The Dawn of a New America

There won’t be a Tower Records or a head shop open for business tomorrow as thousands of progressives plan to walk off their jobs and converge on the nation’s Capitol to forcibly eject the illegal occupiers of the People’s House. Darrow Boggiano of The Political Cooperative - a non-partisan, grassroots organization devoted to doing bong hits while playing Xbox Live - is calling on every patriotic American that values democracy to help him throw out the unelected fascists in the White House and replace them with new ones of his choosing. For the sake of the free world, Bush’s bloody reign of terror, genocide, and tax cuts for the wealthiest one percent of Americans must end. Like that romantic revolutionary immortalized by Swedish historians, Boggiano has led a constant struggle against oppression by wearing his Ché Guevara t-shirt to as many poetry slams and liberal circle jerks as possible. Now, he's ready to bravely sacrifice your lives in order to usher in the dawn of a New America.

Boggiano’s New America will be a nation of peace, not war. No longer will American mothers be forced to sacrifice their sons for illegal wars waged for our own selfish interests and without the sanction of France. Disagreements between governments will be settled by listening to one another, not by dropping smart bombs on weddings and baby milk factories, nor on weddings held at baby milk factories. World leaders will put aside their differences and unite under a banner of friendship, sharing their rescources so that poverty and hunger will no longer plague developing nations. Hate and intolerance will be conquered, universal love and harmony will reign supreme, and Nick and Jessica will get back together I just know they will.

The New America will also be a nation of compassion, not greed. Every able-bodied American will be guaranteed their inalienable right to work, and will be required to exercise that right to provide for those who choose not to. In our New America, greedy oil companies will no longer be able to gouge The People at the pump, for gasoline taxes will be raised to $17 a gallon to discourage The People from driving altogether. The capitalist exploitation of labor will be abolished, and corporations will face severe penalties should they make any more profits off the backs of the working poor. Or if they make any profits at all, for that matter.

Our New America, damn you, will be a nation of love, not hate. Men, womyn, transgendered, polygendered, and nongendered alike will be encouraged to explore their sexuality safe from the disapproving glares of organized religion, and will be free to enjoy a life of marital bliss with small rodents, various forms of poultry, and a wide variety of popular houseplants. Racial bigotry of any kind will not be tolerated, and everyone will be treated equally just as soon as the White Devil has paid his debt for the suffering he’s inflicted on people of color for centuries.

The right-wing media will probably use trick lighting and special effects to make it appear as if the thousands in attendance tomorrow are merely a handful of socially retarded freaks with bad skin and silly hats. They’ll wheel out some clown who claims to be Boggiano, and who will insist that he never really meant to “storm the White House”. It was all metaphorical, he’ll say, like the Bible or the 2nd amendment, and not meant to be taken literally. They’ll even accuse Boopidio of “treason” and ignorantly brand him a "traitor". Yet even though it waddles around and emits a funny sound that ignorant minds might misconstrue as “quacking”, it doesn’t necessarily mean it is a duck. Was Jerry Brown a “duck” when he stormed Harper’s Ferry to end the evil institution of slavery? Was George Washington guilty of “quacking” when he told the United States Senate that his entire army was a pack of war criminals that raped cattle and cut off queues in a fashion reminiscent of Jingus Khan? Countless other brave men and womyn such as those are now hailed as heroes. I am sure that in time, history will vindicate Darrel Boppidius as well.

His mom, however, has grounded him for a whole month. Alas, no one is safe from the iron jackboot of fascism. Nonetheless, Boggiano will fight on. Undaunted by those who insist he got one too many wedgies in high school, he will continue his valiant struggle to make it through the eight level of Elder Scrolls without dying, and won’t rest until the dream of a New America has been realized - for you, for me, for liberty: Boggiano!

Comments

[John Kerry]

It's "JENJUS", damnit! Not "Jingus".

[Jacknife Johnny]

Ok, i have been working long and hard on this chant, and i am new at this,
so please let me know how it is. Ready....

HEY HEY ! HO HO ! HILLARY CLINTON CAN SUCK MY....TOE !

HO HO ! HEY HEY ! ROBERT BYRD IS KKK !

HA HA that was FUN!!!!
But on a more serious note, what is even worse than a S.U.V is those darn 18 WHEELER'S!
They sit and idle all night long! They pollute the atmosphere!They run us libs right off the road!
And it is all BUSHES FAULT!!!
So in order to protest, we must not buy anything ever again!
We must throw out anything that has ever been on a truck!
This means clothes, electronics, furniture, food, our houses, EVERYTHING!!!
and and and that will show them!

