If you're like me, you're sick and tired of Republican whack-jobs using John Kerry's words and actions to cast aspersions on his patriotism. That's why I'm doing my part to help the decorated War Hero by adding two new bumper stickers to the Fair Trade Gift Shop.
Stick them on your hybrid vehicle or Segway as a message to the uneducated idiots in uniform that John Kerry supports them 100%- which is probably 102% more than they deserve.
I watched Senator Kennedy's historic speech on C-SPAN yesterday morning in awed silence.
"...A man in dark hood and cape, standing on a cardboard box with electrodes hooked to his body. Naked men simulating lewd acts on each other. Naked civilians being chased by dogs. Rape. Murder. Sexual deviance. Free balloons for the kids. Everyone's invited out to Martha's Vineyard this Saturday for a traditional Kennedy Family weekend. But now, on to more serious business - the one-year anniversary of the horrible atrocities committed at Abu Ghraib."
It took him eleven tries to pronounce "Abu Ghraib". He finally settled on something close to "Abba Bin Babba" and concluded his momentous speech by accidentally knocking his cocktail off the podium and staggering out of the room. I sat there staring at the TV for several moments, moved to tears by his effluvial oratory, before I was suddenly overcome by a wave of panic.
"Occupied Iraq?" "Deepest fall from grace in our history"? Good Goddess, the troops are going to think we're all bunch of slavering, America-hating moonbats! That drunken, yet factually correct imbecile is going to completely blow our cover! We'll never convince the murderous troops to desert now!
I had to do something and quick. I picked up the phone and called all my Support Our Murderous Troops buddies for an emergency meeting at my place. Together, we'd devise a way to repair the damage that Senator Kennedy had wrought and show our murderous troops there were no hard feelings. Several hours of discussion and about 40 bongs hits later, we decided to send a care package to a random murderous troop, along with letters of support and encouragement (although such support and encouragement must in no way be construed as support for Bush or his illegal and immoral war on terror).
This was no easy task. Many of us are still suffering from Post-Wedgie Stress Disorder, thanks to the very same bullying jocks who are now serving in Iraq. Some of our more sensitive members break into high-pitched, feminine shrieking at the mere mention of the troops. But once I had finally shrieked myself hoarse, it was decided that I would write one letter for all of us, and everyone else would sign their name to it provided they could stop trembling with fear long enough to grasp a pen.
After a few rough drafts, I produced a final version that everyone was happy with, one that expressed the love we have for the brave men and womyn fighting overseas, while effectively conveying our patriotic disgust for the job they are doing:
Dear Mindless Drone of the Military-Industrial Complex,We the members of Support Our Murderous Troops would like to express our thanks for your courageous service, although it must in no way be construed as support for Bush or his illegal and immoral war on terror. Unlike the kneejerk jingoists who think that "patriotism" means slapping a yellow ribbon on the back of their SUV, Support Our Murderous Troops believes that the best way to show support for our murderous troops is to bring them home as quickly as possible, preferably with their tails tucked between their legs.
Today marks the one-year anniversary of the Abu Ghraib attrocities. You're probably already getting ready to torture a few innocents in celebration, but we're not here to judge you. Support Our Murderous Troops fully understands that low pay, the lack of basic armor and equipment, poor training, and general incompetence is a severe strain on your morale. With expressions of artistic freedom frowned upon, and consensual, same-sex relationships strongly discouraged if not expressly forbidden, the Pentagon has essentially denied you the means to relieve the everyday stress of battle. As a result, the primitive, neanderthal beserker bloodlust you developed in basic training has manifested itself into ghastly acts of brutal, inhuman aggression against the innocent Iraqi peoples, jeopardizing our standing in the international community as well as our crediblity with Al Qaeda and the Taliban. This is by no means your fault, but rather symptomatic of failed leadership at the highest level.
NO! It WAS your fault! I know it was you, Mike Jankowski! You're the one who snuck up behind me outside 4th Period English Lit and yanked my underwear all the way up over my head! Don't try to deny it, you fascist bastard! You were a violent, aggressive cro-mag then and you are NOW!!!!!
In conclusion, the members of Support Our Murderous Troops pray in a completely non-proselytizing manner that you come home safe, although this prayer must in no way be construed as support for Bush or his illegal and immoral war on terror.
In the sincerest hopes that we can, in some way, boost your morale and assuage some of the guilt you must be feeling for all your crimes against humanity, we offer the enclosed items as a token of our undying gratitude:
A photo mosaic of Bush made from the faces of your dead buddies.
A signed copy of Jane Fonda's autobiography.
Some rainbow stickers for the back of your humvee.
A transcript of John Kerry's heroic Winter Soldier Testimony.
A G.I. Joe doll with a black hood over its head and electrodes attached to his body in a fashion reminiscent of Jingus Khan.
