Christians Ruining Christmas for Everyone

The folks here at Seattle Hemp Products are all in a titter over the holidays. There will be no tittering in my cubicle this year, though. As chairman of the company's morale committee, I've been charged with the dreaded task of planning an office "holiday party" that is both festive, and inclusive of all people of all faiths.

Except Christians. In past years, we've had problems with Christian extremists going nuts and wishing people a "Merry Christmas" despite being strictly warned not to, so we decided to exclude them entirely from this year's event. I had a cunning and quite hilarious plan to issue bogus invitations with phony dates and locations to any suspected Christian employees, but CEO Tony "Sherm" Sherman nixed it. Too risky, he said. Some clever Jesus freak might get wise to the scheme and crash the party. They might start singing "Christmas Carols" or mention Christ - a clear violation of the Separation of Church and State. So we all agreed it would be best to simply fire the Christians rather than risk them ruining anybody's Christmas.

I put human resources diva Christina Draper in charge of refreshments, provided she change her first name to something less offensive. Teena suggested we go potluck, but that never works because everyone always brings corn chips and twinkies. A few bad apples might even bring religiously-themed food, such as christmas tree cookies or egg nog, and then all hell would break loose. So after weighing the risks and costs, I decided to scrap the food this year. If anyone is hungry, there's a Denny's right across the street.

Entertainment posed another problem. We hired a lounge singer one year, but he freaked out in the middle of Bob Seger's "Hollywood Nights" and spontaneously segued into "O Holy Night". Several non-Christian employees were seriously offended before we were able to tackle the bastard to the ground and toss him out of the building. So no entertainment, either. Thanks, biblethumpers, for sucking even more joy out of the hoilidays!

Gone also is the traditional, yet highly offensive, arrival of Santa Claus and gift exchange portion of the evening. I can't begin to list all the religious connotations regarding jolly ol' "Saint Nick". So instead of Santa arriving on his "sleigh" and passing out presents to all the employees' children, I thought it would be neat to have a homeless person stagger in, lay a guilt trip on everybody, and then pass out. The boss put a kibosh on that one as well, unfortunately. What if the bum turned out to be a Christian? In his drunkeness, he might start proselytzing to the kiddies. They might get weird ideas into their heads. They might start voting Republican and beating up gays. So with heavy heart, we agreed to ban children from the party altogether for their own safety.

Lastly, and most importantly, was what to name the event. "Christmas Party" was out of the question for obvious reasons. "Holiday Party" implied that there was a holiday to celebrate, which pointed a gnarled finger right back at Christmas. So after much deliberation, we all agreed on "Mandatory Staff Meeting". It's simple, politically correct, and has the ACLU's seal of approval.

Seattle Hemp Product's first annual Mandatory Staff Metting will be held tomorrow, Thursday the 16th of December at 11:17 am. In the spirit of the season, all employees will be required to gather in the break room and jab forks into their thighs in pennance for 2000 years of white male hegemony.

Now before you start sending me hate mail, let me assure you that they're all specially made biodegradable forks crafted from fine hemp.

Complimentary, of course. What do you think I am, some sort of Scrooge?

Comments

[Maria in Iowa]

Sounds fun.

Oh wait... Does that offend anyone, the idea of having fun? It's not in the Bible or anything, is it?

[Sobek]

Between the stable rock of atheistic, scientific socialist utopia and the swirling, chaotic vortex of Christian fascism stands Liberal Larry. You are an inspiration to us all.

[Vishnu Troll Daddy Earth Goddess]

I assume you mean only the white male KKKristjian employees will be doing the fork jabbing? That would make sense, and would only require the one fork, your office being so diverse and all.

[Liberal Larry]

Like I said, you have to keep an eye on these Christians. It's a razor thin line between handing out Christmas cookies and burning heretics at the stake.

[Matt]

You are my hero.

This, and everything else you post, is pure genious. I love you.

[StateOfJefferson]

On your Scrooge Comment,

I am surprised that you speak of scrooge in so derogatory a light. I think that scrooge is an interesting character because of the two edged nature of his *christmas* transformation. On the one hand, scrooge got over the fact that he was an evil white male who should suffer forever from the light of the earth goddess (What some KKKristians would call "hell"), and realized that the only path in life was to give away all the money which he had obviously stolen from the poor.

. . . Huge hit on the bong, and a little sacramental wine . . .

But wait, I see it now . . .

Scrooge was corrupted by the KKKristian holiday of KKKristmas. At the beginning of the story he was a good leader who fearlessly taught people the truth about christmas. He also made the christian Bob Crotchet with his intolerant monogomous marriage and bible thumping beliefs understand the meaning of work which all of us must go through, and scrooge naturally threw out the KKKristian charity which was trying to steal the enlightened money for their own evil ends.

And what did the KKKristians do? They sent some "ghosts" and suppressed scrooge's free belief and turned him into a mindless drone just like Bu$Hitler and Haliburton are trying to do.

***********

In memory of Ebeneezer Scrooge . . . A great man suppressed by the right wing, KKKristian, Reichpublican, bible thumping conspiracy.

