The Chimp that Stole Earth Day

I just can't seem to get into the Earth Day spirit this year. Between Easter, the death of Pope Torquemada and the subsequent election of Pope Hitler, the fundies have completely turned the whole vernal equinox into a great big psuedo-religious farce.  I'm so burned out on Xian bullshit that even the appearance in my emailbox of a very special Earth Day message from Steven Seagal failed to put me in a festive mood.

On the other hand, what's to celebrate, anyway? Our ecosystem is on the verge of collapse, thanks to Bush. His Big Oil Buddies are drilling in the once pristine Alaskan National Wildlife Refuge. The rotting corpses of dead CIA agents are polluting the once pristine waters of the Tigris River. Carcinogens are polluting the once pristine follicles of Jane Fonda's hair. The ice caps are melting, Mt. St. Helens is erupting, and human fingers are springing out of our once pristine chili. The whole wyrld is going to hell in a non-biodegradable handbasket and that CHIMP doesn't even give a damn. One would think that SElected peeResident in thiEF could find a little time in his busy schedule to come down off the mountain and celebrate an international celebration of peace and love with the little Whos of Whoville. But then again, he probably couldn't get Pat Robertson's permission.

One thing's for certain: a President Ralph Nader would never have been so consumed by superstitious religious beliefs that he'd be afraid to wear flowers in his hair and dance naked amongst the sacred ferns with the Elders of the Olde Way. Then again, Ralph Nader doesn't get his kicks pouring barrels of arsenic into our water supply.

My clinical depression notwithstanding, I did get up enough gumption to participate in some Earth Day activies. Every year, a bunch of us from Seattle Hemp Products like to spend the day doing something to make the world a greener place for our chemically lobotomized children - although every year Bush does his best to spoil it. Last year, we planted 30 young trees along a nearby riverbank. Overnight, Republicans crept in, gnawed down every single tree, and dragged them into the river. A week later, the entire parking lot was under a foot of water. If the destruction of just 30 trees was enough to melt the ice caps and flood our parking lot, just think of what Bush's wholesale destruction of entire forests are doing to our precious planet.

This year, we decided to chase away our doldrums by marching to city hall on our lunch break and having a Prayer Circle for Peace. There's a large lawn in front of the building, and we found a nice shady spot of grass unspoiled by man. But no sooner had we assumed the lotus position than a pair of undocumented landscapers began cursing at us in español.

"I think they want to mow the lawn," said Phil from Accounting.

"Fantastic," I spat. "Can't we spend just one day out of the year without devastating our precious natural resources?"

We ignored the unbelievers and continued our ceremony.

As Earth Day tradition dictated, I handed a small box of pine cones to the person immediately to my right in the pray circle, Peter from Marketing.

"Taketh a pine cone and eateth it," I instructed him, "for it is the flesh of Gaia. He who eateth the flesh of Gaia shall have breath like an air freshener for at least 12 hours."

Pete took a pine cone and passed the box down.

After everyone partook of a pine cone, I handed a recycled paper cup full of yellowish liquid to the person sitting at my left, Paul from Public Relations.

"Drinketh from this cup. For it is the blood of Gaia, and he who hath drinketh the blood of Gaia shall be blessed with severe stomach cramps, followed by an ambulance ride to the emergency room, and then total enlightment."

Paul took a small sip and quickly spat it out in disgust.

"WHAT IS THIS?" he cried. "CAT PISS?"

"Close," I told him. "It's Mountain Dew. Pass it down."

After everyone had sipped from the sacred chalice, I lead a non-denominational Earth Day prayer for world peace.

