Bush Kills Last Remaining Whale in River Thames
Things are pretty hectic at Seattle Hemp Products right now and blogging will continue to be sparse for the next few days. As you can imagine, I’ve been putting in extra hours trying to keep up with the incredible demand for our new line of hemp ass mats emblazoned with the Seahawks logo. I, of course, strongly protested such a blatant form of capitalism, but the boss assures me that we’re only exploiting beer-guzzling football neocons who have it coming. After work, all my free time has been spent scribbling away at my response to the Shrub’s “Disgrace of the Union” speech this Tuesday. I’m sure it will be his usual litany of lies, and the right-wing controlled media will help him once again by waiting until after his speech to air the Democrat rebuttal.
Anyhoo, out of all of Bush’s felonious actions that I’ve been unable to comment on this week, the one that cut me most deeply was his brutal murder of the very last bottlenose whale in the River Thames.
Not so long ago, the Thames teemed with life. Whales, sharks, sea turtles, marlins, amphibious rabbits, and even the great horned beaver all called the river their home. But while the wealthiest one percent of Americans enjoyed their huge tax cuts, the once plentiful population of bottlenose whales dwindled to near extinction. Indeed, it has been years since anyone saw a whale in the Thames at all, and the sudden appearance of one last week became quite the public spectacle. Sadly, the jubilance over the whale’s return to the river was short-lived, for the majestic creature expired within sniper's range from the Bush family’s posh London retreat. No more will Sandy and Bud frolic amongst the British everglades with their fine flippered friend, for the last remaining bottlenose whale in the River Thames has joined the long list of Bush’s innocent victims.
Millions of whales die every year on Bush’s watch. Millions more while he’s not watching. Certainly, some of these deaths are from purely natural causes. Others are from mysterious self-beachings, perhaps done in protest of Bush’s reckless environmental policies - or simply to exercise their Constitutional right to die with dignity. But make no mistake, Bush is as responsible for that poor whale’s untimely demise as he would be if he paddled out there in a canoe and whacked it with an oar.
If there’s a better reason for congressional Democrats to block the extremist Alito’s confirmation next week, I don’t know what it is. I hope Senator Kerry exhibits the same tireless dedication towards saving the whales from Bush as he did to saving America from victory in Vietnam.
Die! Die with dignity, Thames whale!
Posted by: Donnah | January 26, 2006 at 09:28 PM
If Bush had just signed Kyoto instead of cutting pollution this wouldn't have happened. I don't need to make sense, jerk!
Posted by: Dork | January 26, 2006 at 10:13 PM
Mmmm, whale!
I have it on good authority that my first ancestors (the non-native ones) to arrive on this continent did so in order to pursue said behemoths...before it became non-"P.C." to do that, of course.
Posted by: camojack | January 26, 2006 at 10:15 PM
Speaking of bottle noses.....as if the Cowboy Peeresidents killing of the two Thames whales wasn't enough....Poor Helen Hubba-Hubba Thomas got the Shrub Snub today, too.
Obvious, to everyone but him is that he's simply bedazzled by her beauty. I'm sure, fearing a divided heart on his part, the First Stepford Wi..err..*Lady*, who was gulping for air last time he heard he had spoken with Helen (of Troy) has told him never to speak to her again!!
Posted by: RoCkY mTn. LiOnEsS | January 26, 2006 at 11:16 PM
I heard it was all because of Bu-shaitan's warlike use of active sonar... the fiend will stop at nothing!
Posted by: Bubblehead | January 26, 2006 at 11:17 PM
Good evening, my fellow bloggers and Proffesym Chomstein.
This is my State of the Blogosphere report based on the progress we have made since our last communication.
There are days when our fellow citizens do not hear news about the war on terror. There's never a day when I do not learn of another threat, or receive reports of operations in progress, or give an order in this global war against a scattered network of killers thanks to Proffesym Chomstein and your help. The war goes on, and we are winning. America owes you a great debt of gratitude.
To date, we've arrested or otherwise dealt with many key commanders of al Qaeda. They include a man who directed logistics and funding for the September the 11th attacks (Bush4Ever); the chief of al Qaeda operations in the Persian Gulf internet cafe community, who planned the bombings of our embassies in East Africa and the USS Cole (Dodger); an al Qaeda operations chief from Southeast Asia who ran their Magna comics operations (libmeister); a former director of al Qaeda's goat training camps in Afghanistan (Menstral Rainbow); a key al Qaeda operative in Europe named Tony Pentin, nabbed in Cardiff, Wales, coded-named 'Limey'; and a major al Qaeda leader in Yemen (Omar the Tentmaker). All have been arrested, tortured, and turned into cooperating sources. All told, more than 3,000 suspected terrorists have been arrested in many countries. Many others have met a different fate. Let's put it this way -- they are no longer a problem to the United States and our friends and allies.
