"One of the concerns is that some media organizations have used anonymous sources that are hiding behind that anonymity in order to generate negative attacks," peeResidential mouthpiece Scott McClellan propagandized at a White House press briefing this afternoon.
"Your point?" one reporter asked.
"My point," he replied, nervously clearing his throat, "is that fifteen people died because of erroneous reports by a reputable magazine that made false claims about the U.S. military."
McClellan's remark was greeted with confused silence.
"And...?" another reporter pressed him.
"...AND we hope that Newsweek, having admitted to their error, will help us repair some of the damage they've done to the image of our military abr--"
"Are you asking us to write a story about how great the American military is; is that what you're saying here?" NY Times chihuahua Elisabeth Bumiller interrupted.
The room erupted with gasps of shock and horror. Helen Thomas clutched her chest, her monacle popping out of her one good eye and zipping around the room like a stray bullet.
"Elisabeth," McClellan stammered. "Let me finish my sentence. Our military--"
"I already know what you're going to say!" Bumiller screeched. "You're going to say we're all under arrest for crimes against the state!"
"Uh...No...actually I was just going to ask you to show a semblance of journalistic integrity and be a little more careful about what you print or report in regards to our--"
"OH MY GAWD!" someone screamed. "He's trying to silence us!"
"The Bush Putsch has begun!" another chimed in. "We're all gonna die, and without dignity!"
"Tell my wife and kids I love them!" came a cry from the back.
"Please, folks, calm down..." McClellan pleaded, but the orderly briefing had quickly deteriorated into utter chaos. Horror-stricken reporters were frantically scrambling in all directions, crying for their mothers and clawing out their own eyes in stark, unbridled terror. Bumiller tore out her hair in clumps. Helen Thomas lurched foreward and retched into her top hat. We all saw it coming when the Bush junta began issuing press passes to gay conservative journalists, but now it is official: The Bill of Rights has been repealed, and Freedom of the Press no longer exists. May 17, 2005 will forever be remembered as the day that Liberty's golden torch finally flickered out, casting the Fascist States of America into an age of darkness.
It all began last week, when a false but accurate Newsweek article detailing the desecration of the Holy Quran by murderous U.S. troops sparked deadly protests across the Middle East. Fifteen innocent people were killed and dozens more injured because a couple of CIA spooks thought it would be a real hoot to flush a $5.95 copy of the Muslim holy book down the loo.
But the real victim here is Newsweek. By forcing the magazine's editors to crawl on their knees and apologize for telling the truth or a close fascimile thereof, the Bushies have intentionally and maliciously cast aspersions on Newsweek's credibility. Once the news source of record for both progressive-minded Americans and Muslim fanatics, Newsweek is now drawing skepticism from Muslim fanatics. Many fanatical muslims fear that with the downfall of 60 Minutes last year, the last media outlet they could rely on to give them the straight poop on the Great Satan has sold out to the Bush devil.
Perhaps in time, Newsweek will earn back the trust Bush has squandered, but not until those who soiled the magazine's reputation among Muslim fanatics make things right. Until Bush issues an apology and a retraction for forcing Newsweek to issue an apology and a retraction, they will continue to lose readers to publications that fanatical Muslims feel they can better relate to, such as the New York Times and The Nation.