"We could save all the oil that they're talking about getting off drilling, if everybody was just inflating their tires and -- and -- and getting regular tune-ups, you can actually save just as much." - President Barack Obama
Less than ten minutes after President Obama issued his holy fatwa about filling our tires with air to bring down gas prices, I was already down at the local Jiffy Lube demanding to speak to the fascist in charge.
"I want answers," I demanded, furiously pounding my fist on the counter, "and I want them NOW!"
I keep telling you," the neo-con chickenhawk manager persisted. "They're those round rubber things on the bottom of your car!"
"And you fill them up with AIR?" I pressed him further.
"For the last time," he sighed, "YES."
This wasn't good. Despite his godlike intelligence, President Obama obviously didn't think this thing through. Every ounce of air we put into our tires is one less ounce that humans - and more importantly, animals - have for breathing. It's air stolen directly from the lungs of Mother Earth and replaced with deadly exhaust fumes. It's a terrible crime against nature that has been going on right under our very noses for years. Apparently, the Jiffy Lube has been surreptitiously - and without my consent - filling my tires with AIR every time I take the Prius in for a tune-up.
Well, I told Jiffy Jim in no uncertain terms to release the air imprisoned within my so-called "tires" hereto and forthwith.
"But sir," he complained, intentionally neglecting to employ a gender-neutral pronoun, "if I deflate your tires, you won't be able to drive your car out of here."
This is why uneducated conservatives will never be able to compete against enlightened progressives in a game of wits. He really thought he had me stumped, but I was one step ahead of him.
"So fill then back up again," I instructed him, "with greenhouse gases!"
It was brilliant! By freeing the air stashed within my tires and replacing it with the greenhouse gases that were destroying the plant, I could essentially kill two of Bush's nasty little birds with one stone.
The manager, of course, couldn't grasp such a complex idea with his tiny, reptilian brain. He gave me that same look I get from rethugs whenever I bring up the Downing Street Memos during a conversation about potato salad. But all cons are motivated by greed, so after I offered to pay him $100 to replace the air in my tires with greenhouse gases, he finally agreed to the task. He even requested that I send my progressive friends and co-workers over to have the service done on their vehicles.
The down side is that you have to leave your car there overnight. It's worth it, though, to save the planet. I picked up my Prius this afternoon - and although it's a deep red color, it's the greenest car on the road.