Bush Famine Sweeps Across Pacific Northwest

On any day of the week, you'll see them. Starving, skeletal stick figures shuffling through Seattle's alleyways, desperately searching through the city's trash for even the smallest crumb to fill their empty, bloated bellies. Some call them "dumpster divers", or "garbage-scrounging bums". Others simply flash them a disdainful sneer and turn away. They are the forgotton ones, refugees from an economic system that lines the pockets of the wealthiest 1% at the expense of the little guy. Hungry, helpless, and homeless, they are innocent victims of the Great Bush Famine of 2005.

We meet at Tony Roma's the last Thursday of every month to share a plate of baby back ribs and discuss ways to survive the Bush Depression until Hillary takes office and we can all eat again. Our organization is small but quickly gaining popularity amongst Seattle's starving masses. There was a very nice article in the Seattle PI the other day about one of our members. A printer by trade, John Walker's hours have been dwindling thanks to Bush's Big Desktop Publishing Buddies. While a more materialistic individual might waste alot of time pounding the pavement looking for work, John spends his days scouring dumpsters for sustenance, struggling to make ends meet until someone magically materializes from out of nowhere and offers him a high-paying job that doesn't require alot of physical exertion. He's a nice guy, and I regret having to kick him out of the club, now that the paper has revealed how he has been selling his garbage. Capitalism is the cause of our problems, not the answer to them, and John is no longer welcome.

I sort of unofficially took over the leadership role when the club chairman keeled over after drinking three bottles fished out of a truck stop dumpster full of what he assumed was lemon Gatorade. The last thing he said before he doubled over in gut-wrenching agony was "I can't believe what people are throwing away these days!" This weekend, we're going to forgo our usual meeting date and location to hold an impromptu memorial service at his favorite retreat, a nice little spot where he liked to relax and watch the ocean: the dumpster behind Ivar's.

Afterwards, we plan to march up to the lower Queen Anne Safeway to protest against the genetically engineered food they throw out. "Frankenfood", as we like to call it, is one of the leading causes of death amongst the world's hungry, second only to starvation. In Seattle, it comes in third, behind syphillis and crotchrot. We intend to send the bioengineering whores and their corporate pimps a clear message that we WILL NOT tolerate tinkering with Mother Nature in any fashion that doesn't provide a moral justification for abortion.

Then we're off to a nearby McDonalds to take a courageous stand against their Super Size menu, the number one cause of obesity in people who eat at McDonalds 14 times a week. McDonalds claims to have phased out their large meals, but when I was rummaging through their dumpster the other day, a weird guy in a clown suit edged up next to me and asked if I'd like to see his "Super Size Big Mac". McDonalds and other fast food conglomerates simply must not be allowed to clandestinely continue their war on the health of the American people.

Last but not least, we'll make a quick stop at Tony Roma's to protest the barbarism of the U.S. meat industry, and root around in their dumpster. Then, if time permits, we'll pop inside for a big plate of those delicious baby back ribs. I'm a vegetarian, but barbecued baby back ribs are a guilty pleasure. Besides, we get a group discount and the desserts are spectacular.

So we have a big weekend cut out for us. I only hope that our malnourished bodies can muster up the energy to complete our noble tasks. We may have to stop off at Starbucks. Whatever it takes, we will not allow Bush to starve us into silence. If Michael Moore can survive the Great Bush Famine, then so can we.

Comments

[aelfheld]

[...] a weird guy in a clown suit edged up next to me and asked if I'd like to see his "Super Size Big Mac".

That was you?

[CKCat]

If we don't hear from you for awhile, Lar, we'll know you were caught trespassing.... working one of your other dumpster divin' buds *corners*.
Just do your best to resist the unwrapped Tootsie rolls & Baby Ruths, K?

I saw that picture of your group! Gaia bless their hearts. It brought a tear to my eye to see how they even managed to find large enough sweaters to cover up their distended Bush Famine bellies.

[Ledger]

Larry, I am glad you reminded us of this horrible affliction which is solely caused by the Bush Administration. Although, world hunger has been around for thousands of years, the blame rests directly on Bush's shoulders. It's well known that Bush has secretly planned to eliminate all liberal voters through starvation. But, progressive intellectuals like Michael Moore prepared for this evil plot by eating every hamburger in sight thus storing up a large pantry of energy around his 68 inch girth. It's said that Michael Moore went into a local Kentucky Fried Chicken eatery and consumed all of the fried chicken, mash potatoes and gravy leaving only the stale coleslaw for crowd of customers. The restaurant went out of business. This was a successful move. It prepared Michael Moore for the Bush Famine and destroyed a capitalistic business - all in one stroke.

