BlameBush!

Bush's War on Seniors

Skyrocketing health care costs. Out-of-control living expenses. Constant right-wing attacks on same-sex marriage and reproductive rights. Just when you thought it couldn’t get any tougher for America’s seniors to survive in this country, the Shrub launches another assault on Social Security.

This week, Bush unveiled his sinister plot to eliminate the coveted $255 prize paid to the surviving spouses of deceased seniors. He also called for slashing monthly cash bonuses for unemployed high school dropouts, thus breaking the sacred covenant working Americans have made to support the drug habits of teenage washouts. It seems that Dumbya won’t be happy until he’s squeezed every last ounce of blood out of our precious living treasures.

It was with heavy heart that I called my Repugnikkkan Nazi of a grandmother this morning to give her the horrible news that she won’t be getting her 255 smackeroos when Grampa finally shuffles off his mortal recliner.

“So how’s it feel to be screwed by your own Chimp, you crazy ol’ bat?” I laughed when Grandma answered the phone. “I bet you’re sorry you took that $300 tax refund now, aren’t ya?”

“What in the hell are you talking about?” Grandma asked. “And how did you get this number?”

“In your selfishness and greed, you sacrificed a lifetime of security for a moment of instant gratification,” I chided her. “What did you do with that bribe money, anyway? Blow it on BINGO? A new sweater for your obnoxious little poodle?”

“I don’t have a poodle and you know it.”

“That’s a shame,” I replied. “You’ll be wishing you did when the food runs out.”

“Alright," Grandma snapped. "This conversation is over.”

“And bugged, too, no doubt," I added. "HELLO BUSH! YES, YOU! I KNOW YOU’RE LISTENING, YOU MURDERING FASCIST!!! I HOPE YOU’RE HAPPY!! I HOPE YOU’RE TICKLED PINK THAT THEY’LL BE FINDING MY BELOVED GRANDMOTHER’S LIFELESS, SHRIVELLED CORPSE FROZEN TO HER KITCHEN FLOOR THIS WINTER BECAUSE YOU AND YOUR RICH OIL BUDDIES COULDN’T SPARE $255 MEASLY BUCKS! WELL, I WON'T STILL WHILE YOU CONTINUE TO ROB THE POOR TO FIGHT YOUR WAR! I WON'T BE SILENCED LIKE CINDY SHEEHAN OR GEORGE CLOONEY! I WILL FIGHT YOU, DO YOU HEAR ME, BUSH? I WILL FIGHT YOU!”

“Goodbye, Larry,” Grandma sighed.

“BUSHISHITLERBUSHISHITLERBUSHISHITLERBUSHISHITLERBUSHISHITLER!!!!”

*Click!*

Can you believe that senile old bitty hung up on me? It just goes to prove what I’ve been saying all along about how Freedom of Speech no longer exists in this country.

Bush Stagnated My Air

My radio alarm clock woke me this afternoon with the horrifying news that an “Air Stagnation Warning” would be in effect for the Greater Seattle Area throughout the entire holiday weekend.

Good Goddess! What terrible new ecological nightmare has Bush sprung on us now? Arsenic in the drinking water, global warming, hurricanes, tornadoes, tsunamis, and now “Air Stagnation?”

I certainly wasn’t going to take any chances with my health. Regretfully, I’d have to cancel my trip to my grandmother’s this Thanksgiving.

“Gosh, Larry, I don’t recall even inviting you,” my heartbroken Grandma told me over the phones minutes later. “As a matter of fact, that restraining order is still in effect.”

“Don’t try to talk me out of it,” I replied, “My mind is made up. You racist Nazis will just have to celebrate white man’s eradication of the indigenous peoples without me this year. It saddens me just as deeply as it does you.”

“Your grandfather is loading his shotgun,” said Grandma. “Ned! Put that thing away! He’s NOT coming!”

“…And when you’re sitting at the dinner table with all my inbred neocon cousins,” I continued, “remember to be thankful for all the kids who died in Iraq so you can have a full tank of gas. That’s blood on your hands, not cranberry sauce, you know.”

“I’m thankful for a lot of things,” Grandma snapped, “but you aren’t one of them.” The senile ol’ bat is sure getting cranky in her old age.

“No use begging, Gramma,” I told her. “I’m not going to ruin my lungs on a toxic pocket of stagnant air just so Bush’s big turkey buddies can line their feathery pockets. But if you can convince your beloved Shrub to ratify Kyoto, perhaps I’ll make it down for Winterfest next month.”

“Winterfest?” Grandma snorted. “You mean Christmas?”