JOHNNY.

[RoCkY mTn. LiOnEsS]

Didn't the Nitty Gritty Dirt Band do a song about Mr. Boggiano back in the 70's???:

"I knew a man Boggiano
And he'd chant for you
In worn out memes

With kool-aid hair an old Che shirt
And hemp thread pants
He would be Sheehans dude.

He would get so high
Get so high
Then the SS brought him down.......

Mr. Boggiano...Mr. Boggiano...CHANT!......"

[camojack]

"Our New America, damn you, will be a nation of love, not hate."

Pure genius...

[RoCkY mTn. LiOnEsS]

Couldn't you just hear the John Phillip Sousa music while reading Lar's speech. I almost got chills, it reads so much like the brilliant, empassioned oratory of Martin Luther Belafonte, Jr!!!

[Fist of Etiquette]

Beware the Ides of March, Mister President!!!

Also, beware of following all the links in the professor's diatribe, as you run the risk of having ABBA stuck in your head.

[Bush4Ever]

A freynd of mine who has "hir" ear to the ground in Das Kapital told me that, on 15 March, the jails in WashingTron DC will be filled with Enlyghtened Lyberals, I mean, Progressyves, who simply tried to exercise their ryght to Free Speech. "S/He" also told me that the DC Politzei have also budgeted for fumigation of the cells the next day. That's probably due to all the Evil Reich-Wing KKKonservative KKKhristians who will be going to those cells to spew their hate-filled diatribes at the Peaceful Folk.

[libmeister]

From THX-1138: ALL PRAISE TO THE STATE! (once we take it back by hook or by crook...we need to monopolize the illegal immigrant vote now!)

[LarrysLiberalLackey]

Hey Fist of etiqitte, don't forget that it will be Halliburton fumigating the cells. They just want you to think it's going to be the day after the "March of the Progressives". If I were you, I'd bring a gas mask.

[Dodger]

They have cleverly changed the date from the 15th to the 20th to throw off "The Man". That Bungholio, he's a true inspiration.

[Bush Ate My Soul...]

From their flyer:

"...come for as long as you can and bring signs that say "UN SOS" or "Leave Now" or whatever you would like them to say".

I love to see an active, organized, and engaged Left showing discipline and rigidly adhering to the Pelosi Doctrine:

"There is no one Democratic voice . . . and there is no one Democratic position," Pelosi said in an interview with Washington Post reporters and editors.

[Bush Ate My Soul...]

My sign:

My my, at waterloo boggiano did surrender
Oh yeah, and I have met my destiny in quite a similar way
The history book on the shelf
Is always repeating itself

Doubleya - we were defeated in 2004
Doubleya - we promise to love you for ever more
Doubleya - couldn’t escape if we wanted to
Doubleya - knowing our fate is to be with you
Waterloo- we're finally facing our waterloo

[Bush4Ever]

"don't forget that it will be Halliburton"

It's "HitlerBurton". Please remember that when you...when you...when you...ARRRGGGHHHHH!!!!

HEY HEY HO HO
TELL BU$HITLER HE HAS TO GO

HO HO HEY HEY
MARCH 15TH IS THE DAY

Oh man...I thought I had worked all of this out...I have my Countdown To Freedom Clocks on my desk at work, on my kitchen counter at home, on top of my TV at home, next to my alarm clock in the bedroom...and I thought...I thought...

1-2-3-4
WE DON'T WANT YOUR STINKING WAR

5-6-7-8
BU$HITLER IS THE THUG TO HATE

I'm sorry. I'm leaving before I do any n\more damage...

[libmeister]

Damn that Bu$Hitler. Now he's gone and blew up an earthen dam in Hawaii.

Okay, okay, maybe he didn't blow it up BUT HE PROBABLY USED THE ROVIAN WEATHER CONTROL MACHINE TO MAKE IT RAIN TOO MUCH!!! Disprove that you neo-KKKon reich-wingnuts.

I bet if the local authorities dig deep enough, that's where they'll find at least some of those 10,000 bloated corpses from New Orleans buried there.

[Neocon-pincher]

I will be running next to Bragadocio as we storm the heavily fortified positions at the Capitol building! I am prepared to sacrifice my life in this most valiant of publicity stunts!

I know that I will likely die in this patriotic march to overthrow the government. I have updated my will, leaving my seven pomeranians to my aunt Clara, who, while a facist ReTHUGlican, loves animals. I just hope their liberal ... I mean, Progressyve indoctrination will protect them from her brainwashing attempts during Kibbles time.