(whew . . . what was in that bong, man?)

[Red Loser]

"the meaning of work which all of us must go through"

I couldn't disagree more, Vishnu. This concept of "work" clearly comes from the Jesuslanders and their Holey B*ble. It says somewhere in there that anyone who does not work should not eat and that idle people should be punished. (A friend told me this--I would never read that bookful of lies myself!!) Thus, I have given up all forms of capitalist "work" and instead thrive on Twinkies and Ho-hos in my parents' basement.

[Red Loser]

And by Vishnu I of course meant StateOfJefferson. Your otherwise-well-thought-out ramblings reminded me of Vishnu.

[State of Jefferson]

Herr Loser,

Naturally what I was implying was that the enlightened scrooge was making the KKKristians serve those who they oppressed with their hegemonic ideas, not that tru believers in the EarthGoddess should do work; instead, the KKKristians should slave to make up for their so called "sin."

. . . big hit . . .

[spd rdr]

We had out annual Mandatory Staff Meeting last evening. In order to be sure that no overbearing X-tians would sneak in and try to proslet...prostlit..prothlat.. oh, you know, try to convert us, the theme of the Meeting was" Las Vegas! Yep, we drank and gambled and danced on the tables. And after Ms. S. got into the punch things really got secular between she and Mr. P...right there on the craps table! I got pictures! Oh a jolly good time was had by all now that religion is out of the season.

[JannyMae]

Wow! State of Jefferson sure was on a roll! (Kaiser?) I think I'll pass up a few hits of the bong....

[bush supporter]

I am methodist and I believe what I want to believe. Do you really fold under peer pressure?

[aelfheld]

"If there were no God, there would be no Atheists." -- G. K. Chesterton

[Liberal Larry]

You guys thought I was kidding about the Christmas Tree, didn't you?

http://www.komo4.com/stories/34416.htm

[Red Loser]

Say, Larry, you described the forks as "complimentary." Did you mean "complEmentary"? I've found that silverware (or in this case, hempware) does not usually express admiration of my chiseled, handsome appearance unless I have spent a lot of time around the bong.

[JannyMae]

So, a couple of atheists, "resent," the Christmas tree. I'd like to tell them where they can SHOVE their, "resentment," but I'm trying to be polite...don't want to offend anyone!

[Amber]

You DO have a job! So that takes up a few minutes of your time here and there looking busy when the boss walks by your cubicle. But how much of the rest of your time do you spend just slacking off on the Internet?

[Laura]

Love Mr. Stock's quote..
"I try and be aware of injustice and inequality when it effects anybody or everybody," he says. "Certainly this is something that has been a problem for as long as I can remember."

If he considers the erection (and I did say erection...) of a "giving tree" ~injustice and inequality~ he needs to reassess the meanings of those words. Maybe the city should put up another giving tree in, oh let's say...June. Just to "stir the pot".
~L.

[Red Loser]

Sweet Gaia! I just realized that by eating "Ho-Hos," I have inadvertantly been supporting the fascist rallying cry of that fat, red geezer, Satan Claws! No wonder I have lately been feeling the evil capitalistic urge to go out and buy presents for my friends (by that I mean you people--everyone around here is a Zionazi). I will dispense with Hitler's Ho-hos immediately and instead begin scarfing down eclaires (they are French!).

This is truly a blight on my fabled conscience, and I beg for forgiveness. Thank you, Larry, for revealing the horrible dangers of Chr*stMESS!

[State of Jefferson]

Quick, intervention, it looks like JannyMae's bong has gone out,

. . . Passes lighter made from the skulls of "choice" abortions . . .

"I'd like to tell them where they can shove their resentment"

WHATTTTTT!

Isn't it obvious that these so called "atheists" are really a name which the right wing, ReichpubliKKKan, hegemonic, Zionazi, KKKristian conspiracy has labeled to the true believers of the GaiaEarthMotherGoddess* who are, in fact, only trying to stop the rapine of denuding of forests for some white, KKKristian, Zionazi ceremony?!?

[Cheney W. Halliburton]

Any and all celebratory concepts for December and the first week of January are covered by a copyright held by my company, Halliburton World Conquest, Inc.

It's not Christians ruining Christmas, Larry, it's people who use other people's intellectual property without paying.

[State of Jefferson]

* Note, I use Goddess obviously not in the zionist, hegemonic sense, but in the sense of the loving mother who will make us all suffer unless we spread the message of Her love.

[State of Jefferson]

Dear KKKommandant Haliburton,

I find myself reluctantly argeeing with you. What really ruined the celebration of the winter solstice where true believers would have a drunken orgy in selebration of the sun was when the (then) neo-zionazis stole the GaiaEarthMother's holiday, and made their KKKristmas with their Satan Claws.

[Supernatural Rabbit Scribe]

I find the capitalization of "Christmas" (sic) offensive.

[Ry]

Today, the cashier at the grocery store tried to push her religious beliefs on me by wishing me a happy holidays.

Instead of getting mad, I just smiled and said, "You have a merry Mandatory Staff Meeting too."

Try it! It works!