BlameBush!

Goddess Bless Our Flag-Hating Troops

I was surfing the web this afternoon, doing my part to fill Hillary's war chest and bring back our beloved hurricanes, when I stumbled across a shocking video that made me so angry I almost shut off my computer and put my clothes back on in protest.

It seems that a Reno TV news crew recently* discovered a Mexican flag being flown above Old Glory outside a local drinking establishment.

Granted, it may have been an innocent mistake. The bar's Hispanic owner is new to this country and perhaps had no idea his display would offend so many people and spark such national outrage. I am sure that if someone had simply taken the time to explain to him that the U.S. flag is not only a symbol of racism and genocide, but a blatant show of support for Bush's Illegal and Immoral War in Iraq, he would have gladly taken it down. But before anyone had a chance, a Vietnam-era veteran and true patriot, Jim Broussard, marched past the cameras and, in a courageous show of civil disobedience, cut down the blood-spangled banner and dared anyone to try and take it back.

Fatty Pillpopper Limbaugh will probably call Broussard a "phony soldier" for daring to show such patriotic dissent, but personally I haven't been this proud of someone who wore the uniform since John Kerry wiped his ass with the flag back in '71. Broussard obviously isn't one of those jingoist morons who joined the military because he couldn't get into college and now obediently waves the flag around because he's been brainwashed to love America. No, he's one of US, and I'm glad to see that the ACLU is jumping to his defense. This is a man who, despite his military background, has nothing but disdain for the emblem of U.S. imperialism many died pointlessly for,  and respect for those brave undocumented workers who pick our fruit and clean our toilets everyday for our freedoms. Goddess bless him.

*alright, so I've been a little out of the loop, okay?

Randi Rhodes' Dog Charged With Hate Crime

It's not easy being enlightened, and there's a heavy cross to bear for perfection. Progressives live in constant fear of being targeted for attacks by neanderthal Conservatives who resent us for our intellectual superiority. You never know when some raving Reich-winger, fresh out of Church, is going to pull up in his gas-guzzling SUV and bash your teeth in with the butt of an AK-47 purchased through the Gun Show Loophole.

When Talk Radio diva and guitar legend Randi Rhodes was hospitalized last Sunday, there was no question she had fallen victim to just such an assault. As she lay in her death bed, the world united in shock and anger for what was unmistakably a blatant attempt by Bush to silence a beloved liberal icon. There's obviously something the Right-Wing Hate Machine doesn't want Air America's remaining three listeners to hear.

But now Randi's lawyer, Robert Gaulin, is suddenly claiming that she was not attacked by jackbooted Conservative thugs, but merely stumbled and kissed the concrete while walking her dog.

Hardly. A look at the voter rolls reveals that Randi's dog is a registered Democrat in the state of New York and even campaigned for Hillary in 2006, so Gaulin's story doesn't hold water.  Googling his name (which is more than the Digital Brownshirts will ever do), I doscovered that a Robert Gaulin was charged with setting a blaze at a New York animal shelter that took the lives of 50 innocent cats and dogs. The charges were later dropped, but Gaulin certainly has some pent up hostility for man's best friend. Or in this case, womyn's. His claims must therefore be taken with a grain of salt, and there's certainly no call to fly off the handle and blame a little dog for a violent assault without any facts to back up your wild accusations. Especially when it's pretty clear that Rush Limbaugh did it.

Nevertheless, New York's DA, has already taken steps to indict Randi's beleaguered pup for hate crimes, as Ms.Rhodes is the member of a growing minority of liberals who equate the evacuation of New Orleans to the Jewish Holocaust.

But that all goes back to what I was saying about Progressives being more enlightened than everyone else.

Student Tasered in a Fashion Reminiscent of Jingus Khan

He rambled on and on without any semblance of logic or reason, drifting aimlessly from one subject to another, his words suggesting a deep-seated Christ complex if not a hint of outright dementia. Then Senator Kerry opened the floor to questions.

The very first student to take the microphone immediately pulled down his pants and whistled out of his sphincter until he was tackled to the ground by Bush's brownshirts.

"Please, let him finish," Kerry begged the jackbooted thugs, perhaps seeing a bit of himself in this brash young progressive. Indeed, the student's oratory, albeit a little rough around the edges, was just as impassioned as his historic Winter Soldier testimony 30 some years ago - and almost identical in content. If Kerry could only take the lad under his wing as Ted Kennedy once did for him, he could very well be a mentor to the next in a long line of flatulent senators from Massachusetts. But there was no convincing the pigs. No doubt on orders from Bush himself, they tasered the helpless lad and dragged him away, in all likelihood to some secret CIA torture chamber in Lithuania where he will be given lap dances in a fashion reminiscent of Jingus Khan.

