BlameBush!

Behold, Hillary's Tax Plan of Love

Sen. Hillary Rodham Clinton isn't just super smart and incredibly sexy, she also loves us with all her heart. That's why she's announced that when Democrats regain their rightful place as rulers over all living things, she'll be dipping into our bank accounts and taking away a few little pennies for our own good.

What a breath of fresh air! For four long years, I've had to suffer the cruel indignity of paying less taxes while working families starve in the gutter. No more! As future Washington Governor Ron Sims says, the time is RIGHT. People are sick of tax cuts and are just itching to bend over and grab their ankles for the common good.

Except, of course, for selfish repugs. I've already seen them ranting and raving around the blogosphere, calling Hillary a "socialist" and commie c*nt" simply because she wants to take wealth from those who have a surplus of it and give it to the needy. In my book, that's called "compassion", not "communism". Still, the so-called "compassionate conservatives" who claim to be "Christians" aren't going to sit still and let Hillary rifle through their pockets.

No worries; your Democrat Party has that covered. Being a "Big Tent" and all, the DNC has been employing felons to Get Out the Vote. When Hillary takes over, she'll combine this wonderful new "Second Chance" program with her revolutionary tax plan and have felons serve as tax collectors. We'll send them around to all the wealthy neighborhoods with moving trucks. Don't like it, Richie Rich? Well, suck it up. You can live without your hi-definition TV with theater surround, but a hungry child can't go without food. Stop being so materialistic.

Of course, rich people can spot a tax loophole clearer than Roma Downey's urine. Unfortunately for them, Hillary has that covered, too. Roving bands of tax collectors will be unleashed to implement surprise tax audits on unsuspecting shops and restaurants. You say business is slow and you can't afford to pay your taxes this week? Well, IRS field agent Tony "Blowtorch" Spanelli thinks you should take a look at your books again. If you still can't find it in your heart to cough up a few measly c-notes so working mothers can have free job training, then perhaps a can of gasoline and a box of matches will help you see the light.

The most important of all tax collectors will be the guys who meet you in a dark alley to insure that you pay your fair share. Waking up in a dumpster with your shoes gone and your pockets turned inside-out might sting a little the first time - but your suffering is nothing compared to that of the senior citizen who can't afford health care, or the lesbian soccer mom with nine kids and a bad case of chlamydia, or the unwed pregnant circus dwarf who hangs herself from her sock drawer 'cause if there's one thing that she don't need it's another hungry mouth to feed in the ghetto.

So remember: when the government takes your money, it does so out of LOVE - and nothing says "I Love You" like a shiv in the liver.

Bush Pulls a Fast One

Michael Moore's Fahrenheit 9/11 has so terrified Bush, that he's handed over sovereignty to Iraq two days early. Once the film starts showing in Baghdad theaters, the Iraqi people will suddenly realize that we "liberated" them from Saddam for no good reason and run Halliburton out of their country with torches and pitchforks. Bush has no choice but to push the transfer through now, fill up his oil tankers, and run like the wind.

However, this reckless, unsanctioned-by-the-French rush to sovereignty will be Shrub's ultimate undoing.

Imagine, if you will, that Ben Franklin had decided to secretly convene the first Continental Congress a couple days ahead of schedule. John Adams would still be snowbound in Massachusetts, Thomas Jefferson would be caught with his pants down at Monticello, and James Madison would be back at the pie factory with Dolly. Generalismo Washington, a power-hungry madman, would surely have installed a fascist dictatorship and ruled the colonies with an iron fist. Women would have no Right to Choose. There'd be no Wall Between Church & State. The Boy Scouts would be ripe with heterosexuals. Skip Stephenson would still be alive and walking the earth and that Living, Breathing Constitution Al Gore discovered in clay jars would never even exist. All because one man chose to defy international law and install a puppet regime.

