BlameBush!

Cowardly McShame Quits Debates

John McShame has always been a quitter. He quit the Naval Academy to become a pilot. He went to Aviator School to learn to fly a fighter plane, then he quit flying just to lounge around a hotel in Hanoi for five years. He quit soaking up the hospitality of the Vietnamese People and came back to the states, where he quit his wife and family. Then in 1981, he up and quit the military to become Senator of Arizona. This year, he decided to quit being a senator and run for peeResident. Now, surprise! suprise!, he's announced that he's quitting the presidential debates, claiming that the American People need their elected leaders to be in Washington right now, working out a deal to save our ailing economy.

Wrong again, Chimpy McShame!  What the American People need right now is leadership! What the American People need is to gaze upon the angelic visage of Barack Obama and know that everything's going to be alright. Their mortages being forclosed, their jobs being shipped overseas, and their health care costs going through the roof, the American People yearn to tune into the television Friday night and have a politician telling them exactly what they want to hear, yet saying nothing. Obama's been doing just that since the start of his campaign. He means to do it tomorrow night as well, whether the coward McShame decides to show up, or not.

Hacked Emails Reveal Sarah Palin's Poor Emoticon Etiquette

When Sarah Palin was given a court order to turn her private emails over to the Obama campaign, she flatly refused. Now, a resourceful group of patriots have liberated those emails from her illegal and immoral inbox, revealing a dark truth about the Alaskan pigslut that may put the final nail in her political coffin:

Sarah Palin doesn't know how to use emoticons.

I'll spare you all the gorey details about the actual content of the emails. It's of little consequence when you look at the big picture and realize with shock and horror that the Governor of Alaska and possible Vice PeeResident wouldn't know a smiley from a lipstick-smeared pig.

First of all, she constantly puts a dashed line indicating a nose in her smiley, which hardly anyone in Washington does anymore:

Killed and gutted a baby moose with my teeth today! :-)

Palin may think it makes her look like an outsider, but it's really just annoying.

In some emails, the emoticon is backwards, or has too many spaces between the eyes and the mouth:

My daughter's child was conceived with a Kenyan Witch doctor on the altar of Satan! (  -  :

If that's the way Palin draws her smilies, imagine how much more she'll screw up our economy.

In other instances, her sentences are alarmingly missing an emoticon altogether, leaving the reader at a total loss as to whether she was being sincere or sarcastic:

I hope this Down's Syndrome Kid I'm cursing with the gift of life doesn't turn out to be queer.

Such a lack of transparency in government is par for the Repug course, but Palin goes too far.

We already know that McCain can't use a keyboard. Now he wants to put a woman who doesn't have any clue about proper emoticon usage just a heartbeat away from the Presidency?  Thankfully, Americans have been awakened to Palin's gross incompetence now, before she managed to steal her way into office.

Don't get me wrong - I by no means condone what those hackers did. But I find it ironic that the same neocons who turned a blind eye as Bush listened in on Al Qaeda's phone calls, are now crying "invasion of pricacy" when it has happened to someone that progressives don't like.

Bush/McSame Forcing My Grandma to Eat Dog Food Right Out of the Can

With the economy collapsing all around us, I decided to give my dear, sweet Grandmother a call today to see how she was holding up.

"HOW YA DOIN, YA OL' BAT?  HOW'S YOUR RETIREMENT NEST EGG HOLDING UP?"

There was no reply, but I could hear the dried up ol' hag wheezing like an asthmatic terrier.

"I GUESS JOHN MCSAME REALLY DID A NUMBER ON YOU, DIDN'T HE?" I pressed her.

"How does John McCain have anything to do with what's going on with the banking system?" Grandma finally spoke up. Too bad it was just another stupid Repug talking point.

"JOHN MCSAME VOTED WITH BUSH 90% OF THE TIME!!!!" I politely reminded her.

"And exactly which bills did he vote with Bush on that are responsible for the current economic downturn?"

You can always tell when the cons have been pre-programmed by their talk radio masters, because they'll question everything you say as if they actually have the ability (and the right) to debate you on your intellectually superior level.

"Did Rush Limbaugh tell you to ask me that?" I shot back at her. "I bet he forgot to also tell you that John McSame voted with George Bush 90% of the time.  Think about that when you're eating dog food right out of the can this winter while the greedy CEO's enjoy their obnoxious severance packages paid for with the blood of innocent Iraqi children."

"I'm done talking to you," Grandma snapped, her tiny reptilian brain no match for a progressive's enlightened mind.

"Fine," I replied. "Put Gramps on."

"Your grandfather passed away six months ago."

"Oh...too bad. I guess I missed the funeral."

"His last words were, 'keep that commie jackass away from my funeral'," Grandma informed me, tearing my heart right out of my chest and tearing it to shreds.  So much for "Compassionate Conservatism".

"That's a shame," I sighed. "I'm sure Gramps would've wanted to know that John McSame voted with Bush 90% of the time."

"I'm sure it would've completely changed his mind about John McCain," Grandma uncharacteristically agreed.

"Yeah?"

