Almost Had Me There, Shrub

When I first learned that our bloodthirsty troops had to scrounge around in landfills to find armor for their big macho-man humvees, I was outraged. How dare Bush deny those murdering war criminals the necessary equipment to slaughter innocent Iraqi women and children? Bush claims to "support our troops", yet every uneducated, fascist jock fighting this illegal and pointless war must ride in an unarmored vehicle when they plow into a mosque and mow down unarmed civilians.

Then it hit me like a prison guard at Abu Ghraib: It's all a ruse! Bush wants our anger focused on poorly equipped Humvees to divert our attention from the REAL outrage: the troops are actually driving Humvees!

AHA! It was a brilliant Rove-ian ruse and I almost fell for it. I spent three whole days feigning concern for the safety of our fighting men and womyn before I realized that they've been driving around in those glorified smog-belching SUV's for three whole years! Humvees get what - three miles to the gallon? Even more infuriating is that they're actually built for off-road driving! Who knows how many square miles of fragile, pristine Iraqi wilderness they've torn up under those obnoxiously oversized tires?

It all makes sense, doesn't it? Bush invades Iraq for his big oil buddies, who make a killing selling the oil back to the militaryfor Humvee fuel! That's the only rational explanation as to why Rummy would keep shipping those shoddy, uneconomical behemoths overseas when there are far more fuel-efficient vehicles on the market. Instead of retrofitting Humvees, the troops should be driving Honda Insights!

Then I stumbled across this website and it got me thinking. My creative juices really started to flow, shorting out my keyboard and ruining a nice shirt. Suddenly, I had an epiphany. I named him "Harold" and put him in a jar on my desk.

Bush is funneling tillions of dollars to his defense contractor buddies, and all it took me was an hour in Photoshop and a shitload of ganja to produce the armored military vehicle of the future: The Chomstein Babykiller 2000 (with optional bong attachment). 61 miles to the gallon and enough trunk space to fit three naked Iraqi midgets. It's also available in hunter orange so the innocent civilians can see you coming and get out of the way.

This is still in the preliminary stages, mind you. Don't expect to see the CB2000 tearing through Fallujah anytime soon. I'm going to run it past Harold and see what he thinks before passing it on to the Pentagon.

Hopefully, he'll know how to make the bright flashing lizards on the ceiling go away, too.

Comments

[aelfheld]

"[...] they've been driving around in those glorified smog-belching SUV's for three whole years!"

Actually, they've been driving them for almost twenty years - the HMMVW entered service in 1985.

As for your vehicle design, you might want to consider a career in janitorial supplies.

[slickdpdx]

You are a genius. Not only can you write, displaying razor sharp insight, you show those idiots in the "defense" business how easily national security and global environmental issues can be solved. If only others shared your vision. Liberal Larry for Nobel '05!

[Liberal Larry]

"Actually, they've been driving them for almost twenty years..."

Everybody who has 9 degrees from UC Berkeley raise their hands.

[Ry]

"As for your vehicle design, you might want to consider a career in janitorial supplies."

Well, perhaps aelfhead is the one who ought to be considering Vehicle Design classes at UC Berkley. The Chomstein Babykiller 2000 is GENIUS. It had me so blown away that I had to sit down on the hood of my Toyota Prius.

Which I accidentally squashed on accounta the fact that it was barely bigger than a folding chair.

Anyway, as I shop for a new car, I'm just glad Larry's here. Without his blog, I would have NO IDEA how to hate the military for waging war AND hate Rummypants for insufficiently supplying the military with the supplies necessary for waging war . . . How can I hate both at the same time???

Good job, Larry! Keep blogging, so I can keep having opinions!

[Dougster]

I certianly hope there is room in the defense fund to supply the insurgents with an equal number of CB2000s, we wouldn't want to take sides and give anyone an unfair advantage!

[spd rdr]

Dammit, Larry! I've been slaving away for days, hours, nearly 30 minutes, on designing my "uparmored Segway" (click) and you go and steal my muse Harold and upstage me. How do you do it without spilling the bong?

[Moonchild]

Lar, I think you deserve some blond hash and the Nobel Prize for your genius. Not only have you solved global warming and the unecessary Iraq war but your editorial on Sipowicz caused him to withdraw his nomination for Herr Direktor of Fatherland Sekurity. I don't desevere the Nobel, but I am going to celebrate with some hash.

[Maria in Iowa]

Larry, you are seriously good with Photoshop!

[Kool-Aid Drinker's Domestic Partner]

Larry, you're very irresponsible in your choice of hood ornament. I can just see the jackbooted thugs driving one of your Babykillers into a peace march, instead of those tanks they drove before.

