BlameBush!

Happy New Fears

Everybody have a Happy New Fears and go about your business as usual. Never mind that little red laser dot on your chest - that's just Tom "Jackboot" Ridge flying overhead in his helicopter gunship, makin' sure you're safe from crazy, gun-totin' militants. So feel free to go out, get drunk, hop behind the wheel of your fancy SUV, and plow into a telephone pole at 85 miles an hour knowing that your Big Brother at Homeland Security is watching over you.

Me, I'll be spending the holiday as I do every year - naked in my basement, furiously scraping the insides of my thighs with a cheesegrater to protest 5000 years of imperialist, white male hegemony.

Bush Bans Life-Nourishing Ephedra

Bush stabbed America in the back again today by banning the life-nourishing dietary supplement, Ephedra. For years, Ephedra has been the only recourse for people who cannot lose weight through conventional methods. Without the help of Ephedra, many will be forced to reduce their calorie intake, or even worse, exercise.

Now, it's all becoming as clear as Roma Downey's urine, isn't it? First, Bush causes the Mad Cow scare, destroying our beef industry, and giving followers of the Atkins Diet no recourse but to pop Ephedra to lose weight. Then Bush bans Ephedra. All this in the wake of a recent study showing that more Americans are obese than ever. See how it all ties together? Why, I wouldn't be surprised if Richard Simmons meets with a bizarre "accident" in the near future.

The truth, plain and simple, is that Bush is fattening us up. But for what? A look at opensecrets.org reveals that the CEOs of Bally Total Fitness and Gold's Gym gave a combined total of $200 to Republican candidates in the last election cycle. Stranger still - GOP strongman and recently elected California gubinator Arnold Schwarzeneggar was appointed Grand Poobah of Fitness by Pappy Bush in 1989. Perhaps Bush is not the puppet of Big Oil after all, but of Big Fitness. The fatter we get, the richer the fitness clubs get, and the more money Bush has to create a master race of Holy Christian Uber-warriors.

Bush Causes Iran Earthquake

Since we were forced to take the unconstitutional "Christ-Mass" day off and barred entrance to our places of employment, some of my ol' human shield buddies and I protested by getting naked, assuming the lotus position, and jabbing forks into our thighs in front of the Washington State Capitol Building. When the snow began to fall around 3 pm, we were in the midst of a deep discussion as to how Bush caused the Mad Cow scare by not immediately banning all nationwide beef production when the disease swept through Great Britain. Suddenly, the conversation turned to the Iran earthquake, and how Bush tied into it.

"Indeed, all the intense bombing in Afghanistan and Iraq can quite possibly have an adverse effect on the teutonic plates," submitted my friend Travis, who studied Erotic Seismology at UC Berkeley. "But was that Bush's plan all along?"

"Indeed," I replied. "Bush has caused some horrible natural disaster thanks to his refusal to ratify Kyoto. But let's not forget the huge disaster relief package he just sent to Iran. This suggests that the earthquakes, if he did create them, were unintentional."

"Indeed," interjected Walter, Travis's life partner. "But perhaps Bush's plan is to fatten the Iranians up so they'll be easier to vanquish. The European invaders, many of which were Teutons, did the same thing to Native Americans."

"Indeed," I agreed, stabbing my thigh for effect. "Which explains Bush's sabotage of the martian probe."

About this time, three uniformed fascists infringed on our fourth amendment right to peacefully assemble, and demanded we cease and desist our patriotic display of dissent.

"Ya'll are gonna hafta putcher clothes on and git, or we're gonna run ya'll in," demanded the redneck in charge.

We'll, I was more than ready to tell that flatfoot a thing or two, but Travis's grandmother is 1/4" African American, and we didn't want him to get beat up or shot on account of his race. So we cut our protest short and headed for Starbuck's, where we drank quadruple eggnog lattes and toasted the opressed Martian peoples until they closed the place down.

UPDATE: Travis just emailed me with a correction. According to him, his grandmother is not a 1/4" African American, but 1/4 blood African American. I'll take his word for it, but he sure doesn't look black.

