This year, thousands of hunters will storm the Canadian ice sheets in a bloodthirsty orgy of death, brutally murdering countless baby fur seals and trampling over the last few remaining Beatles in the process. After being bludgeoned with rusty tire irons and skinned alive, they will then be left to die on the ice as their coveted pelts are shipped off to U.S. auto makers and made into SUV seat covers. The fate of the seals is often much worse.
Yet Bush does nothing.
Never before has the hypocrisy of the Christian right been so blaringly obvious. The supposedly “pro-life” Shrub will enthusiastically subsidize the vicious slaughter of fuzzy, helpless, yet incredibly talented musicians, but he will deny a woman her constitutional Right to Choose simply to protect the “life” of an unborn fetus nowhere near as cute and cuddly as a baby fur seal. Indeed, it’s hard to find anything loveable about a lifeless lump of goo that just sits around for nine months, slowly sapping away a woman’s precious life energy. Yet Ringo has grown on us nonetheless, and he’s a damn good drummer, too. A human fetus, on the other hand, serves only to hinder a young woman’s career and severely ruin her ability to party. One look from a baby fur seal’s big brown eyes will make the same woman feel all gooey inside in ways that John Edwards never could, despite what all the focus groups led us to believe.
Since the dawn of time, philosophers have debated the exact moment that life begins. Some say it begins at conception. Others believe it was when Sgt. Pepper was released. But I am sure that we as a society can agree that “cuteness” is a major factor in determining whether something deserves to live or die, just as the amount of Grammies and platinum records a person has is an indicator of how important their opinion is. Christian fundamentalists can go right on living in their magical mystery world where rocking horse people eat marshmallow pies, but until an unborn fetus sprouts fuzzy little flippers and springs out of the womb singing “I Am the Walrus”, the decision must be between the mother and her conscience.
Goo goo ga joob.
Lar,
Are you you sporting your Grandmas lingerie underheath those hemp threads? If I didn't know better, I'd say your RethugliKKKan slip is showing??....Calling Bu$hie "Pro-Life"!! He's clearly ANTI-CHOICE!!
And given the mean spirited poopyheadedness of the Bu$hReich, they'll probably use Heather McCartneys prosthetic leg as a club of off Paul!!
Posted by: RoCkY mTn. LiOnEsS | March 16, 2006 at 11:24 PM
Why are these brave Caribou clubbing seals, you thought they would respect all life eeing as Bush is trying to kill them in ANWR. Has the Shrub forced them to do this?
Posted by: Menstrual Rainbow | March 17, 2006 at 12:15 AM
Heather Mills McCartney ought to watch out, the Jesuslanders will insist he missing leg has a 'right to life' and make her carry it around on her stomach.
Posted by: Menstrual Rainbow | March 17, 2006 at 12:17 AM
Hey, I'm just sitting on a corn flake, waiting for the van to come...
Posted by: camojack | March 17, 2006 at 12:53 AM
They've already hunted the crofts into extinction, and now this? I can't even wrap the jasmine in my mind around the reasoning!
As me ol man used to say, erin go bragh, ya dodgy gobshites!
Posted by: Fist of Etiquette | March 17, 2006 at 03:05 AM
It was bad enough when he went after the Enlyghtened Hollywood Lyberals, I mean, Progressyves, back in the early 50s. Now he has to try and deny Natyve Amerycans theyr ryght to eat natyve foods? When will this horror end?
Posted by: Bush4Ever | March 17, 2006 at 03:07 AM
Like I said yesterday, CLUB SANDWICHES-NOT SEALS. Run for the hills when you see that jack-booted hunting ship heading for your ice-flow. It's Bu$hHitler swinging his big BOHICA (Bend over, here it comes again) STICK!!!!!!
Posted by: OmarTheTentMaker | March 17, 2006 at 05:15 AM
He's going to freeze his blaas off on that ice floe. They probably won't save a single seal, and he may well get assaulted by hunters. He may also become very familliar with Peachblossom.
Still, at least he won't have to listen to Yoko.
Posted by: Che | March 17, 2006 at 05:33 AM
In light of this, I think we should surrender in Iraq.
Posted by: Dodger | March 17, 2006 at 05:33 AM
By the way, "blaas" is not a mis-spelling, as I originally thought. It's the region on a man that is commonly called a "taint" on a womyn.
Posted by: Che | March 17, 2006 at 05:35 AM
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Posted by: Mr. Baldo | March 17, 2006 at 05:53 AM
Today, instead of working for the man, I plan to set back, relax and float down stream. ( it is not dying.....it is not dying....)
sometimes I thing they shot the wrong beatle.
Posted by: dave | March 17, 2006 at 06:20 AM
Are other pop stars going to be available for clubbing? It'd soothe my soul to get in a short, sharp smack on Michael Bolton, Bruce Springsteen, Bono, or (reaching for the heights) Bob Geldof.
Posted by: aelfheld | March 17, 2006 at 06:28 AM
I'm ready to go!
I got my spiked Louisville Slugger™, my 18" Bowie knife and just in case they try to retaliate I have my handy-dandy Model 500.
