Some of us are old enough to remember a time when the mighty hurricane still roamed the high seas in vast herds, wild and free, unspoiled by the destructive force of man's greed. Not so long ago, scientists marveling at the sheer number of hurricanes worried that they might run out of names for them. Now, with yet another mild season drawing to a close and less than 15 storms to show for it, many are left wondering what is responsible for the disappearance of our beloved Hurricanes, not to mention our free $2,000 ATM cards.
Meteorologists predict that global warming will cause weather to become increasingly unpredictable, thus covering their asses for generations to come. And if it weren't for the ATM cards, I might be able to dismiss Bush's involvement entirely. But with the price of oil skyrocketing and the economy in the crapper, it's just too much of a coincidence for the hurricanes to completely vanish right now when working families need them the most. The Red Cross may have provided food and water, but it was the $2,000 ATM cards FEMA distributed in the wake of Hurricane Katrina that helped many such families purchase such vital necessities as booze, drugs and porn.
Indeed, the adult entertainment industry has been the hardest hit by the sudden lack of hurricanes, losing about 11 percent in sales since 2006. That's money Bush has practically stolen right out of the DNC coffers - and Hillary's war chest.
I'd like to encourage my readers to fill the void by going out and buying up as much smut as they can, but the inconvenient truth is that it's impossible to find porn that's printed on recycled paper these days. Trust me, I've tried. The best alternative I can think of is to go ahead and buy a lot of porn anyway, and then place it all in the proper recycling bin afterwards. I understand this might be difficult for those of you who didn't exercise your Right to Choose and now have children running around your house as punishment, so I'd suggest you instead donate the porn to your local elementary school so that it can be used as instructional aids when President Obama's Kiddie Sex Ed program takes effect. If Hillary wins, however, I'm sure she can find someone within her close inner circle who would be more than happy to hold all your porn for safekeeping, at least until our beautiful hurricanes return and once again rain ATM cards down upon the those Bush has deemed fit to starve to death.