Attack of the Memes

I despise memes. Everyone gets them, everyone hates them, but no one has the guts to break the chain. Two notorious neocons thought it would be cute to curse me with a meme, and unless I pass them on I will probably get dragged off to Abu Ghraib with the Dixie Chicks and Bill Maher.

The first comes from KJ at No Government Cheese, who was tagged by our old friend Pile On and decided to share the misery. Thanks a bunch, Kim.

The concept is simple enough. You start with the phrase "Turd in a punchbowl", add a clever phrase of your own, followed by "Turd in a Punchbowl" again, and then conclude with a line that rhymes with your first. The end result should sound something like a cross between a Bukowski poem and a Mad Lib. You must complete two whole stanzas and pass it on to three other suckers before the curse is lifted. Here's what I came up with:

Turd in a punchbowl,
Bush stole the election,
Turd in a punchbowl,
pee-Resident by SE-lection.

Turd in a punchbowl,
laid by Halliburton,
Turd in a punchbowl,
Our democracy is hurtin'.

Moving right along...I'm passing the turd to three beautiful ladies whom I love and adore...Arianna Huffington, Goosesteppin' Dana, and Oliver Willis.

The second annoying meme comes from...why, if it isn't Goosesteppin' Dana over at Note-It posts!

Yup, Goosesteppin' Dana stuck me with the second meme a couple of weeks ago. I had hoped that through carefully calculated procrastination, I could put it off long enough to be hit by a bus and spared having to respond. Unfortunately, I'm still here, and Dana is threatening me with legal action unless I complete the chain.

The object is to take the list of statements, conclude at least five of them, and then pass them on to three other unsuspecting saps.

For instance, one of Dana's entries was:

"If I could be a lawyer…I’d sue the pants off of whiny, liberal, Wal-Mart obstructionists. Then cackle in glee as they all fled into the store to buy new pants."

She's a right-wing fascist, but she's as cute as a button.

So here's the list with my answers:

If I could be a scientist…I find some way to convince Bush that unless he ratifies Kyoto immediately, Marshall, Will, and Holly will be sucked through a time vortex to a mysterious land ruled by an advanced race of reptilian Starbucks baristas.
If I could be a farmer…the narcs would probably burn my crop of glaucoma medicine again.
If I could be a musician…I'd be ashamed that George Bush was from Texas.
If I could be a doctor…I'd provide inexpensive pharmaceuticals to the needy. I mean, more so than I do now.
If I could be a painter…there'd be neither black nor white paint on my palette. Just several inoffensive shades of gray.
If I could be a gardener...I'd move my crop of glaucoma medicine into the basement where the narcs couldn't find it.
If I could be a missionary…I'd give small pox to the indigenous peoples, just to stay in character.
If I could be a chef, I'd drop to my knees and beg forgiveness for 2000 years of white chef hegemony.
If I could be an architect…and you were my lady, would you marry me anyway? Would you have my baby?
If I could be a linguist…I'd write a series of pamphlets on the evils of capitalism and sell them on amazon.com for twenty bucks a pop.
If I could be a psychologist...I'd stop wasting my time on the families of 9/11 victims and devote my life to healing the emotional wounds of former Abu Ghraib prisoners.
If I could be a librarian…I'd remove all the books from the shelves so the homeless would have a place to put their empty malt liquor bottles while they are napping.
If I could be an athlete…I'd break my neck jumping through hoops to free Mumia.
If I could be a lawyer…I'd sue the hoop manufacturer.
If I could be an innkeeper...I'd make the evangelical religious nuts sleep in the garage.
If I could be a professor…I'd draw Binky off the back of a matchbook and get tenure at the University of Colorado.
If I could be a writer…I'd write a book about a girl and her pet goat, so Bush has something to read the next time Karl Rove flies planes into our buildings.
If I could be a llama-rider, some sunuva bitch would die.
If I could be a bonnie pirate…I'd find a more gender-neutral profession.
If I could be an astronaut…I'd concentrate more on the problems we have right here at home, rather than waste time and money exploring the cold, vacuum of outer space where there's no property to tax nor rich people to bleed.

Ah, what fun.

I'll be passing this one off to three swell guys: Dean04Prez (in the name of all things decent and holy, give the man some traffic, folks!), Bubblehead, and Rosie O'Donnell.

Now that I have purged the last vestiges of memes from my draft folder, I say unto thee: Don't send me any more!

Comments

[Dean04Prez]

I haev traffic. CKMtnLioness visits an avrage of 8 times a hour. I haev close to 3000 hits in teh last month and only 1200 of thoes were her.

[brainsample]

"If I could be an architect…and you were my lady, would you marry me anyway? Would you have my baby?"

Save your love through loneliness,
Save your love through sorrow,
I gave you my only-ness
Give me your tomorrow.

--Johnny and June Carter Cash

Jesus, Larry, you're getting profound.

Reminds me of what the wiseman at Indy Media said:

"A mystic swims where a madman drowns"

Keep swimming, baby.

Hey! Am I first?

[Che Guevarito]

Dean posted before you, so yes, you are!

[brainsample]

Thanks for the clarification.

