BlameBush!

Woohoo! It's Safe to Hate the Troops Again!

Ever since this immoral "War on Terror" began, we progressives have held back, afraid to express our true patriotic dissent while neck-deep in a right-wing media fueled quagmire of kneejerk jingoism. Those of us courageous enough to burn flags at pro-troops rallies, splash blood on military recruiters, and piss on the graves of dead soldiers quickly learned how freedom of speech no longer exists in this county. Yet in this American cesspool of fascist opression, true heroes float to the surface. Modern day Ben Franklins like Ted Rall, Michael Moore, and Rusty Sanchez, challenged the status quo and dared speak out against the hegemonic U.S. Bush junto - only to be met with verbal abuse from the ignorant masses.

Now the severed cat head is out of the bag, and things will finally turn around for us. The International Community has seen how U.S. troops have been systematically mistreating, abusing, molesting, harassing, humiliating, and downright pestering Iraqi freedom fighters - just as the Nazis did to the Jews in WW2. John Kerry was right all along: U.S. troops BAD, enemy troops GOOD. The American occupiers aren't tall, square-jawed heroes to be admired and worshipped after all, but short, creepy cigarette-smoking weirdos.

At last, we will no longer have to feign sincerity when we say things like "we support the troops, but not the war". True American patriots can once again scream "Babykillers!" and spit big wads of righteous loogie on any uniformed figure without being made to feel like rabid, foaming-at-the-mouth lunatics.

So I have my weekend all planned out. I'll be getting together with some of my "Support the Troops*" comrades to protest in front of the Sand Point Naval Station on Lake Washington. Why they have a NAVY base on a LAKE is beyond me, but I've always said that "military intelligence" is an oxymoron.

Support Our Troops!

One of the greatest lies the right has ever told is that they are the only ones who support the troops. They gather in their jingoist little "Support the Troops", waving their little flags and acting like they're so superior to the rest of us.

So to counter the right-wing monopoly on troop-supporting, some progressive friends and I have formed our own patriotic organization - one that doesn't exploit the troops for political idealogy. Today was our first meeting. I've posted a small portion of the minutes here.

Larry Chomstein: I move this meeting come to order. Does anyone second my motion?

Khim Lam: George Bush stole erection!

Larry: Khim, you need to second my motion, or save your remarks until you have the floor.

Travis Tyler: I second your motion!

Larry: Motion seconded. Can I get a third?

Travis: We need a third?

Larry: This is a democracy. We can't do anything until everyone agrees.

Travis: But there are 20 people here. Can't we just raise hands if we're in favor of starting the meeting?

Larry: Travis moves to forfeit the motion process in favor of showing hands. Does anyone second his motion?

Ashley Phelps: Just start the fucking meeting!

(group breaks up into angry shouting)

Larry: Order please. Quiet! Everyone be quiet! Okay, first order of business: what to call this new organization of ours.

Khim: George Bush stole erection!

Larry: Khim, please. Does anybody have a suggestion for a group name? Chair recognizes Ashley Phelps.

Ashley: "Peaceblossom", you fucking moron!

Larry: Sorry. Chair recognizes Peaceblossom Phelps.

Peaceblossom: How about "We Support the Troops, Not the Fucking War."

Larry: It's too vague. Why not the war? And what war? Chair recognizes Bob Keiser. Bob?

Bob Keiser: How about "We Support the Troops, with the Following Disclaimer: George Bush's hegemonic, imperialist, unilateral agression against a soveri - "

Larry: Too long. We need something short and simple, something that won't make us look like a bunch of kooky idealogues. Think "Not in Our Name", or "MoveOn". Chair recognizes James Wallace.

James Wallace: Fuhhhhh....Fuhhhhhhhh....F-F-F-Fuhhhhhhhh......

Larry: Chair recognizes Lance Mason.

Lance Mason: Of course you recognize me, silly! We've known each other since Berkeley!

Larry: Lance, do you have a suggestion?

Lance: Yes. "We Support Our Troops, But..."

Larry: But what?

Lance: But whatever.

Larry: Okaaaaaay.... People will think we're supporting some troop's butt.

Lance: I wouldn't mind supporting some troop's butt, especially if it's a tight, cu-

Larry: Come on people! Quit screwing around! We have a chance to change world history, here. Think of something appropriate! Chair recognizes Travis Tyler.

Travis: How about "We Support Our Troops....asterisk"?

Larry: You mean put a little asterisk at the end of our name?

Travis: No, I mean we actually say "asterisk". "We Support our troops...asterisk"

Larry: That sounds totally gay.

Lance: Excuse me?

Travis: Who died and made you Der Fuhrer, Chomstein?

Peaceblossom: Yeah, you fucking nazi! I thought this was a fucking democracy!

Larry: Ashley, please refrain from...

Peaceblossom: PEACEBLOSSOM!!!

Bob: I knew it! He's a fascist! Stop opressing us, you fascist!

Peaceblossom: I oughta to rip your fucking balls off, you fucking -

Khim: George Bush stole erection!

(indiscernible shouting & cross chatter)

The meeting lasted for another 4 hours, and then we finally agreed on "Support Our Troops*" for a name. Tomorrow, we will hold our first "Support Our Troops*" rally out at Fort Lewis, so I'm probably going to be up all night sewing swastikas onto U.S. flags.