Joe Pesci is Elected New Pope

As millions of pilgrims continued to hack up gallons of black, sooty phlegm, violent coughing gave way to jubilant cheers as plumes of white smoke shot out of the train whistle atop the Sistine Chapel and immediately began intimidating and opressing the cloud of black smoke hanging over St. Peter's Square. The funkadelic sounds of George Clinton that had been blaring out of loudspeakers for days was quickly replaced with church bells and close harmony Gregorian chanting, the traditional signal that a new Pope had been chosen.

Although this was the quickest and smoothest Pope election in papal history, tempers flared when then cardinal from Florida became confused and voted for Pat Buchanan. But when the black smoke finally cleared, the godly gang unanimously agreed that the new Pope would be none other than Italian actor and devout Catholic, Joe Pesci. A scuffle broke out during the closed door meeting when one of the cardinals called him a "funny guy", but Joe, aka Pope Benedict XVI, was confirmed this morning and awarded the coveted neon Pope hat, and use of the company car.

It is a joyous occasion indeed for many Catholics, but the thousands of same-sex couples and abortionists gathered outside St. Peter's Basilica wonder if this new pontiff will have the courage to bring the church into the 21st century, or will he simply call them "sh** kickin', stinky, horse-manure smellin' motherf*****s" and whack them upside the head with a baseball bat.

Comments

[Supernatural Rabbit Scribe]

Ooh, I was so rooting for Desmond Tutu!

So, how do you mean "funny?" He's some kind of clown, just here to amuse you?

[CKCat]

IMHO, Joe ePiscopo would have been a better choice, so as to bring unity between Catholics and the "Catholic Lites".

I find the picture of Pope Benedict Arnold XVI at FAUX news (you can't use) disturbing. It's either Robert Schuller or Dick Cheney on the Popes left. In a clever manuever, Pope B-XVI has his arms raised, hiding Cheney-Schullers face from the nose down & obscuring the gun he's got poked in the Nazi Popes side.

[Che Guevarito]

Crap! I didn't win. And after all the flesh I pressed at the Basillica...

At least he's 78. It could be a matter of days before I get to run again. Right now, I need to reorganize and energize my base. Do you think Howard Dean could help my campaign?

[brainsample]

Joe Piscopo is too passe. I would have chosen James Gandolfini or Sonny Bono's widow.

Nevertheless, like Che, I am disheartened at the Church's choice, its failure to grasp a truly golden opportunity.

Now Roger Mahoney will have to continue to hide and protect the saint-like priests in his arch-diocese who were intent on spreading altar boys'... er, the true gospel to the faithful.

Che, I think Paul Begala and James Carville would serve you better in your ongoing campaign. Howard might prove to be a little too volatile for the fragile, fascist conclave. Plus, Carville's ability to create catchy campaign calls would catch on quickly.

IT'S THE CELIBACY, STUPID!

[DancesWithBullets]

I thought he kind of looked like the emperer from Star Wars.
I had the theme song for the empire playing in my mind the whole time watching the new fag basher and master of the evil Bush Empire.
I too was hoping for Desmond Tutu or better yet Nelson Mandela that way they can finaley make the church more progressive. I can see it now, instead of Benedict XVI they would have said "HABEMUS PAPAM! Malcolm X"
Obviously selecting a German Pope is a simple move by the Bush administration to Opress Homosexuals and cross-gendered persons and to try to get on the good side of the German people after he so blatently ignored their cries for us to surrender to the French.
That Carl Rove is one smart Jew. Not that thats a bad thing.

[Bush Ate My Soul...]

I thought Jesse Jackson was a shoe-in myself. Until we have a Brothuh or a Womyn in the Vatican, I refuse to bow down and worship God - this is just more evidence He is a racist, misogynst throwback to the Old Testament.

Who needs him?

[CK Cat]

Hmmm...? Like "they" can hide the agenda....
Joseph Ratzinger:

Joseph--as in Stalin...???

Unscramble that last name:
(Boy *they* pulled a) Zinger on us: a Nazi Rat.

And you thought I was joking about that psychedelic colored 2nd hand smoke?

[Dean04Prez]

LIke many other like minded progressives like myself world wide I am deepley dismayed that teh catholic church would select a radical christian extremeist jesus freak as pope.

I totaly hope some progressive politican or some one else who is also important is going to demand a recount becasue I know that the true like minded progressives like myself who were in the concave (I wasnt' there) were not adequately represented and may haev been intimidated by the not progressive cardinals

[Crouton]

If the Vatican is going to get its approval numbers back up and restore its old popularity, it will need to move to the Sacred Middle Ground on issues like random sex and mercy/convenience killing.

Also, note that the KKKardinals borrowed a page from the Diebold/Repug playbook by burning their ballots, thereby eliminating the paper trail and preventing a recount (a lot of the more liberal Cardinals were probably confused by the ballots, but now they can't contest the result).

[Che Guevarito]

Is anyone else suspicious of these evangelicals adopting a stage name when they're sElected for Popedom? Do they think they're some kind of celebrity?

If a birthname is good enough for Alan Alda, Tom Cruise, Marilyn Monroe, P.Ditty, and Mohammed Ali, then it's good enough for the Pope!

And if you are going to take a stage name, why would you go with something as stuffy as "Benedict XVI" (What the hell does XVI spell, anyway?)? He'll probably be succeeded by Pope Thurston Howell III. I'd make my pseudonym cool, like "Pope'n Bennies", "Grand Master P", "Pope-Yuri", or "Papal Smear".

No, I'm not bitter about losing.

[Cricket]

Joe Pesci is the new Pope? Why was Hillary discarded?

[CKCat]

"Until we have a Brothuh or a Womyn in the Vatican"

BAMS: (nice name for an exotic dancer)
We were only TOLD by the rightwing extremist MSM that Andrea Dworkin died, just like they did with Elvis. Is there actual evidence? Is not the timing of her *departure* so close to that of Pope John Pauls highly suspicious?

Furthermore, when you run the new Popes 2 names through the anagram generator, here are a few of the results, in CAPS:

GARTER SHE ZIP JON---
nuff(emme') said?

IBID CENT POPE VEX---
like his predecessor, he's only in it for the money and to plague & afflict anti-capitalists.

BOVINE EXPECT DIP--
In his inuguration speech, he'll finally reveal that he's discovered a cure for mad cow disease---which, BTW--- he's been sitting on awaiting such a time as he'd acquire fame, so he could become filthy rich off of the pharmaceutical industry.

You don't honestly believe a person can make this stuff up, do you?

Oh, and after Bushitler offs this new guy--- both o' BAMS wishes will be fulfilled cuz, Oprah's NEXT. We'll just call her "Poperah"

[Bush Ate My Soul...]

Oh my dear Goddess... anoint me up with Mango-flavored shea butter and call me TigerLily!

Why didn't I see it? The day of the SistahHood is finally at hand! Oprah will sit at the right hand of the DWorkinaliate and we'll all romp in the moonlight in a joyous, unbridled celebration of our collective Womynhood. Imagine: millions of glorious, untrammelled Womyn ovulating pointlessly in ecstatic unison under the beneficent light of Diana! Not a P.E.N.I.S. in sight!

*Sigh*

[Cricket]

And that's the helk of it...

[Mumblix Grumph]

Hmm...he looks a little like Pesci, but he really looks like that guy on that show...you know THAT guy, the one who was in that movie with that chick? No! Not that guy...the OTHER guy!

[Nick]

Sheesh, who was the poor Cardinal he pistol whipped?

[Jazz]

Lmfaoooo.
I can't believe I didn't see that. Haha.