Chalk One Up for the Little Guy

Fantastic news...my company has just cancelled its annual Winter Party, due to protests from concerned employees that it represents a corporate endorsement of religion. It seems that while the suits were positive they had stripped the celebration of all religious symbolism, someone managed to smuggle in a plate of "Christmas cookies" this morning and leave them in the break room. Several of us progressive, secular employees felt that the tree-shaped cookies created a hostile work environment and inflicted an "atmosphere of exclusion" upon those who do not celebrate Christmas. In a panic, the bosses desperately tried to save their hides by tossing the cookies out, but it was too late, the damage had already been done and people had been opressed. I called the ACLU, who had a team of lawyers on the site in about 20 minutes - pro bono. A couple of heartbeats after their arrival, it was announced over the PA that the Winter Party had been cancelled.

So you see, every once in a while the little guy triumphs over the corporate goliath. I haven't been this proud of myself since I won a campaign to provide a company prayer room for our muslim employees.

B.J. Honeycutt, Man of the People

I still say the perfect running mate for Howard Dean would be Captain B.J. Honeycutt from MASH. He's a strident and outspoken critic of Bush's unholy War for Oil and, like many Hollywood celebrities, has a deep insight into world affairs.

Let's look at his background: He's the Vice President of the Screen Actors Guild, so he already has a grasp on the job. He'd be perfect to help resolve the North Korean situation, having starred on a television show taped in a part of California that resembles Korea. He played an army surgeon, so I am sure he has valuable input concerning our health care system. He also starred as Enron CEO Kenneth Lay in the CBS miniseries "The Crooked E", so he knows first hand about the evils of corporate greed. We must also take into consideration that a man who can handle both Frank Burns AND Colonel Flagg can sure as heck handle the War on Terror.

Best of all, he writes in short, simple sentences the average American can understand...

"Abroad, brutes replace brutes. At home, fear congeals, rights die. Jingo redefines patriot. Speech becomes dangerous: 'Watch what you say.' The cliché that a chance to vote on it means Americans would repeal the Bill of Rights is tested; fearful, we fail."

B.J. Honeycutt. To lead the nation, what it takes, he has. Onward to a new era. Peace. Prosperity. Hilarious hijinx. Patience, my young Jedi.

France Disarms Libya

Libyan leader Moammar Khaddafi, a man of peace and vision, has suddenly decided to give up his Weapons of Mass Destruction. His decision was made of his own free will, and without any threats or provocation from the west. Rather, it was a desire to be part of the "International Community" of France and Germany that persuaded him.

So I guess France was right! If you simply be nice to dictators, they'll be more than happy to be your friend.

The Chickenhawk at Kitty Hawk

The ceremony to celebrate the anniversary of the Wright brother's first flight was marked by the conspicuous absence of the Wright brothers themselves. You'd think the guests of honor would show up at their own party, but they undoubtedly skipped it in protest of Bush's illegal war. Not to be denied his divine right to hog all the glory, Bush gave his speech anyway. He called "John Travolta" a "Moonbat", referred to jet pilot Chuck Yeager as "The Yaegermeister", and generally insulted everyone within earshot.

The highlight of the event was when Bush attempted to fly a replica of the Wright Brothers' famous plane, the Enola Goose, and managed to crash it into a box of puppies, killing 7 and wounding 3, before he hopped into a presidential limo and fled the scene.

It's a good thing the Wrights were a no show - they were spared the shame and humilation of seeing their invention ruined by a stuttering shrub.

UPDATE
My girlfriend just told me that the Wright Brothers didn't show up because they are DEAD. Funny how people who interfere with Bush's plans tend to assume room temperature. Add two more names to Dubya's list of victims.

Rep. Jim McDermott, Man of the People

The two greatest things about living in the Pacific Northwest are:

1) The abundance of urine-filled plastic jugs lining the highways, and

2) Congressman Jim McDermott.

Jim has never been afraid to tell it like it is, and his recent revelations concerning the arrest of "Saddam Hussein" are no exception.

Smelling a lie like a fart in a car, Jim has called Bush on the timing of this whole staged Saddam capture.

"There's too much by happenstance for it to be just a coincidental thing." McDermott said. "It's funny, when they're having all this trouble, suddenly they have to roll out something."

