CBS: Memos May Be Fakes

Last week, the world was kicked in the pants like a retarded kid in the schoolyard by the discovery of official memos proving that Bush skipped a physical exam during his service in the Texas Air National Guard. Rather rightly believed this information to be tighter than the lugnuts on Daddy's '67 Ford Fairlane. He was 100% certain it was the Big Burrito, the last feather on the rooster tail, raising new questions about Bush's ability to wage a so-called "War on Terror". Now thanks to an internal investigation more thorough than a rectal exam at a gay bathhouse, CBS has come to the sudden realization that they were taken like a cheap New Orleans floozy. We owe CBS a big ol' Daniel Webster ceegar and a hearty "kudos" for coming public with their findings before any serious damage could be done to John Kerry's campaign. Now those behind this whole Alabama goat-dance must step forward and take responsibility. Heads must roll and apologies must be issued for what has all the earmarks of partisan smear campaign nasty enough to gag a buzzard.

So, Mr. Bush, Dan Rather patiently awaits your apology, though I wouldn't recommend he hold his breath. Bush is as stubborn as a three-legged mule in a hat race and never owns up to his mistakes, letting decent joes like Rather take the fall for them. If Bush had simply confessed months ago to all the accusations leveled against him, CBS would never have had to go digging like Fido in Grandma's flowerbed for any falsified evidence to back up their facts. Thanks to Bush, a man known for his unbiased reporting, high journalistic standards, and a pursuit of the truth more relentless than an Apache in a scalping contest has had to do the news for the past week with a look on his face like he just crapped his Edward R. Murrow underoos. Thanks to Bush, a man loved worldwide for his 60-year career of professional integrity now gets looks dirtier than a greased piglet on Easter Sunday. In one short week, Dan Rather's stellar reputation has been torn to shreds like a black man dragged behind a pick-up truck in Jasper, Texas.

A good man sits alone in his New York penthouse tonight, looking sadder than a wet cat in a microwave. His flinty gray eyes gaze mournfully at his 19 emmys and countless other awards for journalism, wondering where it's all gone - and if he'll ever get it back.

How many more lives will be ruined before the Shrub admits that his military record is spottier than Angela Lansbury's thighs?

Comments

[JannyMae]

Whoa! Angela Lansbury's thighs are spotty! The things you find out on this blog. I am shocked I tell you, simply shocked!

[Metaphor Early-Post Warning System]

** WARNING! WARNING! WARNING **

[Carson]

Larry, I imagine there are times you wonder if the sheer brilliant depth of your satire reaches or is appreciated by any of your readers (like this post's nod to Rather's heavy and hilarious use of simile). Let me assure you, that though quiet, I am one of many regular readers who appreciate just how dad-gum genius and layered your posts are. You sir have a gift. May you continue to wield it in the pursuit of debunking all that messed up right-wing thinking.

[d_Brit]

Hi Larry and all,

I just discovered your blog and I love it!

Carson is right Larry, you do have a rare gift.

I couldn't stop smiling, chuckling and outright laughing over and over. You are a brilliant satirist and with humor you say so much, so well.

I have put you into my favorites and you can be sure that I will be a regular, as well as spreading the word on other blogs.

[Calliope]

Well, once again Bushitler strikes. I have no doubt at all Rovegoebels is behind this attempt to make Mr. Rather look like the downstairs tenant in a 2-story outhouse. Mr. Rather has been all over the Bushites like a duck on a June-bug for decades and they've finally managed to discredit them. Or so they think.

All (ahem) correct thinking people know the truth though. So as the blame and false charges rain down on Mr. Rather like a cow pissing on a flat rock we should all keep in mind who's really behind all this.

[Bad Commie]

Roversgoebels. Heh. I think Bush-Hitler should confess to personally setting up Dan rather by typing the memos himself. Bush personally sat down and copied the old memos into word. Just like with Burkett, BushHitler is destroying Dan Rather's health because Hitler Hates Healthcare.

HHH!

Peace Pout!

[Another nation heard from]

Lar, hon, have you ever thought of donating your DNA?
Just think! You wouldn't have to raise the children, the state would and your genius could be passed on, until cloning was perfected and another 'you' was created.

Oh, please say yes! Just like the movie, "A Boy and His Dog."

[Kool-Aid Drinker]

Calliope, your comment about "the downstairs tenant in a 2-story outhouse" is profoundly insensitive! On behalf of people everywhere who have to live in outhouse basements, I am offended! I demand you retract that comment and apologize publicly!

We'll discuss your punishment after we've judged the sincerity of your apology.

[JannyMae]

I'm still shocked about Angela Lansbury's thighs! Now I have a question: What does the downstairs tenant in a two story outhouse look like? Oh, wait, never mind! I get the, "picture."

[Vishnu Troll Daddy Earth Goddess]

Yet again, it is clear that the jackbooted thugs of the Asscroft brigade, under the direction of KKKarl Rove, have managed to misuse the PATRIOT act to once again quash the civil liberties of good Americans, this time Dan Rather and the staff of CBS. Thanks to warrantless entries and computer seizures, there is nothing to stop the regime of Bu$Hitler from secretly entering the homes of Democrat faithful, planting false evidence on personal computers, and then using those computers to send pro-Chimp propaganda to the unfortunate victims in the non-Fox press. How else to explain this debacle? Does it make any sense at all that someone as brilliant as Burkett and as professional as Rather would blunder so blatantly? I think not. The only possible explanation is that Asscroft operatives broke into Burkett's house under the umbrella gestapo protection of the PATRIOT act, used his computer to produce clever forgeries which, while telling the truth that all the world already knows, would by their form suddenly shift the burden of proof from Shrub and all of Daddies cronies to his accusers, and then set up Dan and CBS as patsies. The only question left to answer is, what did Halliburton know, and when did they know it?

[Calliope]

My apologies Kool-Aid Drinker.

I'm saddened, saddened that under the stress induced by the Bushitler regime I made such a statement. I'm deeply sorry. In fact I now realize I've even offended myself!

This is what the US has become. A place where someone like Kool-Aid Drinker can't even come online to an enlightened liberal website like this to be inspired by Larry without having to face insensitive comments from the likes of me. Again, I apologize. I am deeply sorry. Really, deeply, sorry.

Kerry in '04! He'll make downstairs outhouse dwellers proud again!

[Rimshot]

In order to fully understand how Bu$hithead and his Third Reich junta are conspiring to turn Amerikka into a facist imperialist dictatorship and crush the working class and steal all the oil for Halliburton then set up a X-ian puritan theocracy, you really have to smoke a huge bowla primo weed, then repeat this every few hours for a whole week.

[La Femme Crickita]

I think Kool-Aid drinker needs to take this to the UN Apologetics Council.

[VIshnu Troll Daddy Earth Goddess]

Careful, Calliope, the Asscroft gestapo is monitoring you via the PATRIOT act, so anything you say will be recorded and used against you in your military tribunal.

[La Femme Crickita]

We are all wearing our tin foil hats, courtesy of Larry.
I know mine is working because I am here, reading, and growing, no longer a victim. the truth will make you free.

[Tim]

Fuck you , Numb Nuts