A photo of Ted Kennedy with his shirt off, in a fashion reminscent of Jabba the Hutt.In addition, the three young womyn in our group asked to include some very special polaroids to "remind ya'll what you're fightin' for." So enclosed, please find several photographs of an oil derrick in Texas.
Chin up and goddess bless,
Support Our Murderous Troops
P.S. aforementioned "undying gratitude" must in no way be construed as support for Bush or his illegal and immoral war on terror.
We addressed the package to "Any Murderous Troop in Iraq", with the added disclaimer: "This care package must in no way be construed as support for Bush or his illegal and immoral war on terror" written in small print.
Unfortunately, it never made it to Iraq. I dropped the package off at the post office at 3 o'clock yesterday, and at 7 o'clock this morning the Postal Nazis were banging on my door, demanding to know why I was trying to send a half-wrapped bong to someone named "Abba Bin Babba".
DAMN THAT BUSH!
"Everyone knows that the Americans don't want hostages to be freed by negotiations, and for that reason, I don't see why I should rule out that I was their target," Giuliana Sgrena
Giuliana Sgrena is a militant, America-hating leftist who writes for a communist newspaper...but that doesn't necessarily mean she's right. It's general knowledge that U.S. troops are actively hunting journalists like pronghorn antelope in Ted Nugent's back yard. But with the blaring absence of Sgrena's bullet-riddled carcass strapped to the hood of some jarhead's humvee, I am inclined to side with our murderous troops on this issue and conclude that the shooting was simply a tragic accident - a gross act of incompetence made by bloodthirsty, babykilling fascists with itchy trigger fingers.
If there's any blame to be placed, it's on the Bush administration's reckless "shoot first, ask questions later" policy concerning cars that charge military checkpoints. Common sense dictates that until such a time that he actually explodes, a "suicide bomber" is simply a guy taking a leisurely drive with 50 pounds of explosives strapped to his chest, and must be considered innocent until proven guilty. Yet under current Rules of Engagement, any driver who ignores warning shots and refuses to stop is automatically presumed a possible "suicide bomber", and met with lethal force. By that same insane logic, we must therefore permit police officers to shoot people walking down the street simply because they might "possibly" be a criminal!
Formed out of the ashes of Support Our Troops, Asterisk!, Support Our Murderous Troops is a grassroots organization devoted to supporting our murderous troops but not the immoral, illegal, and incompetent work they do. As the group's president, I will be the first one to admit that on rare occasions, soldiers in battle are forced to defend themselves. It would break my heart to have to write my congressman and call for the complete disarmament of all troops stationed at military checkpoints. However, if Bush would show some leadership and implement a few changes in his failed Iraq policy, there's no reason why journalists shouldn't be able to scream through roadblocks without getting mowed down like Sonny Corleone.
1. "Innocent until proven guilty" is one of the fundamental precepts of American law. Troops stationed at checkpoints should be under strict orders to not shoot at suicide bombers until after they explode.
2. To avoid confusion, the defined Rules of Engagement must be posted clearly and in 17 different languages so drivers know exactly what they can get away with before being fired on.
3. Journalists, civilians, and other non-terrorist individuals should be able to travel freely though checkpoints without fearing for their lives. Some sort of signal should be implemented to differentiate civilians from potential threats. A "Honk if You're a Terrorist" sign, for example, would save countless lives.
4. Introspection. Terrorists have probably already figured out that blowing through checkpoints at high speeds will get them shot. Rather than opening up on every leadfoot who passes by, troops should take a time-out and ask themselves if perhaps they've chosen the wrong path in life.
5. When in Rome! In order to prevent further "accidental" shootings of journalists, all field reporters assigned to dangerous areas should be issued official U.S. military fatigues, and carry a large, brightly colored sign that reads "I'M A U.S. TROOP AND I'M UNARMED". Our murderous troops would be less likely to "accidentally" pick off journalists, and would in turn be free from scrutiny in case any more CNN reporters suddenly stop a bullet.
6. Donald Rumsfeld must resign.
In conclusion, let us honor the 1500 of our murderous troops who have tragically died for no reason. As each new day dawns, it's becoming increasingly harder for progressives like us to come up with witty slogans in order to pretend that we actually care. The quicker we bring our murderous troops home to glorious showers of loogie, the sooner we can get back to sneering at their patriotism.
Ever since this immoral "War on Terror" began, we progressives have held back, afraid to express our true patriotic dissent while neck-deep in a right-wing media fueled quagmire of kneejerk jingoism. Those of us courageous enough to burn flags at pro-troops rallies, splash blood on military recruiters, and piss on the graves of dead soldiers quickly learned how freedom of speech no longer exists in this county. Yet in this American cesspool of fascist opression, true heroes float to the surface. Modern day Ben Franklins like Ted Rall, Michael Moore, and Rusty Sanchez, challenged the status quo and dared speak out against the hegemonic U.S. Bush junto - only to be met with verbal abuse from the ignorant masses.