"Infinite Spirit, Grandfather, Grandmother, Father Sky, Earth Mother, Great Heavenly Uncle who Lives Under the Viaduct and Reeks of Malt Liqour," I began, "We gather here today to praise your creation and open our unworthy orifices to your holy guidance. Help us to understand and achieve our place in the cosmos—not at the center of it, but a balanced and more tolerant place slightly to the left of center, where every step we take becomes a prayer carried up to your excessively pierced ears on gossamer wing. Oh great purveyor of silly hats, give us the courage to live in harmony with the vast, vibrating, and occasionaly undulating ecosystem, joyfully singing the Song of Life, available on CD and cassette at most Tower Records locations, a small portion of the proceeds going towards the preservation and maintenance of Jane Fonda's pristine hair follicles. O Wondrous Father Trees, sacred elders of a gentle race, flatulators of the precious air we breathe: give unto us your precious gifts of fruit, so that we may pelt conservative speakers with them, and in so doing nibble upon your sacred leaves of tolerance. Show us the way towards mutual interrelatedness, cosmic interdependence, and the seamless procreation of generations of drooling idiots, so that life will not end in smog-choked skies blotting out the sun, but rather in an orgasmic utopia of clean air, healthy forests, wholesome water, inexpensive abortions, socialized health care, forced labor camps..."

"And casual sex!" Jerry in Marketing interrupted.

"...and casual sex," I continued, "for all critters and sub-critters great and small. Oh blessed Mother Starshine, nurture us in your metaphorical uterus, a hollow muscular organ located in the pelvic cavity of female mammals in which the fertilized egg implants and develops, so that we may become not your exploiters, but your loyal stewards, ending the immoral and unsanctioned-by-France wars that plague us like rug burns on our pasty white thighs, and unite the peoples of all races, religions, and sex orientations together into one unified, collective Hive Mind of Love. We pray in the name of the Creator, Gunga Galunga...gunga -- gunga galunga...goonga, galunga..."

Before I could complete the final seven stanzas of Goonga Galungas, the fascist landcapers cranked up their lawnmower and began pushing it towards our prayer circle, rivers of decimated grass clippings spewing forth from it's metallic blowhole. The other members of the circle pressed their hands to their ears and wailed in pain, the horrendous screams of thousand of blades of grass too much for their gentle souls to bear.

"Bloodthirsty maniacs!!!" exclaimed Doug from Accounting.

"Murdering fascists!!" screeched Marge from Human Resources.

"I'm sitting in dog poop!" blubbered Al from Shipping.

Furious, I leapt to my feet and defiantly shook my fists at the latino lawn mowing monsters.

"YE SHALL NOT PASS!!!!!" I roared.

Paralyzed with fear, they stopped the Lawnmower of Death about six inches from my Birkenstocks and stomped off.  They returned minutes later with the head groundskeeper, who could have passed for a Scotsman if he had been wearing a kilt and wasn't Chinese.

"I'm sick of chasing you hippies out of here!" he yelled at us angrily. "One of these days, you're going to pick the wrong mushroom and kill yourselves, and I'm the one who is going to get sued!"

"Peace be upon you, Earth Brother," I greeted him. "But we are not picking mushrooms. Today is Earth Day, and we have come together in fellowship and prayer. You are welcome to join us, if you like."

"Prayer?" he snorted. "This is city property! You can't pray here!"

"Worry not, Earth Brother," I assured him. "for it is not a Christian prayer. We're praying for peace and love, not war and hate."

"Doesn't matter," he snapped. "Religious activities of any kind are not permitted on city property!"

"Since when?" I asked, incredulous.

"Since this Lawrence Chomstein asshole threatened the city council with legal action if they didn't enforce the Constitutional Separation Between Church and State."

I threw my dreamcatcher to the ground. "THAT WAS FOR NATIVITY SCENES, YOU INTOLERANT BASTARD!!!"

"Nativity scenes, prayer circles. Religious activities are religious activites," he replied. "Now pick up your dreamcatchers, your bongo drums, and your pretty purple rocks and get out of here before I call the cops!"

"The cops?" Jerry in Accounts Receivable whined. "What for? I didn't do anything! I'm not with these people? I don't even know this guy!"

Somewhere in the distance, a rooster crowed.

