BlameBush!

Fox Cries Wolf

Our mothers warned us as children that if we told too many lies, Richard Nixon would creep through our bedroom window at night and slit our throats from ear to ear. But she also told us the story of the little boy who cried "wolf", and this time it was much more than just another PCP-induced hallucination. It was a valuable lesson about the importance of honesty, and a lesson that two Faux News journalists seemed to have forgotten.

Faux News is known across the world for it’s utter disregard for reporting the truth. Indeed, they’ve turned lying into an art form, obediently churning out propaganda for the Bush junta since it’s inception in 1996. But when a video was released showing captured reporter Khaled Centanni and his photographer, Achmed Achmed Mohachmed Wiig, denouncing Western civilization and converting to Islam, it appeared as if they might finally start reporting the news from a more unbiased liberal viewpoint. Unfortunately, they are now saying that the statements were completely false, and made at the point of a gun. It seems that Faux News hacks are incapable of telling the truth even when they have guns to their heads.

I wouldn’t be surprised if their conversion to Islam was phony as well. If so, then they owe the Muslim community an apology and an explanation.

Bush Kicks Pluto Out of Solar System

Bush’s big astronomy buddies announced this week that Pluto’s planetary status has been officially revoked, and it is no longer welcome in the solar system. Such is the price of dissent in this day and age.

On the bright side, three “dwarf planets” have been admitted into our celestial community – three new additions to Bush’s Galactic Coalition of the Coerced and the Bribed. One can only wonder what kind of deal he struck with all those poor, naive little dwarves. No doubt it involves stealing their oil.

However, I can’t help but question the timing of the whole thing. It’s just a little too coincidental that three whole planets appear out of their cosmic deep freeze now, simultaneously, without any sort of advance warning, and so close to the November elections.

I’m no astronomy expert. The planetarium at Berkeley was closed in violation of local indecency laws, and at Evergreen they simply fed us mushrooms and told us to write down what we saw. But I know enough about the subject to state with 99.9% certainty that heavenly bodies do not just materialize out of thin air for no reason, at least not for an Evangelical peeResident who favors superstition over science. With Bush conveniently off on another one of his alibi-establishing fishing trips, I doubt we’ll be getting any real answers either from him or the dwarves any time soon.

Bush Outsourcing Transgendered Pedophile Teaching Jobs to Thailand

After confessing last week to the brutal 1997 slaying of Jon Benet Ramsey, John Mark Karr was dragged away from the only place a man such as himself could obtain a teaching job in this economy. Doubts have been raised as to the authenticity of his confession, but whether he admits to the murder is irrelevant. The real criminal here is not Mr. Karr, but George W. Bush – or more specifically, his unapologetic policy of outsourcing all the transgendered pedophile teaching jobs to Thailand.

In the so-called “Land of the Free”, males who voluntarily have their genitals cleaved off and undergo hormone treatment until they sprout unconvincing breasts are treated like freaks. But on the streets of Bangkok, you can throw a dead cat ten feet in any direction and 30 hungry people will pounce on it. According to statistics, twenty-seven of those people are in the process of some sort of sexual reassignment therapy. The numbers are much higher in the States, yet for reasons unknown we are far less tolerant of these unique individuals than we’d care to admit. A woman who shows up for a job interview with a five o’clock shadow, an adam’s apple the size of a small town in Iowa, and a hair-do that looks like one of Dan Haggerty’s armpits has been clumsily stapled to her skull is likely to either be mistaken for Ann Coulter or brusquely shown the door. Such intolerance not only chases our most talented Transgendered Americans out of the country, but creates a society where the major concentration of wealth resides in the hands of naturally born males and/or females.

But it doesn’t have to be that way.

