Al Gore's is Smaller Than Yours

Feted at Sundance. Fellated at the Oscars. There may even be a Nobel Prize in his future. After having his election and subsequent re-election stolen from him, it appears that Al Gore is finally getting the respect he deserves – and not just from the lesbian community. The whole world is united in love and admiration for the man who would awaken us to an inconvenient truth and save us from our own polluting selves.

There are, as expected, the typical right-wing bullies on the beach who can’t resist kicking sand in Al’s face as he basks in the glow of his much-deserved stardom. Always the turds in the proverbial punchbowl, these smearmongers have procured “evidence” that Gore uses twenty times more electricity than your average American household. Well, of course he does – he’s twenty times more important than your average American. What the GOP attack machine neglects to factor into their hate-fueled orgy of hate is the utter itsy-bitsyness of Gore’s teensy weensy “carbon footprint” – ithat is, the amount of damage one does to the environment simply by cursing this planet with their existence.

Naturally, Al Gore’s carbon footprint is drastically smaller than that of a carbon-based lifeform. This allows him to enjoy the sort of lavish lifestyle that only a progressive celebrity truly deserves. There is also the matter of "carbon offsets" to consider - special “Eco-Credits” we can use to offset the amount of Carbon Debt we incur throughout our daily lives. The more environmentally-friendly you are, the more credits you obtain. Voting Democrat, for instance, earns you an automatic 1000 Eco-Credits. Wearing earth tones gets you another 5,000 Eco-Credits. Having at least one Prius in your 17-car garage is worth 20,000 Eco-Credits, and an additional 10,000 if you slap a Greenpeace bumper sticker on it. For those who can't afford a hybrid vehicle, abortions an inexpensive way to nab an easy 10,000 credits. Once you have accumulated enough Eco-Credits, you can exchange them for the privilege of heating your home, driving your car, or flushing your toilet.

Unfortunately, there are only so many Eco-Credits to go around, and Al Gore has most of them. His tireless devotion to scaring the crap out of people has earned him enough Eco-Credits that he could raise a herd of bean-fed bovines in his front yard and still have enough left over to heat his indoor olympic swimming pool for the next 1000 years if he wanted to. Instead, Gore has chosen to hold his vast wealth of Eco-Credits in trust for the America people, until such a time that Mother Earth has passed safely from the under shadow of an environmental holocaust. Until that day comes, it is important that the rest of us reduce our carbon footprints by shutting off our heat, turning off our lights, and eating cold dog food directly from the can.

Well, not all of us.

Just you.

Comments

[Dodger]

1rd!

[aha]

You are a First Turd?

Gore and Gaia. I bet Tipper feels left out. I hate to push religion at a time like this, right when Goricle has come into his own, but has anyone ever told him about Intelligent Design vs. Evolution and Gaia?

[aha]

AlGore doing a slide show is 'activist cinema at its very best?' Let me know when Michael Moore makes another crocumentary. I need the adrenaline rush to wake up from AlBore's Power Point Presentation On Polar Bears.

[MMM'BILLY]

YEA DA AL GORE HE R DA BOMBS!

HE R SO SMART DAT HE R GUD MENS!

HE ISN"T JUST RITE< HE"S HELPING US BUILD A PROBLEM COMPELTELY OUTTA DA PROPORTION SO WE CAN BEAT DA CONSERVATIVES OVER DA HEAD WIT IT! WE WILL DEFEEETS DA CONSLEGVTSTACE!!!!!!

Keeping with the Yahoo! answers trend:

http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index;_ylt=AhKawdweykIQsI7KWTLLX8jsy6IX?qid=20070227233025AAMgPCW

[Moonchild]

"Lay back and enjoy it." is not just for 'differently consented' sexual encounters, including Clinton interns. When faced with our politcal and moral betters, such as Al Gore, blessed be his name, whether to open and receive their gentle wisdom is not a choice, the choice is whether to go home bruised and humiliated or satisfied and blessed. Soon, we'll all have our carbon footprint bound like a six-year-old Chinese girl, and like that girl, we'll be happy and grateful that for the grace and daintiness imparted upon us.

[Fist of Etiquette]

Oh, here we go. You get someone who is so very passionate about his ideals, someone who lives and breathes for the cause of saving humans from themselves and their own selfish ways. So what do you do? You dig through his trash to find whatever "dirt" you can on him.

Al Gore's raison d'etre is to make things right with the planet, so in ten years our children don't have to huddle together in the no longer landlocked state of Kansas, soaking in tubs of SPF 4 billion just to keep from burning to a crisp. So his house uses a little more electricity. As his spokeslady explains, you would be using a little more electricity, too, if you were saving the planet like Mr. Gore instead of destroying it like you are.

This is science. When a person puts on a white lab coat, they no longer can succumb to such human frailties as groupthink or peer pressure or group-serving bias. It's all stonecold logic from that point on. Global Warming is real and if you selfishly ignore the facts just so you can enjoy your gas-powered snowblowers, then shame on you.

My Libertarian friends tell me (when they're not stoned) that the Democrats are using Global Warming as a scare tactic to stay in power just as the Republicans used the threat of terrorism. I just have to laugh. Terrorism is a myth, whereas Global Warming is a proven fact. History is written and rewritten by the victors, so you can't trust it, but scientific predictions are written in granite. That's why they call it science.

I realize this comment is twenty times longer than any of yours. I just feel so strongly about Global Warming that I feel the need to educate everyone on it. Don't worry, I've offset the electricity I've used online writing this by switching off the battery powered marital aids I use to bring my amorous efforts to nightly fruition, even though I have a doctor's note stating that I need them.

[Bubba]

Why does Al Gore lisp when he talks? Has he been hanging out with Bonnie Fwank?