We spent the remainder of our lunch break at Taco Bell, shovelling 79 cent tacos down our gullets and cursing George W. Bush for ruining yet another Earth Day.

Comments

[banopus]

Free Moussaoui Now!

[Liberal Larry]

Free Moussaoui, with the purchase of a Moussaoui of equal or lesser value!

[Friend of USA]

Free proof reading.

1- One "your" too many
" ...so that we may pelt conservative speakers with your them."

2- One " w " missing ( stolen by W probably...)
"...I thre my dreamcatcher to the ground."

You are welcome Larry.

[Jeremy]

""Drinketh from this cup. For it is the blood of Gaia, and he who hath drinketh the blood of Gaia shall be blessed with severe stomach cramps, followed by an ambulance ride to the emergency room, and then total enlightment."

Didn't Jerry from Accounts also say that "You are a true son of Gaia!"

Didn't you prophesy that he would deny you three times, the number of purple hearts John Kerry has?

[JannyMae]

Whoa, so deep, Larry! I'm in awe. (I also noticed those typos that my Friend pointed out, but I won't be crass enough to mention it!) The really frightening thing about this whole post, is that Howie has one that's very similar, except that he seems serious!

[JannyMae]

Ooops! I'm mistaken, it is not Howie, but Dean04prez, who has a similar post. Begging everyone's pardon! (I can't imagine why I got the two confused)

[Friend of USA]

"(CNSNews.com) - A new MTV series features Hollywood celebrities praising the developing world's primitive lifestyles as earth-friendly -- despite those poor nations' high infant mortality rates and short life expectancies."
(...)
"Barrymore, apparently enthralled by the lack of a modern sanitary facilities, gleefully bragged, "I took a poo in the woods hunched over like an animal. It was awesome."
(...)
"When Barrymore (star of "E.T." and "Charlie's Angel's," to name a few of her films) bragged about defecating in the forest, Diaz responded she would like to have the same experience."
(...)
"I am so jealous right now, I am going -- I am going to the woods tomorrow," Diaz said. A clearly satisfied Barrymore laughed, repeating, "It was awesome."
(...)
"After her visit to Chile, Barrymore expressed guilt about not always adhering to earth-friendly practices. "
"Like I leave the light on all the time in my house because I want to feel safe..."

- - -

When reality is more satirical than one of Larry's excellent posts, I become...well...
commentless .

[banopus]

There is no such thing as a Moussaoui of lesser value! And I swear he did not kill that cop in Philly! So what exactly is he accused of anyway? By the way, I think it was a covey of beavers that got the trees. And do not go there with your Andrea D. stuff!!

[Friend of USA]

Me crass ? ;)

Liberals are bad on both sides of the border.Enjoy:

"by Judi McLeod, Canadafreepress.com
Friday, April 22, 2005

The Canadian company that Saddam Hussein invested a million dollars in belonged to the Prime Minister of Canada, canadafreepress.com has discovered.

Cordex Petroleum Inc., launched with Saddam’s million by Prime Minister Paul Martin’s mentor Maurice Strong’s son Fred Strong, is listed among Martin’s assets to the Federal Ethics committee on November 4, 2003.

Among Martin’s Public Declaration of Declarable Assets are: "The Canada Steamship Lines Group Inc. (Montreal, Canada) 100 percent owned"; "Canada Steamship Lines Inc. (Montreal, Canada) 100 percent owned"–Cordex Petroleums Inc. (Alberta, Canada) 4.6 percent owned by the CSL Group Inc."

Yesterday, Strong admitted that Tongsun Park, the Korean man accused by U.S. federal authorities of illegally acting as an Iraqi agent, invested in Cordex, the company he owned with his son, in 1997."

...

If you ain't got nothing better to do ( and of course - after - you are finished with Larry's excellent typo-less post * crass = me bad * ) you can check the rest at ;

http://www.canadafreepress.com/2005/cover042205a.htm

[Liberal Larry]

You want me to proof read that thing on a Friday night? It's nine miles long! You do it!