"Oh yes. It might have turned him into a McCain supporter."

The shriveled old Nazi can sure be sassy when she's cornered by liberal logic, but she tipped her hole card with that snotty remark.

"And I suppose you're voting for that senile old geezer who can't use a keyboard, thinks he invented the Blackberry, wants to enslave Whoopi Goldberg, and voted with Bush 90% of the time," I asked.

"I haven't decided yet," she snipped.

"He called that dizzy wife of his a c*nt!"

"I'm sure you've called her alot worse."

"AHHAAAAAA!  GOIN' NEGATIVE ARE YA? YOU REPUGS CAN'T RESIST DRAGGING THIS ELECTION AND THE AMERICAN PEOPLE RIGHT DOWN INTO THE MUD WITH YOU, CAN YOU? YOU NAZI RACISTS CAN'T DEBATE THE FACTS, SO YOU ATTACK, ATTACK, ATTACK!!!!"

"Goodbye!" Grandma chirped, and hung up on me before I could remind her that John McSame voted with Bush 90% of the time.

I'll swing by tomorrow with a couple cans of Alpo.

Sarah Palin Has Cooties

Poor Repuglikkkans think they have a dream ticket on their hands, but startling revelations are now coming to light that will put the final nail in the coffin of John McSame's illegal and immoral candidacy: Sarah Palin has cooties.

Apparently, McSame didn't thoroughly vett his darling little bimbot before choosing her for his running mate. Then again, the senile old man doesn't know how many houses he owns...how can he be expected to know whether or not his own Veep has cooties? He'll probably deny she even has cooties or try to bury the truth. But the folks over at Daily Kos and the Democratic Underground have it on good authority that Sarah Palin does indeed have Cooties, and that her daughter is a slut (and not even the good kind of slut - she's keeping her baby). But more importantly, Sarah Palin has Cooties.

Can working families who are facing mortgage foreclosures, unemployment, and skyrocketing gas prices  thanks to Bush's failed economic policies really afford putting someone with Cooties a mere heartbeat away from the presidency? And how exactly can a Cootie-sufferer find the time to perform her duties as Vice President while raising five kids, one of whom is a slut? Perhaps Palin should just go back to Alaska and concentrate on being a Mom and finding a cure for those Cooties of hers.

No one is really sure how Cooties are transmitted, but the general consensus is that you get them by being a pro-life, pro-drilling, Christian Conservative member of the NRA...and by kissing *YUCK!* boys.  Any Hillary supporters or Evangelical Christians who do not want Cooties would be advised to refrain from voting for McSame/Palin this November.

Time to Rename the Lincoln Memorial

If your panties aren't still moist after listening to Obama's speech last week, you just ain't human. Exhilarating, wasn't it?  It's so refreshing to finally hear a politician - let alone a Presidential candidate - talk about change! And it's change you can believe in, too!

Obama took some predictable flack from the right-wing haters, though. They seem to think that giving an acceptance speech on a Greek temple built inside a football stadium is somewhat "arrogant" and "pretentious".

First of all, the "temple" was only chosen as a platform for Obama's speech because event planners concluded that it would be logistically impossible to haul in the amount of dirt required for a miniature Mount of Olives. Secondly, it was obviously not a Greek temple but rather a replica of the Lincoln Memorial.

What the uneducated cons don't know is that the Lincoln Memorial has a very special meaning for most Americans, for it's where Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. gave his famous "I Have a Dream" speech. You wouldn't know by looking at it, though. There's literally no mention of Dr. King anywhere on the Lincoln Memorial, nor is there anything to commemorate that momentous day in American history. It's almost as if the white, male hegemony was purposely trying to erase Dr. King from our memories, leaving only a national holiday, and a hundred thousand city streets and public schools named after the heroic civil rights leader to remind us that he ever even existed.

I understand they're building a new memorial to Dr. King next to the Lincoln Memorial, but it makes you wonder why they don't simply change the name of the "Lincoln Memorial" to the "Martin Luther King Jr. Memorial". It would certainly be easier than having to say "The Lincoln Memorial, where Dr. King gave his famous 'I Have a Dream Speech'" all the time. Even those who make a pilgrimage to the soon to be completed Martin Luther King Jr. Memorial will want to know where he gave his famous "I Have a Dream" speech, just as those visiting Invesco Field will inquire as to where Obama gave his. Tour guides will be at a loss to explain why Dr. King gave his speech over at the Lincoln Memorial when he had a perfectly good memorial of his own to sermonize from. The statue of Abraham Lincoln sitting in the Martin Luther King Jr. Memorial will only add to their confusion.

It's divine fate, perhaps, that both of the greatest leaders in the history of the world gave their trademark speeches on the same day and from similar platforms, but future Americans shouldn't be forced to choose which speech they wish to celebrate. The simple, practical solution would be to rename the Lincoln Memorial in honor of Dr. King, and rename Dr. King in honor of Obama. It would not only be a great way for future generations to honor Dr. King's legacy, but an opportunity for today's Americans to honor Obama's in advance.

Is that really so "arrogant" and "pretentious"?