The City of San Francisco, a refuge for those who would be branded as “deviants”, "preverts", or “liberals” in less enlightened cities, has enacted legislation that will earmark hundreds of thousands of taxpayer dollars for a “Comprehensive Transgender Employment Initiative," a noble effort to economically empower transgendered citizens. Money that would otherwise be wasted on hiring cops or filling potholes will now be used to create employment opportunities for San Francisco’s most underappreciated drag queens. Doors of opportunity that have long been slammed shut in the name of common decency are now open, insuring economic equality for all and keeping America's transgendered pedophiles in San Franscisco where they belong.

If only such a program were implemented at a national level, Jon Benet Ramsey might be alive today, free to pursue gender-reassignment surgery of her own. Instead, a beautiful little girl has lost her life, a brilliant man/woman has lost his/her job, and Bush still sits in the White House, installed by his Evangelical masters to insure that no Transgendered American makes a Living Wage.

Flying the Fascist Skies

If you think you’d be safe from Bush’s iron jackboot of oppression 30,000 feet in the air, think again.

I’m not sure when it happened. Perhaps it was part of the same provision of Bush’s fascist Patriot Act that made cockpits inaccessible to average Americans. But apparently, someone squeaked a law through Congress making it a federal crime to pee aboard an airplane.

I’ve peed on planes, I’ve peed on trains, and I’ve even peed on an electric fence with little more than an angry glance from a passing farmer...and possibly sterility. But a Vermont peace activist was brutally tackled to the floor and arrested for urinating aboard a United Airlines flight from London to Washington DC last Wednesday.

Like flag burning and rolling your poop into little balls, public urination is a powerful and under-appreciated form of political expression, popular amongst homeless people and members of the peace movement. Yet the Nazis in the Fascist Aviation Administration insist that dissenting passengers use special “rooms” built onto commercial aircraft expressly for the purpose of urination. It harkens back to the dark days when African-Americans were once made to drink from segregated water fountains, and mobs of angry Republicans lynched every Black man or woman who dared to disobey.

Catherine C. Mayo’s critics have already written her off as a “kook”, but she may very well be the Rosa Parks of public urination - and she won’t be forced to the back of the airplane. Not for George Bush. Not for anyone.

Brokeback Jihad

“You are so beautiful to me
Can't you see?
You're everything I hoped for
You're every, everything I need
You are so beautiful to meeeeeee….”

The Iranian president smiled warmly. It was a beautiful song, and the old man had a beautiful singing voice, but he suspected it was just a trick to soften him up for the trademark Mike Wallace hardball. Strangely though, the hardball never came. Instead, Wallace just sat there all hunched over in his chair, his shriveled, reptilian lips puckering like the anus of a large yak.

In the name of Allah, Ahmadinejad thought, he’s going kiss me!

The Imperious Leader leapt to his feet, abruptly shattering the awkward moment. “Please, Mr. Wallace!” he begged. “Allow me to give you a tour of the Presidential Palace.”

* * *

“You dance divinely,” Wallace whispered into Ahmadinejad's ear moments later. Few could resist the romantic allure of the palace’s Grand Ballroom, yet the President brusquely pushed the old man away. Wallace, unaccustomed to being rejected, couldn’t conceal his anger.

“What’s your problem?” he growled. “Is it the age difference? Well, I may be older than Methuselah’s grandma, but I assure you there’s still plenty of juice in this ol’ caboose!”

He pressed a moistened finger to his sagging tush and hissed through his false teeth for effect. It was enough to send the Ayatollah Khomeini into a wild sexual frenzy only 30 years before, but it only made this young Irianian prince wince with discomfort. Wallace came all away across the globe for some hot Persian man-love but he got nothing but the cold shoulder through the entire interview, and it was driving him to the brink of madness.

“Then it’s because I am a Jew, isn’t it?” Wallace sneered.

Ahmadinejad shook his head. “Islam teaches us to treat all human beings like brothers, emphasis on the words ‘human beings’”.

Wallace sighed with relief. He may be a tease, but at least the man wasn’t an anti-Semite.

“Then what is it?” the old gnome persisted, the hunch on his back pulsing with desire.
“Quit filibustering, damn you, and answer my question!”

