BlameBush!

End Military Benefits NOW!

For years, conservatives have spun their lie that young men and women join the armed forces out of some courageous, selfless sense of duty to serve and defend our country. However, great thinkers like Michael Moore, Ralph Nader, and Ozzy Osbourne warn us that the truth is far more sinister. In reality, trusting schoolchildren are tricked into service by unscrupulous recruiters, who seduce them with promises of college tuition and veteran's benefits. As a result, poor kids from poor families unwittingly serve as cannon fodder for the right-wing's imperialistic wars of agression, while the sons of rich, white senators stay home and play Ghost Recon on their Playstation 2.

The solution to this injustice is simple: remove the incentive. End all military benefits NOW. No more free health care. No more college tuition. No more G.I. discount at Carl's Jr. Without this carrot to dangle in front of the noses of our naive toddlers, recruiting stations will crumble to dust. The military/industrial complex will wither on the vine, and the Bush junta will be robbed of the means to wage further hegemonic crusades. Peace, love, and understanding will rule the day. The lion will lie down with the lamb, and cellophane flowers of yellow and green will tower over our heads. Look for the girl with the sun in her eyes and she's gone.

The welfare system, not the U.S. military, was created to provide for America's underprivileged. The funds we've been wasting on veterans benefits and recruitment propaganda should be invested in our future, by giving children from lower-income families FREE college tuition, FREE healthcare, and FREE retirement benefits without having to actually work for it. Once we've purged the military of any impoverished youth looking for handout from Uncle Sam, we can take the next logical step and cease paying military wages altogether. After all, if our fighting men and women are as patriotic as the right would have us believe, then they should be more than happy to put their lives on the line pro bono.

Come to think of it, do we even need a military? Nations like Puerto Rico and France have done just fine without armed forced for years.

I urge John Kerry and other democrats to stop trying to woo military votes away from Bush with promises of increased pay and benefits. Once the voter is in the armed forces, he's already been brainwashed into voting Republican and is therefore lost to us. We must concentrate our efforts on the unwashed masses who have yet to be mesmerized by pot-bellied generals with tales of glory. If we can keep kids out of the service and instead herd them into approved institutions of higher learning, we can easily convince them to hate the U.S. and its military as much as we do.

You can count on Bush

...to make an ass out of himself, that is.

You'd think his handlers would steer him clear of anything that involves numbers. Or hand gestures. This is the same clown who waved at Stevie Wonder, for crying out loud.

the hamsters...the hamsters...

How do you ask a hamster to be the last hamster to die for a mistake?

Christianity: The Ultimate Evil

The UNITED States of America. United we stand, divided we fall. Yet frighteningly, America is more divided than ever. Economic disparity, religious extremism, and Bush's cowboy "For Us Or Against Us" policies have driven a wedge right through the very heart of this once great nation. If the main message from the DNC rings true (and it does), then the greatest threat to our freedom lies not in some mosque in Mecca, but in a simple church in the Bible Belt.

The time has come for all patriotic Americans to unite under a common cause: getting rid of the Christians. Not all Christians, mind you - just the ones whose religious beliefs interefere with our political agenda - i.e. Christian Fundamentalists. Their backwards, outdated belief system is based on unwavering moral absolutes, which only alienate those enlightened Americans who have no morals at all. Ironically, these so-called "morals" Christians claim to possess aren't even true morals, as they stem not from a Noam Chomsky pamphlet or a Michael Moore film - but from some silly old book they found in a motel room dresser.

This ignorant Christian self-righteousness makes it next to impossible to reason with these people. Try getting a right-winger to fund homoerotic photography or a feces-smeared Virgin Mary with his tax dollars. Try explaining the joys of partial-birth abortion to some religious nut who worships an invisible diety in the sky more than a Woman's Right to Choose. Try talking a nun out of her habit for a few quick polaroids. Heck, try getting a "Born Again" gal into the sack without a marriage license and a big stinking committment! You can't even smoke some crack and have sex with your dog in the front yard without the fundamentalist neighbors screaming "Stop that! Stop that!". Intolerant by nature, self-righteous to the extreme, Christians are ruled by hatred and bigotry - and the sooner we're rid of them the better.