For their new government to be legitimate, all Iraqis must have a voice in its construction - not just the ones Bush has bought off. If modern day Paul Reveres like Sheik Al Sadr and Weird Al Zarqawi are denied the right to participate in this so-called "democracy" of Bush's, then it can never be a government of the people, by the people, and for the people.

Review: Fahrenheit 9/11

I slowly circled the theatre three or four times, keeping an eye out for any skinheads or CIA agents who might try to prevent me from seeing the film. For weeks, I had been filled with anticipation for this day, and now it had finally come. I wasn't about to let Ashcroft or his jackboots keep me or anyone else from knowing the Truth.

When I was certain that the coast was clear, I parked my car and strutted towards the entrance.

Suddenly, a huge black shape swooped down at me out of nowhere and clawed angrily at my hair. 10,000 years of sheer primal instinct overtook me, and I threw myself to the ground and screamed like a girl.

"CAW! CAW!" the beast roared as it flew up into a nearby tree and perched on a branch, where it glared menacingly at me with one glistening, black eye.

It was a crow - a goddamn trash-eating crow!

"WHO SENT YOU?" I shouted at it. "WHAT DARK LORD DO YOU CALL MASTER?"

"CAW! CAW!" the evil bird replied with a flap of its wings. "CAAAAw!"

The theatre entrance was only a few yards away - I could see a throng of 5 or 6 people already waiting in line at the ticket window. Throwing caution to the wind, I sprung to my feet and made a run for it.

"YOU CAN'T STOP ME FROM SEEING THE FILM, BUSH!" I yelled as I sprinted across the lot, the feathery demon breathing right down my neck.

"CAW CAaaaawWW!"

With my last ounce of strength, I dove under the protection of the metal theatre marquee and watched triumphantly as Bush's evil minion let out final squawk of frustration and flew off.

Ten minutes later I was seated in the theatre, jumbo bucket of popcorn in hand. I was surprised at how empty the seats were - perhaps thirteen people were in attendance. Sure, it was an early showing, but I was inclined to believe that Bush's twisted scare tactics were to blame. I only hope that Moore doesn't take too huge of a financial loss.

The house lights dimmed, causing me to jump with a start. This was Bush's final chance - his last opportunity to keep the remaining masses from seeing the most dangerous threat to his re-election. He'd thrown so many roadblocks into Michael Moore's way over the past few months - from refusing to distribute the film, to ordering it rated R so little kids would never learn the Truth - and of course, the thing with the birds. But alas, the curtains were now opening and all was lost for Geedumbya's Dissent-Crushing Gestapo. Still, I wouldn't put it past him to send in the death squads and wipe everyone out just as the film was starting to roll. I sank down in my seat and became as small a target as possible.

For all it's hype, the movie starts out somewhat slow and confusing. Michael Moore is being chased across what is either an ice planet or Flint, Michigan in wintertime, by Ashcroft's brutal dissent-crushing thugs. I might add that Moore is looking fantastic. Gone are his trademark undulating rolls of fat, to be replaced by a hard, svelte physique that makes the Governator look like a 98-pound weakling. Moore's obviously been working out, and he kicks major neocon ass through the whole film. There's something weird going on with his eyes, though. I've never been one for the vanity of colored contacts, let alone the glow-in-the-dark style Mike is sporting. Yet symbolically, they fit him to a "T". After all, he's a man with vision, who can see through the cold darkness of Bushie lies and right into the heart of pure Truth.

After making short order of the goons and stealing their spaceship, Moore takes his camera to Iraq, where Bush's junta already has a hegemonic stranglehold on the innocent, befuddled populace. Seeking to impose a fascist theocracy upon all human life, Bush moves from nation-state to nation-state, ordering all to either convert or die. "You're either with us, or against us!" Bush proclaims as he rips the very soul out of one plucky ACLU lawyer who dares question him.