Ahmadinejad glared at him under his single eyebrow. A gentle Iranian breeze blew in through the window, carrying with it the scent of sissy boys freshly hung from nearby construction cranes.

“Tell you what, Wallace,” the Iranian leader growled. “We could’ve had a good life together! A real good life! Had us a place of our own, with rabbits…remember the rabbits? But you didn't want it, Wallace! You count the damn few times we have been together in nearly twenty years and you measure the short leash you keep me on. You have no idea how bad it gets! I'm not you... I can't make it on a coupla quickies once or twice a year! You are too much for me Wallace, you Zionist sonofawhoreson bitch! I wish I knew how to quit you!!!”

Their eyes met for a moment, and then the aging journalist began to sing again.

“Time for nighttime prayer,” Aboujinad snapped, turning away walking off into the Tehran sunset.

Those stories and Andy Rooney, tonight on 60 minutes.

Racial Profiling Again, Shrub?

The Worlds Greatest Terrorists have been busy the past few days. Two Muslims were nabbed in Ohio last Tuesday for the terrible crime of possessing too many cell phones. Six Egyptian Muslims were arrested and five more are being hunted down after failing to show up at the University of Montana. Excuse me, but if not going to college makes you a criminal, then the entire GOP should be behind bars.

Then just yesterday, the entire Islamabad Philharmonic Orchestra was rounded up in Great Britain for attempting to board a plane with a bottle of Snapple. So Rummy gets a parcel of new innocents to torture, in addition to the millions of innocent Muslims Bush and Blair have already murdered in Iraq and Afghanistan.

Meanwhile, as the Shrub and his lapdog are patting themselves on their backs, thousands of non-Muslims are waltzing through airport security unmolested.

People like this suspicious character:

Oh my Goddess! It’s a TERRORIST! Get her Bush! GET HER!!!!

What’s the matter, Shrub? Her skin isn’t dark enough for you?

There’s another one, Dumbya!! BOMB THE CRAP OUT OF HIS WEDDING RECEPTION AND HAUL HIM OFF TO GITMO!

No? Doesn’t fit into your stereotypical age group, eh?

How about this guy:

Holy crap, he's BLACK! And he's twenty-two in dog years! And he's on his way to a mosque!
KILL HIM, SHRUB! KILL HIM BEFORE HE GETS AWAY!!!

If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times, and I will say it once more for the hearing impaired: RACIAL PROFILING DOES NOT WORK. Anyone with half a brain and a progressive blog knows that racial profiling restricts the field of suspects down to far too narrow a sample of the population and encourages laziness among investigators.

Besides, in a free, colorblind society, a radical Muslim male attempting to board a commercial aircraft is just a tourist until he starts slashing throats, and then he must be considered innocent until proven guilty. But as it’s been made abundantly clear by yesterday's events, that “free society” we once lived in no longer exists.

Official: Bush Puppet Lieberman No Longer a Flinty-Eyed Maverick

Senator Joseph Lieberman, whose independence, integrity, and willingness to challenge the party’s status quo were considered assets to the 2000 Democratic ticket, has been officially denounced as a Bush Puppet and booted from the League of Flinty-Eyed Mavericks.

The organization’s chairman, Sen. Jack Murtha, explained in an official press release today that while dissent is tolerated within the Big Tent, Lieberman’s constant reluctance to hop aboard the anti-war bandwagon has not only cost him his senate seat, but makes the rest of the party's Flinty-Eyed Mavericks look like a bunch of limp-wristed anti-American weenies. Therefore, Murtha has regretfully removed Lieberman's name from the League of Flinty-Eyed Mavericks rolls. The senator from Connecticut is hereby ordered to return his official Flinty-Eyed Maverick membership card and comedy shades, and is henceforth prohibited from referring to himself a “rabble-rouser”, a “firebrand”, or a "maverick" of any kind. Lieberman's bronze bust will also be removed from the League of Flinty-Eyed Mavericks headquarters to make way for a life-size sculpture of Joe Wilson’s ego.

