Would You Hit a Grieving War Mom With Glasses?

Mom and I aren't exactly on speaking terms. Ever since I refused to pay her way to Crawford so she could erect a cross in my honor, she's been giving me the silent treatment. But the piercing screech blaring out of the TV last night was as familiar as a cat in a microwave. A small orange tabby, to be precise. And though I've never forgiven her for it, her appearance on the evening news made me beam with pride.

"Bush murdered my son," she tearfully wheezed into the camera. "He murdered him for no other reason than to steal Iraq's oil the way he stole the election. Click here to learn more. I'll never get my Larry back, but I can fight to insure that no more working families have to bury their children - many of whom don't even make a Living Wage thanks to Bush's tax cuts for the wealthiest one percent. Click here to learn more. If the Shrub really does care about our troops like his PR people say, then he'll stop the killing. He'll be a uniter, not a divider, and call for the immediate withdrawal of all our forces in Iraq and Afghanistan, the removal of all Jews from Israel, and an end to imperialist U.S. aggression abroad. Oh, and the legalization of marijuana."

Lacking funds for her trip, Mom had apparently made some minor "revisions" to her travel plans. Instead of Bush's Crawford Ranch, she was now camped out in front of Bush Garden Japanese Restaurant in downtown Seattle. But while the location had changed, her message remained the same: Bush is evil. Now, in the ninth day of her courageous vigil, the local media had taken notice, and Mom's bloated visage was all over the six o'clock news.

"We can all sympathize with your loss, Ms. Chomstein," the young reporter said. "Could you please tell our viewers exactly how your son was killed?"

Mom gave a solemn nod. "It was a calm day in Faggubah, or whatever it is," she began. "Larry, a handsome young ensign in the U.S. Army Reserves, was charged with guarding an oil well for Halliburton. He was passing out condoms to some Iraqi children from his poorly armored Humvee when Bush came out of nowhere, reeking of gin and brandishing an automatic weapon he purchased from a girl scout through the gun show loophole. 'GIT AWAY FROM MAH OIL!" he screamed and cut poor Larry down like a swath of old growth forest. Now, all I ask is that Bush come out of his little "garden" and explain why my son had to die. And legalize marijuana. Until he does so, I'll continue to sit here at Camp Larry and be a thorn in his side."

"But you met with the manager of Bush Garden today, did you not?" the snotty reporter pressed.

"Yes, he came out here to tell me to 'get lost'!" Mom snapped. "Well, Mr. Scru Yu - if that is your real name - I am already lost. I'm lost without my best friend, Larry, who you took from me with your carefully pre-planned, reckless rush to war. Click here for more information. Besides, he never once spoke Larry's name, and he kept referring to me as "You crazy old bat". Then when I tried to show him some photos of Larry at Nudestock last year, he became violently ill.

"Well I won't be brushed aside again. I have some questions for you, Mr. Yu. Hard questions, printed directly from the moveon.org website. They are questions to which I will only accept honest answers - also printed from the moveon.org website. Any attempt to improvise on your part will be met with a resounding "LIAR" from myself and the nine hundred other members of Camp Larry who will be there to comfort me, just in case an old memory of my sweet Larry should rise to the surface and cause me to melodramatically swoon with grief right when you're talking. Your imperialist acts of aggression may frighten innocent third world leaders, click here for more, but you'll find that this Mom isn't impressed by your lunch menu - let alone your arrogant quest for global hegemony."

I winced as she pronounced it "Heggy-moany". Mom is a product of the 60's anti-war movement, when standing up for world peace was as simple as hocking a wad of loogie on someone in uniform, dropping a couple hits of acid, then having sex with a complete stranger in the back of a VW van. Times are different now, and bringing an end to Bush's Vietnam requires a little more subtlety. To thwart any criticism from right-wing jingoists, one must first establish an air of moral authority by wrapping oneself in an inpenetratable cloak of victimhood. There's nothing like a dead loved one or an incurable disease to silence your opposition. While Mom's efforts were clumsy at best, she was starting to get the hang of it.

"Ms. Chomstein," the reporter continued, "your critics say that there are no records that your son, Mr. Lawrence Chomstein, was ever in the armed forces. In fact, some suggest that he is not only alive, but you shared a dinner with him at this very restaurant less than a month ago. What do you say to those who insist that you're merely trying to exploit national sorrow over our fallen heroes for your own twisted anti-American agenda?"