Now before you start sending in the hate mail, I'm not advocating violence against Christians - at least, not officially. *Wink wink, nudge nudge.* For the time being, we'll continue to simply mock and ridicule them for the self-righteous, hateful bigots they are - while graciously granting them the gift of our tolerance and understanding. But if they take advantage of that gift by stopping one single abortion, it's onto the metaphorical box cars with them! Our French friends have been handling their "Jewish problem" this way quite effectively, and the little kippers are fleeing the Mother Country in droves.

After we've rid ourselves of the Christian menace, we'll go after those whose divisiveness lies in their refusal to divide up their loot: the evil rich. That'll be fairly easy - they only comprise a small portion of the population and we've managed to demonize them to great success already. However, while the wealthy don't represent a sizeable voting block, they still manage to use their vast resources to support candidates who won't fuck them up the ass. That's why in a new united America, they'll have no resources at all. By simultaneously imposing confiscatory taxation on their greedy asses while preventing them from fleeing the country to avoid getting fucked up the ass, we'll take the power out of the hands of the CEO's and put it back where it belongs: in the hands of the workers. Well, the union workers, anyway. Or at least, the union leaders who speak for them. And the politicians who speak for the union leaders. But nevermind that - what matters is that Grandma's starving and little Billy can't afford his medical bills all because a few billionaires choose to hoard their riches in great big vaults so they can swim around in their ocean of money and not let their nephew Donald have even one measly little penny. No more. Not in MY America!

Finally, once we've forced all the evil Christians and the greedy rich to stop polarizing the country, we'll take care of the idealogues - or, anyone whose idealogy is different than ours. Because while we insist on tolerance and diversity, we simply can't tolerate diversity of opinions. If we're ever going to unify the nation, if we're ever going to realize Dr. King's dream of free love and free drugs, we must be of one mind, one purpose, one will.

Join us in this cause. Let's make America stronger at home and respected in the world. Let's ensure that once again, in our one America — our one America — tomorrow will always be better than today.

Resistance is futile.

No Chip off the Ol' Gipper!

I can't help feeling a smidgeon of schadenfreude as the GOP reels over Ron Reagan Jr.'s sudden defection. I can just picture ol' man Cheney chewing the stuffing out of his sofa cushions in rage over this! The son of their conservative icon has shunned the dark side and become a Jedi Knight for the Democrat Party. What a coup!

While the GOP may never recover from this, we democrats were taken totally by surprise as well. It seems like just last month that we were all cracking jokes about his fascist father's illness and popping open champagne bottles in celebration of his death. Who would have thought that the spawn of a senile, drooling old geezer who didn't even recognize his own daughter would grow up to speak at a Democrat National Convention, of all things?

And what a fine speaker he is, too. For what seemed like hours, he moved us to tears with a brilliant, empassioned speech on the necessity for stem cell research, so that people like his father will never have to suffer a debilitating - yet incredibly hilarious - disease again.

An excerpt:

"Knowing she can donate tissue from her abortion to potentially lifesaving medical research may help a woman turn an unintended pregnancy about which she may feel a sense of loss into a social good. The choice to donate often gives solace to women who may need to end their pregnancies."

No wait...that was from the Planned Parenthood website's page on stem cell research.

Okay, here he is:

"...and dudes, they like take your cells and put 'em on embryos - kinda like caviar on crackers and shit - and then inject it into your brain where they like, totally replace the bogus cells that give you Alzheimers and stuff. In other words, you're cured, dude!"

Cured, indeed. While his old man was thicker than the layer of boogers under Michael Moore's seat at the convention, Junior is obviously an incredibly bright and emotionally deep man.

Laugh if you must, but any doubts over his intelligence are easily dispelled by that Mr. Spock Amok Time thing he kept doing with his hands. Men of wisdom make this gesture all the time. Doc Severinsen. Abe Vigoda. It's our way of saying, "Behold how thoughtful and deep I am, yet at the same time humbled and honored by the oppportunity to speak before you."

No, Junior, the honor was all ours.

The part where he spread the stem cells on Ritz crackers kind of creeped me out, though.