Oh, you did. Thanks.

Here's a picture of Zhang Ziyi with a milk mustache.

[camojack]

Yo, Larry:
"After everyone had patrook¹ of a pine cone"
"that plague our² us like rug burns"
"to³ much for their gentle souls to bear"

¹Should be "partook".
²Should be omitted.
³Should be "too". (With 2 "o's")

You're welcome...

[camojack...keeping the "anal" in analytical]

Actually, it should be "after everyone partook" or "after everyone had partaken", but not "had partook", or especially not "had patrook"...but it's your call, of course.

[bridge to tomorrow]

This entire post is way too heteronormative. I am deeply offended.

[sorecarphagus]

Earth Day is too much for me to take in. I think we ought to limit it some. Maybe next year we should just have a Cleveland day.

[howie]

See, Larry! See what I have to go through!!!!!!!!Preview is your friend!!!!!!!!!!

[Stoney]

Ha! Arguing grammar and punctuation at such a time! Sometimes the Word is more important than the message, and Lar's got the message. I mean, the Word. Take this, brother, may it serve you well.

[nerdwallet]

Tomorrow is Passover and as a citizen of earth I pray that as the Sun passes over you tomorrow you are blessed. (and your firstborn doen't get sunburn)

and for all you spellcheckers...maybe Lar was trying to give us sort of a 'Divinci code' with missing letters....I found this code....

SElected peeResident in thiEF
SEREF
SERF

[nerdwallet]

Sorry to double post but I just remembered this.
When I was in Highschool We actually got pencils from DuPont Paints that read, "Happy Earth Day!"

[Supernatural Rabbit Scribe]

"O Wondrous Father Trees, sacred elders of a gentle race...

From one son of a birch to another: Happy Earth Day!

[aelfheld]

A truly moving account.

Or maybe that's just the finger-food from Wendy's.

[Liberal Larry]

I proof read that damn thing 5 stinking times! I have this thing I do where I take a bong hit after every typographical error. By the time I published the entry, tracers were coming out of the little "caps lock" light on my keyboard. So I know for a fact that I corrected it pretty thoroughly.

[CKCat]

"So I know for a fact that I corrected it pretty thoroughly."

Given all the type-o's you made, Larry, one could easily "assume" that your *facts* have become as credible as howies.

Perhaps you've engaged in some new under the sink habits....like braiding together a Lysol Santizing wipe™, Clorox Disinfecting Wipe™ & a Natures Miracle Pet wipe™ and stuffing a braid end in each of your nostrils....? Fashionable? Yes....Safe combo?...NO! Also, FYI, just this week, on the radio, I heard Surgeon General J. Elders speak out strong against Snortin' Comet™. I'm sure it was only in honor of Earth Day,

Oh, and an aside---- Reason #245,987,538,766 for you being justifiably loathsome of your ♂ ness: Notice all the persyns bitching about your type-o's [not bothering to thank you for a great story, but publicly humiliating you, rather than privately writing you] are of the phallus bearer persuasion? Ask yourself these questions:
WWDD [what would Dworkin do?]
WWID [what would Iddybud do?] and
WCIBALAMG [Why Can't I Be As Ladylike as Moxie Grrrrl?]

[JannyMae]

Friend of USA, I did not mean to imply that you were, "crass." I was making a funny on myself!

CKCat: "Why can't I be as ladylike as MoxieGrrl?" LMAO!

[Red Loser]

Come ON, folks. Larry has no need for Americentric concepts such as "spelling" and "grammar." Have you noticed that the poor of the world know next to nothing about these? Good spelling is a way by which the fat cats of society keep the little guys down. Stick it to the man and MISPELL!

[Friend of USA]

Janny, I was trying to be funny too, but since I missed more typos than I caught - as Camojak noticed - the joke is on me I guess...

And CKCat, I did praise Larry's creation - I called it EXCELLENT

:o and :)