Thanksgiving; Harvest of Shame (Director's Cut)

As you can probably guess, I'll be spending today under my kitchen sink, stabbing myself in the thigh with a rusty fork as penance for over 200 years of white male hegemony. So in lieu of posting anything original, I present my award-winning post on the true meaning of this terrible day.  This is no simple rehash, either. It's the Director's Cut.  That is, I've actually gone through and corrected the spelling errors. - Keep hope alive. LC

As we know, the tradition of Thanksgiving began when the Mayflower landed on Malcolm X, near what is present day Cape Cod, Massachusetts. Fed up with the hegemonic stranglehold the Church of England had on their lives, a small band of progressive Christians sailed across the Atlantic to establish a New Eden in the New World, where gays could marry, women had a Right to Choose, and the only form of currency was Love.

Indeed, the pilgrims had finally found their Utopia, a place where they could experiment with conscience-expanding drugs and enjoy casual sex without being glowered at by judgmental old fuddy-duddies. Unfortunately, they spent so much time exercising their newfound freedoms that they didn't get any planting done, and soon found themselves no food reserves for the approaching winter.  Without a Patient's Bill of Rights, thousands died from hunger and disease, and hundreds more from the lack of affordable health care. 

The indigenous peoples took pity on the pilgrims and brought them bushels of maize, berries, and deer turds, but the natives' strictly vegetarian diet didn't agree with the bizarre, meat-eating Europeans. Faced with starvation, the colonists unanimously agreed to eat the Indians.  For the next six months, they ate the Patuxets, the Narragansetts, and the Erectorsets almost to extinction.  They justified their hideous crime by convincing themselves that the dark-skinned savages posed an imminent threat, and had arrows of mass destruction. This pleasant fiction lasted until the NicNacs and the Paddywacs banded together with the Mohawks and the Pompadours, exacting revenge on the pilgrims and inflicting severe casualties.   

An ignorant baboon with a short temper, Capt. Myles Standish exploited the pilgrims' fear of another Indian attack to impose a fascist theocracy on the colony. Backed by a junta of gun-toting puritans, Standish enacted the highly controversial US Mayflower Pact, rescinding all civil rights and granting the Church power to inspect a colonist's library records without a court order. Standish spent the next four years waging an illegal war for gravy, alienating our Nez Perce allies.  But it wasn't until Chief Iacocca ordered the Pontiacs and Cadillacs to drive the pilgrims out of Dodge that the cannibalistic orgy of death was brought to an end.

So when your naive, pasty-faced brats come home from school this week wearing their cute little construction paper hats, gently take them aside and explain the truth about this evil holiday: Thanksgiving dinner is not a reinactment of a bountiful harvest feast shared with friends, but the symbolic consumption of a murdered Indian's flesh to celebrate the cannabilistic genocide of America's indigenous peoples.

Comments

[megapix]

First

[Che Gobblevera]

Man, now I'm hungry, too.

I'm just curious how the tradition of sticking your fist up a dead bird's ass at 4AM got started? I'm not saying it's wrong, I just want to know who I'm thankful to.

[megapix]

Feelthehate and Exorcist are obsessed with sticking things up arses. Maybe you should ask them.

[Dave]

Remember kids, The turkeys you stuff in your fat faces went through a Holocaust much more horrible than what happend to our non-shellfish-eating friends at Auschwitz or Treblinka.

( Note to my progressive friends. I'm not saying the Holocaust happened. I mean, none of us were there, so we'll never truly know if it did or didn't...That's all I'm saying.)

[Friend of USA]

The Tragedy of the Commons

By John Stossel

Every year around this time, schoolchildren are taught about that wonderful day when Pilgrims and Native Americans shared the fruits of the harvest. "Isn't sharing wonderful?" say the teachers.

They miss the point.

Because of sharing, the first Thanksgiving in 1623 almost didn't happen.

The failure of Soviet communism is only the latest demonstration that freedom and property rights, not sharing, are essential to prosperity.
The earliest European settlers in America had a dramatic demonstration of that lesson, but few people today know it.

