A Special Message from Sen. Edward Kennedy

Barring a miracle, Samuel Alito will be confirmed to the Supreme Court of the United States this Tuesday. Roe v. Wade will be repealed, and the clock will effectively be turned back 50 years to a time when women were herded like cattle into back alley abortion clinics and beaten with the King James Bible until they miscarried. Affirmative Action will be scrapped. Blacks will be thrown back into chains. Cub Scouts will go from door to door, spreading their message of hate and intolerance. There will be a bug in every telephone, a nativity scene in every park, and a heterosexual in every Showtime drama series. Dr. King's dream of justice and equality will succomb to George Bush’s Great American Nightmare.

I’ve tried pleading with congressional Republicans. I’ve tried threatening them with a filibuster. I’ve even tried rolling around on the floor of the Senate until I got my way. Unfortunately, the close-minded conservatives who control Congress will simply not respond to reason. Therefore, I have no choice but to appeal to their primitive, apelike instinct for protecting the lives of children over the rights of the mother.

For every vote cast this Tuesday in favor of confirming Judge Alito, I, Senator Edward Kennedy, will eat one small child.

I’m sorry it has come to this, but desperate times call for drastic measures. The children have already been picked at random from elementary and middle school rosters across the country, and the smorgasbord will commence promptly after Tuesday’s vote. Unless senate Republicans join Democrats in their courageous stand against Alito’s confirmation, I’ll be having little Lindsay Allen of Portsmouth, New Hampshire glazed with a light Bernaise sauce and garnished with fresh parsley for dinner that very evening. Wednesday’s breakfast menu will include a Denver-style omelette prepared with Colorado fifth-grader Jeremy Stevens, and for lunch I’ll be flying to Pennsylvania for a Philly Cheese Steak ala Christy Caldwell. Young Kyoshi Matsuri of San Francisco, I have a gallon of wasabi with your name on it for Thursday, and then it’s off to Hawaii for an Alana Hokuikekai luau.

I assure you that I take no pleasure from performing this terrible task. I have several wonderful grandchildren whom I love dearly, but I wouldn’t hesitate to toss ‘em into the deep fryer and serve them up with a side of coleslaw to protect a woman’s right to choose. Thankfully, none of their names were drawn, but I might do it anyway just to prove I mean business. When Clarence Thomas was confirmed in 1991, I ate an entire girl’s softball team. Ever try to pass a catcher’s mitt through your colon? It’s not a pretty picture, but it illustrates the lengths I will go to save our democracy from raving extremists like Samuel Alito.

If the Taliban-wing of the Republican Party is as “pro-life” as they claim to be, then they will vote their conscience this Tuesday. If not, they’ll have no one to blame for little Tina Draper of Portland, Oregon’s flambé fate but themselves.

Thank you for your time, and thank you, Mr. Chomstein, for the opportunity to use your little corner of the Blogodome as a venue for this important message.

Sen. Edward Kennedy

Comments

[RoCkY mTn. LiOnEsS]

But at least it IS a low carb diet St. Teddy adheres to.

It's unthinkable that ANTI-choice Scalito would be confirmed, ESPECIALLY in light of the fact that there are precious few metal (bendable, maneuverable) coat hangers left in the world, now that the RightWing like UNBENDABLE, plastic hangers have taken over.

Doesn't this also mean Planet Parenthood will also now actually have to "plan parents"?

[Red Loser]

"Barring a miracle, Samuel Alito will be confirmed to the Supreme Court of the United States this Tuesday. Roe v. Wade will be repealed, and the clock will effectively be turned back 50 years to a time when women were herded like cattle into back alley abortion clinics and beaten with the King James Bible until they miscarried. Affirmative Action will be scrapped. Blacks will be thrown back into chains. Cub Scouts will go from door to door, spreading their message of hate and intolerance. There will be a bug in every telephone, a nativity scene in every park, and a heterosexual in every Showtime drama series. Dr. King's dream of justice and equality will succomb to George Bush’s Great American Nightmare."

I thought this blog was supposed to be satire. This sounds too much like a genuine Ted Kennedy press release.

[RoCkY mTn. LiOnEsS]

"I thought this blog was supposed to be satire."

OH_MY_GAIA!!! A KKKonservaNazi mole has actually outted himself!!

You doubt Professym Chomstein's sincerity & mission????...not to mention that of St. Teddy.Of COURSE it's really a press release. Hand delivered by Mother Sheehan, no doubt!!

[camojack]

"I’ll be flying to Pennsylvania for a Philly Cheese Steak..."

When?! I'll give him a Philly cheesesteak, all right...

[RoCkY mTn. LiOnEsS]

HAHAHAHA!...Check out those side by side pics of Teddy and Dumbya. Teddy's perfectly impersonating The Chimperor!

AlGore did on the other page, but Lar musta deliberately photo shopped out the flames shooting out from Prince Alberts mouth.

[A Massachussetts Voter]

I'm not sure I agree with Ted eating children, but I don't want to go back to lynching mexicans like in the Goldwater presidency, so you know I think I'm going to stick by him. Ted passed enough liberal legislation to atone for the tragic death of {insert name here} so the lives of these children will probably not be missed if he passes a law to protect teaching unions or something.

[Bilgeman]

Lib Larry:

I notice that Beloved Senator Ted,(Democrat-Submarine Near Coastal), neglected to mention any children of identifiably Hispanic or African-American origin.

