"...James Earl Ray did not act alone. He had neither the money, the motive, nor the mobility to have done all that happened by himself. If, in fact, there were forces sinister enough in our government and in the private sector, a part of such a conspiracy, they may still be alive; they may still be blowing up government buildings." - Rev. Jesse Jackson, on Newshour
"The shot came from that clump of Bushes." Eyewitness account
For years, Republicans have insisted that their favorite son, James Earl Ray, was a lone gunmen who stalked Martin Luther King, Jr. to a motel in Memphis and murdered him in cold blood. But with the dawn of the Information Age, data previously unavailable to the public can now be easily perused by any schizophrenic shut-in with a computer and an internet connection. Indeed, after scouring the web for clues and weighing all the evidence, I quickly came to the conclusion that Ray was simply a patsy, set up to take the fall by dark forces deep within a shadow government. But who was the evil puppetmaster pulling Ray's strings? Who, dammit, WHO?
Alas, I was stumped. Then after about 9 bong hits, it came to me like a Hari Krishna at LAX. As I will prove, the swirling clouds of mystery surrounding Dr. King's assassination were spawned in the rich oil fields of Texas, where the Bush Family has ruled for generations and a human life is worth less than a gallon of gasoline.
It was the spring of 1968. The Vietnam War was in full swing. Fresh out of Yale, a young, inebriated sapling who would one day become a Shrub was prime draft material. Luckily, his old man was a CIA spook and a Representative of the 7th Congressional District of Texas. He'd pull some strings and get Junior a cush job in the Texas Air National Guard - nothing too dangerous, but impressive enough to look good on a political resume. However, Pappy Bush was a businessman, and there were always strings attached to his "favors" - even for the twisted, evil seed he called his son.
Meanwhile, Martin Luther King, Jr. - who shall henceforth be known as "MLK" because I'm too stoned to keep typing out his whole damned name - was quickly becoming a thorn in Bush's side. Hating blacks comes naturally for Republicans, but Pappy especially despised this uppity preacher from Georgia. Riling up the darkies was bad enough, but information gleaned from wiretaps suggested that MLK was on the verge of handing the reins of his anti-segregation movement to Jesse Jackson so he could devote himself full-time to the struggle for gay rights. For Bush, a cold, bigoted creature who had never had a close, intimate relationship with another man, it was the final straw.
On the morning of March 3, 1968, MLK was was scheduled to give a monumental "I Have a Vagina" speech to a Memphis crowd of transgendered followers. Afterwards, he would a lead a march to a Washington D.C. Starbucks in drag. But as he was carrying Jesse Jackson's luggage to the car, a shot rang out. King fell dramatically into his friends arms, wheezed something about him having a "cute mouth", and succumbed to his wounds. One week later, a young George Dumbya Bush was accepted into the Texas Air National Guard, despite a waiting list a mile long.
A small-time thug named James Earl Ray was immediately arrested in London, almost as if they knew exactly where to find him. He maintained his innocence, claiming that a "stammering idiot in a cowboy hat" did the shooting and set him up as a patsy. Determined to plead innocent and go to trial, Ray threatened to spill the beans about the whole operation.
Enter Percy Foreman, aka, "The Texas Tiger", a shady lawyer from Houston - i.e. the 7th Congressional District of Texas - who convinced Ray to plead guilty and avoid a trail. Ray never took the stand, and was sentenced to 99 years without the possibility of parole. The only man who could finger George W. Bush as King's assassin would spend the rest of his life in solitary confinement. Percy Foreman was later indicted for obstruction of justice in a case involving the heirs of Hunt Oil Company. It always comes back to Texas and Oil, doesn't it?
Now here's where it gets weird: Currently sitting on Halliburton's board of directors is none other than the former CEO of Hunt Oil himself, Ray L. Hunt. Horrifying, indeed. I was so shocked by what I uncovered that I couldn't push a greased BB through my sphincter, even after several tries. But the facts, like my toaster, speak for themselves: George W. Bush, aka Raoul, assassinated Martin Luther King in order to line the pockets of his rich oil buddies at the expense of federally funded gender reassignment surgery for Starbuck's baristas.