“STOP FORCING YOUR RELIGION ON ME, YOU FUNDAMENTALIST KOOK!!!” I screeched and slammed the phone down, shattering my Nokia into a hundred pieces across the kitchen counter.

You try to be nice to these people in the spirit of the holidays and they start proselytizing like Pat Robertson at a transgendered abortionist’s same-sex wedding.

Right wing intolerance knows no bounds.

Terri Schiavo is Still Dead

It's been twelve hours since Brain Damaged Florida Woman's brain-dead body was allowed to catch up with her spirit, and the world has not ended. Caregivers aren't prancing through the intensive care units, yanking the plugs on their patients. We aren't suddenly living in some dystopian Soylent Green nightmare where old people are herded off to euthanization centers and then fed to the living. So far, all the dire predictions the Christian fundies have been spewing for the last few months have turned out to be a load of hooey.

Still, there's no avoiding the deep cloud of gloom that's enveloping the entire blogosphere.

Come on, people, cheer up! Terri Schiavo is dead, and it's a wonderful thing. After all, death is a natural and beautiful journey we must all take. It shouldn't be feared, but welcomed and embraced. Life, on the other hand, is just something that happens before you die, and often (as with Terri Schiavo) it's not even worth the effort. So-called "Christians" who argue otherwise should remember the teachings of Jesus, who went forth amongst the lepers, and euthanized them. It's right there in the Bible, should you care to read it. Ephesiacles 19:37.

Incidentally, the pigs paid me a visit at my office this afternoon. It seems that after our friendly conversation this morning, my right-wing Gramma became concerned that I might try to bless her with a bit of the ol' Death with Dignity. So she sicced the gestapo on me.

It's funny how conservatives pretend to be such staunch federalists, but then they turn right around and demand the government intrude on what should be a private family matter. They file restraining orders to keep cherished loved ones from nudging them along with their Death Process. They summon delivery boys with arms full of groceries to artificially prolong their lives. They turn the sprinklers on when you stand on their front lawn screaming into a megaphone, "JUST LET GO, GRAMMA! STOP CLINGING TO YOUR LIFELESS HUSK! IT'S TIME TO LEAVE YOUR COCCOON AND TRANSFORM INTO A BEAUTIFUL COSMIC BUTTERFLY!!"

Tom Delay has turned this whole thing into a big stinking circus.

FREE AT LAST, FREE AT LAST!

This morning, Michael Schiavo's years of suffering at the hands of religious extremists came to an end, and his lifeless, brain-dead, speed bump of a wife was finally allowed to complete her celestial journey. We all share Michael's pain and wish him only the best as he works his way through nursing school. No truer love did this man have for Terri, or for any of the other broads he's banged or is currently banging. Now, at last, the healing can begin.

In lieu of dancing a little jig, I decided to give my right-wing fundie grandmother a jingle to express my heartfelt condolences.

"Lawrence Chomstein?" Gramma wheezed. "The judge says you aren't to call me anymore!"

"Hi, Gramma!" I chirped. "I just heard about the passing of Mrs. Schiavo, the Brain Damaged Florida Woman who was never actually alive to begin with."

"And you called to gloat?"

"Now Gramma! You may think we progressives are a just a bunch of cold-hearted, death-worshipping monsters, but I have cried a river of tears for Mr. Schiavo. This whole country has been terribly divided since Bush stole the election, and I hope that now we've evened the score we can all come together and mend the rift between us."

"What's all that laughing and cheering I hear in the background?" Gramma asked, slapping the olive branch out of my hand.

"Oh, a spontaneous little office shindig, " I said. "In loving memory of Terri."

"They murdered that poor woman!" Gramma snapped.

"Oh?" I replied. "How many people are murdered in Iraq every day?"

"What does that have to do with starving a poor woman to death?" she asked.

"How many people has Bush starved to death with his illegal war for oil?" I volleyed.

"Well, I guess they all Died with Dignity, didn't they?"

Alzheimers. I decided to change the subject.

"How's life at the home, you crazy old bat? Are they treating you good? Is your feeding tube in too tight? Want me to come over and give it a little tug?"

"I'm not in a home, and I don't have a feeding tube!"

"Not yet, anyway." *CLICK*

You try to be civil with these Jesus freaks and they throw it right back in your face.

Lesson Learned: Americans are Dumb

One of the most important lessons learned from our loss this election is that we failed to connect with the retarded dittohead masses. I've thought about it long and hard, and have come to the conclusion that we progressives were simply too nice. Out of compassion for those inferior to them, liberal statesmen like Al Franken and Michael Moore held back and didn't sneer nearly enough at the American people as they should have, and we all paid for it on election day. 59 million jingoist biblethumping rednecks repaid our kindness by choosing a chimp who talks to an invisible diety over a war hero with four Purple Hearts.

