Rush Limbaugh Has Anal Cysts
“RUSH LIMBAUGH HAS ANAL CYSTS! RUSH LIMBAUGH HAS ANAL CYSTS!” I screamed it loud, and I screamed it over and over again until my voicebox ruptured and my ginseng suppository shot through the seat of my panties like Grampa’s Buick through a crowd of Santa Monica tourists. “RUSH LIMBAUGH HAS ANAL CYSTS!!!!!!!!!!!”
“Maybe so,” the officer replied, “but it doesn’t change the fact that you were doing 75 in a school zone.”
“Was I?” I shot back. “Or are you simply afraid to hear the truth about Rush Limbaugh’s anal cysts?”
That’s how these repug sheeple are. Their tiny, reptilian brains are incapable of producing any semblance of an independent thought, so they let Fatty Pillpopper do their thinking for them. He uses his hate-radio platform to fill their empty heads with his right-wing lies, which they then regurgitate word-for-word at every opportunity. Tragically, they do so completely oblivious to the existence of Rush Limbaugh’s anal cysts.
His are no ordinary anal cysts, either, for when he used them to dodge the Vietnam draft they became infused with mystical powers that magically disqualify any opinion he has on any issue, from the illegal and immoral war in Iraq to stem cell research. Too bad for him, but lucky for progressives because it saves us the trouble of having to debate any of his insane viewpoints. Now if we could only make his brainwashed dittohead hordes open their eyes and see Rush Limbaugh’s anal cysts in all their festering, pus-filled glory, they’d have no choice but to abandon him for the lying liar he is and obediently follow a progressive leader instead - someone whose minty-fresh anus is free of cysts or other unsightly blemishes.
That’s why I was barreling through Ballard on my lunch break, shouting “RUSH LIMBAUGH HAS ANAL CYSTS!” out the window when I got pulled over by the gestapo.
“RUSH LIMBAUGH HAS ANAL CYSTS!” I screeched at the cop again, in case he didn’t hear me the other 117 times. “RUSH LIMBAUGH HAS ANAL CYSTS!”
Herr Flatfoot smirked and continued to furiously scribble on his little Nazi notepad.
“Hey, I passed your Nazi field sobriety test!” I reminded the little oinker. “What in the name of Rush Limbaugh’s anal cysts are you writing me a ticket for?”
“Besides speeding?” he asked incredulously. “Reckless driving. Disturbing the Peace. And I’m pretty sure there’s a law in the books against operating a motor vehicle completely naked except for a pair of green panties with an Irish flag on the crotch.”
“For your information,” I informed him, “these are PROTOTYPE HEMP PANTIES, specially designed to lower my carbon footprint and reduce global warming. Now can I PLEASE get back into my car? I’m freezing my fricking BALLS off!”
He ignored my polite request and marched back to his motorcycle, mumbling into his C.B. for a few seconds before goosestepping back to where I patiently waited.
“What the matter?” I taunted him. “Gotta get the papal nod from Rush before you bash my brains out with your penis extension?”
“Sir, or whatever you are,” he said with a sneer, “I’m going to let you off with a warning this time. We just got a 911 call that someone lit up a cigarette a few blocks down, and I want to get there before the SWAT guys hog all the parking spots. Have a nice day.”
I watched as the jackbooted stormtrooper sped away, wondering if I had even made a dent, if I had managed to crack through his thick repug skull and open his puny mind to the truth about Rush Limbaugh’s Anal Cysts. Probably not. I decided to send him my 300 page manifesto on Rush Limbaugh’s Anal Cysts, just in case.
Hitching up my panties, I returned to my car.
The door was locked. Sweet Mother of Rush Limbaugh’s Anal Cysts, someone had locked my Gaia-damned keys in the car!
That’s what I get for trying to educate these stupid cons.
Uh, first?
Posted by: Dodger | March 15, 2007 at 10:28 PM
I can't help but think this whole post is aimed at me.
"Sweet Mother of Rush Limbaugh’s [blankety blanks], someone had locked my Gaia-damned keys in the car!" Yeah, and I'm pretty sure you just got your IP address blocked from posting to you own blog, with all those butt wart references.
Posted by: Fist of Etiquette | March 15, 2007 at 11:02 PM
...a Pair of green panties with an Irish flag on the crotch – Liberal Larry
Hehe... The Leprequeen will be happy to hear that... or is that Leprechaun?
Posted by: TT1 | March 16, 2007 at 12:37 AM
"And I’m pretty sure there’s a law in the books against operating a motor vehicle completely naked except for a pair of green panties with an Irish flag on the crotch.”
Lord, how I love this place. This whole post was...it was...
Larry, I don't have the words. You, sir, are an artist.
Thanks again.
Posted by: stoorat | March 16, 2007 at 12:59 AM
So what ailment does Rush Limbaugh suffer from?
Posted by: Bush4Ever | March 16, 2007 at 03:11 AM
I've thought for a long time that Larry has no inspiration whatsoever other than what he can dredge from his comments section.