Anyhoo, John Kerry is in the news again and that means it's time to throw a couple more turds into the Fair Trade Gift Shop.

Bedtime for Gonzo

Yes, Gonzo is GONE and I am GIDDY!  I would've preferred to see him frog-marched out of the White House for his unspeakable crimes, but beggars can't be choosers.

There plenty of RethugniKKKans out there, though, who believe Gonzales didn't do anything wrong at all, and even go so far as to cite Clinton's firing of 93 federal prosecutors. But anyone with half a brain knows there's no comparison.  Letting 93 of your predecessor's appointments go simply because they were made by a Republican and you want to rid your administration of their neocon stench is a Democrat President's perogative and completely understandable. Firing a small handful of prosecutors 3 years into your second term, however, smacks of partisan politics.

I can only hope that Gonzo's replacement forgoes the Rovian political shenannigans and concentrates on what Attorney Generals are supposed to do, namely burning religious fanatics and shoving shotguns into the faces of little Cuban kids.

Scooter Libby Walks; Tookie Williams Still Dead

The noise over Bush's illegal and immoral abuse of Presidential pardoning powers will rival the fireworks during tomorrow's National Day of Shame,. But after all the smoke has cleared, few will have bothered to ask the more important question: Does George "Scooter" Libby's "punishment" fit his crime? Does he deserve any kind of mercy?

Let's face it, he didn't exactly murder an entire family, molest any children, or gun down some Federal agents - so his crimes are totally inexcusable. He isn't Black, Latino, or a Kennedy, and therefore not above the law. Most of all, he hasn't made any outward displays of repentance, such as penning a children's book or contributing to the Clinton campaign. All Libby has offered in the way of an explanation for ruining Valerie Plame's life is that he has a lousy memory - but if there's a single paper cut on his genitals I have yet to see it.

This whole thing smacks of favoritism. Just another example of the elitist Repugnitards muddying the waters of a Judicial system we progressives have valiantly kept a nice yellowish hue for decades.

Bush Immigration Reform a Recipe for Genocide

"Give me your tired, your poor,
Your huddled masses yearning to breathe free,
The wretched refuse of your teeming shore.
Send these, the homeless, tempest-tost to me,
I lift my lamp beside the golden door!"

Stirring words engraved upon a statue given to us by France (merci, guys!). But our Founding Fathers would be sickened by how far we’ve strayed from those principles.

In a so-called “Immigration Reform Deal” that Republicans insist is “amnesty” for undocumented workers (an obvious ploy to get liberal Democrats like Ted Kennedy and John McCain on board) the huddled masses that traversed scorching desert wastelands, swam turd-infested waters, and dodged racial-profiling border guards might eventually maybe someday be asked to cough up $5000 in fines to enjoy the same citizenship privileges that rich white people automatically get just for being born here.

Yo, Bush! In case you hadn’t noticed, these people are DIRT POOR! You and your Big Oil Buddies may be able to pull that kind of money out of your asses, but 5000 bucks may as well be a million to your average Latino landscaper. When forced to make the tough choice between becoming citizens, feeding their families, or upgrading the hydraulics on their lowriders, what do you think most impoverished immigrants will choose?

Unless this bill includes some sort of provision to provide free lowriders for undocumented workers, then Bush’s “Path to Citizenship” will be nothing more than a Death March to Starvation”.

Bush Steals French Elections

I return from my annual Yoga Redeployment to find the world crumbling all around me. The Shrub, it seems, has been as busy as a fascist beaver. California is burning, thanks to his refusal to ratify Kyoto. 10,000 inner-city blacks are dead in Kansas because of his illegal and immoral war in Iraq. Bush’s Fascist Bureau of Ethnic Cleansing is rounding up former Yugoslavian terrorists in New Jersey (what part of the word “former” doesn’t that stupid Chimp understand?), and to top it all off, my beloved France has now fallen under the jackboot of U.S. hegemony.

In the recent French SE-lections, the beautiful and naturally pungent Segolene Royal, who ran on a strongly “I wipe my derriere with the U.S. flag” platform, was soundly defeated by Nicolas Sarkozy, a man who was photographed on numerous occasions NOT wiping his derriere with the U.S. flag. Alarming behavior, indeed. Certainly not what you’d expect from a French leader. If the world looks to Canada for “moral leadership” as Al Gore says, then France is a veritible mecca of progressive thinking. Yet like Canada, France has chosen an ultra-conservative lapdog of the Bush junta to lead them down the path to destruction. This doesn’t bode well for Europe, nor for our own Presidential elections. After all, if a proud. America-hating socialist can’t win in an enlightened nation such as France, then what chance does Hillary have here in the land that time forgot?

