When I first heard the ghastly news of the decapitation of an American citizen in Iraq, I was outraged. How could Bush do such a thing? Why hasn't Rumsfeld resigned yet? Why in the world did they give Amber the million when all she did was sit on Boston Rob's lap the whole season? And why was an Alsatian in a top hat drilling on my molar?
"Need a little more gas there, Lar'?" the large dog asked.
"...Fascist...Alsatian!" I slurred.
"Right then," he replied. "More gas it is!"
*WHOOOOOOOSH*
Two hours later, I was standing in front of the Downtown Seattle Medical & Dental Building, the events of this day racing through my mind like technicolor squirrels on an electric frisbee. An innocent man had been brutally murdered in Iraq, sure. But how many innocent Iraqis have we raped and murdered in that American Dachau? I wouldn't it past Hitler Bush to stage the whole decapitation just to draw attention away from thre Abu Ghraib photos and make Al Qaeda look like the bad guys.
Stiill, I'm an open-minded, free-thinking individual. I decided to reserve judgment until I heard what the Arab Street had to say, and then base my opinion around that.
As coincidence would have it, I was swatting at giant bats just as a cab pulled to the curb, and a olive-skinned, bearded man in a purple turban poked his head out.
"You need a ride? I will take you," he told me in a thickly accented voice.
I hopped into into the back seat. This would be the perfect opportunity for me to find out what the word on the Arab Street was.
"Where do you go today?" the turbaned cabbie ask me through the rear-view mirror.
"Thshssh shhsphhhaaaa," I slurred.
"Capitol Hill? No problem."
The car sped east, we rode in silence as I tried to find a way to pose a question without offending him. I finally decided to just come right out and ask his opinion about the decapitation.
"Saaaaay..Whash da shtink ashthd thsh decapioshashun thshtyhh?"
The cabbie wiped the spittle off the back of his neck and thought a moment before replying. "Oh yes, the Mariners do indeed stink most incredibly this season," he said. Their bullpen stinks. Their batting stinks. Even Ichiro cannot save their posterior regions, I am most afraid."
Obviously, there was a language barrier here. I tried rephrasing the question.
"Tish deshapcayshun thbdd shrory on thsh noosh..."
"Buddy Hackett!" the cabbie interrupted with a gleeful shout. "Oh, I do love Buddy Hackett! A very funny man! A VERY funny man!"
I sighed with exasperation. I had better luck talking to the Alsatian. At this rate, I'd have to wait until Ted Kennedy issued a statement before I'd know what the word on the Arab Street was.
But just as I was about to call it quits, the driver surprised me by
"Have you heard about the decapitation of that poor American man today?" he asked. "'Religion of Peace', my ass! If George Bush had any sense, he'd kill every last one of them. This "hearts and minds" bullshit is only getting our troops killed. How can you win the hearts and minds of people who have neither?"
"Uhhh..."
"You think it was an evil act when they burned Americans and hung them from that bridge?" the cabbie raved on. Muslims burned whole families of my people. We tried befriending them, coexisting with them. Look what it got us! I can't even go back to the home of my ancestors now without being slaughtered like a pig. So I bring my family here to this wonderful land where my children can grow up safe, healthy, and FREE. The only think I have to worry about are idiot jackasses who think I'm an Arab just because I have dark skin and a turban."
I stepped out of the cab at Broadway & Pine, satisfied that I had gotten whay I was looking more - the true word from Arab Street: Rumsfeld must resign, before more innocent Alsatians die.
"At this rate, I'd have to wait until Ted Kennedy issued a statement before I'd know what the word on the Arab Street was."
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! BRILLIANT! LMFAO!
Posted by: Bitter | May 12, 2004 at 06:45 AM