Now, leading lard experts calculate Michael Moore has enough body fat to last well beyond the evil Bush administration - although, a large amount of that fat is deposited in his arteries. Hence, Michael Moore will have the last laugh - assuming the quadruple bypass surgery is successful. So, stick that in you pipe and smoke it PeeResident Bush!

[CKCat]

energy around his 68 inch girth.

WOW!! I guess congratulations are in order to MM for his significant weight/inch loss!!!!

Larry,
Another word of advice on the dumpster diving. If you're going to hit a "Taco Bell" dumpster--you must always FIRST dive a Fire Station dumpster in search of Hazmat suits, regulation uniform for the Taco Bell dive. As you probably already know: "Taco Bell" is code for Cheney Haliburton Roves human experiment: Toxic Hell.
Run For The Toilet!

[Hankmeister]

This is the thing that disgust me about the Repugs, if they can't beat 'em they'll starve 'em. This reminds of when these Republiscam kkkonservatives tried to starve all these school lunch program students by cutting back on the rate of growth of these programs when they took over Congress in 1994. Can you imagine how eeeevvviiiilll someone has to be to want to starve young school children, throw all the elderly out of the retirement homes and hospices, and make churches feed the homeless? Not to mention wanting to pollute all our drinking water as well as the air we all have to breath. Momma didn't raise no fool!

You don't see people starving in the streets in socialist countries like the old Soviet Union do you? I mean, at least they have places for them to work and sleep like in Siberia. Now that's a compassionate government.

[Che Guevarito]

Doesn't it just irk you that Rush Limbaugh gets to survive the famine by convincing the inner-city poor to buy his books and listen to his propaganda, thus stealing food out of poor their mouths and pills out of their medicine cabinets. That porcine slob with his partisan drivel is so full of crap and potato chips, it's obvious to any thinking human.

But the evangelicals can't get past their sycophantic adoration of his massive, disgusting self. They're so brainwashed by the kkkorpulent slob that they won't even go to the theater and watch "Bowling for Columbine," "Farenheit 911 (488.33 Celsius)," or buy "Stupid White Men," "I'll Take That With Extra Mayo," "Will They Ever Trust Us Again," "Dude, Where's my Country," or "Are you Gonna Finish That?"! And then they make snyde remarks about Michael's appearance and his unique approach to personal hygeine.

Oh the hypocrisy. I wonder what Oliver's opinion is?

[Barney Frank]

Hmmmmm.....Oliver Willis is dreeeeaaamy!!

[Oliver Willis]

EEEuuwww... Barney, I am like you know, kryptonite to stupid, so I am no good for you, baby. I am saving myself for Michael Jackson.

[bluestateredneck]

Kurt Cobain actually died from sarvation on the mean streets of Seattle. You could tell he was on the way out when he appeared on MTV unplugged and tried to croak out several tunes while plunking on his guitar. Mrs. redneck called me into the den when I was outside in the garden munching on some echinacea. When I opened the patio door I heard this sound much like someone skinning a live bear and knew right away that it was either a 50 car pile-up or the haunting melody of a soon to be rock legend. Never again will we see Kurt rummaging through a landfill for that last sip of KKKolumbian KKKarmel KKKofee garnished with roadkill.

[Friend of USA]

On my trash can you can read ;

" Contains no preservatives, no Mono Sodium Glutamate, no artificial colouring or flavoring, no genetically modified food and our coffee was bought from fair trade shops."

It's my own little way of helping the downtrodden, I get such a warm feeling everytime I put the trash out.

[chief crazy whores]

Ugh, me no like.

[bluestateredneck]

Sounds like chief crazy whores has been smoking some creeping red fescue in the old peace pipe.

[adam & stever]

I'm personally going to follow the sterling example of that paragon of anti-corporate gluttony, Mike Al-Moor. I'm going to strive for self discipline and austerity. I will reject all bourgeois self indulgence just like Mike.

[dooley]

Walker, eh? What a fascinating coincidence... for is not Shrubya's full name George Walkkker Bush? This corporate bum is clearly a plant and a fifth-column sellout, and the big Reich Wing Conspiracy-controlled media are trying to pump him up as some sort of freedom fighter. I wouldn't be surprised if Rove were involved in this. Rove and his Haliburton buddies trying to genocidally displace the abject masses of indigent layabouts from their rightful dumpsters. Whoa! Another clue just jumped out at me! Haliburton is trying to monopolize the MacDonalds dumpsters, and for what reason? To secure a stranglehold on the grease reserves! All those greasy burgers and all that deep-frying fat, just so Rove and his buddies can continue to drive their big SUVs to the big game!