When it rains it Connecticut, it apparently pours. Lieberman’s deep religious faith, once touted as a symbol of the party’s commitment to family values, is now cited as evidence of his Zionist neo-con sympathies. Therefore, his membership to the Federation of Conveniently Religious Democrats has been revoked as well.

In the wake of his primary defeat, Lieberman has hinted towards running as an independent. But Flinty-Eyed Maverick Jim Jeffords warns that should Lieberman attempt to defy the Party of Inclusion, he runs the risk of being excommunicated and put out to pasture with fellow Bush Puppet Zell Miller.

This One Might Be Faked, Too

By the way, the neocon fascists at The Jawa Report are having more fun than Ann Coulter at a Klan Rally.

Reuters Retracts More Photos Under Cloud of Suspicion

When freelance photojournalist Adnan Hajj’s camera caught shocking images of unbelievable destruction brought down upon the peaceloving Hizbollah people by a brutal Zionist aggressor, little did he know it would cause such a firestorm.

It seems the photographs, published by Reuters and described as "IDF forces marching across a field of human skulls while firing indiscriminately at civilians", were actually publicity stills of a popular Arnold Schwarzeneggar film with Hasidic Jewish hats and beards crudely pasted onto evil terminator robots. Reuters later printed a retraction and apologized for the inconvenience. But as they did with the damning memos proving Bush went AWOL from the Texas Air National Guard to snort coke with Hitler, Digital Brownshirts used the debatable authenticity of the photos to cast doubt upon their accuracy.

An incredulous Hajj insisted he had merely enhanced the images to remove dust that collected on his camera lens, but what he photographed was REAL.

“And it's gonna feel pretty f--kin' real to you, too!” he screamed at reporters as the doctors dragged him away. “Anybody not wearing two million sunblock is gonna have a real bad day, get it?! You think you're safe and alive. You're already dead! DEAD! Bhahahahahaaa!!!”

It was a reasonable explanation, but apparently not enough for the Blog Nazis. Reuters was inundated with hate mail until they had no choice but to terminate Hahjj and retract all the photos he took of war-ravaged Beirut, including his Pulitzer-Prize winning image of a bombed-out FAO Schwartz.

Hajj’s work opened the world’s eyes to a level of devastation unseen in Lebanon since the Cartoon Riots. But thanks to the same Little Green Turdballs who swiftboated Dan Rather, an award-winning photojournalist is now out of work.

But the future is not set. There is no fate but what we make for ourselves. I face mine, for the first time, with a sense of hope. Because if a machine, a Terminator, can learn the value of human life, maybe conservatives can too.

John Kerry Rally Packed with GOP Stooges

The presidential elections are two years away and the right-wing fascists are already up to their usual dirty tricks. At a rally before a throng of loyal Iowa supporters yesterday, Senator John Kerry was surprised to find the audience packed with GOP stooges. As he delivered his nuanced oratory, members of the enormous crowd would spontaneously nod off, snore, break wind, or keel over in a blatant attempt to disrupt his speech. Numerous others mumbled something about Wheel of Fortune and wandered away, leaving a handful of empty chairs to create the false illusion of an embarassingly low turnout. Another obvious GOP plant claimed to be a retired Vietnam Veteran, and complained of severe back pains where he had been “stabbed repeatedly by a fellow soldier in a fashion reminiscent of Jingus Khan”.

“And I didn’t get no Purple Heart for it neither!” he cackled as event organizers escorted him from the premises.

An unfazed Senator Kerry dismissed the heckler with a wave of his hand.

“That’s how these people work,” he told the remaining three supporters. “They can’t stand any opposition so they barge in uninvited and shout you down. But that's okay. As my Iowan mother used to say: We’ve seen it all before!”

“B4?” wheezed a startled old codger in the front row, a flutter of white cards tumbling from his fingers. “BINGO!!!!”