John Kerry Storms Boston

As Wagner's "Ride of the Valkries" blared over loudspeakers, the water taxi carrying the decorated John Kerry jetted across Boston Harbor in a dramatic reinactment of his .25 years as a Navy swift boat captain in Vietnam. Just like in the old days, Kerry took the wheel while his loyal boatmates, now gray and weathered by the sands of time, vigilantly manned the boat's specially rigged water cannons. The tall, chiseled Kerry barked an order and the crew opened fire toward a couple of startled winos on the shore, who angrily tossed an empty bottle of Thunderbird in retalliation, nicking Kerry's arm.

"That's it for me!" Kerry shouted as he steered the taxi towards the dock. "I'm outta here!"

In a stirring tribute to the decorated war hero, crowds of democrat supporters greeted Kerry at the landing with giant wads of loogie and shouts of "baby killer". The tall senator hopped off the taxi, and after having his crewmates charged with war crimes, he proudly strode up the gangway arm-in-arm with Jane Fonda and tossed his medals into a dumpster.

"There is no threat," Kerry declared, repeating his 1972 campaign slogan. "The Communists are not about to take over our McDonald Hamburger stands.

In a reinactment of his own Vietnam service, Sen. John McCain was forced to watch a video recording of Kerry's speech while being symbollically beaten and tortured at a Hanoi McDonald's thousands of miles away.

Sen. Ted Kennedy, who humbly chose not to reinact his famous landing on the beaches of Chappaquiddick, hailed Kerry's bravery and promised to sober up enough for the convention's finale on Thursday.

Save Andrew Sullivan!

Andrew Sullivan regrets to report that if he doesn't receive enough donations to keep his blog afloat, Oscar Wilde will be calling him home. I encourage all my readers to sell their cars, sell their homes, do whatever it takes to prevent the certain Blogocalpyse that would ensue should the right-wing brownshirts succeed in silencing Sullivan's fresh, independent voice.

Alas, these are desperate times, folks. Sullivan's struggling. Air America is on the brink of collapse. Even the Duchess Arianna isn't fairing well. Poor dahlink had to hock her ex-husband's organs just to stay in business. I wouldn't be surprised if her underwear starts showing up on eBay, too. In fact, I can't wait!

On the home front, my own future in the blogosphere was dealt a serious blow by the news that I will have to upgrade to a more expensive TypePad package in order to meet rising bandwidth requirements. That's an extra $5 a month I won't be able to send to the Dennis Kucinich campaign. I'll probably have to get a second job just to stay stocked up in patchouli. Meanwhile, the wealthiest Americans continue to enjoy the highlife with my tax money.

Jimmy Carter Steals the Show

It was obvious from the very beginning that this was not your traditional Democratic National Convention. The traditional drenching of the Boy Scout color guard with spittle was scratched in favor of drenching a military color guard with spittle. The benediction from a lesbian clergyperson was replaced with one from a military chaplain, who was then drenched with spittle. Instead of booing through the Star Spangled Banner, the delegates recited the Pledge of Allegiance, actually uttered the obnoxious "Under God" part, and then drenched the flag with spittle. Overall, it looked remarkably like a Republican National Convention, only with spittle. The Democrat Party is apparently trying to project a more user-friendly, less slavering-maniac tone, and is in serious danger of alienating their core constituency.

However, I went ahead and watched the whole thing anyway. From the beginning, I was simply awestruck by how much love this nation has for Sen. John Kerry. All night long, through hours upon hours of speeches, not a single negative thing was said of him. Even Bill Clinton, a man of few words, had nothing but praise for the senator from Massachusetts.

And Hillary - woo, baby! She gets sexier every time I see her. Doesn't she look hot in yellow? It's very French. I only wish they had fixed that horrible, screeching feedback sound that drowned out her entire speech.

But the highlight of the evening was, without a doubt, former President James Earl Carter - the man who won the Cold War. Flinty, hawklike eyes of blue steel, Nobel Prize glinting in the spotlights, Carter reminded us how he brought down the Soviet Union by "combining the exercise of power with adherence to basic principles, based on sustained bipartisan support." Oooh...goosebumps. Jimmy Carter didn't take any guff from the Russkies, and the Kremlin trembles in its ushanka to this day.

