Torquemada on the Hot Seat

After years of running from the law and hiding in the hills of Tora Bora, the elusive Alberto "Torquemada" Gonzales is finally getting a taste of his own medicine - and all it took was for that moron Shrub to appoint him Attorney General. As if being a Hispanic Republican isn't evil enough, Gonzales was also the architect of Bush's 2002 "Final Solution" memo that condemned thousands of innocent Iraqi peasants to naked spankings. But now the tables have turned and Torquemada is getting a major butt-whoopin' of his own from the loyal opposition in Congress.

"Do you condone the torture of prisoners?" Arlen Specter demanded.

"Have you tortured any prisoners yourself?" Sen. Patrick Leahy hammered at him.

"How many prisoners have you tortured this week?" Sen. Chuck Schumer chimed in.

"Ever enjoy a nice taco while you torture a prisoner, Pancho?" Sen. Robert Byrd grilled him.

"How do you feel about death by slow drowning?" Sen. Kennedy bluntly asked.

But just like Condoskeeza, Gonzales sidestepped every question, prompting a furious Sen. Joe Biden to call for fresh make-up and glower melodramatically into the cameras.

"We're looking for candor, old buddy," Biden chided him. "I love you like my own gardener, but you're not very candid so far."

That's because he's guilty. It's all right there in The Memo.

Ah, yes, The Memo! Could this at last be The Memo that brings Bush down? Funny how he's spent his entire peeResidency running from one memo or another. First it was the infamous 9/11 memo which warned that Al Qaeda would be flying planes into the World Trade Center on 9/11. Bush ignored it and later claimed that the memo was so vague, he simply had no way of telling when an attack would occur. Gee, you think maybe they called it the "9/11 Memo" because the attacks were going to be on 9/11? Just a wild guess.

Then came the damning National Guard memos proving that Bush snorted cocaine and went AWOL for his entire so-called "military service". He still insists those documents are fakes, despite an overwhelming consensus at MoveOn.org that they're authentic.

Now comes the damning Torquemada Memo. While Bush was off digging up mass graves and making Saddam out to be some sort of mass-murdering monster, U.S. troops were under strict orders to pig-pile naked Iraqis, give them with wedgies, and even administer the humiliating "chocolate swirly" torture. Those Iraqis who were unfortunate enough to be held at Abu Ghraib went home with horrible memories, ghastly nightmares, and fraternity pins.

But despite selling out his race and torturing innocents, Gonzales' friendship with Bush alone should disqualify him. As geeOvernor of Texas, Bush pulled Gonzales right out of the bean fields and made him a state Supreme Court justice, endenturing him to the Shrub and clouding his judgment forever.

"You know there are going to be times when the attorney general of the United States has to enforce the law of the United States. He can't be worried about friends or colleagues at the White House. His duty is to all Americans," Leahy lectured him.

Which is exactly why Bill Clinton surrounded himself with complete strangers rather than fill his staff with childhood pals, business partners, or cabinet members from previous offices he held. There's just too much risk of corruption.

Comments

[Vishnu Troll Daddy Earth Goddess]

Damn, I miss Janet Reno. That man was a brilliant AG.

[aelfheld]

"[...] despite an overwhelming consensus at MoveOn.org that they're authentic."

Hugh Trevor-Roper signed off on them also.

[Bubblehead]

I bet ol' Speedy didn't expect a Spanish Inquisition... I read at DU that the memo also authorized the use of the "comfy chair" and "poking with soft cushions"...

[Brian]

You forgot one question:

"When did you stop torturing the poor Afghani innocents?"

[Supernatural Rabbit Scribe]

Perhaps Gonzalez could yet be disuaded from selling his own people down the river, but I doubt it. Once he's made up his mind, you can't torquemada anything...

[Rocky Smith]

How dare Arlen Specter ask the "ticking bomb question"? Surely he doesn't think a little torture is justified to save the sorry butts of 10-20,000 uncaring, spoiled Americans? Torture is NEVER JUSTIFIED, is it? Did he really expect an answer?