I therefore propose that in order to redress this and other acts of historical discrimination, an Affirmative Action program be enacted whereby Senator Kennedy will be force- fed randomly picked children of oppressed minority groups.

Regards;

[Bush4Ever]

You see, you evil and spiteful Re-Thug-li-KKKans? The Monarch of Massachusetts is offering not only to build a bridge between the Enlyghtened Lyberal, I mean, Progressyve Deocrats in the Senate and you Nazis but he is also willing to drive you all across it...late at night...after a having a barbecue for you in his own backyard. He is such a wonderful leader. No wonder the Brethryn, Systyryn and Othyrs of Massachusetts have been returing him to influence us all by being a United States Senator for over 40 years.

[Menstrual Rainbow]

Let him start with John Robert's gay children!

[Menstrual Rainbow]

Oh and by doing this I imagine there will be no more "hidden Kennedy children" popping up in the media, so it kills two birds with one cluster bomb.

[Crazy Politico]

I wonder, will John Kerry get the old lady to toss in some ketchup for the feast?

[libmeister]

See, its precisely stuff like this which makes us a reality-based community. Senator Kennedy has his finger on the pulse of America and I'm still puzzled why Der ChimpenFuhrer didn't nominate him as a mainstream associate justice to the Supreme Court.

[Studying for the Global Test]

Ted passed enough liberal legislation...

Is that in the same sense in which he passed the catcher's mitt?

[Truth to Power]

PETA champions this effort by Tedster-- surely we can call him that, his being for the "lttle people" and all-- because he gives fair warning of what he will do "for the children".

Progressyves everywhere will stand up and cheer when he decimates the numbers of Boy Scouts that spread their intolerance by selling popcorn to support their campfests. Sure, we're not fooled by that word popcorn. It's just a code word for "Dad". Where there's a dad, there is sure to be a mom denied her Constitution-backed choice to support coat-hanger workers in third-world sweatshops.

[aelfheld]

Libmeister, that's not his finger.

[Truth to Power]

PETA champions this effort by Tedster-- surely we can call him that, his being for the "lttle people" and all-- because he gives fair warning of what he will do "for the children".

Progressyves everywhere will stand up and cheer when he decimates the numbers of Boy Scouts that spread their intolerance by selling popcorn to support their campfests. Sure, we're not fooled by that word popcorn. It's just a code word for "Dad". Where there's a dad, there is sure to be a mom denied her Constitution-backed choice to support coat-hanger workers in third-world sweatshops.

[Red Loser]

"OH_MY_GAIA!!! A KKKonservaNazi mole has actually outted himself!!

You doubt Professym Chomstein's sincerity & mission????...not to mention that of St. Teddy.Of COURSE it's really a press release. Hand delivered by Mother Sheehan, no doubt!!"

WHAT! How dare you accuse me of being a Repuke! The "satire" which I mentioned was the fact that Larry keeps referring to the enemy as Bush, Rove, Republicans, and Christians, when their true identities are Hitler, Himmler, Fascists, and the Taliban, respectively. I learned this at DemocraticUnderground.

[The Bishop of East Anglia]

I wish you'd all stop bickering and eat me.

[Sen. Durbin]

"Jeremy Stevens" sounds suspiciously similar to the name of Seahawks tight end Jerramy Stevens. Is my esteemed colleague attempting to subvert the Super Bowl in order to draw attention to the anti-Alito cause? If so, what a way to do it! You go, Teddy!

[Dodger]

Great. Now Bu$h has got my fellow Lyberal, I mean, Progressyve friends fighting. In light of this, I think we should just surrender in Iraq.

[Dork]

If these so-called conservatives were really so-called "pro-life" they would pull the Scalito so-called nomination so that we could get back to killing children so that we wouldn't kill children by eating them. Any questions?

[RoCkY mTn. LiOnEsS]

"so that we could get back to killing children so that we wouldn't kill children by eating them."

Dork darlin',
I hope you dont mind me questioning you, but didn't you mean to say "so-called children"? Of course as a so-called prominent Progressyve, I only point it out for the children, you understand....?

Red Loser love,
I stand..or sit...corrected, well IF my reality was the same as yours in that I misunderstood you...which you believe I did and I believe I didn't, but since we have no issue as our realities differ and are both reality, let's just have a group hug and sing Kumbayah---as long as that's not like really a KKKristian or Jooooo song. K?

Sen-Kenn for Pope 08'!!

[Liberal Lover]

Senator Kennedy is obveously influenced by Johnathan Swifts essay "A Modest Proposal", in which he suggested that the Irish eat their chlidren in order to allieviate the potato famine in the early 1700's. It worked for them back then, so I see no reason why it shouldn't work for us now. You have my sincere admiration, Senator Kennedy.

My only question is this: Should we as progressive liberals start eating children as well, in order to show solidarity with Senator Kennedy? Proffesor Chomstein, fellow bloggers, what do you think?

[Dodger]

Only if they are free range and dolphin free.

[Dork]

RoCkY mTn. LiOnEsS, yes, you are right. I meant so-called children. I just got so nervous that Bush was reading with his NSA domestic surveillance program that I panicked and hit the backspace button. If this isn't a clearer case of smothering my FIRST AMENDMENT rights, I don't know what is.