The square-jawed Navy veteran from Georgia also took the opportunity to blast Shrub's incompetence in allowing North Korea to build a nuclear program with the nuclear reactors Carter gave them in return for the promise to not start a nuclear program. Had Iron Guts Carter been in charge, he would have put his foot down and demanded North Korea take some more nuclear reactors, and for God's not use them to build more nukes. Or else! Strength is born from wisdom and reason, not unilateralism and extremism.

As president, John Kerry will apply this same winning strategy to fighting terrorism. If Al Qaeda wants to fly planes into our buildings, then dammit, we'll give 'em planes and point 'em towards some buildings - in return for a solemn promise not to fly the planes into buildings. Like Carter, John Kerry is a seasoned hawk who won't back down from a fight. To those who claim that he is weak on national defense, that he'll pathetically fight terrorists for 4 months, give up after a couple superficial wounds, and then turn against our own troops, make no mistake: John Kerry will fight the War on Terror with all the courage and conviction he fought the Vietnam War with.

She is Woman, Hear Her Roar!

She's cheeky. She's blunt. She speaks her mind and she tells it like it is. She's Teresa Heinz-Kerry, and she doesn't take any guff from right-wing attack dogs who ask her questions!

Okay, so she lost her temper a little. So she lunged at a reporter and told him to "shove it". So her face split open to reveal a set of nasty, needle-sharp fangs, which she sank into his neck and ferociously sucked every last ounce of bloody from his body. So she angrily threw his lifeless husk at Wesley Snipes, scurried up the wall, crashed through a stained-glass window and was gone. So what? He was a right-wing hack working for a right-wing rag that prints everything Teresa says without first running it by her publicity agent. For the love of God, how are the Kerrys supposed to project an air of consistency when the conservative media keeps comparing what they say now with what they said two minutes ago? No wonder she's frustrated. I'm sure that under such opressive conditions, most Americans would hop on my big ol' bandwagon and say, YOU GO GRRRL!

Because it's all about civility, folks. AWOL moron Bush and Halliburton Cheney, with their constant personal attacks on the Kerrys, have dragged the level of national political discourse right into the gutter. That's why I'm looking forward to a Democratic National Convention filled with positive messages of hope, free from hatemongering bile vomitted from Ann Coulter's nazi bitch mouth.

Liberal Larry's Fair Trade Fire Sale Extravaganza!

This Fair Trade Gift Shop idea doesn't seem to be catching on. I checked my CafePress account today expecting to see thousands of dollars in receipts, only to find the BIG BLACK DONUT staring back at me. There hasn't been one single purchase since we opened for business two weeks ago! Apparently, my readers don't fully appreciate the beauty of the Fair Trade system. Apparently, I was mistaken when I assumed you guys were open-minded, enlightened liberals who cared about the environment and starving inner-city children. Sure, I understand that some of the items may seem somewhat pricey, but true progressives wouldn't hesitate to pay a little extra for shoddy merchandise just so some poor working schmuck can make a Living Wage.

But that's okay. No sweat. The beauty of the system is that when funds are low, there are always other ways to keep the whole shebang from collapsing in upon itself. Unfortunately, there are no rich people to bleed, and forced labor camps are out of the question. So if this Struggle of ours is to succeed, I may have to resort to more drastic measures.

Perhaps a "sale" event?

Ah, yes! A Fair Trade Fire Sale Extravaganza! It's brilliant!

Of course, a conventional sale would cause unfair competition and grease the wheels of capitalism with the blood of the proletariat. I refuse to take the same path of greedy mega-corporations who exploit the working class for their own profit. So for a limited time, all items in Liberal Larry's Fair Trade Gift Shop will be marked UP to a very special $199. I repeat: this only for a limited time, so hurry and get your BlameBush paraphenalia before prices go back down and some elderly person dies because they can't afford prescription medicine.

I've also added a couple new items to appeal to any right-wing jingoists who read this blog.

So open your minds and your wallets, and remember...it's all for the children.