Liberal Larry's Death With Dignity Contest

Just as Seattle's vendetta against topless bars is a testament of its commitment to women's rights, a recent Oregon Supreme Court ruling is a celebration of the Beaver State's free-spirited, open-minded reputation. In the 5-1 decision in favor of Roseburg's thriving porn industry, the court ruled that live public sex acts are an "expression of speech", and therefore protected under the state constitution. In addition, rape has been redefined as "a heated argument", and masturbation as "deep introspection" - which would make Oliver Willis a sort of modern day Socrates. As long as they don't light up a cigarette or engage in any perverse religious activities, the people of Oregon are free to rut like animals in the streets, as our founding fathers intended. But the porn industry triumphed over the iron hammer of puritanism not because it embodies the core principles of liberalism, but rather because it won the battle of semantics.

Yet although the battle was won, the war is not yet over, for the language fascists are now trying to hijack our constitutional Right to Die by referring to "Death with Dignity" as "doctor assisted suicide", thus sucking all the fun out of it like they did with abortion. Bereft of all compassion, these right-wing hypocrites wouldn't hesitate to kill their dog if it became an inconvenience, yet they cringe at the thought of doing the same for a loved one. If the bastards succeed in swaying the Supreme Court to uphold a ban on Doctor-Assisted Dying, millions of innocent Oregonians will have no choice but to smuggle Gramma north into Canada and euthanize her there. In desperation, countless more will resort to dangerous back-alley doctor-assisted deaths, many of which are botched by inexperienced physicians who clumsily heal their patients...or worse.

That's why we must not allow the evangelical right to turn suicide into something negative. Compassion & Choices, a grassroots organization dedicated to keeping death accessible for everyone, is leading the fight to demand the federal government, media, and the health care industry stop using the term "doctor-assisted suicide" in favor of something more user-friendly. They suggest "doctor-assisted dying" or "perpetual snoozing", but I'm sure that if we put our progressive minds together, we can come up with a more effective euphemism that doesn't carry any negative baggage. For instance, in Seattle we now commonly refer to the death process as "registering to vote". Others that come to mind are "Caretaker-Assisted Horizontal Slow-Dancing", or "Flyin' Alaska Airlines". Post your own ideas in the comments section, and if I get enough I will send them off to Compassion & Choices to aid in their battle against the "sanctity of human life" wackos.

Please note that this is an egalitarian blog, and competition is therefore stricty forbidden. There will be no winners nor losers in this "contest". Our only reward will be knowing that in some small way, we helped to insure that Death With Dignity would still be around for our children to enjoy, rather than suffer through years of hormonal imbalances and expensives acne medications.

Comments

[Bubblehead]

"Becoming organic fertilizer by choice"

[Dodger]

Dignified Dirtnapping

[Dodger]

Schiavo'd

[Dodger]

Vacationing in New Orleans

[Oaktown]

Becoming one with Gaia

[Dodger]

Shutting Down Safely

[brainsample]

Listening to an Al Gore speech

[civilian]

Choosy mothers choose stiff.

[civilian]

Avoiding taxes.

[brainsample]

We interrupt this contest to bring the following story and we are not making it up.

"U.S. Firm Turns Cremated Remains Into Precious Gems"

http://news.yahoo.com/s/afp/20051006/od_afp/afplifestyledeath_051006163713

What I want to know is, when did Halliburton get into the diamond business?

[RWing Nut]

Gaia's little helper

[Sobek]

Keep Your Laws Off My Cyanide Capsules

[Sobek]

Being one with your inner lemming

[Sobek]

Enlightened expiration

[Sobek]

Politcally correct post-mortem

[The Powers That Be]

Hilarious.

[Sobek]

Becoming one with the cosmos (without using LSD and a Grateful Dead album)

[Dodger]

He/She/It "Took career advice from Janeane Garofalo"

[NiTamada]

(H.P.) Lovecraft Loving.

Simple Choices for Simple People

The Democrat Option.

Don't Go Alone, Take a Friend

[Jason]

I'd still be here... if I was a spotted owl...

[NiTamada]

Here's a way to build a advertising campaign. A Mortuary could advertise. "We Can help you become a DOOFUS"
(Dead On Our Friendly Undertakers Slab)

[Sobek]

Thinning the herd

[Ry]

Damn, man. "Thinning the herd" is a tough act to follow.

Lemme try anyway:

I mean, you wouldn't want my Gramps to miss his chance at "Winning a Darwin Award"? would you?

[Blah]

"Never let THEM cause me more suffering."

[Menstrual Rainbow]

-I like the term 'Achieving Carbon Neutrality' as it ties in the right to die with dignity with global warming.