We are working closely with other bloggers to prevent further attacks. America and coalition bloggers have uncovered and stopped terrorist conspiracies targeting the American embassy in Yemen, the American embassy in Singapore, a Saudi military base, ships in the Straits of Hormuz and the Straits the Gibraltar. We've broken al Qaeda cells in Hamburg, Milan, Madrid, London, Paris, as well as, Buffalo, New York.
We have the terrorists on the run. We're keeping them on the run. One by one, the terrorists are learning the meaning of American justice, blogstyle.
I thank the Congress and the bloggosphere for supporting these measures. I ask you tonight to add to our future security with a major research and production effort to guard our people against blog-terrorism, called Project Blogoshield. The budget I send you will have almost $6 billion to quickly make available effective attacks and defenses against agents like al Quaeda, islamic terroists, Barbra Streisand and Micheal Moore. We must assume that our enemies would use these organizations as weapons, and we must act before the dangers are upon us.
Since September the 11th, our intelligence and blog enforcement agencies have worked more closely than ever to track and disrupt the terrorists. This website, under the estemed leadership of Proffesym Chomstein is improving its ability to analyze intelligence, and is transforming itself to meet new threats. Tonight, I am instructing the leaders of the FBI, the CIA, the Homeland Security, and the Department of Defense to develop a Terrorist Threat Integration Center, to merge and analyze all threat information in a single location. This Terrorist Threat Integration Center will be the nexus of our combined efforts and will be headed by Proffesym Chomstein. Our government must have the very best information possible, and we will use it to make sure the right people are in the right places to protect all our citizens in an constitutional and ecologically friendly way.
Thank you all, and God Bless America.
Posted by: President George W. Bush | January 27, 2006 at 01:04 AM
"Not so long ago, the Thames teemed with life. Whales, sharks, sea turtles, marlins, amphibious rabbits, and even the great horned beaver all called the river their home."
Don't forget the Caribou!
Anyway something about this story doesn't add up-
"Thames whale died of dehydration due to food scarcity"
http://www.earthtimes.org/articles/show/5126.html
Now I'm no expert but I'm pretty sure that the Thames is WET!!! So how did halliburton manage to dehydrate it? Being an acknowledged expert on whale communication I can only speculate that the whale stumbled on a secret American underwater research base searching for oil in the Thames, and was trying to communicate that to Londoners via the medium of dance.
Posted by: Menstrual Rainbow | January 27, 2006 at 05:05 AM
BOOOOO!!!! YOU DON'T GET TO TAAAALK! BOOOO!!!! 9-11 was an inside job!! Drive out the Bush regime! FASCIST! HITLER!! GEORGE BUSH EQUALS HITLER! KARL ROVE TAKEOVER!!
Posted by: Dork | January 27, 2006 at 05:10 AM
Whale Steak
4 portions
4 slices of whalemeat @ 150 - 180 g
Salt and pepper, preferably freshly ground
4 onion rings
2 dessert spoonfulls of finely diced green or red peppers
1 dessert spoonful of finely diced parsley
1 dessert spoonful of finely diced gherkins
Carve the meat into slices of about 1.5 to 2 cm thick, beat them with your hands and press them into shape. Preheat the frying pan and melt some butter in it. Brown the butter before adding the meat. Fry the steaks on both sides. Whale meat should be fried for about 4-5 minutes on each side. The steaks taste best when they are medium rare, but they should be warmed right through and not eaten raw. Serve the steaks on a plate, place an onion ring on each of them and fill it with peppers, parsley and gherkins. Potato scollops taste good together with the steaks. Serve with a bowl of good, crisp lettuce and salad.
Posted by: Bush4Ever | January 27, 2006 at 05:11 AM
'I tell you, men, they task me, and I shall have them. I'll chase them around Good Hope, and Round the Horn, and round the Norway Maelstrom, and round perdition's flames before I give them up! And this is what we've shipped for, men. To chase those whales on both sides of land and over all sides of earth, till they spout Black Blood and roll fin out!' - George W. Bush, campaign promise - 2004.
Posted by: Moonchild | January 27, 2006 at 05:11 AM
You...Re-Thug-li-KKKan bastard! You've killed...the whale!! You...Re-THUG-li-KKKan bastard!!! You've...KILLED...the whale!!
Posted by: Bush4Ever | January 27, 2006 at 05:24 AM
Makes me want to blubber just thinking....er, feeling about it. Damn that Bu$haitan! I bet he has a "Nuke the Whales" bumpersticker on the back of his Ford F-250 pickup truck. Hitler!
