This week, Bush announced plans to send 10,000 National Guardspersyns to our southern border to help stem the tide of what some call “illegal immigration”. He assured us that their role would be a purely supportive one, their activities restricted to carrying the Border Patrol's softball gear and handing out Gatorade between innings. But let's not fool ourselves. The troops are headed to Mexico for one reason and one reason only: to torture people.
Torturing people is, after all, what our troops do best. And if there's one thing Mexico has plenty of, it's people. Every year hundreds of innocent men, women, and teddy bear-clutching children with big puppy dog eyes like that velvet painting I picked up in Tijuana pour across our border in search of the American Dream, but now they will find only the stinging humiliation of mishandled Qurans, forced lap dances, and pig-piles of naked Chicanos three miles high. To our murderous troops, these helpless innocents are not human beings who deserve compassion and respect, but merely nameless Latino gonads ready to be hooked up to portable telephones in a fashion reminiscent of Jingus Khan.
Democrats on The Hill are concerned. With most of our troops already torturing people in Iraq and Afghanistan, and thousands more watching Blacks drown in New Orleans, they worry that a prolonged deployment to Albuquerque might be stretching our military too thin - like beef in a Taco Bell Burrito Supreme. But their pleas have fallen on deaf ears.
Obviously, Bush doesn't give a damn about our troops. Vicente Fox's torture chambers will remain open, under new management, and an American Flag.
Thursday night is Ladies Night and Well drinks are always $2 on Wednesdays.
I love you Larry.
Posted by: MMM'BILLY | May 18, 2006 at 07:48 PM
The solution is very clear. With troops lining the border, stemming the tides of the huddled masses, and life blood of our economy, we find ourselves in a terrible predicament. But there is a very clear solution. Bush is hitting an all new low with his evil twisted ways, but worry not, there is a plan. This plan is so great, and so awesome that you may die from ecstacy just from sharing it with you. Thus, I cannot share it, or risk more deaths at Bush's hands and must concede to a lesser form of action: We must all become tulips. It is a well known fact that the only weakness Bush and the troops have is basic math and tulips. Thus, by becoming tulips, we can bend them both to our will. And if we all do so, in large numbers, they will be unable to add our numbers up, further weakening their position. It is very clear now that the jews are responsible for WW2.
Posted by: MMM'BILLY | May 18, 2006 at 07:58 PM
It WILL be difficult to pull the military away from all those other activities you mention.
Posted by: Carol | May 18, 2006 at 08:29 PM
In light of this, I think, er, feel we should just surrender in Iraq.
Posted by: Dodger | May 18, 2006 at 08:45 PM
Larry, although you come from the Seattle area, where the public schools correctly recognize that only whites can be racist, I think you're missing the bigger picture. Sure, our troops are there to do some torture, but I think that the main reason is to keep progryssyves from fleeing to Mexico when the inevitable roundup of liberals begins. Indicted war criminal Rove doesn't want us to escape, so the troops are there to stop us from heading south towards utopian Venezuela, not to keep people from getting in. After all, why would anyone want to come to AmeriKKKa?
Posted by: Bubblehead | May 18, 2006 at 09:34 PM
Bubblehead is so RIGHT...in a leftis...err..Progressyve sort of way.
Lar, about those Ladies nights on Thursdays---surely we can purchase our drinks with food stamps....AND...is there an extra charge for the worm in the bottom of the glass, or is that like a prize? Ay Caramba!...Hey!...How come there's never a worm in the bottom of the bong?
Posted by: Rocky Mtn. Lioness | May 19, 2006 at 12:39 AM
Are they going to the border to keep Mexicans out OR is it actually to keep Americans in? Don't get me wrong I understand that sometimes have to protect their borders like East Germany did when it erected its anti fascist protection barrier, but this is different.
Posted by: Menstrual Rainbow | May 19, 2006 at 01:38 AM
Oh and great find Bubblehead.
Posted by: Menstrual Rainbow | May 19, 2006 at 01:39 AM
Actually, in light of this, the only moral course is for us to surrender to Mexico.
Oh.
We already did that.