Ho hum ... after all, what can one do only feel sorry for these people?
Enjoy, kiddies!
Posted by: irish | March 16, 2007 at 04:13 AM
Brilliant, Larry. "Ho hum" is troll for "Fuck! Burned!"
Except you forgot to mention that Dick Cheney's daughter is a lesbian. And how did the cop know what was on the crotch of your panties?
Posted by: Che | March 16, 2007 at 04:19 AM
"Fuck! Burned!"
In your dreams. :)
Posted by: irish | March 16, 2007 at 04:43 AM
In Honor Of St Partick's Day!!!
Posted by: Bubba | March 16, 2007 at 05:23 AM
Larry this whole time change has confused me.. usually I get up around noon, and I am up at 8am!! Those neocon public servant sanitation engineers woke me up with their loud but required banging of equipment.
COMMENT SPAM!!!! The NEocons at typepad are blocking my first amendment speeeeeech rights.. Bushitler is acting like a dictator and blocking my posts from appearing. Stop this larrry!
Posted by: DoubleU | March 16, 2007 at 05:28 AM
Larry my message was stopped by the right wing neocons. I had to edit out all references to mr. hate speech radio himself and I couldn't talk about waking up at noon.;
Posted by: DoubleU | March 16, 2007 at 05:29 AM
Oh, Larry! This is what keeps me coming back to this brylliant Lyberal progressyve syte! We progressyves struggle mightely against the NeoKKKon Nazi efforts to narrow and harden our arteries by forcing us to eat their Big Business Burger King Whoppers. What they don't know is that dissident Lysping lybirals such as yourself provide the rest of us with the laughter necessary to expand our arteries and make us healthy again....to live to fight the NeoKKons and their fascist and immoral war against our Mooslim Minute Men breathryn.
Thank Gaiaa for Lyberal Larry!
Posted by: Methinks | March 16, 2007 at 05:45 AM
Whut? Bubba, are you trying to tell me that some Ethiopian Mamma knows better than Bono what's good for her kid? Are you ACTUALLY trying to imply that moral exhibitionism does NOT improve conditions for those too black and poor to know what's good for them? Sorry, buddy, but Hollywood disagrees and Hollywood is the final word!
Posted by: Methinks | March 16, 2007 at 05:49 AM
When Bonehead first started his public Heart Bleeding, he used to call them "T'ird World Countries", heh-heh!
Posted by: Bubba | March 16, 2007 at 05:57 AM
"Sir, or whatever you are..."
*___________________________*
(That's the blank where I was struck speechless.)
Larry, I am actually posting to make sure you saw this news: http://www.usatoday.com/life/movies/news/2007-03-13-300-iran_N.htm?csp=34
Posted by: Maria in Iowa | March 16, 2007 at 06:12 AM
Hey, Maria, aren't the Iranians in a permanent state of outrage anyway? I don't know why their outrage even makes the news anymore.
Posted by: Methinks | March 16, 2007 at 06:49 AM
"T'ird World Countries"
HA HA HA HA!! You can't make this stuff up!
Posted by: Methinks | March 16, 2007 at 06:52 AM
Your post today made a stream of what I pray to gaia is my own pee run down my leg.
Thank you lar, for helping us laugh and love, again..
Posted by: Dave | March 16, 2007 at 07:10 AM
In unrelated news I'm sad to inform everyone that Irish's internet access may be restricted for the next few years:
http://www.metro.co.uk/weird/article.html?in_article_id=40208&in_page_id=2
So if anyone wants a job as the official BlameBush cut and pasterer...
Posted by: Menstrual Rainbow | March 16, 2007 at 07:17 AM
Your post today made a stream of what I pray to gaia is my own pee run down my leg.
Oops. Sorry about that. If it makes you feel better, it isn't pee.
Posted by: Che | March 16, 2007 at 07:24 AM
Brilliant. Simply brilliant Larry.
Posted by: Arbiter | March 16, 2007 at 07:43 AM
Arbs, you stole my line.
But suffice it to say, nobody does it better than the Professor. Yet another thing that separates us from them. Unlike the Bill Maher's of the world who are so consumed with anger you can see they aren't really laughing. We can laugh heartily because not only do we have a real sense of humor, but that sense of humor goes a lot farther when it comes with a brain. After reading the title, I had enough sense to not sip my coffee until after I read the entire thing.
Bravo, Professor. Simply the best.
Posted by: The Exorcist | March 16, 2007 at 09:06 AM
I stole your line!? You stole the heart of my pet/partner baboon/lover Mohammad (piece of luv upon his cute red rashy ass)!!
Posted by: Arbiter | March 16, 2007 at 09:09 AM
Absolutely CLASSIC ... LOL ...
And of course, the 'man' this is aimed at doesn't have the intellect or the maturity to appreciate the humor ...
Posted by: Intellectual Conservative | March 16, 2007 at 09:09 AM
Zing!
Posted by: Son of the South™ | March 16, 2007 at 09:51 AM