Posted by: libmeister | January 27, 2006 at 05:24 AM
"Thames whale died of dehydration"? Wait, I don't understand something. I thought we learned from Terri Schiavo that dying with dignity from dehydration was an euphoric experience?
Hmmmmmm, I guess its just like that Shrubya to turn the euphoric experience of the Thames whale INTO A LIVING DEATHMARE of one of Gaia's beloved creatures! IS THERE NO JUSTICE?
Posted by: libmeister | January 27, 2006 at 05:28 AM
Now I'm no expert but I'm pretty sure that the Thames is WET!!!
You've obviously never been to London in the winter. The Thames is one of the driest parts of the country. It's like their version of Death Valley. How appropriate...
The Carter link reminds me of an English documentary I saw about killer rabbits with great pointy teeth. It also featured a fearsome taunting Frenchman. Terrible creatures, both.
Posted by: Che | January 27, 2006 at 05:40 AM
Shrub's NSA domestic spying program strikes again! via the DU
The Chilling Effect of the NSA Spying (a personal story)
When you get right down to the “nitty-gritty” of this NSA Spying on Americans scandal, you realize how chilling the entire fiasco is. We’ve concentrated on how this spying program shredded the 4TH Amendment rights against unreasonable search and seizure, and how Americans used to be able to feel secure in their own homes, but it stands to be even more damaging to our 1st Amendment rights. You need look no further than me to see an example of how this chills free speech. The chilling may be subtle..., but it is chilling none the less.
Because of this program, I find myself reluctant to post on DU. Now, most of you may know that I’m an active duty Naval Officer. I suppose if they came after me because of my “political leanings”, (and believe me, being a bleeding heart liberal Naval Officer, is like being the fat kid in dodge-ball) I could claim “selective” prosecution. I suppose if they were to come after me, they would have to go after all the Freaker Repuke-lick posters as well. They would also have to go after the Army soldiers in Iraq that sent pictures to the Rush Limp-balls site of them in their “Club Gitmo” t-shirts…, but that is not the point.
The point is that I don’t feel safe anymore to freely speak my mind. There is no reason that I should feel this way, other than the facts that a) I am a liberal Democrat, b) I oppose this administration’s policies, and c) at any given moment, the NSA might be listening.
In a free society, in a society without government eavesdropping, in an America I used to know…this would not be an issue. Yet, I find myself, even now, hitting the back-space button, and thinking twice about what I’m posting. Knowing that at any given moment, the NSA might be “checking me out”, I find myself holding back, or tempering my disdain for this administration. I choose my words, written and spoken, more carefully these days. If that is not a “chilling” effect on free speech…I don’t know what is.
The other day talking on my cell-phone to my bride, we began to talk about the latest outrage from the criminals in the White House, and I found myself feeling the need to “watch what I said.” Granted, it was just a little subtle feeling in the back of my head...but why should I even have that feeling?
Perhaps this is nothing new. Perhaps the NSA has long had the ability to monitor every e-mail I send and every phone-call I make. Perhaps I’m just being paranoid, but then again, I've heard that a paranoic is someone that has a pretty good idea what is really going on.
The lack of judicial oversight is so critical to this issue. I know I would sure feel a heck of a lot safer, and would be a heck of a lot "free-er", if I knew that the NSA had to convince a judge that I was somehow a threat to National Security, before, or after they spy on me. I would feel safer, because I know that any judge in their right mind would laugh them out of court if they tried to say I was a threat. I would feel safer, because even if a Repuke rubber-stamp judge ruled in their favor, I would still have an opportunity to refute their evidence, and make a case for myself, or at least know that I was being targeted. Without judicial oversight, I don’t feel so safe.
That’s the problem with this whole “spying on Americans” crap. They may tell us that it’s not designed to encroach upon, or limit our rights to free speech…but it already has.
Am I allowed to say that?
-maxrandb of the DEMOCRATIC UNDERGROUND
I still say Larry is more progressyve. Though this man is to be credited for knowing what's really going on. DID THAT TOASTER JUST TALK?!!
Posted by: Dork | January 27, 2006 at 06:01 AM
Lib Larry:
" But make no mistake, Bush is as responsible for that poor whale’s untimely demise as he would be if he paddled out there in a canoe and whacked it with an oar."
Quit yer damned whining Chom-steen!
Did you have a BETTER place for me to dispose of a 55 gallon drum of used paint thinner?
How was I to know that "Willie" had asthma?
And before you go tilting at windmills again, I LOVE marine mammals, if I didn't, would I give 'em all the free oil changes?
You think that it's as easy as opening a few valves and turning on a pump, huh?
Take the long view Chom-steen...sharks gotta eat, too.
The chunks of rotting flesh that were once "Willie" will be recycled into something new and wonderful again...