[Crouton]

I notice that Herr Schrub only supports affirmative action when it benefits him personally: he took a shine to Lil Pepe "Manual Labor" Gonzales and rescued him from a life of busting boulders, because he knew Pepe would carry his water and do his bidding. But let noble progressives do this very same thing for honorable reasons, and he'll fight it tooth and nail.

[Cricket]

I, for one, am so disgusted that Bush can't follow the example of his peeRedecessor in keeping his high office clean from the taint of nepots,
narcolepses, nihilists and other 'n' words.

Even Jimmeh Cawtah kept it civil.

[Kool-Aid Drinker's Domestic Partner]

I've been looking at some of the other names on that memo, and it's like a who's-who of the Bushitler Cabal: Hugh G. Rection, Heywood Jablomey, Phil McCrevis...

[Moonchild]

I've been away for a few days, and you guys have forgotten how to put the pieces together.

1. Bush is a raving cocaine-addled drug addict.
2. The best drugs in the world come from our friends 'South of the Border'.
3. Melon-Farmer Alberto Gonzalez's name translates into English as 'Bringer of White Powder'.

It's good to be back. I pass the bong

[Friend of USA]

Alberto Gonzales and the Taco Bell dog .

Where was I going with that ?

Never mind I'm hungry now ...

[Harvard@Cal]

"Making sure all these uppity brown-skins don't get too big fer their britches, it's a cross I have to burn...eh...bear."

-Sen. R. Byrd (D-Klanhollow)

[Sobek]

"Gee, you think maybe they called it the "9/11 Memo" because the attacks were going to be on 9/11? Just a wild guess."

It's hard to refute that kind of logic, but the Re-thug-licans just won't see it.

[Bug's Butt]

I'll just keep typing it: Brilliant.

[SheilaHurricaneJacksonLee]

"Damn, I miss Janet Reno. That man was a brilliant AG."

He still has school children urinating in fear all over the country. That's what a good AG does. Unfortunately the Bushitler family managed to quash Mr. Reno's bid for Governor of Florida.

[Summer]

Cool website.

It would be a travisty if Gonzalas became attorney general. We need to organize and do something about this instead of sitting around at our computers and talking about it.

[Pile On®]

You damn straight Summer....TESTIFY!!!

Biden chided him. "I love you like my own gardener, but you're not very candid so far."

If that isn't PeeUlitzer worthy, I can't know what is.

[Kool-Aid Drinker's Domestic Partner]

Summer (I won't hold it against you that you're named after a season of OPPRESSIVE heat), we're not just sitting around at our computers talking about this. We're also passing around a bong.

And if you don't pass it this way, I'm gonna have to go Ashcroft on your she-waifish flat little hiney.

[Doug]

You guys are all a hoot.

Too bad it's true that Shrubhitler's evil diabolical plan is behind ALL of it.

And he's so dumb can't even read at the level of "My Pet Goat"

And think of all those sheeple that are distracted from the real truth by calling Michael Moore fat, lazy, greedy and pig headed!

[Bad Commie]

We need torture to death every one of these filthy republi-fascists that thinks its OK to harm ONE HAIR on a terrorists head based on SHRUBS ORDERS OF MASS DESTRUCTION. LETS KILL THESE REPUBLI-FUCKERS AND SHOW THEM THAT WE ARE NOT THAT KIND OF COUNTRY!

[Van Helsing]

Who can pick out the comment above that was posted by someone who thought she was on Democratic Underground?

[JannyMae]

"Who can pick out the comment above that was posted by someone who thought she was on Democratic Underground?"

OOOOOO, OOOOOO! Pick me! Pick me! Er, um, uh, Summer, perhaps?

[bernie20]

JannyMae, no fair... you beat me to it...

[Red Loser]

Actually, Summer, I prefer to sit around at my computer and talk about it. Like most good liberals, I'd rather whine about all the horrible things Bushitler is doing than actually do something tangible and practical.

Also, my left hand got wedged in between my computer and desk when I reached for a Frito that fell on the floor. Somebody help!

[bernie20]

I wanted to get the prize...or bong...