The United States Supreme Court, a wholly owned and operated subsidiary of BushCheneyburton Inc, has declared open season on the chronically ill, ruling unanimously to deny America's teeming masses of sick dudes access to life-preserving ganja.
The horrible news had a devastating effect on the entire staff of Seattle Hemp Products. Helpless, I watched from my cubicle as a tsunami of suffering swept through the office, the icy hand of death gripping my friends and co-workers one by one. After years of 20/20 vision, Earl in Accounting suffered a relapse of glaucoma and had to be helped out to his car. Janice in Human Relations, severely crippled ever since a cast iron bong fell on her foot back in college, was able to make thirteen trips to the snack machines a day with the help of sweet Mary Jane. By this afternoon, she was back in a wheelchair, all because Bush won't allow her just one little toot of the only medicine that will cure her.
As an American with a disability, I also took the news pretty hard. When I became disoriented by a strobe light and fell off my beanbag chair, severely injuring my back, I searched high and low for a doctor who would prescribe the incredibly large amounts of medicinal marijuana needed to ease my unbearable pain. I finally found him in Dr. Harry Garcia, the World's Grooviest Doctor. Before Dr. Harry, I didn't have the strength to pass a cast iron bong around my UC Berkeley dorm room without dropping it. A quick trip to Dr. Harry's Roadside VW Van of Healing and I was back to my daily workout regimen. That's all gone now. Bowing to the orders of his Big Pharmaceutical Buddies, Bush has cruelly yanked the macrame hemp rug of hope out from under all those who suffer from chronic illness. My spine is beginning to twitch already.
But we'll fight on. Just as Rosa Parks defied an unjust law and inspired John F. Kennedy to free the slaves, we will fire up our orthopedic hookas and send a clear message to Bush and his big pharmaceutical buddies that...
whoa...dudes...what was I talking about?