[Red Loser]

I sort of unofficially took over the leadership role when the club chairman keeled over after drinking three bottles fished out of a truck stop dumpster full of what he assumed was lemon Gatorade. The last thing he said before he doubled over in gut-wrenching agony was "I can't believe what people are throwing away these days!"

Let that be a warning to you, kids: stay away from Mountain Dew.

If you're going to hit a "Taco Bell" dumpster--you must always FIRST dive a Fire Station dumpster in search of Hazmat suits, regulation uniform for the Taco Bell dive.

CKCat, it is also necessary to dive into an Osco Drugs dumpster for a jumbo size case of Imodium.

[CKCat]

Good Point, Red! Of course, any drugstore would do, I guess: Walgreens, Longs.....

Poor (Howie-)Dean04, he's created a new little playmate for himself, I suppose so he wouldn't be *talking to himself* over at his bah-log. FrankenDean's newest "offspring": Drago Milovechek. Perhaps he picked him up while dumpster diving.

How-Deanie: One more child the Instituions have left behind. YIKES! And to add insult to paranoi..err...self inflicted injury--he's not allowing anonymous comments. Dean04 Ghost town: population 3 (in a Sybil on the short bus kind of way)

[Pol Pothead]

And, like, once again, the Professym blows the dumpster lid off the total bogusness that is life in Bushevik Amerikkka. We can, like, totally put dudes on the Moon and sh*t, but the marginalized persyns of our society have to survive by picking sh*t out of garbage heaps. What a total indictment of, like, capitalism or whatever. Something has to be, like, I dunno, done. We progressyves need to, like, form a committee to do a study on setting up a task force to look into the feasibility of establishing a commission to set up a government agency to teach these poor unfortunates how to shoplift.

'Cause it's just like the old proverb says: Steal sh*t for a man and he'll eat for a day; teach a man to steal sh*t and you'll be totally wondering where all of your sh*t went.

[Crouton]

Maybe it's the beer talking, but everyone's in rare form today!!!1!

[Hankmeister]

Do you realize how many tons of food Americans throw away each day? Well, more than Michael Moore can eat, that's fer sure.

But my point is we should schedule more protest marches to bring attention to this plight of the starving people in America. I just read where one in three American children are starving to death and one in five are already in advance stages of malnutrition! That's why the poor look like they are seventy pounds overweight, it's their distended stomachs due to starvation.

So what we progressives should propose to the federal government is a system much like what San Francisco did in supplying the homeless with shopping carts so they can not only carry their earthly possessions around with pride but also derive a much needed sense of self-esteem. Similarly, those forty million starving Americans should be given a license which allows them first shot at dumpster food as well as weekend access to local landfills to get cast-off furniture or any other pre-loved amenities they might need to outfit their alley or cardboard box.

Personally I would be more than happy to invite a homeless person into my own home except for the vexing problem that we're remodeling the extra bedroom and are also a little short of ready cash since we've bought that cottage on the lake, the new powerboat, and a 2005 Ford F-250 truck to tow the boat. A person just has to have a little home-away-from-home to get away from all their $elfi$h neo-kkkon neighbors in this red state. Hey, be sure and buy union and buy America when going for those big ticket items!

"The happiest is the person who suffers the least pain; the most miserable who enjoys the least pleasure." Jean Jacques Rousseau

[Steel]

How could you possibly omit Red Robin from your itinerary? You REALLY think those are beef burgers?

[BignJames]

"...a weird guy in a clown suit edged up next to me and asked if I'd like to see his "Super Size Big Mac".

Well? WELL?!? Dude, don't leave us hanging!

[RTG]

Similarly, those forty million starving Americans should be given a license which allows them first shot at dumpster food as well as weekend access to local landfills to get cast-off furniture or any other pre-loved amenities they might need to outfit their alley or cardboard box.

There is so much to love and admire about this passage, but I think what really makes me feel all soft and fuzzywarm inside is "pre-loved" amenities.

I've never heard that expression before. But I'm going to use it everywhere now. Especially when talking about pre-loved food. My Lord, you guys have brought enrichment to my life beyond measure.

[flowergirl]

if everyone wood just be willing to pay 15 cents a day more taxes, we could make homo's out of all the homeless.

P s: put a flower in a dumpster today!!

[Che Guevarito]

I'm a vegetarian, but barbecued baby back ribs are a guilty pleasure.

I can relate. I'm a vegan, but I occasionally gorge myself on animal crackers.

[Dr. Hager]

Republican Family Values=Anally raping wives, Jeff Gannon, Mayor of Spokane, Bolton at Plato's Retreat...

and Clinton was a scumbag?