I was scouring the web for more of Bush’s crimes last night when I stumbled upon an interesting news morsel. It seems that when the City of Cleveland conducted a chemical analysis of Fiji brand bottled water, they discovered that it contains dangerously high levels of arsenic – higher even than our own drinking supply.
Which raises the question: exactly why is Bush poisoning the Fijian people? What heinous plot has he hatched now? The answer didn’t come to me as easily as it usually does. Fiji is a major trade partner with the United States and a member of Bush’s Coalition of the Coerced and the Bribed, with over 17 Fijian troops serving in Iraq. English is the official language of the islands, and Christianity is the predominant religion. Needless to say, Fijian womyn have no Right to Choose, and thousands of young grrrls are beaten by their grandparents on the way to the back-alley abortionist every year. All they need is a Fijian chapter of the Klu Klux Klan and it'd be a tropical version of Texas. So at first glance, one can find little reason for Bush to target the people of Fiji for extermination.
But bear with me. Proceed to your local library and find Baghdad on the globe. Using an ordinary black marker, draw a line from Baghdad to Crawford, Texas. Now draw another line from Crawford to Viti Levu, the main island of Fiji. Look closely. Notice anything peculiar? I didn’t either, although I was a bit distracted by all the shouting.
Sometimes, what appears to be a Rovian conspiracy against a sovereign nation state is something as simple as Bush merely wanting a few less brown people in the World. We learned that lesson in New Orleans, and Fiji is learning it now.
Liberal Larry + Lord Xenu in 2008. Let's take back the whitehouse!
Posted by: MMM'BILLY | July 27, 2006 at 07:50 PM
This sucks. I don't want to drink arsonic. Why couldn't the Fiji'ites just have built their islands below sea level like good little Bush victims?
Posted by: Fist of Etiquette | July 27, 2006 at 08:04 PM
I see no other option. We must surrender in Fiji.
Posted by: Dodger | July 27, 2006 at 08:31 PM
NO!
Next they'll be expecting us to bathe in the stuff!
Posted by: Damian G. | July 27, 2006 at 08:38 PM
Larry, my mainest dudest dude... You should realize that the Shrubomatic is totally not behind the arsenicizationizing of Fiji at all. That's just what they want you to do -- get so caught up trying to figure der Bushfuhrer's angle and sh*t that you miss the obvious culprits. Who's that, you ask? The Jooos, man! See, the evil Zionist Hebesters at the Mossad have figured out that trying to beat the progressyve heroes of Hizbollah is an exercize in bogusness that is gonna bring down a world of harsh on their little Joooo-beanies from the combined might of Arab military prowess and international Leftist moral rectitude and competence. So, like, they're gonna have to pack up their Torah-rahs and their Boom-di-yays and sh*t and move somewhere, and the somewhere they've selected is Fiji. They just have to get rid of all those pesky Fijistanians first.
Seriously, dudes. Nostradamus predicted this and sh*t. Look in his prophecies under Century 21, Canto 54-40 or fight:
"A mighty chimp shall take the blame
And the nation of trimmed peckers shall harsh out
While Trogdor lays all to burnination
In Fijianite waters, with dying trout
Burma Shave."
Posted by: Pol Pothead | July 27, 2006 at 08:48 PM
That Dumbya is such a stoopid evil genius Shrubinator!!
He wants to invade Fuji for the film! Haliburton will own it in hopes of putting Kodak, Alaska out of the film business and when the Kodiakans are left helpless from that devastation, he'll invade AK for their oil.
NO BLOOD FOR FILM!
I know they're brown skinned (hence, the Shrubinatoracist hates them) but are the the Fugees Fijian? They must have written an anti-Shrubiburton song.
Posted by: Rocky Mtn. Lioness | July 27, 2006 at 10:19 PM
Fuji, Fiji? I'll have to consult my Ouija board...
Posted by: camojack | July 27, 2006 at 10:29 PM
In light of this felonious foulness, I feel I can't with foolish fervency fault the folk of Fiji for fostering such a fiercely fidgety flock of Fijians!....Fuggedabout it!
Posted by: Rocky Mtn. Lioness | July 27, 2006 at 10:44 PM
Before this quagmire turns into a watery grave of the bribed and coherced of Fiji, I feel we should surrender in IrAquafina.
Posted by: Dodger Wanna-Be | July 27, 2006 at 11:32 PM
Shades of Gilda as Emily Litella
Posted by: John Eyler | July 27, 2006 at 11:45 PM
Der ChimpenReichsFuhrer ist ein schlechter mann.
Posted by: Bush4Ever | July 28, 2006 at 12:51 AM
Dumbya is probably angry that the Fijian golfer Vijay Singh is getting uppity and demanding to play is massah's golf club.
Posted by: Ross | July 28, 2006 at 03:13 AM
After taking a bong hit, it’s pretty straight forward.
Fiji brand bottled water contains water.
Fijian people are Christian who tend to give water away – even to progressyv voters.
What better way to poison progressyvs and decrease the number of liberal voters?
As par for the course, the Top 1% of Tax Payers will continue to enjoy their tax cuts while bloated progressyv’s bodies will be forced to vote from their Fijian graves in the next Ohio election.
Posted by: Talking Toaster | July 28, 2006 at 04:25 AM
I believe that we should petition the Newly Gay Lance Bass to get to the bottom of this.
Posted by: Bush4Ever | July 28, 2006 at 04:51 AM
Of course Chimp wants the brown people of the world dead. He also wants a repressive, hegemonic Xian Empire. This water helps accomplish both.
