Take heed, all you Christian conservative wackos who think you have a direct line to the big guy upstairs, for God has finally abandoned you and joined the winning team!
Fed up with your lies, your war mongering, your profiteering at the expense of the poor - not to mention your antiquated views concerning abortion, gay sex, and the euthanization of the sick and elderly - God has cancelled his contract with Pat Robertson and is now speaking exclusively through Democrat politicians. In an impassioned speech at yesterday’s Martin Luther King Day ceremonies in New Orleans, Mayor Ray Nagin described how the good Lord descended from the heavens and told him that Hurricane Katrina was not sent by Bush as previously believed, but rather by the Creator himself as punishment for the Shrub’s illegal and immoral war in Iraq. God then went on to condemn Bush’s domestic spying program, his refusal to ratify Kyoto, and his tax cuts for the wealthiest one percent of Americans.
When Nagin asked how to make things right again, God cocked His giant pimp hat and replied that New Orleans had become a "Zone of Zero Funkativity" and needs be “mo’ choco-licious”. He directed Nagin to “unite the Thumpsaurus Peoples into One Nation of Electric Spank”, under “the Law of Supergroovalisticprosifunkstication”. He then zapped Nagin with his cosmic Bop Gun, hopped into His Mothership, and returned to the Planet Funkadelica.
Nagin’s magical Paul of Tarsus moment wasn’t the only divine intervention experienced by Democrat leaders yesterday. While slamming the GOP-controlled “Plantation of Representatives” at a Harlem church yesterday, Sen. Hillary Clinton suddenly broke into a deep baritone rendition of “Old Man River”. A sign from above, perhaps, that she’s ready to become our first Black female president. President Al Gore babbled incoherently for three hours before it was realized that he was actually in a state of grace and speaking in tongues.
Democrats have always been very close to God during election years, but it comes as a complete surprise to all of us that He actually exists. I always assumed that He was just a fictional boogeyman the cons made up to lay a guilt trip on everybody and ruin our good time. But as long as He remains nonjudgmental and doesn’t try to force his morals on anyone, he’s more than welcome in the Big Tent.
I think what the United States is missing is a city with a culture based off of old "Blacksploitation" films. Black Orleans.
Posted by: Dork | January 17, 2006 at 10:58 PM
If God is truly a progressyve, then surely He would have sent Hurricane Katrina directly to Enron headquarters, where Bu$h and his KKKronies plotted to steal the stock money of so many hardworking employees..... at least, that's what I thought before my last few bong hits, after which I discovered that the Almighty sent the hurricane to New Orleans in order to highlight the incompetence and racism of Adolf Bush and his administration. In order to complete God's mission, we must impeach the Chimp immediately.
Posted by: Sen. Durbin | January 17, 2006 at 11:41 PM
Darryl Dawkins Chocolate Thunder City!
Posted by: Campagna | January 18, 2006 at 12:27 AM
They say God works in mysterious ways...like takin' it out on "Nawlins", instead of going to the source.
Posted by: camojack | January 18, 2006 at 12:46 AM
I don't see what's so mysterious about it. Death With Dignity is one of the highest honors in our nation and God very specifically bestowed it on some of our best and brightest. Besides, Bush was going to kill them anyways. At least God did it the moral and ethical way; through drowning, suicide, being shot, etc.
Posted by: MMM'BILLY | January 18, 2006 at 01:06 AM
Dork, good suggestion for a name for New New Orleans...Black Orleans.
Black Orleans...We will rebuild our city. Then, due to our natural, inborn tendencies to anger and violence(Libs. will say we're poor and black), we will redestroy it in 3 days.
Posted by: Kiki B. | January 18, 2006 at 01:06 AM
P.S. That God controlled by Shrub ain't got nothin' on us po', black folks(the regional colloquialism would be Niggah).
Posted by: Kiki B. | January 18, 2006 at 01:09 AM
God (through Nagin) apologized for those remarks.
Posted by: Fist of Etiquette | January 18, 2006 at 02:36 AM
Y'all crakahz is crazy!
Posted by: Bush4Ever | January 18, 2006 at 04:21 AM
Don't be so hard on Ray Nagin. Nawlins should remain a chocolate city---who the hell wants it anymore?
Posted by: OmarTheTentMaker | January 18, 2006 at 05:03 AM
See, you knuckledragging religious KKKonservatives. It wasn't a matter of God not being on the side of atheist/seculars/progressyves, it was just a matter of us finding our political voice to begin invoking God's judgment upon eeeeeeevil AmeriKKKa. Pat Robertson has nothing on our Ray Nagin!
Posted by: libmeister | January 18, 2006 at 05:05 AM
Just heard a progressyve black caller on that reich-wing radio talk show, Rush Wimpbaugh, giving the host a good ol' progressyve one-two. The caller said if Jesus was alive today "Jesus would be a liberal."
How profound, I thought to myself. He's right. Jesus would be for the aborting of babies, encouraging men to plunge their pro-creative parts in the anal cavity of another man, would desire for little Jimmy to have two mommies, be on the side of Muslim freedom fighters and would oppose any duly elected government in using the sword against criminals, terrorists, and troubling anarchists. I mean, Jesus was really nothing more than a dope smoking proto-hippy! Now where's that bong?