I even packed a lunch of Manatee burgers and Bald Eagle Hot Wings.
Let me at them baby seals!
Posted by: Joatmoaf | March 17, 2006 at 06:43 AM
Lock & Load!!! We're going to Canada. After we kill every harp seal,,,I mean pop star FREE HEALTH CARE FOR EVERYONE!!!! Can I get my wings x-tra hot?
Posted by: OmarTheTentMaker | March 17, 2006 at 06:48 AM
"Are other pop stars going to be available for clubbing?"
Oooo, I like clubbing with pop stars. How 'bout them Ditsy Chix? All you have to do is throw out a couple "Der ChimpenReichsFuhrer"s or "Bu$Hitler"s and they start performing on the mike...AND YOU KNOW WHAT I'M TALKIN' ABOUT!!!
Posted by: Bush4Ever | March 17, 2006 at 07:04 AM
Here come old harp seal.
He come groovin' up slowly.
He got big brown eyeball.
He one fuzzy roller.
He got hair down to the sea.
Got to be a cute one he just do what he please.
He wear no dead fur.
He got claw-jam football.
He got club seal finger.
He shoot no one ever.
He say: I love you, please love me.
One thing I tell you is this fur ain't free.
Come together.
Right Now.
Over me.
Posted by: Moonchild | March 17, 2006 at 07:06 AM
As all of you know, I'm a vegan, devoted to peace, love (man/boy) and non-violence. However, I could club Ringo in a heartbeat, then run over his head with a tank. Then throw the remains in a wood chipper, mix in some potash and fertilizer, plant some gardinias in him and smoke a fattie with the harp seals and watch the garden grow. But other than that, I'd never harm so much as a bacterium. Certainly never harm a human being in any way, unless he or she were a ReTHUGliKKKan.
Or Michael Bolton ...
Posted by: Neocon-pincher | March 17, 2006 at 07:28 AM
I've yet to hear a good excuse from these reich-wing KKKhristian KKKonservatives how they can possibly justify the execution of admittedly reprehensible rapist-murderers and cold-blooded killers who slaughter innocent Americans and yet condemn the dismemberment of the unborn baby in the womb that we all know is nothing more than a cancerous growth with a head.
Just because American women now abort 1.3 million unborn Americans a year is no excuse to murder 250,000 innocent baby seals. But given that KKKonservatives are a bunch of neanderthals, and neanderthal cave men were probably wearing fur clothing, then it stands to reason those recessive gotta-wear-fur genes are still floating around in the KKKonservative gene pool.
Posted by: libmeister | March 17, 2006 at 07:44 AM
Vegan?
You drive a Chevy Vega?
Posted by: Joatmoaf | March 17, 2006 at 07:45 AM
In the midst of all our Bu$Hitler-Generated misery, there IS a ray of hope and happiness:
Gay Pol to Skip St. Patrick's Day Parade
I think that this is SO fabulous!! An Enlyghtened One will be merrily skipping the entire route of the parade showing the s/he is hir own persyn!!! Take that you KKKonservative KKKhristian Haters!!
Posted by: Bush4Ever | March 17, 2006 at 07:46 AM
Why won't they be allowed to a Death With Dignity?
Posted by: PTPFP | March 17, 2006 at 07:53 AM
Me and my band "Jump, Little Eichmanns, Jump" will be covering a lot of beatles tunes on our " Books not bombs" tour of high schools. We seem to be the favorite band of a lot of teachers these days...
some songs we'll be doing:
hey joooooooos ( hey jude )
Baby you can drive my car ( as long it's not an gaia raping suv)
baby your a rich man ( you capitalist thug)
Ticket to ride ( public transportation)
Fool on the hill ( song about the rethuiKKKan congress)
here comes the sun ( a song about global warming)
and many more.......
Posted by: dave | March 17, 2006 at 07:54 AM
"Baby you can drive my car ( as long it's not an gaia raping suv)" ...that my family owns...not me...I just ride in it...I don't actually own it
"baby your a rich man ( you capitalist thug)"...as long as you're an Evil Reich-Wing KKKonservative KKKhristian Re-Thug-li-KKKan thug...The Monarch of Massachusetts, Edward Kopechne-Kennedy, Nancy Pelosi, Barbara Boxer and Diane Feinstein are exempt, despite their being millionaires because they are Enlyghtened.
Posted by: Bush4Ever | March 17, 2006 at 10:09 AM
I've already started refering to the fetus that womyn excercise their Constitutional Right to Choose to chuck as "tiny Eichmans." They're so gross and depressive looking! They would just grow up to be Neo-Cons anyway, so we're actually doing them a favor!
I mean really, only decent folks like Mellissa Ethridge should be allowed to even think about getting a clump of spermy egg cells fertilized. We need to force all of the Nazi Neo Cons Bible Thumpers to abort those "tiny Eichmans" or else they'll make us live in an oppressive regime!!! Do we really want to live in a Nation of Dick Cheney's!? (Whose daughter Mary is a devout Lesbian!?)
Posted by: Arbiter | March 17, 2006 at 11:58 AM