The Phony War on Christmas

We’ve all heard the horror stories. To uphold the anti-Christian ideals of our Founding Fathers, community leaders across America are finally taking the necessary steps to sterilize their towns of any religious imagery. Nativity scenes are banned from public areas. “Christmas Trees” are changed to more tolerant “Holiday Trees”. Kris Kristofferson is shunned like a topless dancer at an Amish wedding. At last, the normally exclusive holidays are becoming more accessible to everyone, and it’s pushing all the biblethumping Whos in Whoville right off the deep end. “It’s a War on Christmas!” is the desperate cry from the religious right, their hysteria fueled by hate radio and digital brownshirts.

I’ll let you folks in on a little secret: there is no “War on Christmas”. It’s all a lie concocted by the right-wing media to distract attention away from the quagmire in Iraq. Go ahead! Decorate your silly little Christmas tree and guzzle your spiked eggnog in honor of 2000 years of religious genocide. Whatever you do in the privacy of your home is your own damn business, as long you keep it there and away from the eyes of impressionable children. Let’s leave the “Come to Jesus” crap at home and preserve the public arena for anti-war marches and gay pride parades.

And that goes double for any fundamentalist punks who get their Christmas jollies terrorizing hard-working families. Several local cells of the American Taliban have been roaming my neighborhood like packs of wild dogs, singing songs about Baby Jesus and leaving mysterious baskets of fruit and cookies on the doorsteps of their unsuspecting victims. Personally, I’ve found that an ordinary lawn sprinkler provides excellent protection against such unwanted visits from the yodeling God Squad. I had three or four hours of blessed peace and quiet last night before a knuckle-dragging neocon starting pounding on my door and yelling obscenities at me.

“Turn it off, you stupid jackass! Water is leaking through the ceiling five floors down!”

Well, you should have thought of that before you sent your snots up to proselytize at a progressive, you intolerant bastard.

I am constantly amazed by the selfishness and insensitivity of some people, especially so close to the Winter Solstice.

Comments

[Dodger]

I was at the store earlier and as I was leaving, the clerk said "Merry Christmas!". I stopped, looked at her for a few seconds and then I couldn't help it. I spewed my veggie dinner all over her. I'm thinking about suing.

[Oaktown]

Turn it off, you stupid jackass! Water is leaking through the ceiling five floors down!”

lol - funniest line in weeks.

[Sen. Durbin]

Larry, I just had a thought. Rare, perhaps, but in between meetings with Cindy Sheehan and al-Zarqawi, I noticed this most recent entry. It seems to me that since the Founding Fathers were simply a bunch of slave-owning, racist, bigoted, black-hating, prejudiced, anti-black racist Nazis, that they couldn't have possibly been "anti-Christian." For as any true progressyve knows, the aforementioned racist traits are exKKKlusive to Christianity itself, woven into the very fabric of the religion. Therefore, it seems that perhaps the Founding Fathers were KKKhristians after all. This nation was indeed founded on Christian hatred and bigotry, an unfortunate fact which can only be remedied by instant surrender to our Islamic overlords, who will give us a world of tolerance, equality, and burquas for all.

[Bubblehead]

That "Holiday Tree" better not have been cut down for the enjoyment of the sick bipedal oppressors of the forest.
And, btw, that fascist blog that Bu-shaitan always changes my namelink to had a better picture of a hanging, gutted lighted reindeer posted over three weeks ago. Just goes to show that that MalKKKin woman is a copycat as well as a (insert misogynistic, racist phrase here that's OK for me to say because I'm a progryssyve).

[aelfheld]

[...] 2000 years of religious genocide.

2000+ and going strong.

[Bush4Ever]

The Reich-Wing KKKhristian KKKonservatives have decided to shove their parable of their Imaginary Friend down our throats to give us the same feeling Monica Lewinski often got in the White House. Yes indeed. Satan KKKlaus is KKKoming to town...and it's your town.

[Notta Libb]

Check out a site dedicated to the absurdity of saying "It's All George Bush's Fault!"

http://www.itsallgeorgebushsfault.com

Regards,
Notta Libb

[camojack]

¡Feliz Navidad!, you sorry S.O.B.'s...

[Yusuck Islam]

Oh I’m being followed by a Moonbat-o, Moonbat-o, Moonbat-o
Spittle flecking ranting Moonbat-o, Moonbat-o, Moonbat-o

And if I ever lose my rights, I’ll have to call up Michael Moore
Before they make me get a job, oh if…I can go on welfare.
And if I ever lose my mind, if all my spittle all runs dry,
Yes if I ever lose my mind, oh I won’t have to think no more.

Did it take long to find me? I asked the black helicopter.
Did it take long to find me? Where is my tin-foil attenuator?

[Bush4Ever]

The Founder, Master Teacher Karenga,of Kwanzaa

Joooooo Carpenter

[Bilgeman]

LibLarry:

"Whatever you do in the privacy of your home is your own damn business,"

No, Chom-steen, whatever you do in the privacy of your own home is OUR business, too.

Don't you read the Noo Yawk Times? Sulzberger had the perfect "torpedo" for the Chimpy McHalliCheney Administration's lame little "rubber duckie" factoid about the Iraqi (S)elections.

