I boiled one of my Birkenstocks for breakfast today. It’s not as terrible as it sounds – the Carbon Footprint caused by firing up my stove was actually offset by the Eco-Credits I earned for not wearing any shoes today. It’s not like I’ve never been forced to eat my footwear before, either. In the entire 20th Century, there was only one stock market crash, followed by one little depression. Since Bush stole the peeResidency, there has been a recession, a stock market crash, another recession, years of stagnation (not the good, Jimmy Carter kind of stagnation, either), then yesterday’s stock market crash which will likely lead to the Great Depression of our time. Thanks to the Shrub, I’ve digested enough shoes in the past six years to make Imelda Marcos gag.
I got smart after the 9/11 crash, though, and started squirrelling shoes away for the next big storm. So don’t worry about ol’ Larry, I’ll weather Bush’s Depression just fine. However, there are thousands of working families out there that can’t afford to put shoes on their dinner table. Who will care for them? Certainly not the so-called “Compassionate Conservatives”, who are far too selfish and greedy to feed someone the loafers off their own saintly feet. It must be up to us as progressives to scour the thrift stores and garage sales for every pair of used sneakers, sandals, and slippers we can find, and we must do it NOW before Bush and his gouging Big Footwear Buddies have a chance to corner the market.
It's too late to prevent Bush's depression. But together, we can rebuild America out of the ashes of Capitalism, leading it into a bright, new, social utopia with a government-issued boot in every pot and three families living in every garage.