The folks here at Seattle Hemp Products are all in a titter over the holidays. There will be no tittering in my cubicle this year, though. As chairman of the company's morale committee, I've been charged with the dreaded task of planning an office "holiday party" that is both festive, and inclusive of all people of all faiths.
Except Christians. In past years, we've had problems with Christian extremists going nuts and wishing people a "Merry Christmas" despite being strictly warned not to, so we decided to exclude them entirely from this year's event. I had a cunning and quite hilarious plan to issue bogus invitations with phony dates and locations to any suspected Christian employees, but CEO Tony "Sherm" Sherman nixed it. Too risky, he said. Some clever Jesus freak might get wise to the scheme and crash the party. They might start singing "Christmas Carols" or mention Christ - a clear violation of the Separation of Church and State. So we all agreed it would be best to simply fire the Christians rather than risk them ruining anybody's Christmas.
I put human resources diva Christina Draper in charge of refreshments, provided she change her first name to something less offensive. Teena suggested we go potluck, but that never works because everyone always brings corn chips and twinkies. A few bad apples might even bring religiously-themed food, such as christmas tree cookies or egg nog, and then all hell would break loose. So after weighing the risks and costs, I decided to scrap the food this year. If anyone is hungry, there's a Denny's right across the street.
Entertainment posed another problem. We hired a lounge singer one year, but he freaked out in the middle of Bob Seger's "Hollywood Nights" and spontaneously segued into "O Holy Night". Several non-Christian employees were seriously offended before we were able to tackle the bastard to the ground and toss him out of the building. So no entertainment, either. Thanks, biblethumpers, for sucking even more joy out of the hoilidays!
Gone also is the traditional, yet highly offensive, arrival of Santa Claus and gift exchange portion of the evening. I can't begin to list all the religious connotations regarding jolly ol' "Saint Nick". So instead of Santa arriving on his "sleigh" and passing out presents to all the employees' children, I thought it would be neat to have a homeless person stagger in, lay a guilt trip on everybody, and then pass out. The boss put a kibosh on that one as well, unfortunately. What if the bum turned out to be a Christian? In his drunkeness, he might start proselytzing to the kiddies. They might get weird ideas into their heads. They might start voting Republican and beating up gays. So with heavy heart, we agreed to ban children from the party altogether for their own safety.
Lastly, and most importantly, was what to name the event. "Christmas Party" was out of the question for obvious reasons. "Holiday Party" implied that there was a holiday to celebrate, which pointed a gnarled finger right back at Christmas. So after much deliberation, we all agreed on "Mandatory Staff Meeting". It's simple, politically correct, and has the ACLU's seal of approval.
Seattle Hemp Product's first annual Mandatory Staff Metting will be held tomorrow, Thursday the 16th of December at 11:17 am. In the spirit of the season, all employees will be required to gather in the break room and jab forks into their thighs in pennance for 2000 years of white male hegemony.
Now before you start sending me hate mail, let me assure you that they're all specially made biodegradable forks crafted from fine hemp.
Complimentary, of course. What do you think I am, some sort of Scrooge?