When the Pilgrims first settled the Plymouth Colony, they organized their farm economy along communal lines. The goal was to share everything equally, work and produce.

They nearly all starved.

Why?

When people can get the same return with a small amount of effort as with a large amount, most people will make little effort.
Plymouth settlers faked illness rather than working the common property.
Some even stole, despite their Puritan convictions.
Total production was too meager to support the population, and famine resulted.
[...]

... ... ...

I am thankful not everyone is a liberal.

Happy Thanksgiving!

[feelthelove]

You have been reading 'Plymouth Plantation.' Shame on you for reading the lies of the only eyewitness.

[neohamster]

I myself am thankful to Algore for inventing Thanksgiving. My only regret is he didn't invite our muslim brethern to the first hoedown, proving once again the white neocon christian hatemongering settlers - uh, i forgot what i was saying.

[lanebrain65]

I used to suspect that Larry was actually a right-winger who was making fun of left-wing blogs. But then I read this and realized he's just a regular old left-of-center progressive reaching out to the values voters.

http://margaretcho.com/blog/index.php/archives/2003/11/27/no-thank-you/

[The Exorcist]

I'm just curious how the tradition of sticking your fist up a dead bird's ass at 4AM got started? I'm not saying it's wrong, I just want to know who I'm thankful to.--CheGobs

I think the professym addressed that with the "to establish a New Eden in the New World, where gays could marry," line. Looks like we have the same people to thank for 4am fisting as we do for banging green monkeys. But will those same people nominate Hillary, Hussein or the first openly gay presidential candidate.

I'm just thankful that none of the three are electable in the general election.

[Che Ganjavera]

Cho... That's Gaelic, isn't it?

[Intellectual Conservative]

And here we have yet more proof that some Brits have gone completely mad ..

"Man tries to have sex with park bench"

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/main.jhtml?xml=/news/2007/11/21/nfence121.xml

[Che Gobblevera]

If having sex with a park bench is newsworthy, where's my Pulitzer ^&%$##@ prize?!

[feelthelove]

Che, it is only newsworthy when someone tries to hinder furnication.

[Che Gobblevera]

OK, screw the Pulitzer then. Where's my Nobel? They don't actually hold contestants to any sort of standard any more, do they?

[Che Gobblevera]

And besides, what are the prizes for runners-up at the Nobel gameshow, a shopping spree at Ikea?

[Friend of USA]

There is so much anger in Margaret Cho I think it could provide heating for a dozen average house in the Canadian winter.

That woman needs to be bent over a piano and banged hard until the anger escapes her tormented body.

Love cures all

is all I'm sayin'

[feelthelove]

Maggie Cho is angry? About what?

[Friend of USA]

Angry because she is not getting any.

or any that is any good.

[feelthelove]

She is just ignant.

[feelthelove]

What do you expect from someone who dated Quentin Tarantino? I am betting he will tell the story of Woody, the Rigid Bench in his new flick, Pulp-wood Friction.

[feelthelove]

It wasn't a bench, it was a fence. I hear a Monty Python sketch in this...

[Intellectual Conservative]

My bad .. it was a fence ..

There's also a story about Bicycle Man who was humping a bicycle .. also in the UK ..

And they claim WE are odd ..

[Pastor Ezekiel]

This is a better source. All joking about genocide aside.

http://www.13moon.com/Resources-articles-thanksgiving.htm

[feelthelove]

IC, your bad makes you a lying liar who lies. Never mind that you got the essentials of the story correct: White male using his organ of oppression on an inanimate object
who could not be taken into protective custody. It was which object his desire
was fixated on.

Yes, the UK is full of inbred oddballs; but once Charles ascends to the throne (if he
doesn't get killed by an STD or that Rottweiler he married), I am sure the Bush junta
will relax immigration quotas.

If there are any left in the UK that are smart enough to move...that is.

[megapix]

"And here we have yet more proof that some Brits have gone completely mad .."--some little boy

You shouldn't talk about your biggest ally like that! (What about the "special relationship"?)

Even if they did put a man on the sex offenders' register for trying to have sex with a bicycle and being caught by the cleaners.