Seven innocent people and one American were seriously injured today as a herd of angry bulls stampeded through the narrow, cobblestone streets of Pamplona, Spain. Usually quiet this time of year, the tiny Spanish villa was packed with mustachioed revelers celebrating the annual San Fermin festival, unaware of the terrible tragedy that was about to befall them. As the bulls raced wildly through the cobblestone alleys, hundreds tried desperately to avoid being trampled or gored, their mustachioed backsides only a few inches away from the crazed animal’s sharp, horn-like protrusions. After killing more Spaniards than the Inquisition, the bulls crashed into the ironically-named “Plaza Del Toros”, where they were finally subdued by flamboyantly gay Elvis impersonators wearing Mickey Mouse ears and brandishing giant martini picks.
No one is certain where the cattle came from or whom they belonged to. At this point, it would be a pure flight of fancy to even speculate as to who was responsible. However, any one of my students will tell you that Texas is the "Longhorn State", make sort of an anxious gurgling sound, and then rush off to the methadone clinic. Spain also drew the ire of the Bush administration when, following a tragic railway accident in March of 2005, a nation that prides itself on displays of fearless male machismo let out a collective girlish squeal and withdrew from his illegal and immoral War on Terror. Bush’s strange appearance in Michigan today has raised eyebrows as well, seeming more like a transparent attempt to establish an alibi than anything else. But if there is any evidence, real or manufactured, that ties the World’s Biggest Terrorist to this unforgiveable attack on the peaceloving Spanish people, it would be Bush's most heinous crime against humanity since he burned that dude in the Nevada desert last year.