It's the only sense of accomplishment I've felt in a week.

[camojack]

"If I could be a linguist…"

I'd be a cunning one...

[Dean04Prez]

"If I could be an architect…and you were my lady, would you marry me anyway? Would you have my baby?"

Save your love through loneliness,
Save your love through sorrow,
I gave you my only-ness
Give me your tomorrow.

--Johnny and June Carter Cash

/character mode off

I have this song as performed by Leonard Nimoy on CD and thats God's honest truth. When I make an MP3 out of it, my collection will be complete.

[Cricket]

Oh Larry, you hussy. You know you want the memes, and you know you want the liberals to give them to you.

As always, a meme is a terrible thing to waste.

[Cricket]

Leonard Nimoy singing? That is as oogie as William Shatner singing. Aw....*shudder* now I have to go purge my ears.

[CKCat]

Turd in a punchbowl
Overhead moonbats fly
Turd in a punchbowl
Karl Rove makes them cry.

Turd in a punchbowl
It explains how they think.
Turd in a punchbowl.
When they dive in and drink.

[The moral to the story is:
It's better to drink and dive than dive and drink.]

[bridge to tomorrow]

I think you meant:

"If I could be an architect…and you were my lady, would you marry me anyway? Would you abort my baby?"

I know damn well you aren't trying to enslave some poor woman are you? I won't even go into the disgusting heteronormality of this entry.

Turd in a Punchbowl
Floating in the Waves
Turd in a Punchbowl
Serve it up to Shays (the reactionary hard right rethug in the house)

(btw Larry, I followed you over to Iddybud, and posted in the thread where she says she's often compared to Patty Murray. After congratulating her on the comparison I noted that being compared to Ms. Murray is like being compared to Forrest Gump. Apparently she considered that to be profane so she deleted it. I have no idea why she was offended.)

[Cricket]

Because she is a slow witted Northwesterner? Because she is a blogger in tennis shoes? Because she is a progressyve womyn? Because she thinks Forrest refers to Bush? That's deep.

[Pile On®]

Lar (can I call you Lar, Lar)said I was an old friend. Isn't he just the sweetest little man.

[Friend of USA]

Turd in a punchbowl

So southern comfort in the punch

Turd in a punchbowl

might not be the origin

Turd in a punchbowl

of the colorful expression

Turd in a punchbowl

Dude! I really got shit-faced !

[Hankmeister©]

Look, it's all so easy. We don't need this "meme" crap. Goosestepping Shrubya is Hitler reincarnated and when a foreign dictator passes gas after eating a big bean burrito with extra quacamole compliments of the slave labor that Central America has been reduced to as a result of Republican administrations...IT'S ALWAYS AMERIKA'S FAULT.

Peace.

[Hankmeister©]

I'm so embarrassed. The last line should read: "...as a result of RETHUGLICAN administrations..."

I'm just finding out my "tin-foil" hats are really made out of aluminum foil hence my inabililty to concentrate properly. That dang fat cat Rethuglican grocer lied to me.

[Cricket]

I think Larry needs to blog on Cinco de Mayo and the defeat of the Phrench Dragoons who wanted payback before the UN and the IMF came along. The Mexicans won. And now, at taquerias and On The Border restaurants all across America, it will be hoist a 'rita day in honor of the Maximilianos.

Viva la Mexico!

[Che Guevarito]

Turd in a punchbowl
I should write a nice Haiku
Turd in a punchbowl

[Liberal Larry]

Actually, I was thinking of the Bobby Darin version. I don't like his earlier stuff, but in the late 60's when he cut his balls off and let his hair grow out, he was simply fantastic.

[Dean04Prez]

Leonard Nimoy singing? That is as oogie as William Shatner singing. Aw....*shudder* now I have to go purge my ears.

Well....William Shatner doesnt exactly "sing" per se. He....READS....with....exaggerated....EMOTION.

Leonard Nimoy actually sings, but without the benefit of any prior voice coaching or training.

It really is an unforgettable experience.

[Friend of USA]

What is the correct pronunciation for " memes "?

Anyone ?

[JannyMae]

Dean04 forgot his typos in that last post. Slipping, Dean!

[Cricket]

Leonard Nimoy singing and Dean04 shrieking.
Neither one with coaching or training. Got it.

[Cassandra]

Heh. Larry got dragged kicking and screaming onto the Memewagon.

What the helk am I laughing about?

And it's "Mem", as in "rhymes with them". With a short "e".

[Lonely Man]

If I were the President, I would use my power to make people talk to and date me; and I would refuse to let the authorities enforce restraining orders on me.

If I were an architect, I would build secret passages in my buildings so I could be near people and pretend that they were my roommates or significant others.

If I were a professor, I would suggest, very subtelly, to girls that dates would be good for grades. And I would go to lots of conferences, because those personalities would not be turned off even by me.

If I were a librarian, I would live a lonely, quiet life, which is pretty much what I live now except when women are screaming at me over the phone to leave them alone and never call back and to quit hanging out outside of their apartment.

[Olliver Willis's stomach]

Do you like the new look of me blog, Larry. if so, please donate a few slices of pizza.