As millions of pilgrims continued to hack up gallons of black, sooty phlegm, violent coughing gave way to jubilant cheers as plumes of white smoke shot out of the train whistle atop the Sistine Chapel and immediately began intimidating and opressing the cloud of black smoke hanging over St. Peter's Square. The funkadelic sounds of George Clinton that had been blaring out of loudspeakers for days was quickly replaced with church bells and close harmony Gregorian chanting, the traditional signal that a new Pope had been chosen.
Although this was the quickest and smoothest Pope election in papal history, tempers flared when then cardinal from Florida became confused and voted for Pat Buchanan. But when the black smoke finally cleared, the godly gang unanimously agreed that the new Pope would be none other than Italian actor and devout Catholic, Joe Pesci. A scuffle broke out during the closed door meeting when one of the cardinals called him a "funny guy", but Joe, aka Pope Benedict XVI, was confirmed this morning and awarded the coveted neon Pope hat, and use of the company car.
It is a joyous occasion indeed for many Catholics, but the thousands of same-sex couples and abortionists gathered outside St. Peter's Basilica wonder if this new pontiff will have the courage to bring the church into the 21st century, or will he simply call them "sh** kickin', stinky, horse-manure smellin' motherf*****s" and whack them upside the head with a baseball bat.