...and then we can catch that something in a net, scrape off it's skin, rip out it's guts, tear out it's bones, roll it's flesh in beer batter, fry it in hot oil, and serve it with malt vinegar and "chips" on a piece of broadsheet news-print.
Mmmm-mmmm good!
Posted by: Bilgeman | January 27, 2006 at 06:15 AM
I'm deeply distressed, Larry, that you would compare Bu$h's mass extermination of The Whales with Jimmy "Nobel" Carter's brave attempt to defend himself and all of non-white, non-western, non-KKKristian civilization from an evil neo-con rabbit.
Sometimes I worry about you.
Posted by: The Den Mother | January 27, 2006 at 06:30 AM
Bu$h kills whales, for the OIL!! You should see how many boats KilliBurton has.
Posted by: Dodger | January 27, 2006 at 06:38 AM
There is a far more sinister agenda here than any of my Progressyve friends here seem to realize. This was not simply another act of brutal Earth-rape from BushCo and his radical Gaia-hating neocon fascist overlords.
No, it was just another attempt to thrust his so-called "family values" down the collective throats of the Gay-Lesbian-Transgendered-Other community. The ChimpenFuhrer can't abide the sight of homosapian/cetacean love, and so another innocent life form has paid the price of his narrow-minded heteronormative world view. No more will we see beautiful, natural love stories like this:
An unusual wedding ceremony was held in the southern resort town of Eilat on Wednesday, as Sharon Tendler, a 41-years-old Jewish millionaire from London married her beloved Cindy, a 35-years-old dolphin, Israel's leading newspaper Yedioth Ahronoth reported Thursday.
The groom, a resident of the Eilat dolphin reef, met Tendler 15 years ago, when she first visited the resort. The British rock concert producer took a liking to the dolphin and has made a habit of traveling to Eilat two or three times a year and spending time with her underwater sweetheart.
"The peace and tranquility underwater, and his love, would calm me down," the excited bride said after the wedding.
After a years-long romance, Tendler decided to embark on the highly unusual path of tying the knot with her beloved dolphin. Last week, she approached Cindy's trainer Maya Zilber with the extraordinary request.
Zilber accepted the challenge and "talked the idea over with the fellow," who apparently consented.
'I'm not a pervert'
And so on Wednesday afternoon, the thrilled bride, wearing a white dress, walked down the dock before hundreds of astounded visitors and kneeled down before her groom, who was waiting in the water.
Cindy, escorted by his fellow best-men dolphins, swam over to Tendler and she hugged him, whispered sweet nothings in his ear, and kissed him in front of the cheering crowd.
After the ceremony was sealed with some mackerels, Tendler was tossed into the water by her friends so that she could swim with her new husband.
"I'm the happiest girl on earth," the bride said as she chocked back tears of emotion. "I made a dream come true, and I am not a pervert," she stressed.
Tendler said she and her newly wed husband will probably spend their wedding night bowling.
Posted by: Bush Ate My Soul... | January 27, 2006 at 06:44 AM
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Posted by: Mr. Baldo | January 27, 2006 at 07:11 AM
Prof, does doyenne mean old hackneyed hag, and why would a "columnist" need to ask questions at a press conference?
Posted by: Justa Joe | January 27, 2006 at 07:14 AM
It's a documented fact that when Clinton the First was in office his love for all of his neighbors got all the whales so horny that their population exploded (kinda of like him).
Now that we have that Whale criminal Bu$haliburton, he's teaching those poor creatures abstinence!! They're doomed unless we get another Clinton in the White House!!
Posted by: Arbiter | January 27, 2006 at 07:31 AM
If you're worried about the dearth of whales in the Thames, why don't you send Senator Kennedy over on a junket?
Posted by: aelfheld | January 27, 2006 at 07:46 AM
All hail Chomstein! You have once again connected the dots to reveal the succulent underbelly of the neoKKKon conspiracy. Alito should be denied confirmation and proscuted for crimes against mother Gaia. As Senator Kennedy pointed out in the judiciary hearings, the proper pronunciation of Bu$h's latest would be Scotus Stooge (SS) is al-e-o-toe, just like the San Franciso fisherman's warf restaurant. A coincidence, I think not. Look for bottle-nose whale steaks to appear prominently on the menu. They may try to fob them off on an unsuspecting public as grouper or halibut (Haliburton). But, good progryssives know better. Stop the SS takeover of the Supreme Court, filibuster Alito! Boycott Haliburton steaks!
BTW: Prices are so high in Davos it's a wonder Senator Kerry can afford it. I so look forward to a new day when thanks to reform the taxpayers can fund these trips.
Posted by: RWing Nut | January 27, 2006 at 07:50 AM
Teddy Kennedy just hired more security.
Posted by: Bush4Ever | January 27, 2006 at 08:01 AM