Shrub's show of cowboy machismo doesn't phase Michael Moore, who flexes his muscles and growls "I wanna piece of YOU!" to one of Dubya's subordinates. The audience is then treated to a very thrilling knife fight that ends with a neocon lying dead at Moore's feet.

The seven hits of acid I dropped back in '86 must have made a return engagement right about then, because things got a little fuzzy. There was a terrific scene where Bush tries to sneak Bin Laden's family off their fiery homeworld before the sun can come up burn all his oil. The esteemed Rep. Jim McDermott appears with a huge bong strapped to his head and can only make unintelligible gurgling sounds, but it only reminds us of why we love him so. There's a few more knife fights, a couple of giant man-eating poodles, and then Moore is back in Iraq sticking it to Dumbya again.

"I wanna piece of YOU!" he roars at the Shrub, who resorts to all sorts of right-wing trickery to evade Moore's mighty wrath. A knife fight ensues, and Moore plunges his righteous pigsticker into Bush's neck, putting him and the entire galaxy out of their misery. Moore slumps into the president's chair at the oval office, exhausted, as Paul Wolfowitz kneels before him and utters the words: "You keep what you kill".

And that's essentially what Bush's whole immoral War on Iraq is about, isn't it? Killing as many innocent women and children as possible for the sole purpose of stealing Iraq's oil and filling Cheney's Halliburton pockets - while wearing some really goofy hats in the process.

Many critics accuse Moore of being "loosey-goosey" with the facts, but I strongly disagree. Fahrenheit 9/11 is not only an accurate account of the events following the 9/11 attacks, but a historical record of Bush's imperialist "crusade" to conquer the world and enslave us all.

Three thumbs up.

Hate Mail o' Plenty!

My first death threat! Well, it's not exactly directed towards me, but rather towards pee-Resident Bush. I think the author of the letter may have become confused by the photo of Dumbya at the top of the page, and actually thought Bush was writing this blog. Anyway, I censored the actual threat because I don't want Herr Ashcroft banging down my door:

"its not your place to be there bush get the fuck out,right from when you cunts said we want a free world when you killed 90% of the indians and stole their land and dictaited where they lived.you are as bad as your father he to wanted nothing more than to kill people.infact if i myself had the chance i would *spank my monkey* and that shit head is a promise. all in all let the marines come home and live .its people like you that cause wars" - gavin cabral, new zealand

Ah, the miracle of household cleansers! They not only keep the kitchen clean, but their fumes are conducive to clear thinking. I got a good whiff of some lemon-fresh Pledge last week and my socks told me a thing or two about Bush's evil plans! They also told me that punctuation is a Zionist plot to hypnotize us into joining the hive mind!

Thank you for your lovely e-mail, Gavin. While I cannot condone the content of your letter, I can certainly understand your anger.

Here's one from Robb Porter of North Carolina (Jesse Helms terror-tory):

"You are building large volume of hateful opinion, based on unfounded suspicions and sheer blind hatred.  Shame on you.  What kind of a name is Chomstein, anyway?  Do you really want to live in a country that adopts all that you advocate?  Better think that over.  Are you kin to Noam Chomsky?"

HATE HATE HATE! That's all your right-wing hatemongering haters know how to do! You "compassionate conservatives" aren't happy unless you're spewing your vile hatred out of your hateful mouths at everything that moves! Where's the civility? Where's the bipartisanship? Well don't poison my blog with your HATE, hatemonger! Take your hate-speech to your next Klan rally and leave us gentle pacifists alone!

Bush Ruined My Sex Life

Last night, I swung by the home of my significant other, Ashley "Peaceblossom" Phelps, who may or not be a member of the transgendered community.

"I'm here to pah-tay," I said when she opened the door, "with your boo-taaaay!"

"Pee Ewwww!" she replied, her face scrunching up with disgust. "What's that stench? Is that YOU?"

"I CAN'T HELP IT!" I cried. "THIS DAMNED GLOBAL WARMING'S GOT ME SWEATING LIKE A PIG! I'VE GONE THROUGH 14 JARS OF PATCHOULI IN TWO DAYS!!!"