All those poor peace activists seeing that bong on the front of the Babykiller won't be trying to "get out of the way" and you know it!

[Liberal Larry]

You're right. That's why the bong is optional. During combat operations, it can be attached to keep the troops mellow so they won't go off half cocked and murder any unarmed, wounded Iraqi nuns. At peace marches, the bong can be replaced with something that will keep progressive activists like myself safely out of the way - a bottle of shampoo, a job application, etc.. I also considered including loudspeakers that would blare jingoist hymns like "God Bless America", but that might cause people to throw themselves under the tires rather than run to avoid them.

[Confederate Yankee]

Larry, I knew these wer fakes when I saw the French soldier holding a gun instead a white flag. That said, shouldn't there be a non-lethal weapon mounted to the CB2000 instead of that Ma Duece?

Some people find firearms offensive.

[Cricket]

Well, Lar has it right. Instead of drinking Kool Aid, they can bong themselves to death on Michuacan.

Take a hit before you get hit! Absolutely brilliant and so humane.

[Janet Collins]

CRIMES OF THE RIGHT, the new explosive tell-all book by the best-selling author HOPE NEWMAN, hits the market with a bang!

If you liked Fahrenheit 9/11, you’ll love CRIMES OF THE RIGHT. It unravels BUSH crimes for the past 4 years. Please spread the word.

I just finished reading a great book about the real truth behind the CIA, the BUSH/CHENEY, and Tony Blair cover ups. The most devastating terrorist act in history was not the 9-11, it was the rigged voting of million of ballots behind the scene. CRIMES OF THE RIGHT by author HOPE NEWMAN hard cover ISBN is: 0595665748, and is available from: Amazon.com, barnesandnobel.com, and Borders.com.
It is an awesome, suspenseful, and action-packed book. I know you'll love it. Please help spread the word.

[Michael Moore]

Okay, already, we all have gone out and bought the book...now quit cluttering the board up with these tawdry, cheap, advertisements!

[kate]

I've been voting for you non-stop, but this one really does it. You are brillant....

[Stalin Lives In Boston]

how many times does this spammer with the book pitch have to be told what a retard s/he is??

WE LIBERALS DO NOT BUY ANYTHING!!!!

buying encourages the capitalistic greed machine (fueled by broken dreams and selfishness) that has ruined our beautiful socialist uptopia...

unless of course, youre talking about buying a big bag of some afghani hash. stealing merchandise and buying drugs is the only way to support the revolution that will not be televised by anyone other than the big three networks, michael moore, jon stewart, the internet, hollywood, schools, mtv and most other media outlets.

[SnoTBlat]

What is the purpose of your satire?

[Philip]

I am a pretty liberal fellow, but to call all soldier's blood thirsty criminals is a straight up fallacy called a sweeping generalization and is no worse of a prejudice than the right-leaning hawks like Ann Colter calling all liberals morons or what not. Seriously, liberalism must differentiate itself by utilizing reason and fallacies are errores of reason. It is important NOT to stoop to the anti-theoretical, anti-intellectual fascists like Bush and Cheney

[siklilpig]

I love it... keep it up. I dig the biting, sometimes random humor. Just found this site a little while ago, and I'm hooked.

Peace

[siklilpig]

"It is important NOT to stoop to the anti-theoretical, anti-intellectual fascists like Bush and Cheney"

haha.... and I dig the comments, too. I'm impressed with the liberals you attract... good job, man.

[Kool-Aid Drinker's Domestic Partner]

"What is the purpose of your satire?"

Satire? What satire?

[Joe N.]

The bong on the front is a nice touch...

[Friend of USA]

People who RECYCLE instead of BUYING new stuff are your friends Vishnu ...

The soldiers are RECYCLING old pieces of metal and glass instead of wasting precious ressources.

Where is Vishnu ?

Someone must tell her the good news !

The soldiers are RECYCLING , thus SAVING mother earth !

Saving the planet and killing terrorists at the same time , brave soldiers !

[Friend of USA]

Larry you are a great writer and an inventor !

" the Chomstein baby killer 2000 with optional bong attatchment "

Still laughing !

This vehicle is also a much smaller target , not a bad thing in times of war with crazy terrorists !
- - -

But when you americans come and invade Canada for it's fresh water ( some Canadians really believe that , well the 39 who protested Bush's visit anyway...) , you better cover the bong from snow and freezing temperatures !

Maybe an ear flap canadian hat could do the trick ?...

- - -

And to those who want us to buy a book on Bush/american war crimes ; WE don't need a book , the main stream media is doing a pretty good job as it is .

[Vishnu Troll Daddy Earth Goddess]

Don't call me a "her." Gender is an arbitrary assumption based on thousands of years of male-dominated homophobic siphallusation.