Posted by: libmeister | January 18, 2006 at 05:10 AM
Frankly, God is going to need to step up a little more than reaching out to the black community and anointing Naigin as her spokespersyn. She has a record of judgementalism which stretches from Sodom to Gomorrah and all the way to Jericho. She'll also need to move into the mainstream on abortion.
If she'll do that and renounce her elitist position on being the Alpha and Omega, the creator of all things and acknowledge Ms. Rodham as the DNC's personal savior, we can begin negotiations about her non-progressyve tithing scheme.
Posted by: Moonchild | January 18, 2006 at 05:17 AM
Thank you, Moonchild, for being the first to speak truth to power, i.e. that we need to be veeeerrrrrry skeptical of this "God" (I prefer the gender-neutral "Godde") that has chosen to manifest her/him/itself to His Honor the Mayor in his hour of turmoil. How do we know it was truly a benevolent, progressyve, secular Godde who spoke to Ray? Don't forget that KKKarl Rove continues, even as we type, to tinker with his evil mind control apparatuses (apparati?). That, and Bu$h just made me lose a contact lens, damn that shrub.
Posted by: The Den Mother | January 18, 2006 at 05:49 AM
Of course Jesus was a lybyryl!
His mother had never lain with a man.
His stepfather mounted an ass right before his birth.
He received government subsidies from the three kings from the moment he was born.
He avoided military service.
Recent documents suggest that, while working in construction, he helped found the Local Carpenter's Union after his L&I claims were refused on the grounds that he could just lay hands on himself and be healed.(Side note: The fact that Jesus worked in construction does not mean he would have driven an SUV or pickup. A sheet of 5/8" sheetrock can be carried quite comfortable on top of a Prius at slow speeds. Contractors are expected to be late, anyway.)
He was black like the Clintons.
He was Jewish (But not a Zionist, mind you.) like Babs.
The Jooooos conspired against Him, just like Al Sharpton.
When His friends got the munchies, He was able to turn bread and fish into nachos.
He protected wildlife and healed the leopards, just like Al Gore.
Like Ted Kennedy, He was pulled off amazing feats to avoid drowning.
He made the crippled walk, just like John Kerry.
Posted by: Che | January 18, 2006 at 08:03 AM
Did the Holy Mayor mention anything about Godde coming back to get us and bring us all to planet Funkotron?
I am folding my black sweat outfit and brand new Nikes as I type this!
Posted by: Arbiter | January 18, 2006 at 08:07 AM
God actually came to me in a dream last night and instructed me to tell you that what he really wants is a chocolate plantation.
In this manner, democrats in the house and senate can labor in the fields to make all of the chocolate required to rebuild New Orleans. Once a proper Chocolate New Orleans is built, God will then return to earth for judgment day, raising all of those who are tolerant, non-judgmental, and multicultural with his right hand and damning all of the oil loving, imperialist, republiKKKan thugs with his left.
http://dicklist.blogspot.com
Posted by: TDL | January 18, 2006 at 08:18 AM
Damn that Bu$h!!!! Do you think those Goose-Stepping Nazi Police will continue beating drunks in full view of the media?
Posted by: OmarTheTentMaker | January 18, 2006 at 08:37 AM
Che: I borrowed your wisdom for a thread on my blog. In light of monetary royalties to you, I have made a donation to the Mayor Nagin New Orleans Chocolate Fund for a darker (and thus better) New Orleans.
Remember: The blacker the berry, the sweeter the juice (and the more oppression you have experienced by the Evil White Slave Masters; thus, a bigger payout once reparations are finalized).
Posted by: Wilderness Fox | January 18, 2006 at 08:45 AM
This is the funniest post in recent memory. And that's saying a lot.
Posted by: Red Loser | January 18, 2006 at 08:52 AM
So now it's ok for progressyves to start invoking God again?
This really pisses me off!
It's taken me 5 years and $50,000 worth of Scientology counseling to deprogram all the catholic bullshit that was crammed into my brain (and my other orifices as well, if my recovered memory and lawsuit against Cardinal Mahoney are successful.)
And can somebody please tell me what I'm supposed to do with my velvet Gaia painting?
Posted by: brainsample | January 18, 2006 at 09:01 AM
Does it count if the Hershey company is considering opening up a "chocolate" factory in New Orleans?
Mayor Nagin should step down and let the REAL Mayor of New Orleans shine:
Willy Wonka!
Posted by: Arbiter | January 18, 2006 at 09:17 AM
Lib Larry:
It's a good thing that Ray Nagin didn't call for New Orleans to become a "Vanilla New Orleans"...
...that would be racist.
Regards;
Posted by: Bilgeman | January 18, 2006 at 10:13 AM
Are you saying God is a switch-hitter?
Posted by: aelfheld | January 18, 2006 at 10:14 AM
What up dog?
I picked up a bible the other day.( I'm glad that us libs like god now, My eyes used to burn and I would throw up when I used to see a bible)
This is what I found just looking in it...
The right to an abortion on demand.
The right to always have a dem in the white house.
The right to FREE health care.
That jesus guy ran the rethugs/nazis out of the temple.
That the jews were trouble makers from way back.
That one day, jesus will judge the bushalburtion war machine and cast him and his menions into hell.
peace out, dave
Posted by: Dave | January 18, 2006 at 11:07 AM