The past few weeks have been unbelievable hot, indeed. Ever since Bush refused to sign the Kyoto accords, I've noticed a dramatic change in the weather. Starting right around the month of March and April, the mercury slowly rises higher and higher, right through July when the heat is unbearable and my own cats won't even come near me. Then just as mysteriously, the thermometer begins to drop around September, continuing to decline well into January until the whole region is covered in a thick frost. These bizarre fluctuations in temperatures lends credence to the consensus among French scientists that we're just one generation away from either a second ice age or solar incineration unless we sign our economy over to the U.N.

But try to explain that to Ashley. All she wants to do is stand there, holding her nose, screaming: "GET AWAY GET AWAY GET AWAY!"

So thanks, Shrub, for depriving me of yet another one of life's little pleasures.

Bush Shuts Out Kerry

Sen. John Kerry chose to suspend a day of campaigning to cast a congressional vote in favor of a veteran's health care bill yesterday, but was met with Republican obstructionism at every turn. Expressing shock and outrage at having been shut out of our sacred democracy, Kerry blasted Bush for being "The Greatest Divider" and "A Big, Doody-Face Meanie".

"These people are so petty, so sad, so political, that all they could do is spend the whole day finding a way not to let John Kerry vote," he complained to his personal manicurist aboard his private jet.

As congress was scheduled to meet, Kerry circled his bicycle around the capitol building several times before he was able to find an available bike rack. Unfortunately, it was by the servant's entrance. Kerry had to walk all the way around to the front of the building, exhausting the supply of rose petals his aides reverently laid at his feet. During the long walk, he was verbally accosted by a gang of "street hooligans" who laughed at his riding outfit and called him a "sissy boy in tights." But this was only a taste of the obstructionist right-wing hatred Kerry would fall prey to that day.

Upon finally arriving at the Capitol's main entrance, Kerry was forced to wait for fifteen minutes, watching people walk in and out of the building, before someone of sufficient social rank stopped to hold the door open for him. The large entourage of TV cameras and assorted press that Kerry brought along to record the historical event were not only barred admittance by Capitol Security, but several members of congress failed to even acknowledge it was a "historical event". Obviously on orders from Bush, a group of Republican senators standing in the Capitol Rotunda blatantly refused to genuflect as Kerry walked by - a sign of not only the extreme partisan atmosphere prevalent in Washington, but a bitter reminder of the disdain Kerry received from the political right upon his return from Vietnam.

"I came back to a nation that was indifferent, if not divided over that, certainly indifferent about the role of the soldiers who were quickly cast aside as America confused the war with the warriors, something that I would never, ever commit again," Kerry told a crowd of supporters later that day. "That's why I've decided to be proud of my service this election cycle."

Adding insult to injury, senate Republicans flatly refused to cancel their weekly prayer meeting to pay homage to Kerry, or adhere to the day's schedule Kerry had thoughtfully typed out on embossed paper and distributed among the members of Congress.

"I saw Bill Frist making paper airplanes with it!" Senate Democrat leader Tom Daschle shouted from behind the congressional film projector.

"Once again, it's my way or the highway," Kerry fumed. "Shut the door, lock the people out, don't let them take part in the democracy, don't respect the institution. Don't show the common courtesies that actually bring people together to find the common ground...that's the game they play!"

By the time congress was ready to vote on the measure, Sen. Kennedy had already cleaned out the Congressional Liqour Cabinet and mistakingly thought he was filibustering another Bush judiciary appointee. Sadly, John Kerry never got his chance to cast his historical vote and make veterans stop hating his guts.

A frustrated Kerry was forced to spend the remainder of the day at million-dollar fundraisers.

Oops, Bush Did it Again!

