever notice that the SUV craze started right after the public saw all that dazzling footage of military Hummer's leaping over sanddunes during the first gulf-war-for-oil under King George I? Coincedence? I think not! Once again, we see it all revolves back to Halliburton. The more we pound that damn cowboy on Halliburton, the more we convince the undecided to vote against him.

5) So 1-4 all bring about the downfall of the military-industrial complex, which is good for us and bad for Halliburton and Cheney's stock options.

6) After we have made our copies (which helps us out by ensuring that kkkinkos, a kkkorporation, has the dole out more minimum-wage salary to its clerks), we can find all the lies and use them to show the public that Chimp is a fraud and his swiftboat cronies are just shills being paid by the man to slander the heroic John Kerry, who served so gallantly in the war he hated, just so he could see for himself the horrors afflicted on an innocent indegenous populace, in order to expose the war crimes and stop the war.

7) Finally, the icing on the cake. By planting the stolen goods on the rightwing hatemonger racists who are committed to keeping King George II in office, we can then use the evil John Asscroft against his own master. Stolen books that cross state lines make this a federal case, meaning Asscroft will think he is allowed to use the PATRIOT act to hunt down the thieves. After all, they want to find the perps since the theft at first appears to be a detriment to the Shrub campaign. But with a clever tip off to the press, all eyes will be on Asscroft and his jackboots when they discover that the books were stolen by their own constituents. Under the light of truth provided by our free press and the First Amendment, Asscroft will have no choice but to arrest and send to Gitmo the very Bu$Hitlerites he wants to serve and protect, thus they will be unable to vote for Chimpy!

How is that for our October surprise?

This plan will all but guarantee a massive swing in the undecideds, giving Kerry back his huge leads and a for sure win on November 3.

[JannyMae]

But Vishnu! What about my crickets?

[John "Sauron" Ashcroft]

JannyMae - Don't worry about the crickets.. it's the cyber-earwigs you need to look out for.

[La Femme Crickita]

Vishnu Troll Daddy Earth Goddess,
They will still find a way to pin it in that poor innocent, Dan Rather, who WAS IN NO WAY to blame for that poor job of forgery that got past his eagle eye.

Sauron, Larry will be asking you what the eye commands.

We wait with baited somethings or other.

[JannyMae]

Cyber earwigs! I only care about Cyber earwigs if they'll get rid of these damn crickets! (Apologies to La Femme)

[La Femme Crickita]

Non offense taken. It is only when I get blamed for things like boogers on mail, or get chased into corners...

[Vishnu Troll Daddy Earth Goddess]

Crickets? How can you care about crickets? The temperature of Gaia Earth Mother has been rising steadily since the Eisenhower administration (during which time republiKKKan presidents have outnumbered Democrats 6-4, with JFK being killed by the Zionists before finishing his term), and will likely rise to the point of catastrophic floods and droughts by 2008 if we do not elect John Kerry on November 3 and sign the Kyoto protocols. If anything, the crickets are there because Shrub, in supporting the clear-cutting of old-growth forests, has so decimated their natural habitats that they are forced to migrate into your domicile. You want fewer crickets? Then go spike some trees, dipwad!

[JannyMae]

Wait till Ashcroft puts one in your closet, Vishnu, and it keeps you awake half the night. Then you'll care about crickets!

[La Femme Crickita]

Janny Mae,
That cricket in your closet must be a Leftoid Moonbat.
Sadly, we Crickets have our left leaners too, and some are of an evangelical nature. What you do to shut it up is get the temp to freezing in your closet and it will hibernate. Or just get a can of Raid.

Global warming hasn't harmed the accuracy of reading temps by crickets' chirps. You time them by the number of chirps in a minute, and that is the outside temp. It is accurate to within a degree, give or take.

The crickets in my backyard have been slowing down over the past four weeks, which hardly indicates global warming. They and the tree Phrogs have been battling it out for Most Annoying Unseen Sounds all summer long.

Now with summer officially over, they are starting to hibernate. Why this is relevant, I don't know except to tell you how nuanced and sensitive I am. Hee hee.

[JannyMae]

Well, I am so thrilled! My cat got the cricket in the kitchen, so now all I have to concentrate on is taking Vishnu's advice and making absolutely SURE that I go out on November 3rd and vote for John F'in Kerry for dog catch---um, I mean, President!

[La Femme Crickita]

Janny Mae,
That's wonderful. Your cat acting like a real predator.
Let us pass the bong in celebration and mark our calenders for the second so we can stay in front of our computers for Vishnu's e-mail, and then, in solidarity,
we can hit the streets for Kerry on the third. I will bring the brownies.

[Vishnu Troll Daddy Earth Goddess]

Sisters, brothers, I will not let you down! We are all in this together, united as citizens of Spaceship Earth. Kerry will lead us, steering our ship as captain, with all the talent of a swiftboat veteran. Not the war-criminal Ghengis Khan type, cutting off ears and tongues, but the rescuing, pulling the fallen out of the water type. Because under the tyrannical reign of the despotic chimp Bu$Hitler, we are all drowing in the water like a fallen comrade. Thank Gaia Earth Mother for Kerry to rescue us all on November 3!