Arsenic kills. Brown, non-Xians must be 'baptised' to become Xian. Combine the two, and you get arsenic-laced baptismal water.
Non-Xians are shuffled through massive pools and held under the Haliburton-manufactured water of death, converting them to Xianity and leeching lethal doses of arsenic into their bodies, thus poisoning mind, body, and soul. We can look on this burgeoning tragedy as a test case. Fiji today, the world tomorrow. Why do you think Chimp's Crusader Army is building all those 'water-treatment' facilities in Iraq?
Posted by: Moonchild | July 28, 2006 at 05:02 AM
What Moonchild says!
Damn Chimperor is trying to kill all the little brown people of the world. But, Lar, you forgot to mention that golfer V. J. Singh is from Fiji, an idyllic island nation which also sports a very nice golf course. And like how Hitler hated Jesse Owens, clearly Bu$hitler also hates V.J. Singh because he sometimes embarasses AmeriKKKan golfers. I mean, what's some brown guy from little Fiji doing beating the crap out of vastly superior AmeriKKKans on the links, eh?
Therefore, I think the Chimperor is trying to take out the next generation of Fijian golfers. But that's not all, now this white frat boy hegemonist has to figure out what to do with Tiger Woods. Obviously, being a racist, Bu$hitler is this very moment working on that problem and has started a familial genocide by recently offing Tiger's father, Earl. And it's no accident that the name "Earl" sounds very much like how some Texans pronounce "oil". And as we progressyves know, because we excel at connecting-the-dots, in the final analysis its always about oil with Bu$Hitler. So it wouldn't surprise me one bit if some brave, enterprising New York Times journalist leaks the truth there's been a secret discovery of oil on Fiji.
We must continue speaking truth to power.
Posted by: libmeister | July 28, 2006 at 05:45 AM
You can add this to the ever growing list of things that would have NEVER happened if our rightful president John Kerry(who went toe to toe with the viet cong in vietnam)did'nt have the vote stolen from him.
The Fiji point is moot because the ocean will soon cover the island chain due to spread of global warming and ameriKKKan capitalism.
If you give me a second,I will also find reason to blame this on zoinism.
Posted by: Dave | July 28, 2006 at 06:38 AM
Pol Pothead is SO right. I was just looking in my Nostradamus book. Right here is says:
"And the wind shall swell, far away from the lonely house, and those in the guest room look inward and long for fish"
Nostradamus KNEW that NecroShrubya was going to kill the peace loving brown people of Fiji! It's as plain as day!
Gaia! If people would just wise up and read this stuff ... *sigh*
Posted by: Neocon-pincher | July 28, 2006 at 06:53 AM
Dudes, chill. You know what contains arsenic? Smoke. And smoke from green herbs of the earth isn't immune from this, either.
As a consumer who knows that Bush's big industry buddies pollute Amerikkka's drinking water every day, and that DicKKK Cheney's daughter is a lesbian, I regularly fill Puff the Magic Dragon with bottled water as part of my healthy lifestyle.
This study was probably a lab mixup. Some technician swapped samples and was too mellow to notice his error.
The real question is, why doesn't Dumbya legalize marijuana and protect us from these dangerous chemicals? I'd hate to think my glaucoma could kill me.
Posted by: Che | July 28, 2006 at 07:13 AM
Ok, I have the link between Bu$h, Jews and the final solution of the fiji problem. The people of fiji have brown skin. Nazi's (the german kind) wore brown shirts. That means that Bu$h is using the Jew as muscle to kill of all the people of fiji.
There you have it in a nut shell.
progressive know that I'm speaking truth to power. And you rethug trolls say my posts are a desperate cry for help. HA
HA HA!!!
Posted by: Dave | July 28, 2006 at 07:33 AM
Dave, don't over-think it, man.
Joos like travelling in boxcars.
"Travelling in boxcars" is an anogram for "RALL ARSENIC TOXIN GV"
You see, this is a decoded Rovian mind control ray, ordering the digital brownshirts to poison the most talented political cartoonist of our time!
The 'V' is half a 'W', which was probably interference caused by a cheap tin foil hat, but the signature 'GW' is undeniable. Let's see Dumbya prove he didn't send the order!
Posted by: Che | July 28, 2006 at 08:03 AM
Larry, is Fiji any where near Tibet?
Posted by: Arbiter | July 28, 2006 at 08:24 AM
Those poor bribed and coherced Fijians are soooo evian.
Che,
I just got really creeped out by that anagram! Do you realize how prophetic an urgent warning that is?? The Shrubinator is trying to off our animated truth to power skreech..err...sketcher, Ted Rall. Think about it: boxcars...railing RALL? Coincidence?
This is of Nostradamium proportions!!!Hurry!!!!someone, post it at Koz so the whole world will know!!!!!
So like the people of Fiji are Fijians and the people of France like poodles, so does that make them Fifians?
Posted by: Rocky Mtn. Lioness | July 28, 2006 at 08:54 AM
Arbiter, I think Fiji is near Okinawa, but after the progressyve visionary John Murtha demanded AmeriKKKa must redeploy its Nazi stormtroopers to someplace close to Iraq like Okinawa, Okinawa must be somewhere in the Arabian Sea.
Posted by: libmeister | July 28, 2006 at 09:19 AM
Libmeister, thanks for the info. It's flipping amazing that we didn't win the Vietnam war with brilliant strategists like Murtha and thrice decorated John F'n Kerry fighting for us...
Posted by: Arbiter | July 28, 2006 at 09:27 AM