After condemning three innocent civilians to death by decapitation with his Immoral War for Oil, Shrub has now set is sights on pop idol Britney Spears. An outspoken supporter of Bush, Spears has nonetheless become the target of a vicious right-wing vendetta - an orchestrated campaign to destroy her character and drive her to the brink of a nervous breakdown.

But why?

We've seen it all before. The Dixie Chicks. Valerie Plame. Once world famous superstars at the height of their careers, they suddenly find themselves ruined and penniless. This is the price one pays for crossing a fascist administration that will not tolerate dissent and silences all opposition.

The source of Spears' woes, however, can be traced back to her whirlwind Las Vegas marriage to her childhood sweetheart, and her whirlwind Las Vegas divorce ten minutes later. Gay activists transformed the event into a clever weapon against Christian extremists who ignorantly claim that same-sex unions are a "disgrace to the sanctity of marriage."

Ellen Goodman of the Washington Post writes:

"As for the idea that same-sex marriage somehow disparages heterosexual marriage? We can put that to rest. Who needs gay couples when you have Britney and Jason?"

Rep. Han Scoggins-Waite, a Kansas Democrat concurred:

It is not right that Britney Spears can hop in and out of as many marriages as she wants, but my son, who is a tax-paying, talented, kind and charitable person, cannot get married.

Even Gay Conservative blogger Andrew "I'm Gay" Sullivan, who is gay, got into the act:

"We live a world in which Britney Spears just engaged in something 'sacred' (in the president's words)...and where a decades-long monogamous lesbian marriage is a threat to civilization as we know it. Did I mention I'm gay?"

So inadvertently, Spears has done more to destroy the archaic Christian institution of marriage in ONE NIGHT than gays could in over 600 years of trying. For a born-again bigot like Bush, this is unforgiveable. Britney's innocent, sisterly kiss with Aunt Esther was the icing on the cake, and the Fourth Reich simply had to bring her down.

Last week, Spears suffered a mysterious knee injury that has "George W. Gilooly" written all over it. She subsequently cancelled her tour at a loss of millions, and was just yesterday seen wandering aimlessly around a Santa Monica parking lot, hair in disarray, crying hysterically and mumbling something about puppies.

One more bright, twinkling star snuffed out in her prime by Der Fuhrer Dumbya - and it looks like he already has another victim all lined up.

Goosesteppin' Dana Finally Delivers

Slow but sure, reich-winger Dana and husband Mike have once again selfishly added to the incredible burden on our environment thanks to overpopulation.

Thomas Nelson Gunderloy was born June 21 at 11:53 am, thus damning another few thousand acres of tropical rainforest to the axe.

Dana's a good kid, and I'd hate to rub salt on her womb - but with her strong anti-choice views, she pretty much had this pregnancy thing coming. Despite decades of hard-fought feminist progress, she brought a child into this horrible, dying world and now must sacrifice her life and career in order to care for it.

That, my friends, is what we call KARMA.

Kucinich RISING!

The media is speculating that John Kerry is mere days, if not hours, away from choosing his vice presidential running mate. The list of potentials has narrowed since the traitorous John McCain sold out and started stumping for the enemy, but the DNC desperately wants pretty-boy John "Dimples" Edwards to get onto the ticket. He'll make the menopausal soccer moms all giddy and wet, that's for sure - but they typically vote democrat ANYWAY.

With the pundits already predicting another tight race, we can't afford to have Bush's SCOTUS pals stealing another election. We need to attract enough NEW sheep into our Big Tent to insure a substantial win. Can Edwards take up Howard Dean's mantle and energize the independent, fringe, borderline insane voters enough to make them drop their bongs and run to the polls in November?