Posted by: Bush Ate My Soul | May 19, 2006 at 02:33 AM
From the Seattle Public Schools site:
"Racism:
The systematic subordination of members of targeted racial groups who have relatively little social power in the United States (Blacks, Latino/as, Native Americans, and Asians), by the members of the agent racial group who have relatively more social power (Whites)."
When, oh, when will we lily-white Masters let Blacks into sports? When, oh, when will we lily-white Masters let Blacks into the music industry? And movies? We are just so.....Oppressyve.
Posted by: Bush4Ever | May 19, 2006 at 03:32 AM
Bush4Ever, that definition means that if David Duke were to move to Jamaica he would no longer be racist! I'm not sure they've thought this through.
Also don't we all know that Uncle Toms like Clarance ThomASS and Condaskeeza are racist, despite being melanin enhanced?
Posted by: Menstrual Rainbow | May 19, 2006 at 04:23 AM
It is a well known fact that the only weakness Bush and the troops have is basic math and tulips.
While the idea of becoming a tulip is tempting (Tulips were first cultivated in Iran. Yet another example of Ahmadinejad's genius. Or is it genus in this case?), I for one plan to turn myself into the one thing proven to bring the Chimpenfuhrer to his knees! Dumbya's kryptonite! Yes, I'm becoming a superintelligent version of Oliver Willis.
I'm transforming myself into a pretzel!
Buhuhuhahaha!
On a side note, it is well known that the USSR built their wall to keep Westerners from taking advantage of their Clintonesque health care system. Mexico should build the wall to keep Imperialist Yankees out. Hugo Chavez would do it if he lived in our neighborhood.
Posted by: Che | May 19, 2006 at 05:18 AM
Good use of quotes on "illegal immigration", Lar. Words such as those wound far more than the lash of the slave master's whip. They are the frosting of racism, spread with the spatula of judgmentalism on the cake of injustice which Amerikka has been baking in the oven of hate for the past two centuries.
Posted by: Moonchild | May 19, 2006 at 05:24 AM
Bubblehead: Great link. Nice to know there is at least one bastion of common sense and inclusiveness and sensitivity where the Evil White Man is hated and spat upon for actions taken hundreds of years ago. As a White Male Slave Master Oppressor, I am surrendering to Quannel X.
I believe there is yet another motivation in Bu$h's illegal war with Mexico: To stem the tide of glaucoma medicine and other assorted pain relievers and mind-enhancers. Yes, der Chimpenfuher is attacking us Progressyves where it hurts most: the pharmacy. This EVIL S.O.B. is now taking it upon himself to steal from us Progressyves the means to relieve our glaucoma or to understand the deeper meaning behind The Grateful Dead Live In Europe '72. Even worse, it robs us of our ability to endure an entire Phish concert.
Think about it: If Progressyves are blind and unable to connect with the deeper spirituality hidden in a bag of Cheetos, what choice do we have but to follow his sick, twisted, and immoral agenda in order to relieve our ailments and enjoy the simplicity of a fried mass of pseudo-cheese?
Posted by: Wilderness Fox | May 19, 2006 at 06:01 AM
Well, that does it. My daughter and I are leaving tomorrow for a big family shindig in Tennessee and now this news. We won't be able to have one ounce of fun. The free flowing beer and never-ending poker game? How can that bring a smile to my beautiful 15 year old's face when she will be constantly thinking of our dear Meheekano friends being tortured?
Torture! Ugh!
This will weigh heavily on our minds as we party with our family.
Posted by: bushstolemycarlastmonth | May 19, 2006 at 06:01 AM
I was building my own fence this weekend. My oldest daughter (2 years old) has learned to scale the chain link fence on our patio (usually naked) and sprint to various neighbors' houses. While I normally encourage this sort of behavior as an expression of freedom and life without borders, it's Mormon season in Boise, and I don't want to risk having her run over by a guy in a white shirt and backpack, or worse yet, converted to some non-pagan, non-wiccan religion. Plus, I usually have to put my own clothes on to retreive her.
Anywho... As I toiled in the sun, performing the labor no American should have to do, I made a sinister discovery: Bush buried rocks in my back yard. Specifically, when planting an 8 foot fencepost 24 inches in the ground, I always found rocks twice the diameter of the post hole buried 22 inches deep.
