The UNITED States of America. United we stand, divided we fall. Yet frighteningly, America is more divided than ever. Economic disparity, religious extremism, and Bush's cowboy "For Us Or Against Us" policies have driven a wedge right through the very heart of this once great nation. If the main message from the DNC rings true (and it does), then the greatest threat to our freedom lies not in some mosque in Mecca, but in a simple church in the Bible Belt.
The time has come for all patriotic Americans to unite under a common cause: getting rid of the Christians. Not all Christians, mind you - just the ones whose religious beliefs interefere with our political agenda - i.e. Christian Fundamentalists. Their backwards, outdated belief system is based on unwavering moral absolutes, which only alienate those enlightened Americans who have no morals at all. Ironically, these so-called "morals" Christians claim to possess aren't even true morals, as they stem not from a Noam Chomsky pamphlet or a Michael Moore film - but from some silly old book they found in a motel room dresser.
This ignorant Christian self-righteousness makes it next to impossible to reason with these people. Try getting a right-winger to fund homoerotic photography or a feces-smeared Virgin Mary with his tax dollars. Try explaining the joys of partial-birth abortion to some religious nut who worships an invisible diety in the sky more than a Woman's Right to Choose. Try talking a nun out of her habit for a few quick polaroids. Heck, try getting a "Born Again" gal into the sack without a marriage license and a big stinking committment! You can't even smoke some crack and have sex with your dog in the front yard without the fundamentalist neighbors screaming "Stop that! Stop that!". Intolerant by nature, self-righteous to the extreme, Christians are ruled by hatred and bigotry - and the sooner we're rid of them the better.
Now before you start sending in the hate mail, I'm not advocating violence against Christians - at least, not officially. *Wink wink, nudge nudge.* For the time being, we'll continue to simply mock and ridicule them for the self-righteous, hateful bigots they are - while graciously granting them the gift of our tolerance and understanding. But if they take advantage of that gift by stopping one single abortion, it's onto the metaphorical box cars with them! Our French friends have been handling their "Jewish problem" this way quite effectively, and the little kippers are fleeing the Mother Country in droves.
After we've rid ourselves of the Christian menace, we'll go after those whose divisiveness lies in their refusal to divide up their loot: the evil rich. That'll be fairly easy - they only comprise a small portion of the population and we've managed to demonize them to great success already. However, while the wealthy don't represent a sizeable voting block, they still manage to use their vast resources to support candidates who won't fuck them up the ass. That's why in a new united America, they'll have no resources at all. By simultaneously imposing confiscatory taxation on their greedy asses while preventing them from fleeing the country to avoid getting fucked up the ass, we'll take the power out of the hands of the CEO's and put it back where it belongs: in the hands of the workers. Well, the union workers, anyway. Or at least, the union leaders who speak for them. And the politicians who speak for the union leaders. But nevermind that - what matters is that Grandma's starving and little Billy can't afford his medical bills all because a few billionaires choose to hoard their riches in great big vaults so they can swim around in their ocean of money and not let their nephew Donald have even one measly little penny. No more. Not in MY America!
Finally, once we've forced all the evil Christians and the greedy rich to stop polarizing the country, we'll take care of the idealogues - or, anyone whose idealogy is different than ours. Because while we insist on tolerance and diversity, we simply can't tolerate diversity of opinions. If we're ever going to unify the nation, if we're ever going to realize Dr. King's dream of free love and free drugs, we must be of one mind, one purpose, one will.
Join us in this cause. Let's make America stronger at home and respected in the world. Let's ensure that once again, in our one America — our one America — tomorrow will always be better than today.
Resistance is futile.
While I admire your attempt to sanitize the nation through religious cleansing, there are likely some Democratic Christians. Probably the best solution is to get rid of the Republicans. Maybe set up an internment camp for them in Montana or something.
Posted by: Norman | July 29, 2004 at 05:22 PM
Actually, resistance is UTILE. Every time "they" complain about our enlightened self-restraint, just explain how unreasonable and polarizing they're being in the most strident & rude way possible. Truth to power, eh?
Posted by: urthshu | July 29, 2004 at 06:25 PM
Norman - there are democratic Christians. In fact, they're the REAL Christians. That's why I stipulated that only those Christians who allow their religious beliefs to interfere with our political agenda will be loaded onto metaphorical boxcars. Any Christians who believe the Ten Commandments are actually Ten Suggestions are no threat to us.
Posted by: Liberal Larry | July 29, 2004 at 06:42 PM
"Because while we insist on tolerance and diversity, we simply can't tolerate diversity of opinions." So true! Larry, you are truly a genius!
Posted by: JannyMae | July 29, 2004 at 08:07 PM
whilst eating my root beer popsicle i stumbled upon this article and nearly choked. hilarious, keep after those bigot Jesus-loving peices of fasicist dogshit, Larry ol' boy. Jesus did after all preach hate.. right?
Posted by: Fusion | July 29, 2004 at 11:04 PM
Did you make this root beer popsicle yourself, or is there someplace I can buy this?
Posted by: W.R.X. | July 30, 2004 at 03:05 AM
This is the greatest site.....ever. I really thought i was on another hate bush blog, but I read this story a couple of times until i was red in the face - embarassed that i did not get the joke sooner. I am Richard Roma, the most hated "troll" at Indymedia.
Posted by: Richard Roma | July 30, 2004 at 09:10 AM
I just read Alec Baldwin's comments at that DNC doings, and he said, almost word for word, what Larry did. For some odd reason, I find that worrisome. Maybe it's because I have a taste for a rootbeer popsicle...yeah, that must be it.