"I'm not a healthy woman, Biff. I'm slightly overweight - some might even say 'morbidly obese'. High blood pressure. Cholesterol's through the roof. I have a wart growing on my ass the size of a small child. Last night, I heard a voice whispering "Start the reactor, Quaid! Start the reactor!' Alas, my time on this earth is short. When I finally break on through to the other side, I want to be able to look my Larry in the eye and say that I did everything I could to stop the killing and legalize marijuana. And dammit, I'll stay here at Camp Larry, confined to this wheelchair, clutching this little white cross until the cameras go away or the liqour runs out - whichever comes first!"

I turned off the TV and went to bed. You have to give Mom credit for sticking to her guns, although she hasn't a 14 year-old's chance at the Neverland Ranch of ending the war and getting our troops out of Iraq. If Bush won't listen to Bin Laden, I seriously doubt he's going to listen to her.

Comments

[Damian G.]

"Mom is a product of the 60's anti-war movement, when standing up for world peace was as simple as hocking a wad of loogie on someone in uniform, dropping a couple hits of acid, then having sex with a complete stranger in the back of a VW van. Times are different now, and bringing an end to Bush's Vietnam requires a little more subtlety."

This was an EXCELLENT post, Larry; loved the constant quick lines like:

"Oh, and the legalization of marijuana."

"I have a wart growing on my ass the size of a small child."

"...she hasn't a 14 year-old's chance at the Neverland Ranch of ending the war and getting our troops out of Iraq."

Damn that Bush! Why won't he legalise marihuana so mentally retarded grandmas can eat embryonic stem cells in peace?!

First!!!

[Sen. Durbin]

Chimpy is goosestepping on the hearts of ameriKKKan heroes like Cindy Sheehan in his insatiable lust for oil and blood.
El Smirko's hatred for the mothers of those who gave their lives for Halliburton is clearly rooted in his hatred for womyn in general. One can see this hatred in everything he does, particularly in his absolute refusal to rescind his illegal and immoral tax cuts for the rich. Many will point to the abortion issue as the true demonstration of Shrubya's KKKhristian sexism, but, alas, that is only the tip of an iceberg which is melting away thanks to Shrub's global warming.
I fully understand Cindy Sheehan's grief, but hopefully that grief can be abated somewhat by the knowledge that the Iraqi forces helped her exercise her right to a postnatal abortion.

[libmeister]

As a progressyve, I find Ms. Sheehan's insane rants an embarassment to our cause. Even her husband is now divorcing her and her family have turned against her! Can't say I blame them one bit.

Gaia, maybe her son joined the military to get away from this crazed bitch. I sure the hell would. It's enough to make me want to support the war and embrace Bush-chimp.

Watching her rambling rants is like listening to fingernails on a blackboard. I guess some hippies never grow up to become sophisticated progressyves like us. Hell, we should have dropped her in the middle of Baghdad at the start of the war. The Iraqis would have surrendered in a matter of days.

[Bubblehead]

Larry, it's wonderful progryssyve womyn like your Mom who make me wish I had three hands. Click here to learn more.

[Mumblix Grumph]

Damn those pesky Jews! If they would only stop refusing to die, we could have peace in the Middle East!

Why doesn't Rabbi Bushstien see the light? Maybe it's because the Jooz use OIL to run their oppresive temple lamps.

Just remember, TORAH spelled backward is HAllibuRTOn! Well, OK not exactly, but you see the connection.

[camojack]

And just to prove how stupid he is, if he was going to go to war with someone for oil, he should've attacked Saudi Arabia!

[CavalierX]

A cross? How can your Mom -- or since she's become a symbol of bereaved motherhood, she must be called "Mother Chomstein" just like DailyKos says we should refer to Mother Sheehan -- think she's honoring your memory with the very symbol of Bu$h's illegal war on innocent Wahabbis simply following their culture?

[Menstrual Rainbow]

Wow! That Kos link! Seriously show your KKKonservative friends that link and they can see how compassionate we progressives really are.

[Menstrual Rainbow]

Of course I meant to say "KKKonservative oppressors" not "KKKonservative friends".

[Friend of USA]

Great link Cav.

I especially like #7;

"If there are any persons who are theatre professionals at the Sheenan vigil, they should arrange things much more theatrically."

But isn't that "Kos-ter" aware that Michael Moore is directing the whole thing and already making it as melodramatic as one can without post-production heavy editing?

[Joe Byden]

Notice how cleverly we have changed 'spinning' to 'framing'?