So, next time the gang of Dominionists arrive at your doorstep and ululate over the Holday Joooish Infant, we expect you to show a little more civility.

And, BTW, Chom-steen, the Director wants to know if those were Prada or Manolo Blahnik pumps you were wearing September 19th at 1045 pm....

(Told ya it's our business).

Regards;

[Che]

Well I, for one, decided to start a new winter solstice tradition. Last week I took my whole family to the theater to watch Bareback Mountin', a touching film about two shepherds (Pronounced "Cowboys" to add machismo to the film) who answer the call of the wild just in time to assault the puritanical vaules of those who celebrate Christmas.

It's a beautiful film, full of stunning cinematography, cheesy guitar music, and a shoe wardrobe that's to die for. Think "It's a Wonderful Life" merged with "The Crying Game", with just enough "Dances with Wolves" thrown in to appeal to the butch crowd.

With a soundtrack that includes "Lookin' for Love in all the Wrong Places," "Why Don't We get Drunk (and Screw)" and "A Boy Named Sue," Bareback Mountin' has all the makings of a Holieday classic.

I give it two thumbs all the way up there.

[WASP Guilt]

Jesus Christ was a Jew in born in Bethlehem therefore a Zionist oppressor of poor brown people like Mumia Abu-Jamal. They even evicted the animals from the manger in a disgusting display of trans-species oppression.

It’s too bad Jesus didn’t teach peace like Tookie Williams did.

If someone says “merry Christmas” to me I educate them that there wasn’t one single Christian among our founding fathers and that the constitution specifically forbids religion.

Now Kwanza, that is a holiday I can identify with and understand…

[Dan]

Well everybody knows that Christmas is cooked up by Big Retail and Haliburton as a money making scheme. Of course Bush and his Crony's want to protect is...because they support only corporate interests.

I read an article here that indicates that Haliburton is in it with Wallmart. This relationship is also covered in the true movie called Syriana.

[Tom B.]

I've always wanted to know and perhaps the impressively progressive Liberal Larry can enlighten me: Is Kwanzaa a holiday that whites are allowed celebrate? Inquiring minds want to know....

[dave]

I don't belive in god. ( I do belive in howard dean)

If I did this what I would ask for.

1) For a dem to become president with the slogan " Time for you rich/white assholes to pay"

2) for Bu$hitler and his menions to have to swim thorough a slaugterhouse's sepict tank to pay for their many crimes.

3) for the usa to surrender to our islamic overlords.

4)for god to forgive me for what I did in the highway rest area restroom at 2.56 am last night. and that bunch of blisters goes away.

But I'm an enlighted progressive( I don't belive in god) none of this will come true. merry KKKishmas!

[libmeister]

Merry Chrystmas, dammit!

Lar, what do you expect from a bunch of "little Eichmans". Of course they're going to use Chrystmas to try and deflect public attention away from the quagmire in Iraq.

Heck, only 70% of the electorate actually voted in the last Iraqi election. How pathetic given that 99.999999 percent voted in Saddam's last election and 99.999998 percent voted for Saddam. Clearly he's the legitimate leader of Iraq and Bush McChimpy had no right to depose him. We all know those stories about rape rooms, mass graves, and WMD being used against the Kurds was all made up by the Bu$Hitler/Halliburton/Cheney/RoveHimmler/Libby regime as far back as 1989. Damn those Rovian Mind Control Rays.

[Bush4Ever]

Young Katrina Survivors Await Christmas

Whereas Older Katrina Survivors Want Ice-Cold Beer and Bourbon Bottles In The Freezer...

Okay, now we have the Lyberals, I mean, Progressyves, all claiming that SCOTUS-Selected ChimpFace Smirky Dumbya Bu$Hitler hates Black Folk AND that CHRISTmas is bad for everybody. How will they handle this one? How will they justify that young black New Orleans residents are hurting for...CHRISTmas? How will the Lyberals, I mean, Progressyves, be able to claim they care for people who actually believe in Our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ?

How many Lyberals, I mean, Progressyves, will have strokes over this?

[kansasplowboy]

yes virginia , dick durbins
heart grew four sizes that day .

[PTPFP]

Larry will be visited by three spirits on Christmas Eve.
I therefore challenge each of us progressyves to rewrite "A Christmas Carol" in liberalspeak.

[libmeister]

Three spirits? That wouldn't be Johnny Walker, Morgan David, and Martini-Rossi would it, Lar?

[libmeister]

Oh, and Merry KuwHannagiveoween! And may the blessings of Secular Clause be upon your heads this Hollowday Seasyn.

[Bubblehead]

I accept your challenge, PTPFP! But I'm kinda busy right now, and I'm having a hemorrhoid outbreak, so I'll have to get to it as soon as my disability check comes in... assuming Bu-shi'ite doesn't stop payment!

[Kiki B.]

Libmeister,

Don't forget that he should be getting some Souther Comfort from Jack Daniel, too.

[TLA]

Merry Holiday everyone!

On behalf of The Dick List, I wish an empowering and inclusive Holiday to you and yours!

Come visit TDL this wednesday for a inoffensive and diverse Holiday treat....

Yours,
Holiday Claus
http://dicklist.blogspot.com