ACTING UNDER ORDERS FROM BUSH, American soldiers and Iraqi police raided the home of beloved Iraqi leader, Ahmad Chalapi, destroying a priceless collection of Jim J. Bullock memorabilia - including a rare Bullock bobblehead doll and a boxed set of Bullock's Hollywood Squares appearances on video tape.
"Why, Bush, why?" Chalapi cried in his pajamas as uniformed troops loaded boxes full of confiscated Jim J. Bullock hand-puppets onto humvees. "Is this your 'freedom and democracy' for Iraq?"
Senior Pentagon officials were reluctant to provide details, but some questioned how a man who sleeps all day could amass a Jim J. Bullock collection estimated at over $17 million in value.
Up until recently, Chalapi was receiving $340,000 a month from the U.S. government for intelligence concerning Saddam's nonexistent weapons of mass destruction — the Bush administration's weak rationale for the war. He was convicted of fraud in absentia in Jordan in 1992 in a banking scandal and sentenced to 22 years in jail. He was also under investigation for interfering with an official inquiry into purported money-skimming from the U.N. oil-for-food program, a charge that Chalabi strongly denies.
"I am a friend to America," Chalapi told to reporters in front of his palacial Baghdad estate. "But Jim J. Bullock would never storm into my bedroom, waking me up at three in the afternoon. Why isn't Jim J. Bullock president?"
Bullock - best known for his campy role as the quirky neighbor, "Monroe", on the popular 80's sitcom Too Close for Comfort - was unavailable for comment.