"All I could think was, 'What does the Republican Party need - a fourth limb to make a person a hero?' And this coming from people who have not served. I was really offended by that. Unscrupulous and disgusting." - Terayza Heinz-Kerry on why she left the Republican Party
It's been a while since Sen. Max Cleland's severed limbs have blessed us with their presence, but KKKarl Rove's hateful remarks have forced them out of retirement once again. In the past week, they've surfaced in Texas, Rhode Island, Gay DC, and even Iraq. They routinely pop up on informative sites like Kos and blogging diva, Oliver Willis. A veritible Get-Out-Of-Being-Called-A-Treasonous-Anti-American-Weasell card, Max Cleland's severed limbs posess magical properties that transform the most vociferously anti-military progressive into a battle-hardened authority on national defense and modern warfare.
It all began when Sen. Saxby Chambliss criticized Max Cleland's position on Homeland Security, ignorant to the fact that Max Cleland's severed limbs make him an unquestionable authority on fighting international terrorism. Ever since, Max Cleland's severed limbs have been a powerful talisman against those who would call liberals "unpatriotic" simply because they sneeringly deride the troops and propagandize for the enemy. Since Max Cleland is a war hero, all those who adhere to the same political philosophy as Max Cleland are war heros and patriots by proxy. Thus, Dick Durbin can call the U.S. troops "nazis" and remain immune from all criticism. However, the heroism of Republican veterans does not entitle conservatives to have any opinion whatsoever on when or where we should send our troops to fight, for Rush Limbaugh's anal cysts cancel out Bob Dole's gimpy arm.
Wherever Max Cleland's severed limbs make an appearance, Rush Limbaugh's anal cysts are not far behind. They provide a sharp contrast between the national service of Ramboesque liberals, and that of chickenhawk conservatives who claim to be the "real patriots". The combination of Max Cleland's severed limbs, Rush Limbaugh's anal cyst's, and John Kerry's fourteen Purple Hearts tossed in for good measure, surround you with an inpenetrable shield of righteousness when debating war with Republicans. But I've also found Max Cleland's severed limbs useful in non-political situations as well.
For instance, when a co-worker recently called me a "limpwristed sissy" because I still have training wheels on my Segway, I stomped my foot and hissed at him: "HOW MANY LIMBS DOES MAX CLELAND HAVE TO LOSE BEFORE I CAN GET SOME RESPECT AROUND HERE?" Later that day, I reproached a neighbor in the laundry room with "I guess Max Cleland will have to lose a fourth limb before you'll clean out that damn lint trap." When she protested, I hit her with a double-whammy of Rush Limbaugh's anal cysts and Ken Starr's psoriasis. After a coup de grace of John Kerry's 17 Purple Hearts, the chickenhawk slithered off, shamed and defeated.
Sen. Max Cleland, a decorated Vietnam combat veteran and a triple amputee, gave his limbs on the battlefield of Vietnam so that progressive politicians, pundits, and bloggers could use them against right-wing jingoists who accuse us of being unpatriotic. Don't think twice about envoking them, whether in your blog or everyday life.
Max Cleland's severed limbs are also available for weddings and Bar Mitzvahs.