Now, simplistic people without the cognitive skills of a liberal would expect that if Bush were to stage a Saddam capture for political juice, he'd do it closer to the November 2004. But McDermott, a doctor of psychiatry, knows that Bush knows that the American people are increasingly cynical about October Surprises, and would question the authenticity of a Saddam capture if it came on the eve of the elections. It would be way too obvious if they pulled "Saddam" out of that spider hole next October, and it might even work against Bush. So Dubya orders the phony production to take place in December of 2003 when the Secretary of State is conveniently out of the loop, and long enough before the election to quell any suspicions concerning its authenticity.

Luckily, America has a man in Congress who can see through such evil schemes. Rep. Jim McDermott, a man who bravely travelled to Iraq to negotiate a surrender to Saddam and prevent a long, bloody, quagmire of a war. A man who, despite having never served in Vietnam, is still PROUD to call himself a "Vietnam Veteran". And most importantly, Jim McDermott is a man ready, willing, and able to serve as Howard Dean's vice presidential running mate in 2004.

Saddam Capture Staged!

I've been floating a theory around the chat boards and I think I might be onto something. As I stated in a previous blog, the person captured by U.S. troops yesterday was obviously not Saddam Hussein. I've been to Iraq, and I've seen all the wonderful paintings, statues, and murals of the Imperious Leader, and the individual they dragged out of the hole does not resemble him in any way. Saddam was always impreccably dressed and groomed - this person looks like the homeless person who pees in the alley behind my condo.

So if he's not Saddam, then who is he? Yesterday, I half-jokingly suggested that he might be grizzled character actor, Jack Elam. However, I was surprised to learn that Elam passed away last October - just a week after Rush Limbaugh admitted to an addiction to painkillers and went into rehab, and six months to day after Bush declared an end to combat operations in Iraq while standing in front of a big "Mission Accomplished" Banner.

This posed a dilemma: If Elam died in October, then how in heaven did he show up alive in Iraq?

At first, I suspected that Jim Henson, in concert with Disney, created a sort of animatronic muppet that looked like Jack Elam disguised as Saddam. I was puzzled to learn that Henson had died several years ago, and was unavailable to work on any new projects. At last, I had reached a dead end in my pursuit of the truth.

Then this news hit the papers: New Jersey to Permit Human Cloning That's right, NEW JERSEY, right across the river from New York, home of Sesame Street, and where Henson died from a mysterious bacterial infection. New York is also where John Lennon was shot in 1980.

Do you see where I'm heading? If you're a conservative, I doubt you do. This sort of theory takes a college education to understand.

I'll spell it out for you: George Bush had Jim Henson cloned, so he could create an electronic muppet out of Jack Elam's corpse and pass it off as Saddam Hussein.

Occam's Razor, folks. It's the simplest explanation that's usually the correct one.

Bush Stages Saddam Capture

The Bush administration is already hard at work spinning this as a military "victory", but as events unfold after supposed Bush "victories" we typically learn the real truth. For instance, the Thanksgiving "turkey" Bush served to troops in Iraq later turned out to not be a turkey at all, but rather a papier-mache fascimile of a large chicken. We also discovered that the "troops" at the "dinner" were not actually troops, but extra from the Broadway production of Cats . Now there's some talk that Bush may not have been in Iraq at all, and that the whole thing was filmed on a phony movie set in Hollywood, California.

So what we will learn in the next few weeks concerning this so-called capture of "Saddam"? Personally, I don't think this person they caught looks anything like the Iraqi leader. Saddam didn't have a beard, for instance, and his hair was always impeccably trimmed and combed. Whoever this guy is, he looks more like character actor Jack Elam than Saddam Hussein.

I'm also suspicious about the timing of this whole thing. Is it any coincidence that Saddam surfaces now, when all the democrat presidential candidates are campaigning on what a failure the Iraq war is? This sort of takes the wind out of Dennis Kucinich's sails, doesn't it? How are democrat leaders going to enlighten Americans about how evil Bush is when Saddam's "crimes" are being aired on TV every night?

Another thing that raises my antenna is how this "Saddam" was captured alive. All the experts said he would never be taken alive - that he would fight to the death. Yet they pulled him out of his hole like a frightened squirrel, almost if it had been scripted that way.

This is all too politically beneficial for Bush, so I therefore refuse to believe it.