Sparse blogging for the next few days, as I will be attending a conference in New York on The Secret Agenda of the Christian Right. I had planned to skip the annual Anti-Christian Hootenanny this year, but event organizers called last night and invited me to speak. So for two whole days, I'll enjoy the company of other progressive intellectuals, discussing ways to thwart the Christian conspiracy to replace our socialist utopia with a dominionist theocracy. It's not an ideal weekend, but it's better than sitting in a church on Sunday listening to a bunch of self-righteous blowhards blubber about the end of the world. Besides, I'm kind of looking forward to getting my chakras balanced with a good, old fashioned shiatsu enema. After two days of slamming Christians, there's nothing like a full energy healing of your Essence Domain to take your mind off the silly superstitions of the Religious Right.
Anyway, I prepared two speeches on the insidious evil of the Christian Right: Church Bake Sales, What You Can Do About Them and Christian Homeless Shelters, The Secret Right-Wing Agenda to Lure the Mentally-Ill Away from the Democrat Party. Conference suits thought the Bake Sales exposé wasn't anti-Christian enough, so instead I'll read from my unpublished underground leaflet, B-I-N-G-O spells "Theocracy".
Here's an excerpt:
"Although we are gathered here today to discuss a Final Solution to the Christian Problem, I must stress that we should in no way condone violence against Christians.
(pause for laughter)
No! Really! Although the Christian religion has been responsible for most of the human suffering in the world for the past 2000 years, now is not the time for paybacks. Calling for their systematic extermination will only fuel their paranoid fantasies about religious persecution and the "End Times". Rather, we must concentrate our efforts on mocking, ridiculing, and demonizing them in the media until we've exposed them for the intolerant bigots they are. Once we've marginalized and isolated them within a metaphorical walled ghetto of shame, we can purge society of their holier-than-thoustench, so they will no longer be able to poison the impressionable minds of our children with their warped ideas about "right" and "wrong".
Now don't get me wrong. I don't hate Christians. I am a Christian.
(pause for laughter)
No! Really! But as a Christian, I refuse to allow my religious beliefs to interfere with my political philosophy, whereas the zealots of the Christian Right never fail to let their religious beliefs interfere with my political philosophy.
Allow me to enlighten you with an amusing anecdote that illustrates my point, while cleverly whitewashing my religious bigotry with folksy humor.
As a high school student, I found myself among a growing group of disenfranchised youths who were cruelly denied the right to participate in extra-curricular sporting activities because of our spindly, spiderlike arms and complete lack of physical coordination. If only they had given out letters for superb spelling, I would have had enough for ten Letterman's jackets.
(pause for laughter)
No! Really! Rejected from the school-sponsored basketball team because of an antiquated "rulebook" written centuries ago by primitive jocks, we decided to create our own kinder, gentler version of the sport where dribbling was optional, the hoops were 5 feet off the ground, and opposing players were required to clear a path between you and the basket. By learning to work together instead of competing against one another, we could all concentrate on the real purpose of the game - having fun. Many an afternoon was spent enjoying our new egalitarian sport, though players from the official school team would often come by, call us "wussies", and threaten to snap our spines like twigs. And that was just the girl's basketball team.
This was my first taste of so-called "Christian Compassion".
(strike pensive Spock pose, slowly pace back and forth)
Years later, I would walk into a church-operated BINGO hall and experience the very same sort of bigotry and intolerance. After several hours of mindlessly placing red chips on numbered cards, I was approached by a church elder who said that I "didn't belong there", and that I would have to leave. "WHAT'S THE MATTER?" I screamed. " AFRAID TO HAVE SOMEONE AROUND WITH MORE SPIRITUALLY ENLIGHTENED RELIGIOUS VIEWS THAN YOUR OWN? OR IS IT THAT YOU JUST CAN'T TAKE A LITTLE COMPETITION, YOU SPINDLY-ARMED WUSSY?"
No, he said. It was a Senior Center, and you had to be over 65 years old to participate. Well, with an attitude like that, I was happy to leave - but not without taking the 12 cans of stewed prunes I had won fair and square.
(pause for effect. adjust tinfoil hat.)
We've tried to join their churches. They called us "sinners". We tried to update their religion to be more compatible with our enlightened lifestyles. They called us "heretics". We tried to combine their religious beliefs with our socialist utopian ideals. They called it "Jonestown". Now, the only hope we have to save America from the radical extremist Christian right and restore it to the godless orgy of sex and violence that our athiest Founding Fathers envisioned, is to recreate God in a more progressive image, one with the nurturing compassion of Bill Clinton, the social conscience of Michael Moore, and the libido of Ron Jeremy. Only then can gay transgendered abortionists walk the streets at night without being assaulted by radical Christian hate groups like the Cub Scouts."
At the conclusion of the conference, we plan to march uptown and demonstrate against the hateful anti-muslim bigotry of the three day "The Secret Agenda of Islamic Fundamentalists" series of lectures at Madison Square Garden.
See you Tuesday. The typos should keep you busy until I get back.