I have taken one night for myself and smoked a dozen fatties and made passionate love to Samoan shemale in an all-night Crisco fest. I am now prepared to go to my death, knowing I will awaken in the loving arms of Gaia.

It's time to do the right thing! I am a soldier for true justice! And I am not afraid.

*peeing self just a bit*

[Mr. Nancy Pelosi]

"....and there is no one Democratic position," Pelosi said"

And that came out of the mouth of the post-operatively petrified mouth of the bore in the boudoir!?!?!
Barney Frank is looking hotter and hotter to me with each passing, one position day.

[OmarTheTentMaker]

Too bad Johnny Cochran is dead. Bu$H will probably need a lawyer.

[aelfheld]

I think it was the 'swirlies' that did Boggiano in, not the 'wedgies'. Either that or his habit of inhaling methane.

[Rob Smalls]

Goddamn I love this site.

[RoCkY mTn. LiOnEsS]

"Too bad Johnny Cochran is dead. Bu$H will probably need a lawyer"

And too bad Johnny Carson is dead. Bu$h will probably need the laughter.

Well, What I'm trying to say is that the heroics of these brave Darrow Baguetteians will be the talk of all the world!!! (including, but not limited to late night TV)

Boogiano~~Boxer '08!!..err...'06!

[Che]

Damn it! Now I have Abba stuck in my head. Well I won't suffer alone... If Cindy has taught me anything, it is that silent suffering is wasted suffering.

Can you hear the squirrels Boggiano?
I remember long ago. It must have been, like, Saturday and shit,
We were chillin on your parents' boat
You were mumbling to yourself and softly stroking your ... guitar, yeah, guitar
You told me 9-11 was all fake, a ploy from Mossad,
Moonbat wings: our bugle calls. We came from afar

You sat so close Boggiano
Every hour your musk permeated my clothes for eternity
It seemed a good idea Boggiano
We were young and stupid and none of us willing to die
We yelled, "UN SOS" and "Stop the Draft!"
The thought of guns and selflessness make me pee.

There was something in our bong that night
The stars are right, Boggiano
They all speak so fearlessly,
celebrities, Boggiano
Though I thought we could scale the walls,
Take those hallowed halls, Boggiano
But if I thought about it now,
I'd try to find a way out, Boggiano

[dave]

I know that the repukes have smiles on their faces now, but soon, the smile will be turned upside down as they are railroaded to the "rethinking your hate" camps in upper canada.

The trees of washington will be bent our with the weight of many rethugs.

Rush the pill taker will be draged out of his radio room of hate and have a tire placed around his fat neck and it will be set on fire.

Ann Colter will be ganged raped live on CCN

Many people will have to stand trial at a "peoples court" to pay for their many crimes against the working poor.

It will be so bad that the spirt of Pol Pot will shake his head and say " goddam, you fuckers are of the chain!"

The RepubiKKKan gotterdamerung starts tomorrow!

But remember, we are doing it for the childern!

[Bush4Ever]

The Abu Ghraib files

Our Lyberal, I mean, Progressyve, Brethryn, Systeryn and Othyrs over at Salon.Com are making the sun rays of the new dawn shine brightly by keeping the Spirit Of Abu Ghraib alive!!! This latest re-run of a rehash of photos and videos that everyone on the planet has already seen is truly exciting!! Why word has it that The Monarch Of Massachusetts, Edward Kopechne-Kennedy, himself said that these images of bondage and beatings and torture kept him up all night. Then he turned to Mrs William Jefferson Clinton and said: "And you know what I'm talking about!" Reports say she looked confused. Perhaps she hasn't seen the Magnificient Salon.Com Story yet?

[Bush Ate My Soul...]

I hate you, Che.

I just snorted 5 ounces of iced tea.

[Neocon-pincher]

"Goddamn I love this site"

Thank you Rob. I too feel that Gaia has blessed this place with a deep feeling of love and spiritual creaminess.

As I have never met a persyn of color, nor any other enlytened ethnic subset of Persynkind, called "Rob," I suspect you are a white male. However, you will not be persecuted for this here, as long as you openly embrace Lyberal ... I mean, Progressyve values. As long as you work to redeam yourself from the inherant sins of the white male, you will be accepted. You must eschew hatred, except that hatred directed at ReTHUGliKKKan scum who deserve to die screaming in agony.

Welcome