Now the severed cat head is out of the bag, and things will finally turn around for us. The International Community has seen how U.S. troops have been systematically mistreating, abusing, molesting, harassing, humiliating, and downright pestering Iraqi freedom fighters - just as the Nazis did to the Jews in WW2. John Kerry was right all along: U.S. troops BAD, enemy troops GOOD. The American occupiers aren't tall, square-jawed heroes to be admired and worshipped after all, but short, creepy cigarette-smoking weirdos.
At last, we will no longer have to feign sincerity when we say things like "we support the troops, but not the war". True American patriots can once again scream "Babykillers!" and spit big wads of righteous loogie on any uniformed figure without being made to feel like rabid, foaming-at-the-mouth lunatics.
So I have my weekend all planned out. I'll be getting together with some of my "Support the Troops*" comrades to protest in front of the Sand Point Naval Station on Lake Washington. Why they have a NAVY base on a LAKE is beyond me, but I've always said that "military intelligence" is an oxymoron.
One of the greatest lies the right has ever told is that they are the only ones who support the troops. They gather in their jingoist little "Support the Troops", waving their little flags and acting like they're so superior to the rest of us.
So to counter the right-wing monopoly on troop-supporting, some progressive friends and I have formed our own patriotic organization - one that doesn't exploit the troops for political idealogy. Today was our first meeting. I've posted a small portion of the minutes here.
Larry Chomstein: I move this meeting come to order. Does anyone second my motion?
Khim Lam: George Bush stole erection!
Larry: Khim, you need to second my motion, or save your remarks until you have the floor.
Travis Tyler: I second your motion!
Larry: Motion seconded. Can I get a third?
Travis: We need a third?
Larry: This is a democracy. We can't do anything until everyone agrees.
Travis: But there are 20 people here. Can't we just raise hands if we're in favor of starting the meeting?
Larry: Travis moves to forfeit the motion process in favor of showing hands. Does anyone second his motion?
Ashley Phelps: Just start the fucking meeting!
(group breaks up into angry shouting)
Larry: Order please. Quiet! Everyone be quiet! Okay, first order of business: what to call this new organization of ours.
Khim: George Bush stole erection!
Larry: Khim, please. Does anybody have a suggestion for a group name? Chair recognizes Ashley Phelps.
Ashley: "Peaceblossom", you fucking moron!
Larry: Sorry. Chair recognizes Peaceblossom Phelps.
Peaceblossom: How about "We Support the Troops, Not the Fucking War."
Larry: It's too vague. Why not the war? And what war? Chair recognizes Bob Keiser. Bob?
Bob Keiser: How about "We Support the Troops, with the Following Disclaimer: George Bush's hegemonic, imperialist, unilateral agression against a soveri - "
Larry: Too long. We need something short and simple, something that won't make us look like a bunch of kooky idealogues. Think "Not in Our Name", or "MoveOn". Chair recognizes James Wallace.
James Wallace: Fuhhhhh....Fuhhhhhhhh....F-F-F-Fuhhhhhhhh......
Larry: Chair recognizes Lance Mason.
Lance Mason: Of course you recognize me, silly! We've known each other since Berkeley!
Larry: Lance, do you have a suggestion?
Lance: Yes. "We Support Our Troops, But..."
Larry: But what?
Lance: But whatever.
Larry: Okaaaaaay.... People will think we're supporting some troop's butt.
Lance: I wouldn't mind supporting some troop's butt, especially if it's a tight, cu-
Larry: Come on people! Quit screwing around! We have a chance to change world history, here. Think of something appropriate! Chair recognizes Travis Tyler.
Travis: How about "We Support Our Troops....asterisk"?
Larry: You mean put a little asterisk at the end of our name?
Travis: No, I mean we actually say "asterisk". "We Support our troops...asterisk"
Larry: That sounds totally gay.
Lance: Excuse me?
Travis: Who died and made you Der Fuhrer, Chomstein?
Peaceblossom: Yeah, you fucking nazi! I thought this was a fucking democracy!
Larry: Ashley, please refrain from...
Peaceblossom: PEACEBLOSSOM!!!
Bob: I knew it! He's a fascist! Stop opressing us, you fascist!
Peaceblossom: I oughta to rip your fucking balls off, you fucking -
Khim: George Bush stole erection!
(indiscernible shouting & cross chatter)
The meeting lasted for another 4 hours, and then we finally agreed on "Support Our Troops*" for a name. Tomorrow, we will hold our first "Support Our Troops*" rally out at Fort Lewis, so I'm probably going to be up all night sewing swastikas onto U.S. flags.