Well, no more Mr. Nice Liberal. If our seething, drooling hatred for Bush, God, and America isn't enough to win these brainless sheep over to our pasture, then it's time to stop pulling punches. Progressive pundits are already on the ball and are diligently making up for lost sneering. However, it will take more than self-righteous screeching from the mountaintop to regain our rightful place as rulers over the brainwashed hordes. If we're ever going to win another election, if we're ever to earn forgiveness from France for our arrogance, we need to get out there in the red states where all the intolerant morons live and ridicule their silly religious beliefs. We need to really hammer it into their thick, prehistoric skulls that they're just too damn superstitious and stupid to be trusted with the future of this country.

Therefore, I suggest that we get a few really good days of self-pity and hopeless whining in, and then get back to work reminding the uneducated trogs how inferior they are. It's time to really get into their faces and shove it down their slack-jawed gullets that if they ever want to work again, ever want to eat again, ever want to walk again, ever want to see their sons and daughters alive again, they better damn well vote Democrat!

So today, I compiled a list of ten people I know who voted Republican and gave them each a call, in which I basically laid out the real heart of the progressive philosophy in simple terms they could understand.

"RACIST BIGOT GAY-BASHING FASCIST MORON!" I screamed into the phone after dialing my first number. "BIGOT FASCIST RIGHT-WING IDIOT HATEMONGER!!!!"

"Why are you screaming at me?" Grandma asked. "This state went to Kerry anyway."

"NO THANKS TO YOU, YOU INTOLERANT EVANGELICAL NAZI WHORE!" I shouted.

"Jeezus!" Grandma gasped.

"STOP FORCING YOUR RELIGION ON ME YOU NAZI BIGOT MORON!" I demanded, and hung up the phone. Jesus indeed!

The next eight calls were less cordial, and I received some very un-christianlike remarks from my targets before they rudely hung up. My, my, my! The hateful bile that comes out of the mouths of these "compassionate conservative" hypocrites!

Call number ten was out of town, but I left a convincing message on his machine. Tonight, I'm going over to spray paint "NAZI LIVES HERE" on his garage door. If that doesn't win his heart over to our side, nothing will.

Logic dictates that if four years of baseless accusations and ad hominem attacks won us 48% of the popular vote, then being twice as nasty will win us 96%. And if each of my readers were able to convince just one right-winger on their list to convert to our cause, it would mean 15 new votes for the democrats in 2006.

So go get 'em, take no prisoners, and feed those right-wing Christians to the liberal lions!

Bush Scaring Seniors Again

My frail, 94-year old grandmother was rudely awakened at about one o'clock this morning by a very frightening phone call.

"HOWDY!" the loud voice said in a thick Texas drawl. "I'm George Bush! I just wanted to call to let ya'll know that when I'm re-elected, the first thing I'm gonna do is take away your social security. All you old geezers will be out on the street with the rest of the gutter trash!"

"Bullshit," Gramma shot back.

"No, bullshit, ma'am. No siree," Bush responded. "This is George Dumbya Shrub, the pee-Resident select, and I'm going to cut off your medicare, raise the prices on your prescription drugs, kill your poodle and burn your house down. Yeee-haaaaaaaw!"

"I'm hanging up," Gramma warned him.

After a brief pause, the caller changed tactics.

"Paralysis got you down?" he asked. "Vote for John Kerry, and you'll get up out of that wheelchair and walk again."

"I'm not in a wheelchair!" Gramma replied.

"Alzheimers, eh? Too bad Dumbya banned stem cell research, or your brain wouldn't slowly be turning into goo as we speak."

"Oh Jeezus!" Gramma groaned.

"Ah, an Evangelical, are ya? Did you know that Dick Cheney's daughter is a lesbian?"

"You're making me sick."

"Well, Gramma, you better hope it's not the flu, 'cause Bush is withhol-"

"Lawrence, is that YOU?" Gramma growled, cutting him off in midsentence. "You little shit! How'd you get my number?"

"Err...ummm..BUSH STOLE THE ELECTION!" the mysterious, yet enlightened caller stammered. "WHERE'S OSAMA, YOU CRAZY OL' BAT?"

*click!*

Alas, look at what it's come to. Bush has polarized this nation to such a degree that reich-wing grandparents are rudely hanging up on their own grandchildren, and getting unlisted phone numbers so you have to hire a private investigator to track them down. Some grandparents are even changing all the locks on the doors, and getting big guard dogs to keep friends and family from pulling out their Bush/Cheney yard signs and tp'ing their trees.

All this thanks to a man who promised to be a uniter, not a divider.