The hate mail has been pretty sparse of late. There was a time when I would receive two or three hate mails a day. Now I get one per week, if I'm lucky. Recently, however, I've noticed a mysterious spike in crudely scrawled screeds from the nation's basement-dwelling neanderthals.
Here's one from a guy with a name like a planet on Star Trek:
You need to relax, take some ridilin, and chill out. If you really want people to be swayed by your arguemnets, you need to be much more logical and less lambastic. You throw around insults apparently to make yourself feel better, but it does nothing to help your cause. I say this as an independent who decided to vote for George Bush based on seeing Farenheot 9/11 and your so called article. If the Democratic party can do no better than you 2, then why should I trust the one you want me to vote for president? Next time, use your head, not your opinions to articulate your views, they might actually be effective instead of just hateful.
Dear BuxtonIV, largest Class-M planet in the Rygel system,
After reading in your lambastic letter that my article made you decide to vote for Bush, the guilt was too much for me to bear. Without even pausing to write a suicide note, I rushed into my kitchen and stuck my head into the oven.
FYI: They don't make gas ranges anymore. They're all electric! Boy, was I surprised. I sat there with my head inside the oven for twenty minutes, and the worst I got was a very lambastic sunburn.
I hope you're happy.
* * *
Here's an oldie but a goodie:
I read your comments on scrapple face about pungi traps (pits) and had to laugh. You don't have a clue about what the hell a pungi "trap" is do you? You're nothing but a phony, Marxist piece of crap.
Dear Mr. Dendy, Federation Ambassor from Buxton IV,
A pungi trap is a pit dug into the ground and lined with spikes. But what matters is that Colin Powell, a man who constantly talks about what a great soldier he was during Vietnam, clumsily stumbled into a TRAP. How does one NOT see a huge hole the ground? I suppose we should give Purple Hearts out to dorks who step into open manholes, too. Perhaps a Silver Star for every clown who falls down an elevator shaft?
* * *
This guy fired off a rambling two-page missive that I have yet to completely decipher. The best I can tell, he was furious over my use of the word "obloquy". Here's some excerpts:
Sitting around the gym I work at for the United States Air Force, making myself pleasantly frustrated by browsing political opinion web sites, I came across your site. Lemme' break some of this down for you, cause' every other sentence on your site made me feel like an english major. If my ego blocks out the sun don't stare directly at it.
Obloquy. I wish Winston Churchill had been standing right there when you typed that, he'd hit you so hard you'd (god forbid) starve to death rolling. Winston Churchill once said something to the effect of "Never use a large word, when a simpler one will do". Next time just say "Abusive" or "Malicious" and we'll all get the idea, people getting the idea is supposed to be the point of your online speech about the world around you.
If I wanted to be motivated to vote for Bush (which will never happen, trust me), I'd seek out sites like your own that use a commonly blown out of proportion concept to vent idiotic hatred for George Bush.
Moveon.org is doing the exact same thing, and despite the fact that John Kerry condemned the ads, they're gonna' hate Bush for four more years if they keep it up.
I'm all ready for a reply of "Look man, the whole site is a joke to make fun of liberals. Keep it on the low, and go easy on the coffee." Even if this is true, it doesn't excuse making a concept like the future of this country into a lame joke that would enrage either side of the election. If your site is a serious attempt to earn a following, realize that you love hatred more than the average Nazi.
You're wrong about me, you're wrong about moveon.org, and most importantly, you're wrong about "obloquy". Your rectitudinous attack betrays your true hebetude. Perhaps if you got a college education instead of playing Magic:The Gathering with the greasy-haired nerd people of Buxton IV, you'd learn a big word or two.
* * *
Sometimes, I'll get an email concerning a blog I wrote a year ago, and I won't have a clue what they're talking about. Here's a great exchange I had with Dr. Linnda Durre', famous TV and radio psychotherapist. She didn't include her name in the e-mail, but Google is a wonderful invention, and it says right there on her website that she's famous.
Dr. Durre' seems like a nice enough lady, and I only include her correspondence because she said something to me in her last letter that I've been waiting for someone to say for 9 years.
Dear Liberal Larry --
FYI -- Edward Asner was NOT the grumpy cook on "Alice".
Edward Asner played Lou Grant on "The Mary Tyler More Show" and then the title role in the spin off drama/comedy series on CBS, "Lou Grant."
No, you're thinking of Vic Tayback, who also played Mr. Howell on Gilligan's Island. I have nine liberal arts degrees, so I've had a lot of time to sit at home and watch TV. - Larry
Dear Liberal Larry -- Sorry - but you're wrong again. Twice.
Ed Asner did NOT play Mel on "Alice." Vic Tayback played Mel on "Alice" with Linda Lavin in the title role. It ran for years on CBS. Vic Tayback did not play Mr. Howell on "Gilligan's Island."
Jim Backus played Mr. Howell on "Gilligan's Island."
Please check with imbd.com or with other TV trivia websites to find out I'm right.
Um, no...Linda Lavin was the star of Rhoda. Alice was played by Robert Mitchum.
Dear Liberal Larry --
You are wrong again. Valerie Harper played Rhoda, not Linda Lavin.
Robert Mitchum!?!? Surely you jest.
I'm quite serious. And don't call me "Shirley"!