Terror at Sixteen Feet

There was a time, back before Bush's Reigh of Terror, when groups of sweaty, Middle Eastern males could chant “Allahu Ackbar” in a crowded airport without attracting so much as a second glance from fellow travellers. It appears those days are long gone. That’s the lesson six Muslim holy men learned last fall when they were forcibly removed from United Airways Flight 300 flight for attempting to turn a typically boring experience into a fun-filled and educational adventure for everyone.

No one knows for sure why the passengers of Flight 300 were so nervous about flying with Muslims. It's truly a mystery. But the whole thing stinks worse than human flesh being consumed by burning jet fuel to me. As an American, I’m embarassed and ashamed for the way the Imams were treated. I imagine they must’ve felt a little like the Muslim passengers of United Airlines Flight 93, whose private moment of quiet prayer was rudely interrupted by intolerant Americans pounding on the cockpit door.

Todd Beamer and his Merry Band of Bigots may have escaped justice, but the nameless John and Jane Does of Flight 300 won’t get off so easy. Lawsuits are currently being filed against those who reported the befuddled Imams to the airport gestapo. It’s not about the money, though. It’s not even about teaching people to think twice before inconveniencing any Muslim travellers who just happen to be gleefully slashing a flight attendant’s throat open with a box cutter in accordance with the Holy Quran. It’s about insuring that all fliers, Muslim and and non-Muslim alike, are treated fairly and equally by everyone, right up until the moment the plane hits the ground.

Christofascist Coulter Spewing Hate Again

Christofascist Ann “Nazi Hatebitch” Coulter has opened her festering hate-hole again, spewing the most hateful bile of her entire hatemongering life in a bigoted attack on the fabulous yet entirely non-Gay John Edwards.

"I was going to have a few comments on the other Democratic presidential candidate John Edwards, but it turns out you have to go into rehab if you use the word 'faggot',” Coulter told a crowd of fellow Christofascists last Friday.

Granted, her remark was made at a Klan rally and she was probably just pandering to the Nazi crowd, but that doesn’t excuse what she said. To imply that John Edwards is a homosexual in a tone that would suggest homosexuality is wrong goes beyond the pale, especially after all the nice things that homosexuals have had to say about Ann over the years. This is all obviously just another product of her psychotic fantasy that liberal men are somewhat less than “masculine”.

First of all, I object to the term “men”. Haven’t we as a society evolved past using stereotyping gender labels? Secondly, what has masculinity given the world besides war, bloodshed, noisy monster truck rallies, and unsightly body hair? It certainly wouldn’t hurt the grunting cromag cons to get in touch with their feminine side a little. My own feminine side died from a severe yeast infection in 1993, but I have nothing but admiration for metrosexuals like John Edwards who can spend six hours a day fussing with his hair and still go toe-to-toe with any so-called conservative “male” out there – and that includes Ann Coulter.

Ooooh I could just SCRATCH HER EYES OUT!

Babykilling Fascist Spits on Peace Activist

You can "support the troops", but not the war. And if in the process of "supporting the troops" you succeed in encouraging those they are fighting against, well then that's their own damn problem. So it was in that spirit that thousands of peace activists converged on the nation’s capitol last weekend in what future poets will one day describe as an "overflowing septic tank of love". In contrast, about three counter-protesters showed up to antagonize the crowd by making disparaging remarks about the beautiful and talented Jane Fonda. One of those freeper brownshirts was none other than our old friend Josh “Can’t Take a Joke” Sparling, a wounded war criminal and brainwashed propagandist for the Bush Junta.

While the American Hero Ehren Watada will likely spend the rest of his life at Gitmo for having the courage to abandon his fellow soldiers on the field of battle, Sparling has become a jingoist poster boy for the military-industrial complex. A glutton for media attention, he's been selling his bull on every morning talk show for the past week, taking valuable air time away from Mother Cindy and the Joisey Grrlz. He obviously has no shame. Yet when a peace activist hocked a wad of soul-cleansing loogie in his general direction, Sparling actually returned fire.

Thankfully, the Nazi was too slow on the draw. The nimble-footed protester had already vanished in a cloud of marijuana smoke and patchouli, perhaps off to graffiti the Washington Monument in the hopes of beefing up his arrest record for a future teaching job at Berkeley. The right-wing media has been fixated on the story all week, using the incident to paint peace activists in a bad light and perpetuate the myth that we all hate the babykilling troops. However, it was Sparling’s vicious attack that betrayed a fundamental lack of respect for the millions of brave men, womyn, and transgendered progressives who fight every day to end the war and bring our tots home in shame and defeat before they can mishandle any more Qurans.

As for the valiant protester who supposedly spat at but not on Sparling (there’s a difference), he gave up a day of playing Gears of War on his Xbox 360 to take a stand against violence and aggression. Instead of whining about a little good-natured ribbing, Sparling should get down on his good knee and thank him for his noble sacrifice.