Future Nobel Laureate Bill Clinton's dream was that his library would serve as a metaphor for his life, in both design and content. After a four-year struggle against local decency laws and public health codes, his dream has finally come true. A chubby, scabrous structure thrusting out from the crotch of the deep south, the William J. Clinton Presidential Center expands on the former's president's legacy of "building bridges", seemingly floating atop the Arkansas river like a large gray turd. The main walkway is a slick, meandering trail that winds around the property and ultimately leads nowhere, yet those who truly follow the Path can feel His love embracing them like an inbred Arkansas hillbilly hugging his prize hog. Giddy with bliss, I skipped past the shallow, frigid reflection pond inspired by Mrs. Clinton and found the main entrance: a huge, welcoming orifice with pink double-doors spread open wider than the legs of an intern at a job interview.
So, there I was at last! I could hardly breathe. Gulping for air, I started crying - crying with joy that my long, arduous pilgrimage to the Temple was finally at it's climax. I lingered outside for a while, almost teasingly, before inserting myself deep into the building for several titillating hours.
My first stop was an exact replica of the Clinton Oval Office, complete with shag carpets and strobe lights. From there, I wandered through the Amazing Love Tunnel to the "Five Easy Peaces" exhibit, devoted to Bill Clinton's eight-year struggle to find Peace in the Middle East, Peace in Ireland, Peace in the Balkans, Peace in Africa and a Piece of Ass in Washington, DC. Next, I explored the media center, and Politics of Persecution; The 3D Experience. Through the miracle of modern technology, visitors can totally immerse themselves into the Clinton White House and virtually become the Man himself for a mere four tokens per quarter hour (lapdances are extra). But beyond the sheer fun and excitement of being Bill Clinton for 15 minutes, there's a lesson to be learned from the Experience. Indeed, imagine my surprise when an animatronic Ken Starr burst into the booth just as I was about to shake hands with the Pope.
"Stop persecuting me!" I shrieked at him, pulling up my pants. For a brief instant, I knew what a living hell Bill Clinton's life had become thanks to the Republicans. It was a wonder he could get any work done at all, what with the Vast Right Wing Conspiracy to ruin his good time.
The library also features a collection of gifts Clinton received from world leaders during his tenure - mostly items that couldn't be pawned but posess some sentimental value anyway. Framed "thank you" notes from Jiang Zemin, Kim Jong Il, and Yassir Arafat. A gold plated crack pipe from Marion Barry. A severely mangled cigar from Fidel Castro. The highlight, in my opinion, was a large display of ancient African fetishes, a gift from Nelson Mandela which gee-Dumbya ignorantly referred to as "The Wall of Dildos" mere days ago. After spending a while perusing all the exciting paraphenalia, I stepped into the library theatre to catch a film.
The Clinton Theatre presents hourly docudramas on the former president's life, from childhood through retirement. It was a packed house, but after security physically removed Pee Wee Herman from the back row, I obtained a seat and sat down to enjoy the feature - a playful romp through Clinton's service as governor of Arkansas, starring Ron Jeremy and a blonde actress whose name escapes me. Despite the funky electric guitar music and bizarre camera angles, the film was enjoyable and worth the six tokens. Although I spent several minutes trying to get my feet unstuck from the floor, it was a perfect way to cap off a wonderful day.
Although I'm glad to be home, I'll never forget my visit to the William J. Clinton Presidential Center. Breathtaking in its brilliance, sublime in its corpulence, Clinton's library is not the tawdry bordello right-wing critics would have us believe - but a fitting tribute to the man who always believed in a place called "Hope". You'll find it just past the Pleasure Zone Presidential Gift Shop, adjacent to the Wall of Dildos.