[RWing Nut]

Mother Sheehan AKA the anti-War Rosa Parks has already started to unite the country in resistence to Bu$Hitler. Just yesterday her statements about Israel inspired David Duke to give his support to her courageous fight against the Zionist hegemony secretly ruling this country. Can senator Byrd's endorsement be far behind? He and DD share a common background and big byrd is on vacation now. Perhaps he could bring his fiddle down to Texas so he and Duke could entertain the courageous custodian of absolute moral authority with tales of white-sheet hyjinx.

[Bu$hCausedMyGout]

I feel for your mother. Today I cut myself (well, actually I do that anyways on a regular basis,) but I did it in honor of the bereaved Ms. Chomstein. Oh Mother Sheehan, point the way, won't you? Point the way Oh Wise One. My hero Michael Moore would never THINK of exploiting a bereaved mother for his own personal prospects of using her to write another film so you get that thought out of your head right now. That's why he's personally paid for grief counselors and sent them to Crawford to care for this womyn, Mother Sheehan; our Rosa Parks; our Virgin Mary; our Jesus.

[aelfheld]

I did not go to his funeral, but I wrote a nice letter saying I approved of it. -- Mark Twain

[Cr'Q'T]

I KNEW it! Liberal Larry isn't so liberal after all, is he? He wants cheap oil just like the rest of us.

[Che Guevarito]

This is creepy. My mother went to Busch Gardens in Florida. When she found out they didn't grow beer there, she wailed, "My only son died in Bush's Illegal, Immoral, War on Terrorists! Can't I even pick a fresh beer off the vine to drown my sorrows? How many limbs does Max Cleveland have to lose before I get justice? What does Bush grow here that'll help me?"

When she found out that it was just a bunch of animals, and no, she couldn't eat them, she kinda went off the deep-end.

Now she's touring the country selling T-shirts that read, "I lost my only son in Bush's Illegal, Immoral War on Terrorists and all I got was this Lousy T-shirt."

[Bush Ate My Soul...]

"Larry, a handsome young ensign in the U.S. Army Reserves...

Dude, that was *so* MSM-worthy.

Admit it - you're after Peter Jenkins' job, you ghoul. You dead people are all alike.

[motherofallposters]

Hey:

What's wrong with the legalization of marijuana? I'll tell you playa haters something. I will willingly trade all of my oil (click here to lear more) for all of your marijuana. (Click here to learn more)

S.H.

[Click Here to Learn More]

Come on, click me. You know you want to. I can see you sitting there thinking about it. Come on, wimp! Click now!

[Bush Ate My Soul...]

Yikes!

Can I come over here and hide?

AOL is after my soul!

[Cr'Q'T]

I'm a southernbell persyn myself, but yeah, hang out here. Whassamatta, you write something good that struck a note? Wouldn't be the first time and I certainly hope it isn't the last.

[Bush Ate My Soul...]

Holy Mother of God. I think the Floodgates of Heck have opened up.

Larry had me laughing so hard Coke almost shot out my nostrils...

[Cr'Q'T]

Toldja this was a monitor cleaning post.

[Vishnu Troll Daddy Earth Goddess]

Mother Cyndi Sheehan is a symbol of the Great Mother, GaiaEarthMother, whose children are constantly being slaughtered by the Bu$Hitler-DICK Cheney-HALLIBURTON-KKKarl Rove Hegemonic ameriKKKan empire. Her children are dying as the greedy oil barons plunder her nurturing fields of ANWR, as the bombs fall on the innocent villages of Afghanistan, and as the winds of KKKapitalism blow across the peaceful valley of the Euphrates river. Is their no end to the destruction, to the venom, to the hate? How many Iraqi children have to die before the selected president has enough oil to please his cronies? How many caribou must lose their homes before Chimpy McDubya has satiated his thirst for the black gold of oppression? How many more Cyndi Sheehan's must face the loss of their angels, forced into the servitude of our commander-in-thief's illegal blood war? Our forefathers didn't fight for freedom so that our sons and daughters would be sent off to die in some far away land just to keep the wheels of industry rolling with the precious lifeblood of light sweet crude--and crude it is, such a crude form of energy when renewable clean Gaia-friendly fuels would be commonplace with the stroke of a pen, only, if only, the great envirosage Gore had not been cheated out of his rightful place at the heart, mind, and soul of our government.

[Bush Ate My Soul...]

How many caribou must lose their homes before Chimpy McDubya has satiated his thirst for the black gold of oppression?

BWA-HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!

If I were really cruel, I'd link to Larry's post in the comments section, but I wouldn't do that to my worst enema... err.. enemy.

Can you imagine the shreiking?