Posted by: JannyMae | July 30, 2004 at 10:02 AM
Ah HAH! "Liberal Larry" is not our host's real name! I suspected as much!
Hey Alec, give a message to Kim for me, will ya? She and I met at an undisclosed location not too long ago, and she left her purse on the night stand.
Posted by: Cheney W. Halliburton & the Neo Conga Ball | July 30, 2004 at 04:55 PM
It is unfortunate how badly you haev labeled Christians. I am a socialist myself as well as a very spiritual Christian. the difference between real Christianity, as captured in the TRUE essence of Jesus's teachings, and the Christianity of the right, is a strict fundamentalism. The religous right opposes islamic fundamnetalism while they support Christian fundamentalism. They all seek no transcendental experience of the divine reality, but rather a horrid interpretation of "the will of God", as if God's will can be formulated and bound in side a book, ha! Christians in themselves are not the problem, though i to have made this mistake, rather narrowmindness and ignorance to real morals and ethics are. Blessings.
Posted by: Sam | October 15, 2004 at 05:54 PM
fuckin fag shut up
Posted by: mike | October 25, 2004 at 12:32 PM
Gee Mike. You must be one of those "believe in it" Christians.
I know I am late to the party, but can I have a rootbeer popsicle, too? Or do I have to go to the committee and hope for a slice of gov't pie?
Posted by: J at TAotB | November 02, 2004 at 12:10 PM
"The earth is flat, and anyone who desputes this claim is an atheist who deserves to be punished."
(Muslim religious edict, 1993 - Sheik Abdel-Aziz Ibn Baaz, Supreme religious authority, Saudi Arabia)
"punishment" for atheism in the Koran- BEHEADING!!
ALLAH AKBAR!!!
Posted by: JimmyTehHat | November 29, 2004 at 01:37 PM
the difference between christian fundamentalists and muslim fundamentalists is very simple:
MUSLIM FUNDAMENTALISTS ARE WRONG!
Posted by: Stalin Lives In Boston | December 14, 2004 at 09:41 PM
Nicely worded... love your blog!!
I keep telling my dummocrat friends not to worry... afterall the weather is quite warm where they are going in the afterlife and they will be with all their friends.
Posted by: Dumbass Liberal | December 30, 2004 at 08:58 AM
the difference between christian fundamentalists and muslim fundamentalists is very simple:
MUSLIM FUNDAMENTALISTS ARE WRONG!
*****************************
That's the funniest damn thing I have seen in quite a while.
I love this site. Just happen to run across it looking for proof to give to my lefty Aunt. Guess I sent her to the wrong site again. Oops!
Posted by: Truth is Here | January 12, 2005 at 12:54 PM
so funny...
republicans happily call liberals narrow minded but take no shame in telling anyone who disagrees with them to shut up fucking fag
and being a fag has to be bad, right?
Posted by: Notanotherliberal | January 18, 2005 at 09:17 AM
Sam, In requards you your statement, "fucking fag shut up" You just made yourself look like an embesile. With that comment, I will disregaurd anything you say from here on out because I find you to be obnoxiously immature. For future reference, if you are trying to argue your point of view, name calling and slander is probably the worst route to take. This was a terrific article by the way :-D
Posted by: Parker | February 06, 2005 at 10:51 AM
Sorry sam! My posting was directed towards the child! aka: Mike
Posted by: parker | February 06, 2005 at 10:54 AM
True Christian = Democrat? Yeah, I'm sure we all love to associate with slavers, atheist bigots and murderers.
Posted by: Executor | February 11, 2005 at 06:24 PM
"The religous right opposes islamic fundamnetalism while they support Christian fundamentalism."
Let's compare apples and oranges and then put it under one category called "religion."
Religious fundamentalists obviously support fundamentalism (amazing, isn't it?)
A tiny, tiny, tiny, tiny, tiny amount of the "Bible thumping retarded reichpublikkan dittoheads" call for a theocratic government.
Is Bush considered a fundamentalist? Most likely, he adheres to the fundamentals of Christianity, and probably doesn't go to the Universal Church of Tolerance headed by a lesbian pastor.
Does Bush want to send all of the students in the public education system to Bible camps...I don't think so...(sorry Liberal Larry.)
Posted by: Jeremy | March 12, 2005 at 09:46 PM
"You just made yourself look like an embesile."
-Notanotherliberal
I love irony.
Posted by: Fletcher | March 17, 2005 at 11:13 AM
was the war in europe (39-45) a battle against hitler or a battle of the greedy right against socialism.Lets be honest the jews have never been so rich or powerful , and as for mosad the nazis had nothing on them , nothing is immoral to their cause ,including royalty. rob
Posted by: rod | April 30, 2005 at 02:29 PM
Excellent article. Try living with an overzealous Christian mother. In essence these people are completely brain-washed, my mother is no longer the lively, funny, Led Zeppelin-lovin' Child of the 60's. She has become another Christian Zombie, a shadow of her former self. What can I do to help overthrow these "Christian" fucks? I plan on joining a local Democratic group for starters. For those of you who are familiar with Star Wars, and have seen Episode III, I think Palpatine has some great strategies that should be taken into consideration.
Posted by: Syd | June 08, 2005 at 10:33 PM
Syd have you considered pulling a "Schiavo" on your obviously fake Reichpublikkkan Kkkristian mother?
The world would be a better place, would it not?
Posted by: Jeremy | June 23, 2005 at 05:05 PM