How sinister can the Chimp be? It's like he wants me to get frustrated (lazy) enough to say, "Screw it, I'm hiring some immigrant to do this for me."
So now I'm confused. Does he want to torture Mexicans fleeing Utopia, or does he want to make me want them to come do my work for me? Someone pass the hookah.
Posted by: Che | May 19, 2006 at 06:49 AM
Damn right - you can't torture immigrants. They'll stop crossing the border - then who the hell is gonna sweep my yard and wash my car for $3.75 an hour?
Posted by: Charlie | May 19, 2006 at 07:31 AM
This is what we should do to Bu$Hitler for this! This monster needs to be put of trial for treason, boiled in his own pudding, and tarred and feathered! He has run an illegal war on the rightful owners of this land, and he must be held accountable! I've already started a petition to ask the Mexican people if they would allow me to stay here as an immigrant on their land. I've also asked them to continue my welfare benefits as well. That will show this evil PeeResident what compassion really means!!!
Posted by: Arbiter | May 19, 2006 at 08:00 AM
Mexico floats on a sea of oil. That's the only reason the whole country isn't in poverty. These stormtroopers are being deployed to the border as a show of force, to let the Mexicans know Bush can take their oil at will.
Also, when the GOP gets hammered in November and Bush declares martial law, millions of oppressed AmeriKKKans will try to flee into Mexico. The troops will be there to stop them.
(Nice find, Bubblehead. I liked the part about Asians being a downtrodden race.)
Posted by: Crouton | May 19, 2006 at 08:18 AM
Maybe they'll make fence jumping a new Olympic Sport.
Posted by: OmarTheTentMaker | May 19, 2006 at 08:52 AM
Speaking of TORTURE. At the risk of sounding like I don't support the troops---those despicable, baby killing, freedom fighter murdering war mongrels running that GTMO death camp are refusing detainees the same right St. Michael Schiavo was at least selfless and compassionate enough to grant Terri!!!...TO frickin die euphorically with dignity!!! The Guard(ers of oppression!) tried to stop 4 today and THEN got all warmongrelly-- squelching the inventive genius and creative freedom of expression of the other "detainees" who tried to protect the rights of their Freedom FIghting comrades to do the DWD thing.
Since that house of GTMO horror opened, 39 frickin' TIMES, those Nazi's have stripped the Freedom Fighters of their peaceful, euphoric right!! Terri Schindler schiavo would be appalled!!
Who's to say there won't be another (bigot built) GTMO on this side of the border for our friends who are simply risking life and limb to escape Pres. Fox's Eutopic Mecca of Mejico!!
Posted by: Rocky Mtn. Lioness | May 19, 2006 at 08:56 AM
NO BLOOD FOR BORDERS!
BRING OUR TROOPS HOME FROM NM, TX, CA, AZ NOW!
MR BU$HITLERHALIBURTION, TAKE DOWN THIS WALL!
you know, if you close your eyes you can almost see that all mexican men look like che!
Posted by: Dave | May 19, 2006 at 09:16 AM
" if you close your eyes...."===Dave
Dave!! That's something you NEVER, EVER, EVER do while under Dictator Dumbya's Dominion!!!
I'll do the good Progressyve thing and abstain from a knee jerk reaction & reserve any judgment of you being a RePuKKKe mole--- (by virtue of your comment!) But we ARE watching you, day & night---especially since the Shrubinator has FORCED us to never close our eyes!
Posted by: Rocky Mtn. Lioness | May 19, 2006 at 09:35 AM
Posted by: aelfheld | May 19, 2006 at 09:38 AM
Good use of quotes on "illegal immigration", Lar. Words such as those wound far more than the lash of the slave master's whip. They are the frosting of racism, spread with the spatula of judgmentalism on the cake of injustice which Amerikka has been baking in the oven of hate for the past two centuries.
Moonchild
Your metaphors flow like the seeds of truth borne aloft on the breeze of Clintonian rhetoric, destined to find fertile ground in the ears of liberal ... I mean, Progressyves everywhere.
Posted by: Neocon-pincher | May 19, 2006 at 09:56 AM