[DoubleU]

I am so glad there are great leaders and wonderful politicians like Al Gore, Hillary and Osamba Hussan Mussolini Bo-bo-bobama to do our thinking for us. These people deserve to use all the fuel and energy they need, while we must suffer for their wise and wonderful ideas of saving us.

[DoubleU]

Remember they are doing it for the children, FOR THE CHILDREN!!!!!

[aha]

Remember they are doing it for the children, FOR THE CHILDREN!!!!!

Don't you mean embryonic parasites? Is that post abortion? Cause if all progressives abort their fe(t)al
matter, whose children will inherit it?

[Che]

Don't they realize that by fighting global warming, Gore and all are greating a breeding ground for new global warmers?

[Arbiter]

I'm making a statue to honor the great Goracle made out of a semi-natural substance: my own boogers...

[Dave]

I'm glad that Mr. Gore(our true president)has risen to the postion of our nations leading ecological commissar!

Here's a way we can get the kids on our side in this fight against global warming:

Two Minutes of hate:

Each day at the start of class a film will be shown.This film will show smokestacks belching smoke and people driving cars. Then it will show polar bears drowning and glaciers melting while Bu$h and Cheney and other key rethugs are laughing in the background.

The words Capitalism, Greed, overpopulation,christianity,The United states will shown over scenes of environmental chaos at a rapid pace. This will whip the kids into yelling, screaming and throwing things at the screen.

Then in the final 45 seconds, we will show a scene of Mr Gore in a green meadow. The camera will close in tight on his face and he will say "I love you and care about you" over and over until the screen goes black. The kids will break out into spontaneous cheers and thunderous applause at the sight of their ecological savior.

what do you think?

[aha]

Arbs, I was thinking along the lines of a new product to replace that horrid plastic clay;
Sculpturds. If the artwork is truly execrable, it will biodegrade naturally. Otherwise it can be preserved and paraded throughout the country. Think of the NEA grants it would generate and how
many starving artists wouldn't have to be out of pocket for material! Renewable and self sustaining!

[Menstrual Rainbow]

{ and not just from the lesbian community }

Lesbians like Mary Cheney?

Repugs don't get global warming, I was showing repug parole officer an article on global warmering by Babs Streisand and he said to me,

"But Mz Rainbow doesn't she have her own private jet that emits far more CO2 in one month than the rest of us do in a lifetime? ".

"Shut Up" I explained whilst spontaneously urinating on his work station, "private jets owned by celebrities are actually good for the world because they help the artistic community deliver their messages of enviromental salvation to the little people, in Hicksville".

[Arbiter]

Very well thought out Aha.. Since the Goracle has been eating for billions, my personal bodily functions will not be enough for the ten foot statue I have planned. I'll be needing loads of donations for this endeavor.

So far my main art supplies are:

1. Boogers
2. Ear wax
3. Defecation
4. Back hair
5. "Eye" boogers
6. Toenail clippings
7. Dandruff
8. Toejam
9. Misc skin and/or soap scum
10.Zit juice.

Any of these sent to me for donation would be greatly appreciated. Note: Only a small amount of back hair is needed, as I can produce tons of this seemingly at will...

[brainsample]

Other activities to earn eco-credits:

1. Protest Bush's immoral war for oil- 1,000 eco-credits.

2. Protest Bush's immoral war for oil in the nude - 10,000 eco-credits. (If you are obese or have imaginative body piercings, 30,000 eco-credits)

3. Politely mention that Dick Cheney's daughter is a lesbian - 2,500 eco-credits.

4. Point out that all the world's problems are caused by Jews - 5,000 eco-credits.

5. Reprimand Barack Obama for practicing the politics of personal destruction while reminding everyone that he is only part-negro, and not married to the nation's first black president- 50,000 eco-credits.

6. Build memorial to Rachel Corrie out of hemp on your front lawn - 2,500 eco-credits.

7. Mention at least once a day that Rush Limbaugh has anal cysts and cut/paste wickepedia info on Bush, posting it multiple times on BlameBush - fire up the Gulfstream baby, you've reached progressive heaven.

[Arbiter]

Whoa brainsample... Back that truck up!!!!!

In reference to number 3, are you announcing on this site that Dick Cheney's daughter Mary is in fact a devout lesbian!?

[DonkeyDick]

Unless we don't not never cut back on our conversation of energy sometime in the future or even in the recent past, the Global Warmers will have won.

I think that's right...

[DonkeyDick]

Sometimes my logic escapes me...

[brainsample]

Arbiter, I've heard whispers to that effect. But Rethugs are so goddamn uptight about this sort of thing, it's up to us progressives to flush this critical information into the open. You know, create meaningful dialogue and all that... and hopefully with graphic pictures. Better yet, video streaming.

[aha]

Arbs you forgot navel lint, armpit and leg hair as well as fingernail clippings.

[Arbiter]

aha,

Once again, your logic (and navel lint) has defeated me...

brainsample,

Mary Cheney is hot! I'd hit that! Err.. I mean... please dispay any media you research to back up your claim.

[brainsample]

Below is a link to an important program to allow us earth rapists to repent and become carbon neutral, complete with poignant bumper stickers to show the rest of the world we care:

http://iowahawk.typepad.com/

Admit it. We're all sinners.

My favorite bumper sticker: "Gaiya is My Copilot-
This Vehicle Powered by Recycled Sanctimony"

[Arbiter]

brainsample, this is brilliant! I have been saved!! I wish rethugs could live in the world of the past where they had to use horse and carriages, outhouses, and slaves with fans to keep them cool.

Meanwhile, we could live in the Goracle's home, maybe moved to John Edwards property.