Dennis Kucinich can. As a man who speaks their language, Kuze will reach out to the cream of the New Left- folks who are usually too stoned or institutionalized to make it to the voting booths - and bring them into the fold. Like the Timothy Leary of the 21st century, he will appeal to the social pariahs, paranoid schizophrenics, and interdimensional travellers who, despite brief periods of LSD-induced incoherency, still retain the necessary motor skills to punch a ballot. Along with these liberal free-thinkers, Kuze has built a legion of devoted followers by subliminally interlacing his TV spots with screen caps of a nude Seven-In-Nine. By bringing these fresh new minds into the Party mainstream, Kucinich will tip the balance in favor of Kerry.

Some might worry that Kuze's slightly left-of-center views will contrast with Kerry's hawkish, yet moderate platform. But I'm confident that their diversities will serve to strengthen the ticket rather than harm it. Kerry will tear Bush to shreds during the upcoming presidential debates, but it will be Kuze, not Edwards, who will be able to answer all the Dr. Who related questions before the buzzer.

So the next time you're downtown and pass that crazy guy screaming at cars about machine elves and Leeza Gibbons, take a long look at the "Kucinich in '04" sign duct-taped to his backpack. Those in the right-wing media who prematurely wrote Dennis Kucinich off would be wise to think again. After a brief hiatus, Kuze is now ready to rise from the political ashes like the phoenix of old and lead the democrat party to victory - in this dimension and beyond!

Time for A Federal Maximum Wage?

In a bold new move to persuade blue collar voters that he's a Blue Collar Joe, future president John F. Kerry called for raising the federal minimum wage to $7.00 by 2007.

"If a president can go out and fight for four years to provide over a trillion in tax cuts to the wealthiest people in America," Kerry said, "we can fight for a few months to raise the minimum wage for the poorest people in America."

It's a great idea, and I'm sure the starving, emaciated, poor people are already looking forward to eating in three years. But why only 7 bucks, John? Cable TV bills are skyrocketing, and DVD's run at least twenty dollars a pop nowadays. I'm a big Kerry fan, but sometimes his timidity annoys me. He needs to go for the gold, reach for that proverbial brass ring! If the minimum wage needs to be raised in order to stave off mass starvation, then something around $20 an hour is a more realistic figure.

Of course, whenever we progressive liberals suggest raising the minimum wage one penny, the "compassionate conservatives" scream and wail about inflation and unemployment, and the rich fatcats threaten to lay people off. Perhaps paying their employees living wages wouldn't be such an impossible task if they'd stopped sucking up the entire wage pool themselves. In my company, the janitor makes $7.12 an hour, but the owner of the company is a millionaire. Is that fair? Is that what the Founding Fathers intended?

Not according to Ralph Nader: "Earlier this year Bill Gates’ wealth was equal to the combined wealth of the poorest 120 million Americans. Whatever this enormous imbalance says about the Great software imitator from Redmond, Washington, it means that about tens of millions of Americans, who work year after year, decade after decade, are nearly broke. What democracy worth its salt would have led to this profound inequity?"

Thomas Jefferson often complained to his slaves about that very same thing. The gap between rich and poor is wider than ever, and it's because the rich people have all the money. Today, that concentration of wealth and its political power has reached such obscene proportions that people are now earning $1 for every $416 that the CEO gets.

FDR ended the First Great Depression by blessing us with a federal minium wage. Perhaps a federal maximum wage is an idea whose time has come, too. If the minimum wage were set to $20 an hour, and the maximum wage as well, there would no longer be any disparity of incomes between working Americans and CEOS (who are neither working, nor Americans).

Imagine an America where the busboy earned the same income as the computer programmer, where the janitor made the same as the neurosurgeon. The gap between rich and poor would cease to exist, as would the very class system itself. There'd be no more competition, and everyone would live together in peace and friendship. Of course, some goldbrickers might see the new wage equality as an excuse to slack off. Why strive to improve when you'll always make the same amount? Why worry about getting fired from your lucrative software programmer's job when you can work at McDonald's for the exact same salary? Why is the company janitor sawing open my skull?

Waaaa Waaaa Waaaaa!!! Maybe you should stop being so selfish and think of someone else besides yourself for a change!