For months now, I've watched the thermometer on my patio slowly rise, each day slightly warmer than the one before it, while Bush does nothing. But with temperatures across the country now rivalling those of the Martian surface, it's becoming difficult for even the Chimp to ignore the wholesale destruction his environmental policies have done to our planet.
Take Death Valley, California, for instance. A lush, tropical paradise during the Clinton administration, a treasured national park is now little more than a barren desert wasteland. Acres of marshy wetlands have transformed into lifeless salt flats. Almost overnight, vibrant communities full of working families have become veritible ghost towns as thousands of residents flee in search of cooler climes.
Those unfortunate enough to live in my home town of Las Vegas are paying for their devotion to war hero John Kerry with the deadliest summer in recorded history. Ten have died so far, mostly homeless people, hookers, crack dealers - the working poor who traditionally vote democrat. They were hit hard with Bush's tax cuts for the rich, but now even the sun, it seems, has turned against them.
And if you think I'm lucky to have escaped Sin City, think again. A winter wonderland just six or seven months ago, the Pacific Northwest is now experiencing temperatures in the sweltering 80's. Our once booming ski industry has all but shut down. I can't even sit inside Starbuck's enjoying a refreshing iced mocha for two or three hours without my bratty right-wing neice screaming and crying to be let out of the car. I teach her a valuable lesson about Bush's Greenhouse Effect, and I'm the bad guy.